THREE: 3:4-5
* * *
Roxanne.
There at the door, asking for Kevin.
Who is she? Who is this pretty blonde who asked for my Kevin? I have to know. Don't you see? I have to know!
The rages started then.
I didn't know why, not at first. The obvious reason was unthinkable. I hated her; I had to hate her. It was obvious she had eyes for Kevin, was obvious she was a slut, a sex kitten. They seduce men, draw them away from the women who actually love them, use their bodies to bring them down.
Like Eve brought down Adam.
Whore.
Kevin found the whole thing funny. Men like that, being fought over. They like the power. I know now how much Kevin loves power. She's my partner, he said. I work with her. I want you two to get along.
I fought. I hated her more and more each day. I had to, don't you see? I had to hate her. If she took Kevin from me the dark feelings inside, the sinful, dirty feelings I had, would all come up. They would overwhelm me, destroy me.
How many times did I lie in the warm tub, or in my warm bed, and touch myself? I wanted to scream and die. Go away, Roxanne! Go away go away!
Please, God, help me. I don't want to go to hell.
I begged him to propose. I threatened him if he did not. I thought once or twice about proposing to him instead, but that wasn't right. I'd always been taught that it's not the woman's place to do that and I knew him well enough to know he would leave me if I did.
He would take Roxanne and marry her instead.
But he waited, hinting, promising me something special while still working with her. I know she came on to him, and I know he refused. But how long would he be able to resist her? Men are weak that way, and she was beautiful.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
I hated her. She began to date Chandler, the new Associate Minister. That didn't matter. I had to keep hating her, no matter what.
Because I was afraid.
Yes. Afraid. Because when I first saw her, standing there at the door asking for Kevin, it all began. Not a tingle but more, a burning. She would go to Kevin, would make love to Kevin. She would not only take him from me but she would tease me, would taunt me.
She knew.
#
I don't know how, but she knew. Every time she looked at me it was clear. She knew my thoughts, my feelings. In a single glance she was able to tell more than Ruthie had been able to spy out in almost a decade. And more than knowing, my despair was fueled by the fact that she was so beautiful, that without wanting to I wanted her, wanted to touch her, to kiss her, to feel her naked body against my own.
She threatened not only my chances with Kevin, she threatened to take me to hell herself.
I prayed, but God did not answer me.
I was alone with my hate, and no one but her really understood.
#
In time, Kevin asked me to marry him. It was a beautiful evening. The day had started out with a nightmare, with Roxanne taking Kevin away, with me being handed a bill at the restaurant that demanded my soul as payment, but it got better. Kevin had bought for me a beautiful black dress, and I wore this to the Hotel Ritz, where he got down on his knee and proposed. It was Valentine's Day and I felt so beautiful, and I kissed him and danced and there was this lovely, romantic jazz playing there. He had paid for it all; until then I had not known that his father had made millions as a corporate raider in the 1980's.
I was saved. Thank you, God, I was saved. I would be a good wife, would make love to my husband, would bear his children and be his compliment. I did not need to hate Roxanne anymore, for the threat of her was gone.
And then, she appeared.
She had been with Chandler in the hotel restaurant, and they had talked of their future together. She loved him, and soon they would become engaged, she said. But it was my evening now, and she had not wanted to spoil it for me, and so they had decided to wait. I was overcome with gratitude and relief.
And then we danced.
#
She was so beautiful, in a lovely red dress, her hair light and soft and bouncing a bit with the motion as we each tried to let the other lead. Her hands were warm in mine, her body soft as I felt her slender waist beneath my hand, her movements graceful as she pirouetted slowly. It was only for a moment that we were together, but it was so peaceful, so calm, that I wanted to draw her close, to hold her, to kiss her, to touch her. And I felt then, deep deep deep inside, that hot tingle, that warm, trembling excitement, that all the boys and men I had ever kissed had never been able to bring forth. Words, then, came silently to my mind, old words long remembered.
"But the serpent said to the woman, 'You shall not die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.'"
As Kevin and Chandler broke in, Roxanne's eyes caught mine.
And as she knew me, so too I knew her.
* * *
Roxanne.
There at the door, asking for Kevin.
Who is she? Who is this pretty blonde who asked for my Kevin? I have to know. Don't you see? I have to know!
The rages started then.
I didn't know why, not at first. The obvious reason was unthinkable. I hated her; I had to hate her. It was obvious she had eyes for Kevin, was obvious she was a slut, a sex kitten. They seduce men, draw them away from the women who actually love them, use their bodies to bring them down.
Like Eve brought down Adam.
Whore.
Kevin found the whole thing funny. Men like that, being fought over. They like the power. I know now how much Kevin loves power. She's my partner, he said. I work with her. I want you two to get along.
I fought. I hated her more and more each day. I had to, don't you see? I had to hate her. If she took Kevin from me the dark feelings inside, the sinful, dirty feelings I had, would all come up. They would overwhelm me, destroy me.
How many times did I lie in the warm tub, or in my warm bed, and touch myself? I wanted to scream and die. Go away, Roxanne! Go away go away!
Please, God, help me. I don't want to go to hell.
I begged him to propose. I threatened him if he did not. I thought once or twice about proposing to him instead, but that wasn't right. I'd always been taught that it's not the woman's place to do that and I knew him well enough to know he would leave me if I did.
He would take Roxanne and marry her instead.
But he waited, hinting, promising me something special while still working with her. I know she came on to him, and I know he refused. But how long would he be able to resist her? Men are weak that way, and she was beautiful.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
I hated her. She began to date Chandler, the new Associate Minister. That didn't matter. I had to keep hating her, no matter what.
Because I was afraid.
Yes. Afraid. Because when I first saw her, standing there at the door asking for Kevin, it all began. Not a tingle but more, a burning. She would go to Kevin, would make love to Kevin. She would not only take him from me but she would tease me, would taunt me.
She knew.
#
I don't know how, but she knew. Every time she looked at me it was clear. She knew my thoughts, my feelings. In a single glance she was able to tell more than Ruthie had been able to spy out in almost a decade. And more than knowing, my despair was fueled by the fact that she was so beautiful, that without wanting to I wanted her, wanted to touch her, to kiss her, to feel her naked body against my own.
She threatened not only my chances with Kevin, she threatened to take me to hell herself.
I prayed, but God did not answer me.
I was alone with my hate, and no one but her really understood.
#
In time, Kevin asked me to marry him. It was a beautiful evening. The day had started out with a nightmare, with Roxanne taking Kevin away, with me being handed a bill at the restaurant that demanded my soul as payment, but it got better. Kevin had bought for me a beautiful black dress, and I wore this to the Hotel Ritz, where he got down on his knee and proposed. It was Valentine's Day and I felt so beautiful, and I kissed him and danced and there was this lovely, romantic jazz playing there. He had paid for it all; until then I had not known that his father had made millions as a corporate raider in the 1980's.
I was saved. Thank you, God, I was saved. I would be a good wife, would make love to my husband, would bear his children and be his compliment. I did not need to hate Roxanne anymore, for the threat of her was gone.
And then, she appeared.
She had been with Chandler in the hotel restaurant, and they had talked of their future together. She loved him, and soon they would become engaged, she said. But it was my evening now, and she had not wanted to spoil it for me, and so they had decided to wait. I was overcome with gratitude and relief.
And then we danced.
#
She was so beautiful, in a lovely red dress, her hair light and soft and bouncing a bit with the motion as we each tried to let the other lead. Her hands were warm in mine, her body soft as I felt her slender waist beneath my hand, her movements graceful as she pirouetted slowly. It was only for a moment that we were together, but it was so peaceful, so calm, that I wanted to draw her close, to hold her, to kiss her, to touch her. And I felt then, deep deep deep inside, that hot tingle, that warm, trembling excitement, that all the boys and men I had ever kissed had never been able to bring forth. Words, then, came silently to my mind, old words long remembered.
"But the serpent said to the woman, 'You shall not die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.'"
As Kevin and Chandler broke in, Roxanne's eyes caught mine.
And as she knew me, so too I knew her.