FOUR: 3:6
* * *
Male and female he created them.
Female he created us.
Kevin and I were married after the usual hijinks, and for two weeks we toured Europe on our honeymoon, spending time at his home on the Riviera, where we sipped champagne and lay in each other's arms until noon. He was patient with me, and gentle and forgiving of my clumsiness and uncertainty, and I was attentive to him just as he was with me. But there was no pleasure in his embrace; only when I closed my eyes and thought of Roxanne did such pleasure come. Only when I imagined it was her there beside me, her soft, gentle curves, her attentive hands against my flesh, could I enjoy the intimate embrace of my new husband.
But I was good now, wasn't I? I had fulfilled all that God had demanded of me. I had waited till marriage and had given myself only to my husband.
I should be happy. I should feel God there, so close, the way I had when I was young, when my life was bright and filled with joy. Surely, beneath the high arches of Notre Dame, the dome of St. Peter's, of St. Paul's, God should walk beside me. Surely, as I prayed to him now, he would answer, would grant me the mercy of stilling my raging heart, the simple kindness of bringing me pleasure in the embrace of the husband his church decreed was to alone share my bed.
But God was not there. Instead I thought only of Roxanne.
#
She married Chandler, shortly after our return, and asked me to be a bridesmaid. He was appointed pastor of a nearby congregation, and Kevin and I moved into a large home on the outskirts of Glenoak, where he continued his hobby of police work while managing his family's fortune and I continued my studies. I rarely saw her after her wedding; she continued to work as a police officer and that Christmas we exchanged cards.
Slipped into the envelope of theirs was a small note written by her hand.
"Remember the dance?"
My hand trembled. I made sure that Kevin never saw this.
Kevin didn't see a lot of things.
Did God?
#
I wondered this now, as I drew closer to my degree, as the reality that soon I was to begin my ministry loomed. I prayed all the time, prayed to understand the deep need that was never answered, prayed to understand why God would make me the way I was. I read my Bible again and again, but always the words were the same, hollow, giving no answer. And always the simple reality remained.
I have created you, Lucy, as you are. And as you are I have denied you the capacity to love as I have commanded you to love.
I wondered if Kevin knew that in his arms I felt like I was nothing. I wondered if he would see that my passion for him was a lie.
I wondered about Roxanne, in the arms of Chandler.
And in time, I had to act. The words came quickly to me.
"So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate."
#
The phone rang once, twice, a third time. I tensed as it picked up.
"Hello?"
Not him, not Chandler. Thank God.
"Roxanne?"
The voice warmed, I think. Maybe.
"Lucy? Is that you?"
"Yeah. How are you?"
A chuckle. "Crazy. Chandler's got all these church things going on, and I'm supposed to help. Minister's wife stuff. You know how it is. And then there's trying to be a cop on top of it. How've you been?"
"Almost finished with my degree. I guess then they start sending me out to congregations."
"Wow. Congratulations."
"Thanks."
It was quiet then. My mouth was dry, and I felt my thighs rub together a bit. It was warm between them. Then I spoke.
"Roxanne, remember Valentine's Day?"
Another pause.
"How could I forget? We were sure nuts that night, weren't we?"
"Me more than you. I've always felt bad about how I treated you. I said some pretty awful things."
"It all worked out. We got past it."
"I still feel bad. Maybe I could meet you for lunch one of these days? My treat. I figure I owe you."
She chuckled. "Sure. We could meet at the Hotel Ritz in Glenoak. I haven't been there since ...."
"That sounds good," I told her.
She paused again now. "Lucy, can I ask you a favor?"
"Sure."
"That black number, the one you wore ... could you wear it?"
I took in a deep breath, ran my dry tongue over the roof of my mouth.
"If you wear the red," I told her.
* * *
Male and female he created them.
Female he created us.
Kevin and I were married after the usual hijinks, and for two weeks we toured Europe on our honeymoon, spending time at his home on the Riviera, where we sipped champagne and lay in each other's arms until noon. He was patient with me, and gentle and forgiving of my clumsiness and uncertainty, and I was attentive to him just as he was with me. But there was no pleasure in his embrace; only when I closed my eyes and thought of Roxanne did such pleasure come. Only when I imagined it was her there beside me, her soft, gentle curves, her attentive hands against my flesh, could I enjoy the intimate embrace of my new husband.
But I was good now, wasn't I? I had fulfilled all that God had demanded of me. I had waited till marriage and had given myself only to my husband.
I should be happy. I should feel God there, so close, the way I had when I was young, when my life was bright and filled with joy. Surely, beneath the high arches of Notre Dame, the dome of St. Peter's, of St. Paul's, God should walk beside me. Surely, as I prayed to him now, he would answer, would grant me the mercy of stilling my raging heart, the simple kindness of bringing me pleasure in the embrace of the husband his church decreed was to alone share my bed.
But God was not there. Instead I thought only of Roxanne.
#
She married Chandler, shortly after our return, and asked me to be a bridesmaid. He was appointed pastor of a nearby congregation, and Kevin and I moved into a large home on the outskirts of Glenoak, where he continued his hobby of police work while managing his family's fortune and I continued my studies. I rarely saw her after her wedding; she continued to work as a police officer and that Christmas we exchanged cards.
Slipped into the envelope of theirs was a small note written by her hand.
"Remember the dance?"
My hand trembled. I made sure that Kevin never saw this.
Kevin didn't see a lot of things.
Did God?
#
I wondered this now, as I drew closer to my degree, as the reality that soon I was to begin my ministry loomed. I prayed all the time, prayed to understand the deep need that was never answered, prayed to understand why God would make me the way I was. I read my Bible again and again, but always the words were the same, hollow, giving no answer. And always the simple reality remained.
I have created you, Lucy, as you are. And as you are I have denied you the capacity to love as I have commanded you to love.
I wondered if Kevin knew that in his arms I felt like I was nothing. I wondered if he would see that my passion for him was a lie.
I wondered about Roxanne, in the arms of Chandler.
And in time, I had to act. The words came quickly to me.
"So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate."
#
The phone rang once, twice, a third time. I tensed as it picked up.
"Hello?"
Not him, not Chandler. Thank God.
"Roxanne?"
The voice warmed, I think. Maybe.
"Lucy? Is that you?"
"Yeah. How are you?"
A chuckle. "Crazy. Chandler's got all these church things going on, and I'm supposed to help. Minister's wife stuff. You know how it is. And then there's trying to be a cop on top of it. How've you been?"
"Almost finished with my degree. I guess then they start sending me out to congregations."
"Wow. Congratulations."
"Thanks."
It was quiet then. My mouth was dry, and I felt my thighs rub together a bit. It was warm between them. Then I spoke.
"Roxanne, remember Valentine's Day?"
Another pause.
"How could I forget? We were sure nuts that night, weren't we?"
"Me more than you. I've always felt bad about how I treated you. I said some pretty awful things."
"It all worked out. We got past it."
"I still feel bad. Maybe I could meet you for lunch one of these days? My treat. I figure I owe you."
She chuckled. "Sure. We could meet at the Hotel Ritz in Glenoak. I haven't been there since ...."
"That sounds good," I told her.
She paused again now. "Lucy, can I ask you a favor?"
"Sure."
"That black number, the one you wore ... could you wear it?"
I took in a deep breath, ran my dry tongue over the roof of my mouth.
"If you wear the red," I told her.