Chapter 20 – A Sorceress's Sorrow
Zelda til Rednaxelos
Terra's P.O.V.
We made it to chapter 20! Woo-hoo! Originally I didn't think it would be this long. But you guys love it so much, so . . . here we are. That's one-fifth of a hundred, you know.
By the way, if you have questions, you can email either Vamp or me. Come on, don't be shy! I'm at cmholli@pacbell.net. Look me up in the author's directory if you'd rather IM me. I'll take whatever you want to fire at me, questions, comments, concerns, marriage proposals . . .
Anyway – here we gooooooo!
VAMP QUEEN- don't you just love her? Anyways… here's the conclusion to our little cliffhanger… oh, and Zelly's also on my list of favorite authors, K?
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I woke up an hour later, feeling woozy and terrified.
Bipolar disorder? How could this be? It couldn't be true, it just couldn't!
Why didn't I see this coming? The sudden mood swings, the sorceresses, the suicidal state I'd been in for these past few weeks . . .
"Just like . . ." I began to sob. "Just like . . . my mother . . ."
I collapsed onto the bed in another round of tears. This wasn't real. It just couldn't possibly be real.
"No . . . oh, Hecate, please . . . please don't let this happen. I . . . I swore to myself that I would never be like my mother . . . why, Hecate? Why did you do this to me?"
No. I was in no way mentally ill. There had to have been a mistake. The results had to be wrong!
Terror was overtaking me as I laid there in the quiet of the infirmary room. Surely Aris was coming after me, altering the results in some way, distorting everything. I was determined to be different from my mother. This couldn't be!
I heard a knock on the door. "Terra? You awake?"
Irvine. I sat up and straightened my hair, and replied, "Yeah, come in."
Irvine slowly opened the door, and cautiously stepped in. He smiled when he saw me, and said, "You know, if you went outside right now, the moon would get jealous. You're looking so pale . . . and still beautiful as ever."
I could only sigh and look away. "Thank you."
He sat on the edge of my bed and stroked my face. "Come on, pretty lady, don't look so down. Won't you tell me what's wrong?"
How could I tell him? How would I face anybody now?
"I . . ." I stammered.
He tilted my chin and looked into my eyes, searching for an answer. "Please, dove, tell me. Why are you so afraid?"
I bit my lip to keep from crying another tear as I stared into his gentle eyes. "I . . . I'm bipolar. My mood swings, the cutting, the suicide attempt. Just like . . . just like her."
"What do you mean? Just like who?"
"My mother had the same thing. It's a bipolar disorder. It means –"
"It means she has a problem controlling her moods," a voice chimed in. Doctor Kadawaki came in, followed by Seifer, Squall, Zell, Quistis, and Selphie. I was surprised to see Headmaster Cid, as well, whom I hadn't seen in weeks. Kadawaki smiled. "Sorry to interrupt. They were worried about you."
"We heard everything," Cid said. "You're lucky to have friends who care about you so much, Miss Briar."
"Now," Kadawaki continued, "we need to discuss your disorder a bit more, Terra. I would advise you to let the others stay, too. We all need to understand what this is."
"So, what is a . . . dipolar bisorder, anyway?" Seifer asked, a bit confused.
"That's bipolar disorder, idiot," Zell chided him. "Get it straight."
"Anyway," Kadawaki said, clearing her throat to get everyone's attention. "A bipolar disorder occurs when the natural mood stabilizers in a person's brain are out of balance, causing the person to swing between two extremes for extended periods of time – depression being one phase, mania, the other. These phases can last for days, weeks, or even months at a time, and the intervals between are often uneven. The disorder itself isn't dangerous, but if it goes on without being treated with mood stabilizers, a person may sink into dangerous habits. Drugs and drinking is common, as well as frequent cutting. Eventually, some people may end up committing suicide."
I didn't want to hear any of this. I wanted to believe that Kadawaki was describing someone else, some other patient she had treated in days long past. But it was me she was talking about, me she was unfolding this sorrowful story to.
"So . . ." I said, "this means . . . this means I'm . . . mentally ill?"
"Oh, no, not necessarily mentally ill," she reassured me. "Not at all. You are perfectly sane, and certainly able to function on your own. It's just very dangerous, and medication would help tremendously. It's not a disease necessarily, Terra. Fairly uncommon, yes, but you're still just like anyone else."
"How fairly uncommon?" I asked, afraid that I wouldn't want to know.
"One percent of the population."
"One percent?" I exclaimed. "That's almost nothing!"
"But you aren't the only one here who has it. Other students here at the Garden are bipolar, as well."
"How many?"
"Three."
"Out of . . .?"
"Three hundred."
I hung my head in misery and disgrace. I felt so alone, so isolated at that moment.
"Would you like some time to yourself, Miss Briar?" Cid asked me.
"Yeah. But Irvine was here before you guys came in. Let him stay."
Everyone else got up and began to leave. Squall was the last to get to the door, and before he exited, he turned and looked at me with concern, sadness, and . . . longing. Our eyes met, and for a moment, everything else in the room disappeared . . .
But then he was gone.
I could feel a surge of emotion washing over me, like an ocean wave upon the sandy shores. There was something about him, something I wasn't sure I'd felt before. The sentiment was somewhat familiar, but I still couldn't identify it. What was this feeling?
"Terra?"
I was again brought back to reality as Irvine laid a hand on my shoulder. I hadn't noticed, but I was once again crying silent tears. Irvine took my face into his hands and wiped away the watery trails on my cheeks.
He let me rest my forehead on his chest as I cried into his suede coat, speaking gently, as if he really thought he could ease my pain. "Go ahead, hon. Cry all you need to. I ain't gonna stop you."
"How could this be?" I whispered, almost choking out the words. "How could this be?"
"It wasn't your fault, Terra. It's not like you asked for it – no one does. It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. That's just . . . that's just how it happens."
"But why? This thing could have hit anyone, and it happens to me. Why did Hecate let this happen?"
"It's a random thing. Disorders don't care if you're a sorceress, if you're white, if you're gay, if you're an alcoholic. They don't care nothin' about it. It's like roulette. There wasn't a thing anyone could do to stop it." He took me by the shoulders and looked deeply into my eyes, and continued, "It won't be so bad. I've known bipolar people, and they were just fine. They weren't any different from anyone else. We just need to get you some medication."
"But I don't want medication," I replied. "I hate having to depend on things like that. I don't want to have to feel like I need antidepressants to be happy. My mother was the only person I've ever known to have a disorder like this, and she turned out terribly."
"And you don't want to be like her."
"No."
"Why?"
I sighed. I didn't want to tell him, or anyone, about my past. I always avoided this question. But I couldn't now.
"Because she didn't care about me," I told him. "She didn't care about anyone. And nobody else has ever really cared about me, either."
He put his arms around me, gently petting my damp hair, which still clung to my back. I returned the embrace; he only pulled back slightly a second later, not out of repulsiveness, but affection.
"I care about you," Irvine said tenderly. "No matter what anyone else may think."
He closed in again, this time nuzzling my neck more gently than anything else I'd ever felt. A soft kiss was placed there, followed by another, and another.
Somehow, though, I felt that this wasn't quite right. It was a wonderful sensation, but . . . my mind wasn't there with him. But if not with Irvine, then where?
"I'm sorry," I said to him, as I stood and walked around the hospital bed to the window. "I can't."
He watched me as I went, and asked, "It's Squall, isn't it?"
I stopped. Was it Squall? Was it him I had been longing for all this time? And why didn't I see it before?
I love you just the same, and I always will.
Turning to face Irvine, I sighed and replied, "Yeah. It is."
"You're in love with him."
"Mmm-hmm."
"Why didn't you say so before?"
"Well . . . I guess I didn't know it, at first." I gave him a faint smile. "Besides, half the time you had me too wrapped up in your coat for me to tell."
"But you know what you want now, don't you?" Irvine asked.
"I don't know. I imagine I figured it out somewhat, but I didn't want to tell you because I thought it would hurt you. I didn't want to cause anyone any heartbreak."
"Aw, my heart isn't broken," Irvine said with a grin. "If it'll make you happy, then I'm happy. I ain't the type to get jealous of other guys – unlike certain other men."
"You mean Squall?" I asked him.
"Everybody could see it from day one," he responded with a laugh. "He was turning green as a cactus every time I spoke to you."
"Because you were flirting with me."
"You flirted right back."
"You started it."
He tipped his hat up boastfully. "Yep, I guess I did." Irvine stood and crossed the room to where I stood, and took me by the shoulders. "You need to let him know."
I bit my lip nervously. "I'm not sure . . ."
"Why not? He's obviously got it bad for you. It ain't like he would laugh in your face. Come on, Terra, he'll jump through the roof when he finds out."
"If he finds out."
"He'll know one way or the other, 'cause if you don't tell him, I will." When I shook my head, he continued, "Come on, you've got to. Squall is in love with you, Terra. He's dying for you, you're dying for him . . ."
"Okay, fine," I said. "I'll tell him . . . somehow. But on my time, got it?"
"That's all I ask."
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About two hours later, I decided to take a walk in the gardens. It was getting late, around nine, and most of the students were preparing for bed. I, however, would never be able to sleep, not tonight.
You're bipolar.
Doctor Kadawaki's words still rang in my ears. I despised myself with all my heart at that moment. I was indeed becoming like my mother, a pit I had so desperately tried to avoid. She had been a complete wretch . . . and now I was, too.
I reached the lonely fountain and looked in, staring hard at my reflection. There I was, a terrible disgrace to my family, to the Garden, to Hecate herself. I looked deeply into my own eyes, and I saw not a great sorceress, nor a beautiful maiden, but a miserable outcast, lost and forsaken.
There was a long silence as my mind's eye looked out across the canyon between myself and everyone I loved, carved by my hands. I felt so far away from everyone, so different. I was on the outskirts, while everyone else seemed to be content and confident.
I was alone. So alone.
Suddenly –
"They let you go?"
Squall joined me at the fountain and began to gaze into the waters with me, searching for something . . . was he searching for me?
"It's kind of late, don't you think?" he asked.
"Yeah. What's your excuse?"
"I couldn't sleep."
"Same here."
There was an awkward pause, since both of us were afraid to approach what was on our minds.
Squall finally decided to say something about it, but carefully as possible. "Do you think you'll be alright? After . . . well, you know."
I smiled sadly. "I guess so. I have Irvine and the others to protect me."
"He told me about your mom."
"What did he say?"
"Something about her not caring about anyone but herself. Sound like anyone else you know?"
I couldn't help but laugh at that. "It seems like those people are the most common in my circle."
"You really like Irvine, don't you?"
"Well . . . he's a great friend," I responded. "Makes a nice pillow sometimes. And funny. Very funny."
"Handsome?"
"Yeah, he's cute. But I guess I just don't feel for him the way I do . . . other people."
This piqued his interest. "Really?" he inquired.
"I like having him around. He comforts me. Like I deserve it."
"What makes you say that?" Squall asked.
"Okay, I'm sorry. It's just that I've never felt like anyone really loved me."
"You have plenty of people here who do," he said.
"Don't get me wrong," I replied. "I had friends; good friends. It's just that I have problems with getting close to anyone. Whenever I try, it just blows up in my face."
"Did your mother do that to you?"
"Yeah. I wanted so badly for her to approve of me. But she never did. She had this way of looking at me, like she didn't like what I was doing, but she wasn't going to tell me. Everything I did was put in a negative light just by her being around. She had a way of doing that."
"At least you had a mother," Squall remarked sadly. "I never knew my parents."
"She was verbally abusive when she was upset," I continued. "When she wasn't screaming at me, she would find subtle ways to insult me. She said I was lazy, immature, selfish . . . she was certainly one to talk about such things," I commented contemptuously.
"She sounds like a real monster."
"Precisely. Somehow, everything that went wrong in her life was my fault. When she divorced my dad, she decided it was my fault the marriage didn't work out, though she was only around for his money, anyway. That's how she was with the two marriages she had before that – took them, screwed them for all they were worth, then left and blamed it on somebody else. When her boyfriend left her, it was my fault, never mind the fact that she was the one who stupidly left her emails up on the computer when I went to disconnect her from the Internet. I mean, come on, I was ten years old. Naturally I'm going to be curious about what's up there, right?" I sighed. "Anyway. She considered me her trophy. Only kept me around so that everyone would think she was such a wonderful mother. It was the only reason why she did things for me – so that I would keep my mouth shut. Once everybody was gone, I was just a clod of dirt to her. It was my fault everything was so wrong."
"I'm sorry," Squall said.
"So I tried to leave," I went on. "I'd had it. I was just going to leave her to screw around with all the guys she wanted, to make other people's lives a living hell, to trash up her life. But she wouldn't have it. She somehow was able to keep her trophy . . . until she died." I wasn't about to mention that part. "After that, everything slowly fell apart. I became part of the Witches Three. Not out of my own will – I was chosen. My friendships were close, but I still was very afraid of everyone. I didn't want to get hurt, but I was constantly getting hurt by everyone around me. Boyfriends offered some relief, but they only burned out a year later. And I'm not one of those girls that have had a million boyfriends, mind you; only three since the eighth grade."
"I see."
"Luna was the closest friend I had, until she died, as well. And we all know that Raven didn't give a damn about anyone. I thought she was my friend . . . but I guess I was wrong."
Squall had been very silent until now. He then quietly asked, "You're still cutting yourself, aren't you?"
I sighed. Raven must have found out and told him. No use trying to hide it now.
I rolled up my sleeves to reveal forty-six perfect marks on each arm, the remnants of my twisted daily ritual.
He gently held my arm in his hands, tracing a finger over the cuts, a look of pain and dismay in his eyes. He looked up at me, and asked, "Why?"
"Because I was ashamed," I answered. "Ashamed of myself, what I had become. I hated myself . . . and I still do."
Sitting on the edge of the fountain, I looked down at the floor and shivered, cold from staying out for so long. Squall sat beside me and put an arm around me, to shield me from the bitter drafts.
It was then that the realization came in full force: I was truly, deeply in love with him. To deny it now was ridiculous. I had been yearning for his warm embrace for so long . . . and here it was.
"We all love you, Terra," Squall told me. "Quistis and Selphie have been all over the Garden worrying about you. Zell likes you a lot, and Irvine has been hanging all over you. Even Seifer is concerned. You've become like family to all of us."
"And what about you?" I asked.
"You know how I feel." Pulling back to look into my eyes, he said, "I knew that I loved you from the moment I saw you. I've been so worried, especially since the cutting and the suicide attempt . . . because I wanted you to know that any day I would be willing to die in your place."
"Then why didn't you tell me before?"
"I was scared, Terra. Rinoa . . . well, Adel disguised as Rinoa . . . she frightened me when she came. Rinoa was the one who taught me what it was like to love and lose. I was afraid that you would do the same." He gently brushed my hair out of my face and continued, "But now I can see that you're not like that. I can't keep brushing my feelings aside. I just don't want you to be hurt . . . if you will only let me help you."
I hadn't noticed, but we had unconsciously gotten closer to each other, until our faces were only inches apart. I didn't care, though. It was time that I had stopped hiding, as well. Squall had finally let down his guard, opening up his heart and pouring out everything within. He had given his soul to me, something I had wanted for such a long time. If only I had realized it sooner.
Before I could really grasp what was happening, our lips met, and suddenly, everything around us was gone. Our own world had been created within that kiss, a world where pain did not exist, where our newfound love was all that mattered. And right now, this love was all that mattered to me. Finally he was holding me in his arms, finally we did not have to keep anything back . . . and finally I felt like I was truly loved by someone.
We broke away from each other, and I could only say, "I . . . I love you."
"You honestly do?"
"More than anything. I've finally found something worth living for . . . someone worth living for."
I rested my head on his shoulder, and suddenly, a strange sense of peace came over me. Maybe this disorder wouldn't be so bad, after all. For a moment, the threat of the sorceresses seemed to disappear. Squall was here, with me. That was all that mattered.
"I truly do love you, Squall. And as long as you're here, I will be always yours."
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So sad . . . and yet, so hopeful. Tell me what you think!
VAMP QUEEN- Ok, so I lied. You don't get to find out just yet. That's the next chapter. But how did you like this bit of fluff?