Day 3 --
It was four am. Hermione and Draco had huge circles under their eyes. Draco's coffee was almost entirely gone. Hermione's make up was seriously fucked up. Both of them needed sleep. Draco needed more coffee. Hermione needed ... Well, we'll leave that alone. It had taken fourty-five minutes to get Dumbledore to let Oliver go -- he didn't seem to understand that, since Oliver was already graduated, he wasn't allowed to expell him for "knowing the muffin man".
It was later revealed that "Dumbledore" was really Madame Pomfrey under the influence of a heavy dose of Polyjuice potion and a heavier dose of vodka.
Some of the highlights of their day included:
The discovery of Snape and McGonagall screwing in Severus' private store of potions. Whoop-dee-doo, was that ever a surprise.
The discovery that "Madame Pomfrey" was REALLY Colin Creevy transfigured into Madame Pomfrey, then Polyjuice-potioned into Dumbledore, all the while under a heavy dose of vodka.
This was what busied the young reporters during their second day.. But there had been no activity since then. And they were bored.
Bored as hell.
Draco whimpered, slouching in the chair, reaching for the coffee pot.. "Hermione, it's four am. Four in the morning. Four o'fucking clock in the fucking morning. And we're still on the air. Can we please ask Snape to stop this project..?.. It's insane. There are .. things .. I have to and want to do that I can't do on the air."
Just then, who should walk in but Harry.. iot?. He smirked, brushing his hair back to reveal - not his scar, but a perfectly smooth patch of skin! Harry, it seemed, was quite skilled with concealer. "Oh, and what would that be, Draco? You need to go wank off for a bit? I'll be happy to take your seat beside Hermione.."
Draco sneered, regaining his energy. "Why, Potter? So you can seduce Hermione with your girlish charms? Hah. I doubt that you could charm her into not kicking you in the genitals so hard that you fly across the room into the camera crew."
Hermione just sort of .. blinked .. watching the fierce battle between her ex-best friend and new-found sweetheart.
"Oh, and I'm so sure YOU could charm her into anything of the sort EITHER, Malfoy, or have you forgotten all those times you called the beautiful Hermione a mudblood?!"
Draco moved back as if struck, one arm moving around Hermione - they, all three, were unaware that the entirety of Hogwarts was watching them at this point. "You know very well that I meant nothing by it! .. Well.. I confess that I did when we were firsties .. even up to the fourth year .. but from last year on .. my family's honor is all that's held me back! I can't change what's happened in the past! So don't go talking about my calling her a mudblood!"
Hermione and Harry were silent for a moment before Hermione let herself melt a little into Draco's embrace, glaring at Harry. "Harry.. I told you. You don't turn me on."
Harry smiled a slick, and frankly rather disgusting, smile to Hermione. "What would it take for me to turn you on, 'Mione? C'mon, just say the word.."
Hermione blinked, then nodded. "Okay. First, go burn all of the contents of Snape's private stores in front of him. Then transfigure McGonagall into a toad. Then pluck every feather from Dumbledore's phoenix. Next, kill Mrs. Norris right in front of Filch. Lastly, attempt to repot a mandrake without any sort of protection from its cries. Then I'll talk to you a little more."
Draco smirked, watching Harry scowl a bit. "Oh well.. But, now I have something to say to you two. SMILE! YOU'RE STILL ON HOGWARTS CAMERA! You two've revealed your secret to the WHOLE SCHOOL, just like Ginny, Lavender, and I said you would." Harry sneered, and turned on his heel, striding off- stage.
Draco and Hermione sat there, dumbfounded.. They'd really just told the whole school, hadn't they. Draco withdrew his arm from Hermione and started to cry. He could already feel his father's punishment.. And Hermione just stared blankly at the desk. She could already feel Malfoy's punishment, too.
-
At that moment, Dumbledore and Voldemort were having an argument in the Great Hall..
"I'm telling you, Dumbledore! Briefs are far superior to boxers!"
Dumbledore shook his head, and looked up at the dark wizard. "Tomas Riddle.. I do not understand your thinking on this subject. It is obvious - and proven - that boxers have the upper hand. For that, fifty points will be taken from Slytherin."
Voldemort snorted, slamming a fist down onto the table. "Head master, you're shitting yourself.. You can't deduct points from Slytherin for a difference of opinion I had with you. I haven't been in Slytherin since the seventies!"
"I can deduct anything I want at any time I want! I'm head master! And if you insist that briefs are better than boxers, I will have to chastise you by deducting points from your house!"
Voldemort stood, tears welling up in his eyes. "Dumbledore! You're so mean! You never loved me! Never! I hate you! I hate all of you!!"
And, with that, Tom Riddle ran off crying.
-
Although Colin's polyjuice potion and transfiguration spell had worn off, he had tied Oliver to a chair, and was questioning him ferociously. "Tell me, Wood.. Do you know the Muffin Man?!"
Oliver raised a brow, quite confused. "Th.. the muffin man?"
"The Muffin Man!"
Wood shrugged, looking up at the younger student. "Do YOU know the muffin man?"
"The Muffin Man?.."
He nodded. "The muffin man."
Colin nodded coldly. "Yes, I know the Muffin Man.. He lives on Drowery Lane.. But that's off the subject! Who else do you know who knows the Muffin Man?!"
"Well.." Oliver bit his lip. "She's .. married to the muffin man .."
Colin's eyes widened. "The Muffin Man..?!.."
A nod. "The muffin man."
Colin thought a bit, shaking his head in disbelief. "She's married to the Muffin Man.."
Wood nodded. "Yes, the one who lives on Drowery Lane."
Colin's interrogation had been going on like this for quite a while.
-
Ron was in his room, watching the Hogwarts news show with Padma.. He couldn't believe what Harry was doing to Hermione. They'd been best friends so long... "Bloody Hell, Padma... Where has all the bloody love gone?"
Padma sighed and shook her head. "I don't know.. We should talk to Harry, shouldn't we?"
Ron shook his head. "Bloody hell, no.. He'd bloody slit our bloody throats. It'd be bloody .. bloody."
"But, Ron! You three've been such good friends for so long..! Maybe he'd listen to you?"
".. I bloody doubt it, Padma .. but I suppose I don't bloody see any reason in bloody hell why we can't try. Shall we try?" He averted his eyes from the television to his Ravenclaw-sorted Patil twin.
Padma nodded, smiling a bit at him. "Yes, we should. . . And Ron?"
"Bloody hell! Oh. What is it?" Ron blinked a bit.
"..Er.. Ron.. can you perhaps.. keep the 'bloody's at a minimum..?.. It gets really annoying after a while."
Ron glared at Padma, turning away. "Bloody hell, take me the way I bloody am or bloody leave me a-bloody-lone, you bloody conniving wench."
Padma giggled, nodding. "Oh, Ron. I love it when you call me a bloody conniving wench.."
They proceeded to do things that shan't be detailed here.
-
Meanwhile, Severus had traded in his old clothes of frilly pink for his lover's new fetish - black spandex and a white glove. The more he and Minerva drank together, the more Michael Jackson wormed his way into Hogwarts' Potions Master and Transfiguration Mistress.
-
Pansy and Vincent had been working out their emotional problems over the past while, too.. Most of their insecurities stemmed from the same sources: parents, puberty, and Draco Malfoy.
"And.. -sniff-.. so.. that's why I can't sleep without dreaming about Draco .." This was the end of Pansy's story of her Draco-induced insomnia.
"Gee Pansy, that's horrible.." He sniffed real hard, as he always was..
Oddly enough, this was when Pansy chose to make her move.
"Speaking of horribly, Crabbe .. Do you ever find yourself .. lonely .. ? .."
Crabbe thought a bit. He didn't know what she was asking .. He had Gregory, and Dr - well, he used to have Draco. Then, of course, he had a rat.. And an imaginary friend..
Pansy, noting the confusion in his face, tried to clarify. "I mean.. lonely for a girl."
Crabbe was taken aback by this. Was she.. was she really?! ..
..Was she really asking if he had an imaginary girlfriend?! Of all the impertinence .. ! "I don't have no imaginary girlfriend.."
Pansy laughed a bit, still not quite able to fathom the depths of Vincent's stupidity. "Oh, no, I didn't mean that.. I meant, would you.. do you.. Oh, Crabbe.. What I mean is that you, Vincent Crabbe .. you .. have the .. the nicest eyes .."
As Pansy leaned close, Crabbe jerked away, tears standing in his eyes. "Pansy.. I can't! I'm sorry!"
And with that, he ran off...
Such were the sorrows of Pansy's pursuit of the emotionally-scarred Vincent Crabbe.
-
Draco and Hermione, despite the shock of what they'd told the whole school, were still at work. A random Slytherin came by and dropped a piece of paper upon the desk before turning on his heel and walking off again, as the messengers had a tendency to do.
Draco blinked, and yawned, drinking a draught of coffee (this time, it was caffeinated) before reading the memo: "This just in.. a few things have been noted around the school: several of the televisions are covered in lipstick and saliva.. Filch would like to remind the student body that, if whoever is making out with the TVs turn themselves in, their punishment will be much easier. Also, we will be having a surprise visit from Lucius Malfoy to..."
Draco's voice went dead with fear, just staring at the memo.. Hermione took the paper, and gasped, eyes wide. She managed to choke out the rest of the memo.. "..tomorrow. He will have reviewed yesterday's tape to see how his son is holding up the family name."
This time Hermione was the one banging her head, and Draco was the one to burst into tears.
This week was going to be even longer than they'd thought.
-
A/N Thanks again to all who R&Rd, or rather tried.. I've finally fixed the effil problem with the anonymous reviews prohibition.
Special thanks to:
Phil D. (CrazyMan Phil) for the idea of lipstick and saliva all over the televisions around the school
And
Alexis for the idea of Harry trying to seduce Hermione right in front of Draco.
It was four am. Hermione and Draco had huge circles under their eyes. Draco's coffee was almost entirely gone. Hermione's make up was seriously fucked up. Both of them needed sleep. Draco needed more coffee. Hermione needed ... Well, we'll leave that alone. It had taken fourty-five minutes to get Dumbledore to let Oliver go -- he didn't seem to understand that, since Oliver was already graduated, he wasn't allowed to expell him for "knowing the muffin man".
It was later revealed that "Dumbledore" was really Madame Pomfrey under the influence of a heavy dose of Polyjuice potion and a heavier dose of vodka.
Some of the highlights of their day included:
The discovery of Snape and McGonagall screwing in Severus' private store of potions. Whoop-dee-doo, was that ever a surprise.
The discovery that "Madame Pomfrey" was REALLY Colin Creevy transfigured into Madame Pomfrey, then Polyjuice-potioned into Dumbledore, all the while under a heavy dose of vodka.
This was what busied the young reporters during their second day.. But there had been no activity since then. And they were bored.
Bored as hell.
Draco whimpered, slouching in the chair, reaching for the coffee pot.. "Hermione, it's four am. Four in the morning. Four o'fucking clock in the fucking morning. And we're still on the air. Can we please ask Snape to stop this project..?.. It's insane. There are .. things .. I have to and want to do that I can't do on the air."
Just then, who should walk in but Harry.. iot?. He smirked, brushing his hair back to reveal - not his scar, but a perfectly smooth patch of skin! Harry, it seemed, was quite skilled with concealer. "Oh, and what would that be, Draco? You need to go wank off for a bit? I'll be happy to take your seat beside Hermione.."
Draco sneered, regaining his energy. "Why, Potter? So you can seduce Hermione with your girlish charms? Hah. I doubt that you could charm her into not kicking you in the genitals so hard that you fly across the room into the camera crew."
Hermione just sort of .. blinked .. watching the fierce battle between her ex-best friend and new-found sweetheart.
"Oh, and I'm so sure YOU could charm her into anything of the sort EITHER, Malfoy, or have you forgotten all those times you called the beautiful Hermione a mudblood?!"
Draco moved back as if struck, one arm moving around Hermione - they, all three, were unaware that the entirety of Hogwarts was watching them at this point. "You know very well that I meant nothing by it! .. Well.. I confess that I did when we were firsties .. even up to the fourth year .. but from last year on .. my family's honor is all that's held me back! I can't change what's happened in the past! So don't go talking about my calling her a mudblood!"
Hermione and Harry were silent for a moment before Hermione let herself melt a little into Draco's embrace, glaring at Harry. "Harry.. I told you. You don't turn me on."
Harry smiled a slick, and frankly rather disgusting, smile to Hermione. "What would it take for me to turn you on, 'Mione? C'mon, just say the word.."
Hermione blinked, then nodded. "Okay. First, go burn all of the contents of Snape's private stores in front of him. Then transfigure McGonagall into a toad. Then pluck every feather from Dumbledore's phoenix. Next, kill Mrs. Norris right in front of Filch. Lastly, attempt to repot a mandrake without any sort of protection from its cries. Then I'll talk to you a little more."
Draco smirked, watching Harry scowl a bit. "Oh well.. But, now I have something to say to you two. SMILE! YOU'RE STILL ON HOGWARTS CAMERA! You two've revealed your secret to the WHOLE SCHOOL, just like Ginny, Lavender, and I said you would." Harry sneered, and turned on his heel, striding off- stage.
Draco and Hermione sat there, dumbfounded.. They'd really just told the whole school, hadn't they. Draco withdrew his arm from Hermione and started to cry. He could already feel his father's punishment.. And Hermione just stared blankly at the desk. She could already feel Malfoy's punishment, too.
-
At that moment, Dumbledore and Voldemort were having an argument in the Great Hall..
"I'm telling you, Dumbledore! Briefs are far superior to boxers!"
Dumbledore shook his head, and looked up at the dark wizard. "Tomas Riddle.. I do not understand your thinking on this subject. It is obvious - and proven - that boxers have the upper hand. For that, fifty points will be taken from Slytherin."
Voldemort snorted, slamming a fist down onto the table. "Head master, you're shitting yourself.. You can't deduct points from Slytherin for a difference of opinion I had with you. I haven't been in Slytherin since the seventies!"
"I can deduct anything I want at any time I want! I'm head master! And if you insist that briefs are better than boxers, I will have to chastise you by deducting points from your house!"
Voldemort stood, tears welling up in his eyes. "Dumbledore! You're so mean! You never loved me! Never! I hate you! I hate all of you!!"
And, with that, Tom Riddle ran off crying.
-
Although Colin's polyjuice potion and transfiguration spell had worn off, he had tied Oliver to a chair, and was questioning him ferociously. "Tell me, Wood.. Do you know the Muffin Man?!"
Oliver raised a brow, quite confused. "Th.. the muffin man?"
"The Muffin Man!"
Wood shrugged, looking up at the younger student. "Do YOU know the muffin man?"
"The Muffin Man?.."
He nodded. "The muffin man."
Colin nodded coldly. "Yes, I know the Muffin Man.. He lives on Drowery Lane.. But that's off the subject! Who else do you know who knows the Muffin Man?!"
"Well.." Oliver bit his lip. "She's .. married to the muffin man .."
Colin's eyes widened. "The Muffin Man..?!.."
A nod. "The muffin man."
Colin thought a bit, shaking his head in disbelief. "She's married to the Muffin Man.."
Wood nodded. "Yes, the one who lives on Drowery Lane."
Colin's interrogation had been going on like this for quite a while.
-
Ron was in his room, watching the Hogwarts news show with Padma.. He couldn't believe what Harry was doing to Hermione. They'd been best friends so long... "Bloody Hell, Padma... Where has all the bloody love gone?"
Padma sighed and shook her head. "I don't know.. We should talk to Harry, shouldn't we?"
Ron shook his head. "Bloody hell, no.. He'd bloody slit our bloody throats. It'd be bloody .. bloody."
"But, Ron! You three've been such good friends for so long..! Maybe he'd listen to you?"
".. I bloody doubt it, Padma .. but I suppose I don't bloody see any reason in bloody hell why we can't try. Shall we try?" He averted his eyes from the television to his Ravenclaw-sorted Patil twin.
Padma nodded, smiling a bit at him. "Yes, we should. . . And Ron?"
"Bloody hell! Oh. What is it?" Ron blinked a bit.
"..Er.. Ron.. can you perhaps.. keep the 'bloody's at a minimum..?.. It gets really annoying after a while."
Ron glared at Padma, turning away. "Bloody hell, take me the way I bloody am or bloody leave me a-bloody-lone, you bloody conniving wench."
Padma giggled, nodding. "Oh, Ron. I love it when you call me a bloody conniving wench.."
They proceeded to do things that shan't be detailed here.
-
Meanwhile, Severus had traded in his old clothes of frilly pink for his lover's new fetish - black spandex and a white glove. The more he and Minerva drank together, the more Michael Jackson wormed his way into Hogwarts' Potions Master and Transfiguration Mistress.
-
Pansy and Vincent had been working out their emotional problems over the past while, too.. Most of their insecurities stemmed from the same sources: parents, puberty, and Draco Malfoy.
"And.. -sniff-.. so.. that's why I can't sleep without dreaming about Draco .." This was the end of Pansy's story of her Draco-induced insomnia.
"Gee Pansy, that's horrible.." He sniffed real hard, as he always was..
Oddly enough, this was when Pansy chose to make her move.
"Speaking of horribly, Crabbe .. Do you ever find yourself .. lonely .. ? .."
Crabbe thought a bit. He didn't know what she was asking .. He had Gregory, and Dr - well, he used to have Draco. Then, of course, he had a rat.. And an imaginary friend..
Pansy, noting the confusion in his face, tried to clarify. "I mean.. lonely for a girl."
Crabbe was taken aback by this. Was she.. was she really?! ..
..Was she really asking if he had an imaginary girlfriend?! Of all the impertinence .. ! "I don't have no imaginary girlfriend.."
Pansy laughed a bit, still not quite able to fathom the depths of Vincent's stupidity. "Oh, no, I didn't mean that.. I meant, would you.. do you.. Oh, Crabbe.. What I mean is that you, Vincent Crabbe .. you .. have the .. the nicest eyes .."
As Pansy leaned close, Crabbe jerked away, tears standing in his eyes. "Pansy.. I can't! I'm sorry!"
And with that, he ran off...
Such were the sorrows of Pansy's pursuit of the emotionally-scarred Vincent Crabbe.
-
Draco and Hermione, despite the shock of what they'd told the whole school, were still at work. A random Slytherin came by and dropped a piece of paper upon the desk before turning on his heel and walking off again, as the messengers had a tendency to do.
Draco blinked, and yawned, drinking a draught of coffee (this time, it was caffeinated) before reading the memo: "This just in.. a few things have been noted around the school: several of the televisions are covered in lipstick and saliva.. Filch would like to remind the student body that, if whoever is making out with the TVs turn themselves in, their punishment will be much easier. Also, we will be having a surprise visit from Lucius Malfoy to..."
Draco's voice went dead with fear, just staring at the memo.. Hermione took the paper, and gasped, eyes wide. She managed to choke out the rest of the memo.. "..tomorrow. He will have reviewed yesterday's tape to see how his son is holding up the family name."
This time Hermione was the one banging her head, and Draco was the one to burst into tears.
This week was going to be even longer than they'd thought.
-
A/N Thanks again to all who R&Rd, or rather tried.. I've finally fixed the effil problem with the anonymous reviews prohibition.
Special thanks to:
Phil D. (CrazyMan Phil) for the idea of lipstick and saliva all over the televisions around the school
And
Alexis for the idea of Harry trying to seduce Hermione right in front of Draco.