Disclaimer: Same ol' same ol'
A/N: Hope you enjoy this chapter!
Chapter five: Pourquoi pleurez-vous?
Haruka fumbled with her keys at the door of her apartment. Usagi was still cradled in her arms; she had cried herself to sleep on the car ride home, now she was sleeping peacefully, her face nestled into Haruka's neck. It was distracting, Haruka could feel her warm breath flutter on her neck and it was making it hard to concentrate on anything except for the softness of the girl in her arms.
Finally the key went into the lock, and Haruka turned it, opened the door and closed it behind her softly with her foot. She made her way to the bedroom, not bothering to turn on the light; she knew her way around the room and managed to get to the bed without tripping.
She pulled back the covers and reluctantly placed Usagi in bed, her body was now cold in the places Usagi had been touching and she longed to pick the sleeping girl back up and just hold her close. Haruka backed up, knowing she needed to leave the room before she did something she would regret.
Usagi whimpered in her sleep and rolled restlessly onto her side. Haruka found herself back at the edge of the bed, sitting down only inches away from her. In her sleep, Usagi's face contorted with pain and she cried out. Haruka's heart ached for her, Usako hadn't told her what had happened but if it made her sleep uneasily, it must have been bad.
Usagi's long golden hair was spread out around her, spiraling in little ringlets off the side of the bed and fanned over the pillow in a beautiful disarray.
Haruka had an urge to twine a ringlet around her finger, or just run her hands through the thick spun gold. Quickly, she stamped it down. She tried to focus on anything, anything at all besides Usagi and the feelings she was having for her.
The blinds were still open and through the window, Haruka could see the sun was slowly descending in the sky. From where she was at, the ocean wasn't visible but she knew how it would look as the sun got closer and closer to sinking into it. She had spent many nights watching the ocean eat the sun and she could play sunset back in her mind whenever she closed her eyes.
Haruka stood up and stretched, then bent down to pull of the sandals that were still on Usagi's delicate feet. She impulsively kissed the curve of Usagi's calf before pulling the covers up to the girl's chin. Grabbing the shoes, she walked out of the bedroom, leaving it open a crack in case she woke up crying during the night.
The sliding door to the balcony was open but the humid breeze flowing into the stuffy apartment felt good, so Haruka left it open.
She dropped Usagi's shoes by the door, and then picked up the portable phone to call Hotaru.
She listened to the phone ring, and then smiled when Hotaru answered in her soft voice that held so much wisdom.
"Hotaru-chan, it's me…yeah I found her at the dock… I don't know, she didn't seem okay…No, I called her name but she just didn't hear me…I don't know…it could have been something between them…No, she didn't tell me…why? She was crying…she's over here now, she cried herself to sleep in the car…no, no…No, Hotaru-chan, I don't have any feelings like that—No…I really don't…Look, I don't want to talk about it now, alright…yeah, maybe tomorrow…yeah, okay…yeah…hey, Hotaru-chan, is there anyone I should call? No? Alright…okay…yeah, I'll see you tomorrow… ja ne." Haruka hung up the phone and put it back in its cradle. Hotaru was perceptive, she knew that Haruka felt something for Usagi and she'd voiced her opinions over the phone tonight.
"You have feelings for her, Haruka-chan." She had said, seemingly ignoring Haruka's protests that she didn't.
Haruka groaned and flopped onto the soft leather couch, staring at the shadows the setting sun cast on the ceiling. This was agony, she decided. Having her one true desire in the next room asleep and not being able to touch her or hold her. It was agonizing. What was she dreaming about, with her whimpers and her mind so far away dreaming. Haruka ached to be in there with her, lying beside her and holding her close to her body, feeling her chest rise and fall with each breath and her heart beat against her own.
It was lonely being in love alone.
Haruka went to sit on the window seat, pulling her knees up to her chin and resting her arms on them thoughtfully. Now she could see the ocean…it was like this the night Michiru left. Haruka waited for the pain that normally came with any thought of her first love. None came, only regret for not parting on better terms. Haruka sighed and closed her eyes, tilting her head back until it rested against the wall.
She must have fallen asleep because when Haruka opened her eyes it was nighttime. Wondering what had woken her up, Haruka stood up and listened. The sliding glass door was still open and she moved lithely across the room to close it. On her way back to the couch, Haruka paused at the bedroom door and looked in. Sobs were coming from Usagi's figure on the bed.
So that's what woke me up, Haruka thought. She walked into the room and without hesitation sat on the free side of the bed next to Usagi. "Usagi-chan?" She whispered, placing her large, strong hand on Usagi's shaking back.
Usagi kept on crying, her head buried in Haruka's pillow. Wonderful, she thought wryly, a soggy pillow. "Usagi-chan, come here." She said soothingly, pulling the sobbing girl into her arms, and holding her close. "Cherie, ma petite…" She murmured into Usagi's hair, "Ah, ma belle…c'est bien… Pourquoi pleurez-vous?"
Usagi didn't answer but her sobs did grow quieter and less often until finally she had stopped crying.
"Usagi-chan?" Haruka asked softly, wondering if she had fallen back to sleep.
"Hai?" Usagi whispered, her voice hoarse from crying. She was relaxing in Haruka's arms, she could hear her heartbeat beneath her ear and the steady, strong sound comforted her in a way that she could not describe.
"What happened today?"
Usagi took a breath; it hurt to breathe in too deeply. "I went to Mamo-ch…Mamoru's apartment. I found this dress in my mother's closet and I thought maybe if I was beautiful…maybe he'd want me. I thought maybe he'd tell me what was the matter with him. Why he was so distant. I thought if I was beautiful in that dress it would make him want me." She said, her voice breaking. It sounded so stupid and naïve now that she said it out loud, Haruka was probably laughing silently at her ignorance.
Haruka was not laughing silently. She was in shock. Usagi did not think she was beautiful, with or without that dress. Impossible and yet even as Haruka thought it was impossible for Usagi not to know her own beauty, she knew that it was true. Usagi was insecure about her body and who she was, especially when it came to Mamoru. He made her feel unworthy about herself. Baka, she thought angrily but Usagi was talking again and she forced herself to listen without interruption.
"Well, I got there finally, it was so hot outside and I felt like falling over in a faint but I knew that if I got to Mamoru's he'd forgive me. I stood outside his door for a couple of minutes, thinking that he was probably sleeping and that maybe I'd come back later so I wouldn't make him mad." Usagi stopped, her voice catching. She could see the entire scene again in her mind's eye. The redhead draping over Mamo-chan's shoulder, smiling maliciously, licking his arm, Mamo-chan's eyes darkening in a way they never had for her…Usagi shook herself and pushed herself to finish telling what had happened.
"I…I heard him laugh from inside and so I knocked. He was talking to someone, still laughing when he opened the door as far as the chain would go…the laughter was gone as soon as he saw me standing there. I asked him if he would tell me what was going on with him lately…he wouldn't tell me. He just said that he didn't have time for me to be acting like that I should go home and stay there…," Usagi trailed off, her pride making it difficult to tell what happened next.
"Then what, cherie?" Haruka murmured, rubbing her hand down Usagi's back in a comforting motion.
Usagi shivered, "Then a woman with red hair opened the door and draped herself across him, as if she was his or something…she laughed at me, and asked if 'this was her?' He just said yes and she asked if I was a little too young to be screwing…he didn't say anything, Ruka-chan. Nothing… He didn't…he didn't even look at me…he just looked straight through me…like I was never really there…maybe…maybe I never really was." Usagi whispered, a hot tear rolling down her cheek.
"Hey, hey…" Haruka tilted Usagi's chin up gently, "Look at me, Usako. You were always there. I watched the two of you together and envied what you had. It was this love that was unconditional. I watched, Usako, wishing it was…never mind…but you were always there, Usagi. It was him who wasn't." Haruka was glad for the cover of night, it hid her flushed face from Usagi's eyes.
"You wished it was what, Haruka-chan?" Usagi asked softly, straining to see Haruka's face in the dark. She couldn't. What was it that Haruka had almost said?
"Nothing, I was just…never mind. It's not important okay?"
"Okay…" Usagi said uncertainly. She wanted to know now.
Haruka shifted Usagi in her arms, "What happened next?"
"I ran out. He didn't say anything the entire time." Usagi sighed. It was starting not to hurt as much to think about. She was relaxed, Haruka was massaging her shoulders and the steady beat of her heart was soothing. Usagi closed her eyes and snuggled her face closer to Haruka's body.
Haruka stiffened up, her breathing coming a little faster. This was not a good idea. Her body was screaming to take Usagi then and there, but Haruka knew that if she did, Usagi would never forgive her. She was not homosexual and never would be. That was the way it was and Haruka would have to deal with it with as much dignity as she could muster.
"Will you stay with me, Ruka-chan?" Usagi mumbled as she drifted away to sleep.
Haruka held her tighter, still rubbing her fingers into the girl's shoulders, "Hai, I will Usako."
Then sleep over took her and she was gone, with her love nestled close in her arms, Haruka slept.