Nightmares of Power

By Adalanta

Disclaimer: It's all mine! The plot, I mean.

Author's Note: Sorry this took so long to post, but I have two very good reasons. First, as you can see, this chapter is longer than the rest, so it took longer to write. Second, and most importantly, my computer was down for over a week, bring much frustration (and the pains of computer withdrawal) into my life. I am SO glad to be back!

Like always, please take a minute to leave a review and tell me what you think, or you can email me at adalanta14@yahoo.com. Thanks!

Chapter Five

He floated in a sea of blackness, drifting aimlessly back and forth, unconcerned about what was happening. The warm darkness surrounded him, cradling him gently like a mother tenderly cradles her newborn child, afraid that, if not careful, the helpless babe might break. He was alone, which was vaguely comforting, although he couldn't remember why. Thinking was too difficult, so he soon gave up trying and just…let himself drift with the current.

How long he drifted, he wasn't sure - time was yet another aspect missing in this black void. After a while, the gentle lapping of the water that had lulled him to sleep began to change, forming small ripples that splashed lightly over his body every now and then, but still, it did not trouble him. The warm darkness was his friend, his protector - a place where he was safe and secure, where nothing could harm him.

But then the ripples changed, morphing into swells that pushed him around, forcing him to pull his body upright as it was no longer safe to lie down on his back. The swells grew larger until finally they formed violent waves that threatened to drown him. The water, which had once seemed warm and inviting, now had a biting chill to it.

"Jesse." The soft voice was distant, so faint it seemed but an echo inside a dark cave, bouncing around from all directions without an origin point. He twisted about in the water, trying to find the one who spoke, but saw nothing but dark air and even darker water.

The waves grew in intensity, and he struggled to keep his head above the ocean. The water was so frigid that it now caused a physical ache to flow though him, forcing an involuntary groan through his chattering teeth.

"Jesse!" The voice called again, insistent and more commanding, demanding an answer. It was closer now, and he turned frantically in circles, searching for someone to help rescue him.

"Where are you?" he shouted weakly, resurfacing after a large wave had broken right on top of him, pulling him under the freezing liquid. "I can't see you!"

"Yes, you can," the feminine voice replied, now practically in his ears. He could feel her warm breath on his face, even though the icy water had soaked him from head to toe. "All you have to do is open your eyes, Jesse."

"They are open," he mumbled, his frame shivering, right before another wave pushed him roughly deep under the water, tumbling him around until he couldn't tell which way was up. His lungs heaving, he nearly let panic take over his mind. I can't breathe! he screamed mentally, terror closing its clawed fists tightly about him, clenching his chest in a bruising, vice-like grip. As his vision grew red about the edges, he knew he had only a few moments before he would loose consciousness and drown. Desperate, he chose a direction and swam frantically with all his fading strength. Then, he was up, breaking the surface, coughing out a mouthful of water while taking in huge gulps of air to ease the pain in his chest.

"Jesse, please, open your eyes!" The previously calm tone had changed, the fear in it similar to the fear in Jesse's own racing heart. "You have to trust me!"

"I can't s-see you," he whispered, arms and legs growing heavy and numb from the bitter cold. "H-how do I k-know you a-are re-real?"

"Search your heart," she breathed into his left ear, as two warm arms slid around his shivering body, pulling him up out of the icy water. Startled, he stiffened in shock, and, to his utter disbelief, his eyes flew open.

And suddenly, he was no longer in the freezing ocean, surrounded by darkness. He was lying on a bed, slightly elevated by the arms that held him close. Not quite awake, he fought the person holding him, only faintly hearing the familiar voice trying to calm him, but he refused to listen. After a brief struggle, he finally broke free of the embrace and dragged himself upright on the bed.

It was a mistake.

Pain flooded his body, cramping his muscles and pinching every single nerve he had, creating a fire that engulfed him, and he couldn't hold back the tortured scream that rose up within him. Arching his back, he collapsed back onto the bed, closing his eyes and grasping the covers tightly with two white-knuckled fists. And then, as suddenly as the fire had flared to life, it vanished, leaving him shaking with aftershocks, utterly exhausted.

He laid there for a few minutes, letting his pounding heart and his rapid breathing slow, fighting to regain his composure. All the while, his mind bounced from thought to thought randomly, like a pinball at full speed. What's going on? he thought, thoroughly confused. One minute, I'm in the middle of the ocean, and the next, I'm…here in bed. Wait a minute…  

His eyes fluttered open. At first, everything was blurry and nondescript. A figure was leaning over him, and he shrank back in fear, his weakened body inching away on the mattress, but not far or fast enough for him to escape.

"Jesse?" A hand reached out to touch his face, and he flinched again. "Jesse, it's okay. It's me - Emma."

Emma? He blinked several times, and the mist that clouded his eyes dissipated, allowing him to finally focus. "What…?" he rasped, throat as dry as sand.

She stepped from his side and returned with a glass of water, then carefully lifted his head and helped him to drink. He nearly balked, embarrassed at being treated like an invalid, but his tremendous thirst won out, and he gulped greedily at the cool, refreshing liquid. "Not too fast," she cautioned, pulling the glass back a bit. "You haven't had anything to drink for a while. Go slowly, or you'll make yourself sick."

He grimaced but followed her instructions, albeit reluctantly, all the while eyeing her, examining her face. Noting the pallor of her skin and the dark circles under her eyes, he found himself wondering what could be so important as to keep her from sleep. She looks exhausted, he decided, like she hasn't slept in days. His heart ached for her. She tries so hard to act tough like Shalimar and Brennan, but I can always tell when something's bothering her. It's…different somehow. His musings were interrupted when she glanced up and met his gaze.

"Do you want any more?" she asked softly.

He realized belatedly that his glass was empty. "No, that's enough." He stared at her and then asked the first question that came into his mind. "Emma? What are you doing in my room?"

She frowned slightly, clearly stunned by his words and then shook her head. "Jesse, we're not in your room. Do you know where you are?"

He turned his head to the side to examine his surroundings and was surprised to find himself in the medical bay in Sanctuary. Now, he frowned. "Med bay? But…what am I doing here?" 

"What's the last thing you remember?"

"Sleeping," he replied after a few seconds. "I was sleeping in my room." Suddenly, an image flashed through his mind, too quickly for him to identify. "No, wait a minute…" He concentrated harder, narrowing his eyes as he dug further into his memory to recall the mysterious image. "I - I…"

The memory snapped back into place, a black and white snapshot of himself lying on his back on the cold, unforgiving floor of the power plant, arms clenched about his middle, entirely phased. "The power plant," he said faintly. "I was in the power plant…on the ground…" He opened his eyes and rolled his head back over to face his partner and friend. "I don't understand. I - I thought I was in my room." He swallowed thickly. "Did we just get back?" He breathed a sigh of relief when Emma shook her head at his question.

"No. We've been back for nearly twenty-four hours." The telempath studied him intently as she spoke, an unreadable expression on her face. "You're right. You were sleeping in bed last night…at least, for a while."

"What do you mean?" Jesse's stomach began to churn nervously, creating a surge of nausea to roll through him as he waited anxiously for her to respond. The moment the words escaped his mouth, he wished he could take them back, but it was too late. He was going to get his answer, no matter how much he dreaded it.

***************************

Like salt upon an open wound, the words fell from her lips straight into Jesse's lacerated heart, burning fiercely into his mind, causing more damage to his already fragile condition. His emotions were so strong that she nearly bolted for the door, overwhelmed by the flood that he projected, but, despite the sick feeling that rose up within her, she held her ground firmly, strengthening her mental shields to block out his suffering. Adam had said the situation needed to be dealt with right away, while Jesse was still vulnerable. And trapped, she admitted guiltily to herself, pausing briefly in her explanation, before resuming with a heavy sigh.

Ever since she'd agreed with Adam to do this, she'd hoped that Jesse would open up to her voluntarily, that her words would break through his self-imposed isolation and bring about his much needed emotional release. He'd tell her everything that happened, and she would be there to comfort and console him, a friend (she winced at that term) to hold him and keep him safe. That was what she wanted - to be the comforter, not the tormentor.

But her fervent wishes did not come true.

If anything, he closed up even more. She swore she could hear his mental door slamming shut with an eerie finality, the chinking of chains and the rattling of bolts being thrown and locked following immediately thereafter. His face hardened into stone, emotionless and unforgiving, while his eyes darkened into a storm tossed grey-blue, brimming with emotions that roiled right beneath the surface.

When she finished speaking, he just sat there, silent and still, staring straight up at the ceiling. She waited a few minutes for her friend to collect his thoughts and to say something, but as the silence grew, so did her concern. Finally, her patience ran out, and she gave in to the strong feeling of unease that had developed within her chest. "Jesse?"

There was no reply. He didn't even blink.

"Jesse. Look at me," she ordered. When that didn't work, she stepped up to his side and placed a hand on his cheek, pressing slightly to move his head towards her, forcing him to face her. Amazingly, he didn't struggle or pull away, but when she finally succeeded in turning him towards her and looked into his face, she met two blue pools of rage that sent a shiver through her entire body and made her breath catch.

"Leave. Me. Alone." He said in an icy voice. 

"You can't ignore this, Jess. It's too big for you to push away." She replied firmly, refusing to listen to him. "You need to face what happened…and talk about it."

"And how is talking going to help me?" he asked sharply, turning his gaze back to the ceiling, his expression a strange mixture of both anger and defeat that tore at her heart.

"It helps, Jesse, I promise." She spoke softly and soothingly to the worn out young man. "Why would I lie to you? Please…let me help you." She watched his expressive face, the internal war he was fighting blatantly obvious even without using her powers. Emotions flickered over his face so quickly that she could only identify a few of them: anger, fear, and guilt.

Finally, he broke the silence by turning his head to the left to face her once more. "Fine. You want me to talk – I'll talk. But I don't think it's going to help anything."

She shrugged, slightly relieved. "You never know. Now…tell me how you feel."

"Tired, like the life has been sucked out of me."

"Jesse." She raised her eyebrows at him, giving him a no-nonsense look. "That's not what I meant, and you know it." She sighed heavily, feeling like a dentist pulling out a mouthful of stubborn teeth. "When you think back to the power plant, what emotions come to mind?"

"Anger." He replied after a brief hesitation. "Fear."

"Okay, let's talk about your anger. Who are you angry at and why?" She eyed him carefully, waiting for his verbal response, but, more importantly, watching to see how he would physically react. She didn't have long to wait.

"Who do you think?!" he burst out loudly, clenching both fists. "Gaumont! Sophia! Every one of those paramilitary bastards! They used me!" He pounded the bed once in frustration, wanting, needing to lash out physically at something. "He knew, Emma. Gaumont knew exactly what I could do, who I worked with…He even knew I would react to Sophia the way I did. He knew everything. How? How could he know that?!"

"And that frightens you, doesn't it?"

"You're damn right, it frightens me!" He shivered convulsively and clutched the blankets closer to his heaving chest. "If he knows, Emma, then who else does? How can I live with the constant fear that I'm walking into another trap? That I could cause the death of my closest friends? That – " he swallowed and shivered again. "That I could loose control of my powers like I did yesterday. I can't live like that, Emma. It's too hard. I can't take it." His voice had lowered as he'd spoken, starting out in a near shout and ending just barely above a whisper.

Emma wanted more than anything just to gather him in her arms and tell him that everything would be all right and that nothing would ever happen to him again. But I can't. I promised I wouldn't lie to him. She was quiet for a minute, trying to come up with the words he so desperately needed to hear. Okay, Emma. Just handle one part at a time. "The first thing you have to understand about yesterday is that it wasn't your fault." Her heart lurched as he looked away in shame. "No, Jesse, listen to me. Look at me." She waited for him to turn back before continuing. "The nerve gas you ran into at that facility made you loose control. You couldn't stop it. It was beyond your control. I know that it's hard to believe right now, but I swear it's true."

She bit her lower lip, debating quietly whether or not she should go on. He needs to hear it sometime – might as well be now. "And as for loosing control of your powers – don't you think we all worry about that? Brennan, Shal, you, me – we all have to face that reality. It's a part of who we are, we can't change that. And you know what? I wouldn't want to. Because it's that concern – that fear – that makes us different from all of the other mutants out there running around. That common fear makes us who we are."

"I don't know how Gaumont came up with his information. If you want, I'm sure Adam would be more than willing to check it out and see what he can find." She reached over and lightly touched his hand, letting him know that she was there. "It's terrifying to think that someone has access to that kind of private information. And I can't guarantee that something like this won't happen again. All I can tell you is to trust your instincts and stay alert. And trust us, Jesse. We're not only your teammates – we're your family. We'll do everything we can to help you. You're not alone in this."

Finished for the moment, Emma stepped away from the bed, and, wanting to give him a little time to digest everything she'd said, she headed over to the computer situated against the wall about ten feet away. Once there, she sank into the comfortable leather chair and let herself momentarily relax. After several minutes of silence, she took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and opened her mind to Jesse's to assess his current emotional state. As much as she loved him and wanted to believe every single word that came from his mouth, she had a feeling that this confrontation, such as it was, was not over.

She touched the outer walls of his mind with the gentle caress of a new lover – softly and hesitantly, being extremely careful not to alarm him. She didn't want to enter his mind, she just wanted to read his surface emotions to see if her words had helped him. The intense anger and fear that she had sensed hours earlier in his nightmare and had seen in his face only a few minutes ago had faded somewhat, but, as she suspected, they had not disappeared. The two emotions were coiled tightly around his mind like a makeshift barrier, coloring all of his thoughts and feelings. That in itself was cause for concern, but what worried her the most was the ominous, black cloud of guilt, roiling actively just beneath the surface, hidden in part by his anger and fear.

He's still hiding something from me, she sighed, standing up slowly and stretching her weary body. And whatever that is, is the key to his emotional meltdown. If I can just get him to talk to me, to admit what's wrong…She left the thought unfinished and moved on. I'll give him one more chance to talk this out, but that's all. Adam's right. I need to do this while he's still weak and unable to fight back.

"So," she said, coming back to stand by her patient. "Are you feeling any better?"

"A little," he replied without looking at her. He played absently with the end of one of his blankets, his fingers worrying the white material. If she hadn't sensed that something was wrong before, his current behavior would have been a dead giveaway.

"Jesse? Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

He shook his head slightly from side to side. "No. I'm fine."

"Are you?" she prodded. "Is that really all that's bothering you?"

"Why? Isn't that enough?"

"There's something you're not telling me. I can feel it, Jesse – the guilt – "

"Are you reading me?!" he interrupted, growing agitated.

"Yes. No." She stammered, too flustered to answer correctly. "It's not what you think. I'm not – "

"Stay out of my head, Emma! You have no right to interfere – "

"I'm your friend, Jesse! I can tell you're hurting, that something isn't right. Please, give me a chance! I can help you get through this – "

"Get through what?!" he errupted, his voice seething with anger, his prone body visibly tensing beneath the blankets that covered him, like a cornered animal about to strike.

"Don't lie to yourself, Jesse Kilmartin, and don't you DARE try to lie to me!" she said heatedly, meeting his glare. She sighed in frustration and forced herself to control her temper. "Listen…I just want to help you. You…you scared me, Jesse. Seeing you like that, in so much pain…it hurt. We almost lost you. I don't want that to ever happen again, and if I can do anything to prevent it, then I will. Please, Jess. Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."

She reached out to hold his left hand in her own, but he jerked it away, turning on her with a vengeance, his body literally shaking with rage. "Nothing's wrong!" he shouted in a raw voice. "I'm fine!" 

Staring into his wild, fury-filled eyes, Emma stumbled back a few steps, fear coursing through her veins. For the very first time, she was afraid of Jesse and his abilities.

"Look at yourself!" she screamed back, pointing down at his massed fists, the glowing red and black marbled pattern standing out starkly against the thick, white blanket. "You're not fine! Look at what this is doing to you, Jesse! Whatever happened to you last night isn't over. It's going to happen again if you don't face it, and this time, I might not be able to save you!"

He twisted over on the bed, placing his back between them, the ultimate defensive gesture. "Get out of here, Emma! Leave me alone!"

She could tell by his unsteady words that he was trying to regain control of both his emotions and his powers, and she felt some of the fear within her fade…but not her anger. "I won't let you kill yourself because you're too stubborn to listen!" She stalked around the bed to face him, and, swallowing hard, she spoke in a clear unmistakable voice. "Jesse…if you don't tell me what's wrong, I'll find out myself."

His blue eyes widened with fear at her implication but that fear morphed into a smoldering fury only a few seconds later. "You – you wouldn't dare…" he stammered, his expression one of disbelief. "If Adam found out – "

"Adam," she broke in coldly, "is the one who told me to do it." Despite her unfeeling tone, she shivered inside, pleading mentally with him. Please, Jesse! Don't make me do this. Don't push me into that corner. It'll only make this harder.

His face paled even more, becoming a sickly off-white, his eyes darting frantically about the large room, searching for the one person who could save him. "Adam?!" he called out, his voice shaking. "Adam, I know you're there! Don't let her do this! Please! You promised we'd never use our powers against each other!"

Emma focused on Adam while trying to ignore her partner's heart-wrenching pleas. She reached out a tendril of thought to see if he had been swayed by Jesse's words and changed his mind, part of her hoping beyond hope that he had, aching to spare Jesse this trauma. If he had, then for once, she could help him.

But it was not to be.

When she brushed up against Adam, she felt his guilt, his pain, his fear…and his determination. She could almost hear him urging her on, encouraging her in her task. She had to go through with this. If she wanted Jesse to survive, she had to do it.

She bowed her head momentarily in defeat, finally accepting the inevitable, no matter how enormous the cost to her heart. Glancing up, she saw the utter terror on the molecular's face. "Adam, don't do this to me! Please, god, no!" he shrieked, when she stepped towards him.

Her heart nearly broke as he made one last desperate bid for freedom, struggling in vain to pull his weakened body off the bed. He succeeded in moving his right leg a few inches closer to the edge, but that was all he could manage. He screamed out his frustration as the last bit of adrenaline vanished from his system, leaving him lying there at her mercy.

She'd never heard such a sound. It was the cry of an exhausted, wounded animal, hopelessly surrounded, about to be devoured by his ruthless attackers. It was the cry of ultimate betrayal from a trusted friend. Of promises shattered into a million pieces.

Of hope lost forever.

The piercing cry would forever echo in her mind, haunting her in the midnight hours, setting her teeth on edge and her spine tingling. It seemed to go on forever, until he collapsed, slumping over onto his back, body damp with sweat from his fight, his blond hair clinging wetly to his temples and forehead.

"Emma," he whispered weakly, begging with wide, terrified eyes. "Please, don't…please."

"I'm sorry, Jesse," she whispered back, adding mentally, You'll never know how sorry I truly am. Stepping up to his side, she grasped his head firmly in both of hers to keep it still and then concentrated intently, all her willpower bent on forcing her way into his mind.  

TBC………