~~Disclaimer- Nothing belongs to me, its borrowed and teased with..
~~Feedback is lovely.
~~FYI- This story was started way before Season Seven, and it starts before everything goes wrong in Season Six.
PART FIVE
It was so right, it was so wrong
Almost at the same time
The pain and ache, a heart can take
No one really knows
But when the memories cling and take you there
Till you no longer care
You can let go now.. Alison Krauss
She stood in the living room and watched the party go on without her. She smiled and spoke when it was called for but inside her mind was trailing behind Spike and the limo he left in.
Xander drowned beer after beer, relieved that he didn't have to go to work tomorrow so he could sit at home all day in his underwear and eat snacks. It was heartwarming to watch Willow and Tara sharing smiles. Dawn glowed in the adoration of humans and demons alike, who couldn't get enough of her telling them that until recently she hadn't even existed. Derrick ever the watcher seemed interested only in observing her actions and the bottle of wine he brought to drink. It was all she could do not to scream out loud but instead she slipped out after cake and presents.
Somehow her thoughts raced between quitting the Doublemeat, the one eyed demon who was flirting with Dawn at the party earlier and what the Nerd Trio was up to.
But if she were being straight to herself she'd admit that her thoughts were wrapped around Spike and Faith being wrapped around each other. Faith looked at him with some sort of needing and longing, it was a way she'd never looked at him. She didn't know how Faith could ignore all that he was and still find something redeeming about him.
It was a cool still night and the streets and cemetery's were empty, she wanted to go into Spike's crypt and feel the comfort of him around her without his presence. All roads seemed to lead her to his door but she couldn't seem to go in as if there were a human barrier on the door. Instead she sat down on the steps of his crypt and willed herself to stay put.
The door the crypt opened behind her and she turned toward it.
"A penny for your thoughts," asked Derrick as he emerged from Spike's crypt.
"Did you slip out of the party, too? What were you doing in there?" She asked flatly.
"Well, you know Spike is a legend in Watcher circles, so I was asked to film his crypt so the Council can study his habitat." He held out a small video camera.
"Why is he such a legend to the Council? I mean I've fought and killed so many vamps that were considered unkillable and nobody ever wanted to study them."
"That's it exactly, you've always killed your enemies but this one you've vowed to kill countless times is still alive. What is so special about this demon that has kept you from killing him after all he's done to you?"
She shrugged. "Well, I guess that Spike has always been big on the running away thing before I can kill him. A couple of times I just had more important things to do than just stake him. It can kinda be time consuming. And he did help me to stop Angelus and he didn't have to do that. He came back and the chip prevented him from doing anything to humans so I guess I just left him alone."
"Well, I think it's more complicated than that, I spoke to Giles in detail about this subject and even he couldn't figure it out completely. But he did think that Spike is in some sort transitional stage, he's caught in the middle between being a demon and human."
"He's nothing like a human, trust me."
"But don't you think his actions while you were dead-gone was a great indication that he has begun to change? To me he seems greatly conflicted and unable to decide between good and evil."
"I don't.think he's capable of that, he's got no soul and that means he has no regret. And if you can't regret then you can't learn from your mistakes."
"Perhaps, but if he is in this transition then obtaining a soul is within his grasp. I have studied certain aspects of vampire behavior; many of them form bonds of love. You've come across a few I believe, Darla and Angelus and of course, Spike and Drucilla, they were vampires but they endured centuries together in love."
"Love? If killing people together is what you consider a love bond, then it's love. It's not real."
"I think love exists for all creatures, otherwise what is the point in existing?"
She nodded and smiled. "I guess, but you can't change someone's nature with love, especially a demons if Spike were a man, well, maybe."
She stood up and walked away from him then.
"And if Spike were a man, would you love him?" He asked in almost a whisper.
The empty night did not answer him.
She closed her eyes and held onto him even tighter as the ground came closer and closer. He took the brunt force of the impact; if he had any real need for his bones they would all be broken. She did not open her eyes instead she relished the feeling of him against her.
"Hmm, you can look up now." He said lightly touching her hair.
"Yeah, okay, let's go, where are we?" She asked looking around.
"Massacre Valley, it's called." He said standing up slowly.
"How did-" She then noticed the sign saying so.
"The name is strikingly appropriate, I think. After a twelve-hour plus plane ride we get to arrive here with basically no weapons or idea how we're going to get out here. Don't suppose there's a hotel on this island?" He asked looking out at the barren windswept island.
"I'm sure there is but we've gotta find the pond first and get our quest on the way. Once the Protector finds out we've landed he's gonna send his buddies out for us. They breathe fire and like to eat all cooked meat, of any kind."
"Well speaking for my big pile of dust meat, I'll take that as a cue to get going, come on."
She slipped her warm hand into his cold one and smiled at him. From her pocket she revealed a small item that looked like a PDA, she opened it and turned it on.
"It's a locator it'll help us find the pond, it will also give our location to whoever is gonna come get us." She tightened her grip on his hand.
"I guess that will come in handy, let's go."
"We're going this way, I think." She pointed in a direction and they went toward it hand in hand.
He stood outside the Magic Box watching Anya speak to a young man, she was smiling at him and showing him a small statue on a shelf. When the young man turned away from her, her face returned to its normal grim look. He knew of course that she felt like he did lost and alone. At least she had her work to keep her sane, but he felt like he had nothing. Her anger toward him was what hurt the most, he couldn't over come it to help her. He wanted to tell her that he had been wrong and that they would try to work it out, but in the end he knew he wasn't ready. Loving someone doesn't always mean you can commit to them fully.
"So, why are you out here looking in?" A voice asked behind him.
"I don't think that going in and fighting with her is on the path of the smart guy. And I'm still a little angry at her for sleeping with the undead. What are you doing here?" Xander asked.
"Not to look at Anya or fight with her, I was just on my way to coffee, want some?"
"No, I don't think I should be jumpy guy either, Buffy, but I'll walk with you."
She smiled at him, the thaw was in with them but it was still gonna take time.
"So are you gonna tell me what your doing going for coffee at 8am on a Saturday?" He asked.
She shrugged. "I didn't get much sleep, so I thought coffee and walking sounded good."
"Still can't get the idea of Spike and Faith out of your head? Funny, well, not really, but I still can't get the idea of Spike and Anya out of mine. Buff, I just hope that they don't come back."
"Sure, then they can just take over the world somewhere else. I don't trust them."
"I think that trust is something lost on either one of them. If you think about it they're perfect for each other, neither of them has a soul and their both fixated on you." He laughed.
"I think she's actually fixated on him, not me. I was talking to Derrick and without the laugh track, he thinks that Spike is this demon who really wants to be redeemed, like as in a soul."
"Oh, now come on, all he wants is to get that chip out so he can kill you and make a meal out of everybody in this town. Spike with a soul now that's funny."
"Yes, I know, laugh it up."
When morning arrived the sun was well hidden behind a blanket of thick dark clouds and they traveled in silence each lost in thought, hers on finding the opening and his on the rumbling of his stomach. Her hand had never left his and he knew that she felt connected to him in a way he didn't want to face. Searching hour after hour feeling like maybe this quest was fruitless, he wondered how different it would be with Buffy holding his hand.
The island had been scarred by war, it looked reminiscent of a cemetery without bodies.
Finally they reached a tiny pond and stood at the edge of it.
"This is it, come on." She urged him.
"This is a puddle."
"I know, we're jumping in it, and come on."
"I don't need my feet to get wet---" Her not so gentle hand was on his back and pushed him with all its strength into the muddy pond.
If there had been any breath in his lungs it would have been caught as they fell through the pond not into muck but instead straight down a into a large cave. They landed awkwardly his face resting between her breasts, her lips curled into a cool smile as he eased the rest of his body off of hers.
"Kind of cool, huh?" She asked him.
He frowned. "The cave? Well, yeah, but I don't suppose they've ever heard of doors around here."
"It's a mystical opening, it'd draw less attention then the regular entrances."
"My back could take a door right now. So, where are we headed?" He stood up slowly favoring his aching back.
"The locator advises we head north."
"I hope that thing knows where we're going."
"We'll find out soon." She held out her hand and he pulled her up slowly, she jumped forward on purpose brushing her body against his trying to register any interest in his eyes. He took a step back and looked away.
Determined to keep a regular schedule, which meant probing the streets looking for action, she moved thru the back alleys mostly looking at her feet. Perhaps it was the warm air or the smell of something decaying that made the whole patrolling thing seem particularly pointless that night. Closing her eyes it was easy to imagine another set of feet following close behind her, he would wait and watch hoping to help or lure her into a dark alley for quick bit of passion. For the first time in months she felt truly alone, like the burden of slaying was hers alone and that there was no one in her corner. Behind her the sound of stumbling feet got her to turn just as a form turned into an alley. Her heart raced as she reached the alley and grabbed the form.
"Buffy!" He screamed.
"Derrick, what? Listen, you have your own personal slayer, why don't you go shadow her badly? And just for your information I do have my own resident stalker so I don't need another. " She let him go with a small jerk.
"I didn't mean to, well, I did mean to follow you, of course. But I was beginning to wonder if you were under some spell, I've been back there for at least a kilometer."
"Is that British for a mile or something? Look, I was just a little-wait, your not my Watcher so if I decide to just not put a lot of effort forth then so what? I don't need or want you around to check up on me."
"I stopped by your home and I was told you were out patrolling. I just thought I'd pass along some news. That's a lie actually; I've been trying to find a way of telling you this since I found out this morning."
She frowned. "Don't tell me, Spike and Faith have the orb already and they decided that taking over the world was more fun then just handing over the orb. And I guess that also means that you need me to save the world from them both or else something bad will happen."
He shook his head slowly, "No, I came to tell you that.the plane Faith and Spike were on went down and there are no survivors."
"What?---I don't, what?" A sudden rush of pain hit her squarely in the chest like a deep punch or a stabbing wound.
If he said anything for the next few moments she was beyond hearing or understanding it. There were no tears, only the dull ache of the whole world turning up side down and not really getting it.
She raised her hand instinctively to almost block a shot but the hit had already been delivered.
He reached out to her hoping to steady her or to at least get her to start breathing again. She slapped away his hand as a small cry came out and she doubled over. She sat in the alley, her eyes staring out in a daze and her hands in small fists.
"I'm so sorry, I know this is a shock, I can't imagine how you feel about it. Your both so strong, battling every force that's in your way for so long and now it's all over. This journey you've both been on, sometimes together or apart but still the connection must be strong. And whether you're willing to admit it or not I think you care about each other more than you'll admit."
She looked up at him, "Your wrong, I don't care about..Faith."
He nodded and sat next to her. "I know, I wasn't talking about her."
She didn't speak or even look at him.
"I'm not blind, I can see pretty well what's been going on. I haven't spoken to him in any depth but Faith talked about him non-stop so I feel like I did know him thru her. She didn't say it but she'd been developing real feelings for him and she knew, I'm sure that you were the only flame in his heart."
She shook her head. "I don't know what you're talking about. Spike's just fixated on me that's it."
"You've been sleeping with a vampire and though may be embarrassing to you as a woman it is understandable. From what Giles told me Spike's behavior while you were dead was noble for a vampire. I think that alone was very unique and so promising."
She stood up her anger swelling, "Promising? He's a vampire. It's not like we were boyfriend and girlfriend, we just had sex on a regular basis. It wasn't even love or like, and no matter how good it was, it's over. I've got a little experience with the souled and the unsouled-he isn't special or unique."
He stood, "I sometimes wonder who the demon here really is, the one who loves or the one who rejects it."
Her irritation flared and she turned her back on him, "I don't care what you think. You don't know Spike or what he's capable of, in some ways he's more dangerous now then before the chip. At least before the chip I could-"
"Dismiss him? I think you're very good at dismissing people. Just look at your friends and your sister-"
She stomped off a few steps and then turned around, "You don't, and I care about my friends, alright? So I'm not the same happy go lucky Buffy, so what? But I'm there aren't I?"
"Have you really been there for anyone since your death and return? Giles said-"
"I don't care what Giles said."
"He left because he couldn't fix this misery you've all been suffering."
She closed her eyes and two fat tears escaped from them. "I just try to get through each day that's the best I can do."
"I hope realize what you've got before it's all gone."
"What do I have? Debt, pain, a klepto sister, a magic addicted best friend, a commitment phobic other best friend and big bunch of responsibilities I never wanted and a vampire who thinks I'm so great that he loves me-to death."
"I see, well, nothing special there, huh? Oh, but I guess you can cross the vampire off your list, he's dead and can now be referred to in the past tense."
"You don't understand any of it. The things I've had to go thru-"
"Buffy, I'd like to think that Faith and Spike's deaths aren't just about you. Believe it or not, I am mourning Faith and no matter her crimes I'm going to give her the dignity and respect she deserves. I told you about all this because you had a right to know and I'm sure Dawn will be shattered."
"You've delivered your message, Derrick, go away."
"And I guess if I was being completely honest I wanted to tell you to see if it would elicit some type of response from you. You're as cold as the grave, Buffy and I'm sorry for you."
She couldn't see him anymore, the tears filling her eyes and she let him walk away from her.
It was only when she was sure he was gone that she let herself sob and scream. The stink of the alley, her damp backside and sharp pain in her stomach none of it mattered. She let go crashing her fists into walls, trash cans and windows.
She wanted to run to get as far away as possible but like life there were so many who needed her and she could feel they're weight holding her down. She wanted to head for Spike's crypt, every fiber in her being told her to go and she'd find Spike there and he would be ready to welcome her taunting and tormenting her with his body and smile. And she'd fall into his arms ready to admit nothing and just take and take. All she wanted was to grab him, crash her lips to his and prove that it was just impersonal sex. And she'd run away when it got too real, when he got too close when he looked at her with love and heartache.
Rejecting him, hurting him, it was all she was good at and the only way they communicated.
But as the reality of what happened took hold and she knew she was alone now. And some of the words Derrick said rang true.
She owed Spike something, to honor who he was and what he meant. He'd saved lives, fought battles bravely and in the end given his life in a tragic accident on his way to do good. When the tears dried the anger took over and for the first time in a long time she directed it where it really belonged-at herself.
Another slayer gone, another vampire in a pile of dust and she had endured.
~~Feedback is lovely.
~~FYI- This story was started way before Season Seven, and it starts before everything goes wrong in Season Six.
PART FIVE
It was so right, it was so wrong
Almost at the same time
The pain and ache, a heart can take
No one really knows
But when the memories cling and take you there
Till you no longer care
You can let go now.. Alison Krauss
She stood in the living room and watched the party go on without her. She smiled and spoke when it was called for but inside her mind was trailing behind Spike and the limo he left in.
Xander drowned beer after beer, relieved that he didn't have to go to work tomorrow so he could sit at home all day in his underwear and eat snacks. It was heartwarming to watch Willow and Tara sharing smiles. Dawn glowed in the adoration of humans and demons alike, who couldn't get enough of her telling them that until recently she hadn't even existed. Derrick ever the watcher seemed interested only in observing her actions and the bottle of wine he brought to drink. It was all she could do not to scream out loud but instead she slipped out after cake and presents.
Somehow her thoughts raced between quitting the Doublemeat, the one eyed demon who was flirting with Dawn at the party earlier and what the Nerd Trio was up to.
But if she were being straight to herself she'd admit that her thoughts were wrapped around Spike and Faith being wrapped around each other. Faith looked at him with some sort of needing and longing, it was a way she'd never looked at him. She didn't know how Faith could ignore all that he was and still find something redeeming about him.
It was a cool still night and the streets and cemetery's were empty, she wanted to go into Spike's crypt and feel the comfort of him around her without his presence. All roads seemed to lead her to his door but she couldn't seem to go in as if there were a human barrier on the door. Instead she sat down on the steps of his crypt and willed herself to stay put.
The door the crypt opened behind her and she turned toward it.
"A penny for your thoughts," asked Derrick as he emerged from Spike's crypt.
"Did you slip out of the party, too? What were you doing in there?" She asked flatly.
"Well, you know Spike is a legend in Watcher circles, so I was asked to film his crypt so the Council can study his habitat." He held out a small video camera.
"Why is he such a legend to the Council? I mean I've fought and killed so many vamps that were considered unkillable and nobody ever wanted to study them."
"That's it exactly, you've always killed your enemies but this one you've vowed to kill countless times is still alive. What is so special about this demon that has kept you from killing him after all he's done to you?"
She shrugged. "Well, I guess that Spike has always been big on the running away thing before I can kill him. A couple of times I just had more important things to do than just stake him. It can kinda be time consuming. And he did help me to stop Angelus and he didn't have to do that. He came back and the chip prevented him from doing anything to humans so I guess I just left him alone."
"Well, I think it's more complicated than that, I spoke to Giles in detail about this subject and even he couldn't figure it out completely. But he did think that Spike is in some sort transitional stage, he's caught in the middle between being a demon and human."
"He's nothing like a human, trust me."
"But don't you think his actions while you were dead-gone was a great indication that he has begun to change? To me he seems greatly conflicted and unable to decide between good and evil."
"I don't.think he's capable of that, he's got no soul and that means he has no regret. And if you can't regret then you can't learn from your mistakes."
"Perhaps, but if he is in this transition then obtaining a soul is within his grasp. I have studied certain aspects of vampire behavior; many of them form bonds of love. You've come across a few I believe, Darla and Angelus and of course, Spike and Drucilla, they were vampires but they endured centuries together in love."
"Love? If killing people together is what you consider a love bond, then it's love. It's not real."
"I think love exists for all creatures, otherwise what is the point in existing?"
She nodded and smiled. "I guess, but you can't change someone's nature with love, especially a demons if Spike were a man, well, maybe."
She stood up and walked away from him then.
"And if Spike were a man, would you love him?" He asked in almost a whisper.
The empty night did not answer him.
She closed her eyes and held onto him even tighter as the ground came closer and closer. He took the brunt force of the impact; if he had any real need for his bones they would all be broken. She did not open her eyes instead she relished the feeling of him against her.
"Hmm, you can look up now." He said lightly touching her hair.
"Yeah, okay, let's go, where are we?" She asked looking around.
"Massacre Valley, it's called." He said standing up slowly.
"How did-" She then noticed the sign saying so.
"The name is strikingly appropriate, I think. After a twelve-hour plus plane ride we get to arrive here with basically no weapons or idea how we're going to get out here. Don't suppose there's a hotel on this island?" He asked looking out at the barren windswept island.
"I'm sure there is but we've gotta find the pond first and get our quest on the way. Once the Protector finds out we've landed he's gonna send his buddies out for us. They breathe fire and like to eat all cooked meat, of any kind."
"Well speaking for my big pile of dust meat, I'll take that as a cue to get going, come on."
She slipped her warm hand into his cold one and smiled at him. From her pocket she revealed a small item that looked like a PDA, she opened it and turned it on.
"It's a locator it'll help us find the pond, it will also give our location to whoever is gonna come get us." She tightened her grip on his hand.
"I guess that will come in handy, let's go."
"We're going this way, I think." She pointed in a direction and they went toward it hand in hand.
He stood outside the Magic Box watching Anya speak to a young man, she was smiling at him and showing him a small statue on a shelf. When the young man turned away from her, her face returned to its normal grim look. He knew of course that she felt like he did lost and alone. At least she had her work to keep her sane, but he felt like he had nothing. Her anger toward him was what hurt the most, he couldn't over come it to help her. He wanted to tell her that he had been wrong and that they would try to work it out, but in the end he knew he wasn't ready. Loving someone doesn't always mean you can commit to them fully.
"So, why are you out here looking in?" A voice asked behind him.
"I don't think that going in and fighting with her is on the path of the smart guy. And I'm still a little angry at her for sleeping with the undead. What are you doing here?" Xander asked.
"Not to look at Anya or fight with her, I was just on my way to coffee, want some?"
"No, I don't think I should be jumpy guy either, Buffy, but I'll walk with you."
She smiled at him, the thaw was in with them but it was still gonna take time.
"So are you gonna tell me what your doing going for coffee at 8am on a Saturday?" He asked.
She shrugged. "I didn't get much sleep, so I thought coffee and walking sounded good."
"Still can't get the idea of Spike and Faith out of your head? Funny, well, not really, but I still can't get the idea of Spike and Anya out of mine. Buff, I just hope that they don't come back."
"Sure, then they can just take over the world somewhere else. I don't trust them."
"I think that trust is something lost on either one of them. If you think about it they're perfect for each other, neither of them has a soul and their both fixated on you." He laughed.
"I think she's actually fixated on him, not me. I was talking to Derrick and without the laugh track, he thinks that Spike is this demon who really wants to be redeemed, like as in a soul."
"Oh, now come on, all he wants is to get that chip out so he can kill you and make a meal out of everybody in this town. Spike with a soul now that's funny."
"Yes, I know, laugh it up."
When morning arrived the sun was well hidden behind a blanket of thick dark clouds and they traveled in silence each lost in thought, hers on finding the opening and his on the rumbling of his stomach. Her hand had never left his and he knew that she felt connected to him in a way he didn't want to face. Searching hour after hour feeling like maybe this quest was fruitless, he wondered how different it would be with Buffy holding his hand.
The island had been scarred by war, it looked reminiscent of a cemetery without bodies.
Finally they reached a tiny pond and stood at the edge of it.
"This is it, come on." She urged him.
"This is a puddle."
"I know, we're jumping in it, and come on."
"I don't need my feet to get wet---" Her not so gentle hand was on his back and pushed him with all its strength into the muddy pond.
If there had been any breath in his lungs it would have been caught as they fell through the pond not into muck but instead straight down a into a large cave. They landed awkwardly his face resting between her breasts, her lips curled into a cool smile as he eased the rest of his body off of hers.
"Kind of cool, huh?" She asked him.
He frowned. "The cave? Well, yeah, but I don't suppose they've ever heard of doors around here."
"It's a mystical opening, it'd draw less attention then the regular entrances."
"My back could take a door right now. So, where are we headed?" He stood up slowly favoring his aching back.
"The locator advises we head north."
"I hope that thing knows where we're going."
"We'll find out soon." She held out her hand and he pulled her up slowly, she jumped forward on purpose brushing her body against his trying to register any interest in his eyes. He took a step back and looked away.
Determined to keep a regular schedule, which meant probing the streets looking for action, she moved thru the back alleys mostly looking at her feet. Perhaps it was the warm air or the smell of something decaying that made the whole patrolling thing seem particularly pointless that night. Closing her eyes it was easy to imagine another set of feet following close behind her, he would wait and watch hoping to help or lure her into a dark alley for quick bit of passion. For the first time in months she felt truly alone, like the burden of slaying was hers alone and that there was no one in her corner. Behind her the sound of stumbling feet got her to turn just as a form turned into an alley. Her heart raced as she reached the alley and grabbed the form.
"Buffy!" He screamed.
"Derrick, what? Listen, you have your own personal slayer, why don't you go shadow her badly? And just for your information I do have my own resident stalker so I don't need another. " She let him go with a small jerk.
"I didn't mean to, well, I did mean to follow you, of course. But I was beginning to wonder if you were under some spell, I've been back there for at least a kilometer."
"Is that British for a mile or something? Look, I was just a little-wait, your not my Watcher so if I decide to just not put a lot of effort forth then so what? I don't need or want you around to check up on me."
"I stopped by your home and I was told you were out patrolling. I just thought I'd pass along some news. That's a lie actually; I've been trying to find a way of telling you this since I found out this morning."
She frowned. "Don't tell me, Spike and Faith have the orb already and they decided that taking over the world was more fun then just handing over the orb. And I guess that also means that you need me to save the world from them both or else something bad will happen."
He shook his head slowly, "No, I came to tell you that.the plane Faith and Spike were on went down and there are no survivors."
"What?---I don't, what?" A sudden rush of pain hit her squarely in the chest like a deep punch or a stabbing wound.
If he said anything for the next few moments she was beyond hearing or understanding it. There were no tears, only the dull ache of the whole world turning up side down and not really getting it.
She raised her hand instinctively to almost block a shot but the hit had already been delivered.
He reached out to her hoping to steady her or to at least get her to start breathing again. She slapped away his hand as a small cry came out and she doubled over. She sat in the alley, her eyes staring out in a daze and her hands in small fists.
"I'm so sorry, I know this is a shock, I can't imagine how you feel about it. Your both so strong, battling every force that's in your way for so long and now it's all over. This journey you've both been on, sometimes together or apart but still the connection must be strong. And whether you're willing to admit it or not I think you care about each other more than you'll admit."
She looked up at him, "Your wrong, I don't care about..Faith."
He nodded and sat next to her. "I know, I wasn't talking about her."
She didn't speak or even look at him.
"I'm not blind, I can see pretty well what's been going on. I haven't spoken to him in any depth but Faith talked about him non-stop so I feel like I did know him thru her. She didn't say it but she'd been developing real feelings for him and she knew, I'm sure that you were the only flame in his heart."
She shook her head. "I don't know what you're talking about. Spike's just fixated on me that's it."
"You've been sleeping with a vampire and though may be embarrassing to you as a woman it is understandable. From what Giles told me Spike's behavior while you were dead was noble for a vampire. I think that alone was very unique and so promising."
She stood up her anger swelling, "Promising? He's a vampire. It's not like we were boyfriend and girlfriend, we just had sex on a regular basis. It wasn't even love or like, and no matter how good it was, it's over. I've got a little experience with the souled and the unsouled-he isn't special or unique."
He stood, "I sometimes wonder who the demon here really is, the one who loves or the one who rejects it."
Her irritation flared and she turned her back on him, "I don't care what you think. You don't know Spike or what he's capable of, in some ways he's more dangerous now then before the chip. At least before the chip I could-"
"Dismiss him? I think you're very good at dismissing people. Just look at your friends and your sister-"
She stomped off a few steps and then turned around, "You don't, and I care about my friends, alright? So I'm not the same happy go lucky Buffy, so what? But I'm there aren't I?"
"Have you really been there for anyone since your death and return? Giles said-"
"I don't care what Giles said."
"He left because he couldn't fix this misery you've all been suffering."
She closed her eyes and two fat tears escaped from them. "I just try to get through each day that's the best I can do."
"I hope realize what you've got before it's all gone."
"What do I have? Debt, pain, a klepto sister, a magic addicted best friend, a commitment phobic other best friend and big bunch of responsibilities I never wanted and a vampire who thinks I'm so great that he loves me-to death."
"I see, well, nothing special there, huh? Oh, but I guess you can cross the vampire off your list, he's dead and can now be referred to in the past tense."
"You don't understand any of it. The things I've had to go thru-"
"Buffy, I'd like to think that Faith and Spike's deaths aren't just about you. Believe it or not, I am mourning Faith and no matter her crimes I'm going to give her the dignity and respect she deserves. I told you about all this because you had a right to know and I'm sure Dawn will be shattered."
"You've delivered your message, Derrick, go away."
"And I guess if I was being completely honest I wanted to tell you to see if it would elicit some type of response from you. You're as cold as the grave, Buffy and I'm sorry for you."
She couldn't see him anymore, the tears filling her eyes and she let him walk away from her.
It was only when she was sure he was gone that she let herself sob and scream. The stink of the alley, her damp backside and sharp pain in her stomach none of it mattered. She let go crashing her fists into walls, trash cans and windows.
She wanted to run to get as far away as possible but like life there were so many who needed her and she could feel they're weight holding her down. She wanted to head for Spike's crypt, every fiber in her being told her to go and she'd find Spike there and he would be ready to welcome her taunting and tormenting her with his body and smile. And she'd fall into his arms ready to admit nothing and just take and take. All she wanted was to grab him, crash her lips to his and prove that it was just impersonal sex. And she'd run away when it got too real, when he got too close when he looked at her with love and heartache.
Rejecting him, hurting him, it was all she was good at and the only way they communicated.
But as the reality of what happened took hold and she knew she was alone now. And some of the words Derrick said rang true.
She owed Spike something, to honor who he was and what he meant. He'd saved lives, fought battles bravely and in the end given his life in a tragic accident on his way to do good. When the tears dried the anger took over and for the first time in a long time she directed it where it really belonged-at herself.
Another slayer gone, another vampire in a pile of dust and she had endured.