Title: Breathing
By Isil
Rating: PG
Summary: Stuart's reflections after the dinner ( see 'Honor and love')
Spoilers: For my first story, 'Honor and love' and for QAF2. Still, it ignores the end. The boys don't leave Manchester.
Notes: Title from the song by Lifehouse "Breathing", lyrics at the end of the story. I always dreamt to write a fic with this song. Don't know if there's a good rapport between the song and the fic, though Tell me if it sucks
Thanks to: Danielle for the quick but efficient beta and to all those on the Stuartandvince list who pushed me to write more. I hope I didn't disappoint you

Breathing

It was almost five in the morning when Vince finally fell asleep. Stuart knew precisely because he was facing the alarm clock when he heard his friend's breathing deepen. When he was sure Vince wouldn't wake up, Stuart turned to face him and watched his face closely while recalling the events which left them both in Vince's bed.

It had begun as a shitty evening. The dinner with this Mason bloke had been a real disaster. Even now, Stuart couldn't help but feel guilty now that he knew the reasons behind Vince's behaviour. Actually, he had always known why Vince always put up with him, why he didn't tell him to fuck off, why he always forgave him. But it had never been this clear, this obvious. And it had nearly broken Stuart's heart. Vince's devotion went deeper than he had thought. It was more than he deserved.

Stuart sighed and reached out, almost, but not quite touching the man who had always been the One for him. He remembered Hazel's words at the wedding. Fancy him? It was so much more than that. The only reason why he had never made a move on Vince, well except for that aborted wank when they were young, was that Stuart was selfish. He knew that he would fail and lose Vince. And that was not an option.

He had understood the very first time he saw him that Vince was the only thing he really needed, the only thing that kept him human. He didn't want to lose him. So, he had always been careful to keep a distance between them. The thing was, with time, as he grew to know and appreciate Vince more, it became more and more difficult to keep from doing what he really wanted. He would reach out, touch Vince, make him feel wanted, but then he would freak out and pull back, hurting him. Hurting them both Stuart realized that deep down in his heart, he hoped Vince would make the first move, taking the responsibility from him. This way, if Stuart fucked up, Vince would somehow be responsible. That was also the goal behind all these touches and kisses. He wanted to make Vince react.

But Vince's behaviour during the dinner had struck a nerve.. He had understood, while watching Vince letting Mason humiliate him and hurt him, that his friend would never make a move. His behaviour towards Vince all these years had had the opposite effect. It had made Vince too afraid of being rejected and laughed at to do anything. So, he would satisfy himself with being the faithful friend and confidant. Taking all those small marks of affection and trying to forget the hurtful words.
'Sad bastard' thought Stuart, not really knowing who these words were for.

So he had done it. He had taken the gamble. And now, he would have to make sure things would work. Because he would not lose Vince. If he did

Frightened by this thought, he reached out again, only this time, he really touched Vince's face. Tenderly, almost reverently, he traced the handsome features, trying to reassure himself. It worked only when Vince opened sleepy eyes. He smiled the moment he saw him.

"Hey." Vince said in a voice rough with sleep.
"Didn't mean to wake you, sorry."
"It's okay. It's a nice way to wake up." He yawned, then smiling, he added:
"You said sorry again"
Stuart rolled his eyes.
"What's keeping you awake?"
"I was just thinking."
"Yeah?"
"You'll think I'm repeating myself, but"
He trailed off and pulled Vince to him. When his friend was comfortably settled with his head on Stuart's chest, he went on:
"I'm sorry. For all those times where I hurt you on purpose. And also for all those times where I didn't know I was hurting you. I'm really sorry."
Vince raised his head and looked at him with such love and devotion that Stuart thought his heart would burst.
"I love you, Stuart."
He said nothing else. He just rolled back and pulled Stuart on top of him, hugging him tight. Then he pulled him in a deep kiss. He opened himself to Stuart entirely and he did it with a trust Stuart would never have imagined possible. Their love-making was sweet but passionate. Stuart caught himself thinking he would never be tired of this.

As they were still basking in the afterglow, wrapped around each other, Stuart remarked softly:
"You're not speaking much tonight."
"I thought you didn't like me twittering"
"I never said that"
"True." Vince admitted.
"I like it when you talk. It's not always interesting, mind you..."
Vince punched him playfully on the shoulder. Then he pulled his head down for a deep snog. When they came up, Vince asked with a pout:
"Then why don't you tell me to shut up if I'm that boring?"
"I told you, I like it I think it's cute."
"Cute" Vince grimaced.
"It was supposed to be a compliment" Stuart precised.
"Well, thanks then" Vince replied, then adding in a disgusted mumble:
"Cute"
Stuart sighed and snuggled deeper to Vince.
"Tired?"
"Mmhh"
"Good night then"
"Good night Vince. Dream of me"
"Who else?" Vince asked softly.
Stuart didn't answer. A few minutes later, he fell asleep lulled by his lover's breathing, feeling more at home than he had never felt

End

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
though I don't really know what I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
spin around one more time
and gracefully fall back in the arms of grace
Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don't want to speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me
'cause I want nothing more than
to sit outside Heaven's door
and listen to you breathing
is where I want to be
I am looking past the shadows of my mind
into the truth and I'm
trying to identify the voices in my head
God, which one's you ?
Let me feel one more time
what it feels like to feel alive and break
these calluses off me one more time
Cause I am hanging on every word you say and
even if you don't want to speak tonight
that's alright, alright with me
'cause I want nothing more than
to sit outside your door
and listen to you breathing
is where I want to be
I don't want a thing from you
bet you're tired of me waiting for the straps
to fall off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now