Zig heilo, I am ze Nuckpang. Zis is ze second part of mine rewrite. Hope you are having ze fun. If you haven't reviewed zhis, VOT ZE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? Tell me vot you zink of my writing and my ridiculous accent, once you have zon dat, read on...
C3PO And R2D2 are in the desert walking away form the escape pod.
R2D2: *Shocked* beep (so, we could get the playboy channel)
C3PO: Yes, who knew women could do THAT?
R2D2: Beep (yeah, and that thing with the tortoise and the piece of string...wow)
C3PO: *Realising where he is* what a desolate place this is.
R2D2: Beep (could be worse, we could be over there. *points to a group of cannibals boiling droids in a big pot*)
C3PO: Good point.
R2D2: Beep (no, not the cannibals, beside them. *Points to the right of the cannibals where a very old and boring teacher is slowly teaching his class algebra. *)
C3PO: *Runs away screaming* aggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
R2D2: Beep (yeah, thought so.)
C3PO: I just can't go on, my joints have frozen up.
R2D2: Bleep (well, you are standing in the middle of a dessert.)
C3PO: Don't you mean a desert?
R2D2: Beep (no, look down)
C3PO: *Looks down, he is standing in a bowl of jelly and ice cream* oh, right then.
R2D2: Beep (well, I'm off. *Starts to trundle away*)
C3PO: What? Where are you going? What makes you think there are settlements in that direction?
R2D2: Beep (I got a map)
C3PO: Oh, and where are you going?
R2D2: Beep (I'm goin ta Vegas)
C3PO: Well I'm not going that way, it's much too rocky.
R2D2: Bleep (sissy)
C3PO: I am not, I'm just prissy.
R2D2: Bleepy beep (that's not even a word)
C3PO: Yes it is, it never showed up on spellchecker.
R2D2: Beep (damn, you got me there. Oh well, bye.)
C3PO: Wait, you can't just leave me here on my own...
R2D2: Beep (oh sure I can)
C3PO: Fine then, you go, go to Vegas, leave me here...on my own...*starts to sob*...with on one to talk to, me, all vulnerable and alone...
R2D2: Beep (yeah, that's the plan)
C3PO: *runs off crying hysterically*
R2D2: Beep (*looks at him run for a while* bye now)
Somewhere in the desert C3PO has calmed down.
C3PO: *Mumbles* fucken little droid...he tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better.
In Vegas R2D2 is strolling down the street surrounded by beautiful scantily clad women and has a huge bowl of gambling chips on his head.
R2D2: Beep (hehehe, I tricked him into going that way)
Back to C3PO.
C3PO: *looks up* a transport, I'm saved. OVER HERE!!! OVER HERE!!! *the sand crawler turns and comes towards him* ha, I'll show that little crome dome bitch who's best. *the sand crawler is getting close*. Err... shouldn't you be stopping now? Hello? HELLO? *he turns and starts to run as fast as his little droid legs can carry him, bout 2 miles an hour* ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH *gets crushed by the sand crawler*
voice from inside crawler: chuck chuck naboo?(you hear something?)
other voice: ning nong (nope!)
back in Vegas R2D2 is walking along the street. A jawa jumps out of a dark ally way.
Jawa: BOO!
R2D2: EEK(oh dear, I do belive I am about to have a cardiac arrest *has a heart attack and keels over* yep, cardiac arrest)
Jawa: hotini chuckningnucknang (MA, it happened again)
Mother: chuck chuck frang (oh no, not again. What have I told you about this?)
Jawa: ching chong chang (*looking at the ground and shuffling his feet* sorry ma, won't do it again ma)
Mother: chuck nuck chuck pang (good. Well come on then, lets get him into the crawler)
Jawa: hutini? (er... ma, how did we get a sand crawler into the middle of Las Vegas?)
Mother: hungtoni (don't ask stupid questions)
Inside the sand crawler R2D2 is lying in a pile of rubbish.
R2D2: beep (oh god, my head. What did I drink and how many times did I drink it? And whose bed am I in? *looks to his right and sees C3PO lying beside him* OH SWEET SITH SPAWN, NO!!!!!! Wait, maybe I can still sneak away quietly...
C3PO: *wakes up* R2 is that you?
R2D2: bleep (what, no, I'm ...R2...D3. Now listen, whatever happened last night was a mistake, I know I had a lot to drink an...)
C3PO: R2D2 IS YOU, IT IS YOU.
R2D2: BEEP (NO IT ISN'T, NO IT ISN'T...)
outside the sand crawler two Jawas are talking.
Voice from inside: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!)
Back at the escape pod the storm troopers are investigating the site.
Stormtrooper1: yep, that's defiantly an escape pod.
Stormtrooper2: yeah, that's what that is.
Stormtrooper3: there can be no doubt that is what that is.
Stormtrooper4: absolutely...unless it's a supply pod.
Stormtrooper1: ye...what?
Stormtrooper4: well, it could be a supply pod.
Stormtrooper1: oh yeah, it could be a supply pod. BUT it is much more likely that it is an escape pod.
Stormtrooper4: well I don't know, I'd rather a supply pod then an escape pod in a place like this.
Stormtrooper1: wha...yeah well obviously, but still...
Stormtrooper5: it could be some sort of tent.
Stormtrooper3: or a really small house.
Stormtrooper2: it could be a prop from an earlier sci-fi film.
Stormtrooper6: it could be a giant eyeball
Stormtrooper1: yeah it could be...WHAT???
Everyone turns to stare at stormtrooper6.
Stormtrooper6: what? It could be!
Stormtrooper1: how many things do you know that have eyeballs that big?
Stormtrooper6: well...him for one. *points to a giant Cyclops standing in the dessert*
Cyclops: *from off screen* bloody ice cream!
Stormtrooper1: yeah, well he has his, doesn't he?
Cyclops: now where did I put that bloody eye? *starts to pat his pockets* I know I had it here just a second ago.
Nuckpang runs in. (that is, me. You know, the guy writing this? The one making you roll around on the floor, crying...wait, you are crying because it's funny aren't you? WHAT??? Asshole. I have a lot of better things I could be doing you know, I have a maths project due in tomorrow, I could be doing that, *starts to sob* but no...I give you my free time, I sacrifice so much just to give you a giggle, *starts to cry* just to make you smile... aaaaaaghhhhaha *recovers*. Oh well...)
Nuckpang: no, no, no. this will not do. Cyclops's are fantasy creatures, they do not exist in the star wars universe.
Stormtrooper1: you wanna tell HIM that?
Nuckpang: fine then, I will. *to Cyclops* HEY! YOU! YOU DON'T EXIST!
Cyclops: what? Piss off. *kicks Nuckpang and sends him flying off over the horizon*
Nuckpang: *flying through the air* you'lll regret thaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttt.
Cyclops: huhuhu, he stopid.
Nuckpangs voice coming down from the clouds: you're messing with the wrong author.
A shadow appears on the Cyclopes head and starts to get bigger.
Cyclops: *Looks up* eep.
Darth Vader's star destroyer lands on his head.
Nuckpang: ha, showed you.
Vader's voice from inside the star destroyer: awight, how got the diwections wong AGAIN???
Stormtrooper3: look sir, droids. *Points to IG88 and 4LOM standing in the middle of the desert, 4LOM waves*
Stormtrooper1: er...I think we'll just leave them.
Back to the sand crawler, which has just pulled up to Luke's house.
R2D2: Bleep (you still have your foot in that jelly and ice cream, you know.)
C3PO: I like it there.
R2D2: Beep (your weird)
C3PO: Piss off.
A Jawa walks in and gestures with his gun for them to get out.
C3PO: oh, don't shoot.
Jawa: hutini (it's taking all my will power)
Luke is running across the desert, his golden hair flowing in the breeze, his beautiful manly body, perfectly toned, *starts to drool* so muscular, so sexy...er, what I mean is...erm... hey, look over there! *Points, then runs off*. SUCKERS
*Walks back, escorted by a pair of muscled bodyguards* I have just been informed that I can't actually run off, seeing as I have to stay here and narrate the story.
Aunt beru: *from inside the hole* LUKE, if uncle gets a translator make sure it speaks batchi.
Luke: Doesn't look like we have much of choice, but I'll remind him.
Aunt beru: oh, one more thing, I seemed to have dropped this tool, could you come down here and pick it up for me?
Luke: Sure. *Climbs down, bends over and picks up the tool*
Aunt beru: *from a specially selected position behind him* what a great ass.
Luke: What?
Aunt beru: Opps, er, I meant, your uncle. Look at him going making an ass of himself in front of those Jawas, big stupid...ass. Yeah, I covered that up pretty well. Anyway, go on, get up there and help him.
Luke: Sure.
Back at the sand crawler.
Uncle Owen: yeah, I'll take the red one. No, not the blue, he's ugly. *To C3PO* You, I suppose your programmed for edict and protocol.
C3PO: Nope.
Uncle Owen: I have no use fo... what?
C3PO: No, I'm not.
Uncle Owen: really? Oh, all right then. I'll take him too.
C3PO: Hehehe
Uncle Owen: hey, sweet-cheeks. Get over here.
Luke: Why do you keep calling me that?
Uncle Owen: what? Oh shit... er... no reason.
Jawa: cuck nuck (by the way, several members of my crew were wondering if Luke was seeing anybody *points to a group of Jawas standing off to one side, shuffleing their feet shyly. One waves*)
Luke: *waves back, in a slightly different way* ah, ain't that nice?
Uncle Owen: YES, he's seeing some one.
Luke: Yep, I can see all of you, I can see the droids, I can see aunt beru, oh dear she seems to have dropped something else. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE! *Runs off*
Jawa: he doesn't have a clue, does he?
Uncle Owen: no, not a clue.
Luke: *Runs back over* sorry, aunt beru dropped a screwdriver down a drain, I had to bend over really far to get. *Whispers to Uncle Owen* By the way, I think she might have a bit of a problem with her mouth, coz when I turned around, she was drooling really badly.
Uncle Owen: I wouldn't worry about that, just take these two over to the garage and clean them up.
Luke: Sure.
Uncle Owen: what? Are you sure you don't want to anchorhead with your friends?
Luke: No, last time I went there we were mugged by that huge mob. Remember? They all kept thinking that my wallet was in my back pocket, and kept trying to grab it really hard?
Uncle Owen: oh yeah, all right then. Off you go.
Luke: Come on you, and you too red.
The red R2 unit starts to walk up to him. He passes R2D2 on the way to Luke. As he does a panel in R2D2 flicks open, a taser comes out and electrocutes the red droid. It's head explodes.
Luke: Aww, Uncle Owen, this R2 unit has a busted motivator.
R2D2: bleep (*sniggers* hehehe)
C3PO: *Taps Luke on the shoulder* excuse me sir, but that R2 unit is in prime condition. * Points to a green unit beside R2D2*
Luke: what? That blue one?
C3PO: NO, I've worked with him before, he's useless. The o...
Luke: HEY, UNCLE OWEN? WHAT ABOUT THAT BLUE ONE?
C3PO: nononononononononononononononononononononono, don't pick him, what ever you do don't pick hi...* R2D2 trundles up to them* R2D2, how good to see you, do you have any idea how hard I had to work to get you picked? You'd just better be grateful.
In Luke's garage.
Luke: You know Biggs is right...*looking in a mirror* I do need a haircut.
C3PO: Oh I don't know, I think it makes you look quite sexy.
Luke: What?
C3PO: Er...*draws a x on the wall* look, see X see?
Luke: Oh yeah, I do. Nice X.
C3PO: Oh thank the maker, this oil bath is going to feel so good.
Luke: *Looks up confused* we don't have an oil bath. We have got a huge vat of sulphuric acid though.
C3PO: *Looks down at his legs* oh shit.
Luke: And one full of petrol. Er, by the way, why do you have your foot stuck in a bowl of ice cream?
C3PO: It's a fashion accessory.
Luke: oh right. Looks goo...
The smoker from chapter1 runs in, still on fire.
Smoker: ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! Putitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitout!!?!!!!
*Spots a tub of water* I'm saved!!!! *Dives in*
Luke: er... that's not water, it's petrol.
Uncle Owen is still talking to the Jawa.
Uncle Owen: see the game last night?
In the background the garage explodes.
Luke runs out, smouldering, with his clothes in tatters (several Jawas jump up with cameras in their hands).
Luke: It's all right, I'm ok. I'll just use the other garage.
In the other garage.
Luke: Hmm my little friend...
R2D2: Beep (I'm not your friend)
Luke: ...Looks like you got a lot of carbon scoring.
R2D2: Bleep (hey, wanna see something I taped off our shuttle ride? *starts up his holoprojector, Leia appears*.)
Leia: help me obi-wan kenobi, you're my only hope.
R2D2: Bleep beep (shit, wrong thing.)
Luke: Wow, who is she? She's beautiful.
C3PO: I'm not sure sir, I think she was a passenger on our last voyage. I can't really remember, *glares at R2D2* I especially can't remember anything about this little prick being given her fucken underwear.
R2D2: Bleep (*sniggers* hehehe)
Luke: Playback the rest of the message.
R2D2: Beep (no, I don't wanna)
C3PO: He says his restraining bolt has short-circuited it, maybe if you remove your clothes, damnit, I mean the bolt, he might be able to playback the message.
R2D2: Beep (I didn't say that.)
Luke: Well, I guess you're too small to run away on me if I take this off.
R2D2: Beep (ha, gonna prove your ass wrong)
Aunt beru: LUKE, COME FOR YOUR DINNER. I MADE YOUR FAVORATE, BUT THEN I DROPPED IT, COULD YOU COME AND PICK IT UP?
Luke: COMING! *Runs off*
C3PO: Just you reconsider playing that message for him.
R2D2: Bleep (ok...I've reconsidered it. NO)
C3PO: I don't think he likes you at all, and I don't like you either.
R2D2: Beep (wo-whooooooooo, yesyesyesyesyesyesyes, YES. I am so good).
At the dinner table.
Luke: You know I think those two droids might be stolen.
Aunt Beru: WHAT??? WHO TOLD YOU? All right, listen, I was walking along the street, and they were just standing there, I thought, "well aren't we looking for a new pair of garbage droids?" I swear, If you rat us out to the cops I'll gut you like a fish. Don't worry, don't panic, we can still get rid of the evidence. *Runs out*.
Luke: I meant the blue and the golden ones.
Uncle Owen: What makes you think that son?
Luke: I stumbled across an old recording while I was cleaning him.
Uncle Owen: Oh, he showed you the one he taped off the shuttle trip as well? Wow, I mean, just with a tortoise and a piece of string...
Luke: no, I meant the one about obi-wan kenobi.
Uncle Owen: Ben kenobi? He's just a crazy old man.
Luke: No, obi-wan, not Ben. *Slowly* Obi-waaaaan.
Uncle Owen: No, they're the same man. Obi-wan was your father's teacher when he was a Jedi knight.
Luke: What? A Jedi knight? My father wasn't a Jedi, he ran a spice freighter.
Uncle Owen: No Luke, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, your father was a Jedi knight, who joined the dark side and hunted down and killed the remainder of the Jedi, plunging the universe into a time of evil and darkne...I mean, yes, yes he was a spice guy. Who ran a spice... thing? With spice n stuff. Yeah, I didn't just blow that bigtime.
Luke: *In dreamy awe* yeah, a spice freighter. Wow
Aunt Beru: *runs back in, a droids arm in one hand, a sledgehammer in the other* well, that's all sorted out.
Back in the garage, Luke walks in. C3PO is sitting behind a pile of rubbish, a "playdroid" magazine in his hand.
Luke: Now where could he be? *Presses a button*
C3PO: *Jumps up involuntarily, dropping the magazine as he does so* oh shit.
Luke: What are you doing back there?
C3PO: Feck, er nothing. Em, *mumbles* need to draw attention away from dirty self. Er... *loudly* I tried to stop him, but he's faulty, malfunctioning, he kept babbling on about his mission.
Luke: Oh, no, R2D2's run away.
R2D2: *From behind a pile of boxes* bleep (no I haven't.)
Luke: *Runs outside*
R2D2: *Trundles out from behind corner* bleep (what's up with him? Hey, playdroid!)
Luke: *From outside* damnit, he's no where to be seen. I'll have to go after him in the morning.
R2D2: Bleep (I haven't run away, I'm right here. Good idea though, thanks. *Rolls out the back door*)
Luke Appears in the doorway, R2D2 is getting away in the background.
Luke: Damn, I can't find him anywhere. He's going to get me in a lot of trouble.
C3PO: Yeah, I know the feeling.
It's morning. In the desert Luke is flying across the sand in his speeder.
Luke: There's a droid on the scanner, it might be our R2. *stops, IG88 is standing there, surrounded by massacred stormtroopers.* hmm, maybe not. *speeds off, then pulls up beside R2D2.* hey, where do you think your going?
R2D2: Over there *an arm extends and points to a sign*.
Sign: make-out point
Luke: well sorry, but you have to come home.
R2D2: bleep (but there are several life signs up there)
Luke: sand people, or worse. Come on. *Grabs a of binoculars and looks up* well I can see a couple of banthas up there, but no sand peo...wait, I can see two n...wow...I didn't know they could do that, I mean, just a tortoise and a piece of string...wow.
Sandperson: *jumps up in front of Luke* hoarrrrrrr ( peeping tom eh? I'll show you what we do to your sort round ere mate)
He knocks Luke senseless. Then he looks around, and spots C3PO with a camera in his hand.
C3PO: Er... hi. This camera? This isn't my camera! It's...erm...I'm just photographing the beautiful wildlif...
Back to R2D2. C3PO's screams eventually die down, and two sand people appear carrying Luke. They walk over to the speeder, and start to search it.
Sandperson1: horrrr haoo (there has to be some decent porno in here, you saw those two, dirty bastards the both of them).
Suddenly something roars and an old man in a big brown cowl stumbles down the slope.
Sandperson: harharhor (oh no, an old defenceless man) *they run off*
Obi-wan: help, I'm being chased by some bloody huge dragon!!! *the roar sounds again* HELLLLLLLPP!!!
The dragon lumbers over the ridge, catches up with obi-wan and eats him.
Nuckpang runs in. (zats me again)
Nuckpang: *to dragon* no, no, no. Sorry, but you can't eat him. He's a central character, and I need him to continue the story, so spit him up, right now, NO, no excuses, just do it. *The dragon spits out obi-wan* there you go now. Anyway, if your hungry eat him, he's only there for comic relief. *Points to the smoker on fire, who has just been put out by the fire brigade*.
Dragon: right so. *Shoots a burst of flame, igniting him again, then chases after him*
Smoker: this isn't funny you know. *Runs off screaming*
Nuckpang: sure it is. Right, *gestures to obi-wan* back to you guys *walks off*.
Luke: *Waking up* Ben, Ben kenobi? Boy am I glad to see you.
Obi-wan: Luke, while in my presence, never say "boy am I..." again, or gee-wizz, or yippee. If you do I shall have to kill you.
Luke: Why?
Obi-wan: it brings back bad memories. *Flashback to several scenes of the phantom menace with Anikin Skywalker saying gee-wizz and Yippee* my god, that was bad acting. Sorry, any way. Don't do it again.
Luke: Sure, ok.
Obi-wan: anyway, wanna come back to my place for tea and crumpets?
Luke: Wow, crumpets.
Back at Uncle Owens house, a troop of storm troopers has just arrived.
Uncle Owen: hello, can I help you?
Stormtrooper1: yes, we've actually been sent here to kill you.
Uncle Owen: BERU! *She walks up to him* these men have been sent here to kill us.
Aunt Beru: aw, isn't that nice? Would you like a cup of tea before we start?
Stormtrooper: well actually I wouldn't mind a cu...*gtes nudged in the ribs*...I mean no. we're sort of on a tight schedule, so I'm afraid I'll just have to kill you now. *aims his gun and shoots*
Uncle Owen: well that's a shame. *as the laser bolt approaches he leans back in an impressive matrix style and dodges it.*
Aunt Beru then leaps into the air, stops poses in the matrix kick style, the camera circles for a time, then she kicks the storm trooper in the head. Back to Luke, he hears battle sounds in the distance.
Luke: uncle Owen, aunt Beru, they need my help. *he leaps into his speeder and zooms off.*
Back at the house two storm troopers are dead, and the rest are running for their lives. Owen and Beru are standing there waving them. in the distance they see Luke coming.
Uncle Owen: hey, I've got a great idea, lets hide and pretend that we've been brutally murdered.
Aunt Beru: yeah, we can burn these two storm troopers and leave their smouldering remains here, and he'll think we're dead. Hehehe, I'm so smart.
Luke pulls up to the house, gets out, and starts to cry.
Luke: oh my dear aunt... you owed me money. BITCH!!! *storms back to the sand speeder, jumps in and zooms away*
Owens voice from behind the house: hahaha, we fooled you Luke, you thought we were dead and...*walks out*...oh, where'd he go?
Aunt Beru: don't worry, he'll be back for dinner.
Some where in the desert the Jawas sandcrawler lumbers on.
Storm trooper1: *jumping out from behind a rock* halt!
The sand crawler halts...but just a couple of seconds to late.
Stormtrooper1: *from underneath the wheels* ow.
Stormtrooper2: hello, we have been instructed to kill you. For no particular reason.
Hundreds of Jawas charge out of the sand crawler.
Jawa: Hussein (gettem lads!)
The Jawas all jump on each other's shoulders, forming one BIG ASS JAWA.
Storm trooper: this just isn't my day.
Luke has just arrived back to obi-wan.
Obi-wan: there was nothing you could have done had yo...
Screams reach them from afar. (Afar, impressive word usage eh?)
Luke: oh for god's sake. *They all jump into the speeder*.
They arrive on the battle scene, slaughtered stormtroopers lie everywhere.
Luke: wow, it looks like the sand people did this, but if never heard of them...*looks* completely flattening someone before. I mean. Look at this guy, a bloody pancake.
Obi-wan: no, only Jawas are this...messy. Look *points a twitching storm trooper* maybe he can tell us what happened.
Storm trooper: no, sorry. I'm not even going to live long enough to finish this sentanc... *dies*.
Obi-wan: oh well, back to my place for tea and crumpets.
Back at his place.
Luke: what do you mean your out of crumpets?
Obi-wan: well I'm sorry, but I had the all mighty Sarlac around yesterday, and right now all my crumpets are slowly being dissolved over 1000 years.
Luke: huh! Well I'm sorry, but I just won't stay in house that I was lured into by lies. Goodbye. *stomps out*
Obi-wan: yeah, well... FECK OFF!!! *picks up the light saber and hurls it out the door after him*
Luke: *from outside* ow for fuc...hey, this looks pretty cool.
Obi-wan: *turns to R2D2* any way, did you tape that thing for me, you know, the woman with the piece of string and the tortoise?
R2D2: bleep (sure did) *turns on his projector, Leia appears and does her little speech thing, then shuts down again*
Obi-wan: well, I have to say I am a little bit disappointed in the playboy channel.
Luke's voice from outside: hey, what's this button do? *We hear the light sabre start up.*
Obi-wan: I mean, I didn't even see a turtle, never mind a tortoise.
Luke's voice from outside: wow, shiny.
Obi-wan: and was wearing a couple more layers of clothes then they usually have on.
Luke's voice from outside: I wonder what the blade feels li... AARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH, SWEET SITH SPAWN, THE PAIN, THE PAIN.
Obi-wan: Maybe it's an invitation to some wild and crazy party. Oh well, only one way to find out. Luke, WE'RE GOING TO ALDERANN.
Luke: *walks in, his hand covered in a bloody bandage* okey dokey
Impressively deep voice: what wild and wacky adventures will Luke have on the way to Alderann? What new friends and allies will he pick up along the way? And will obi-wan stop off at the shops to buy more crumpets on the way there? Join us next chapter to find out this... and much more.
A/N- zanks to KP for proof reading.
Another A/N- review zis, review zis, review zis, review zis, review zis, review zis, NOW...please, if it's not too much trouble, und even if it is. Zank u - Nuckpang.
C3PO And R2D2 are in the desert walking away form the escape pod.
R2D2: *Shocked* beep (so, we could get the playboy channel)
C3PO: Yes, who knew women could do THAT?
R2D2: Beep (yeah, and that thing with the tortoise and the piece of string...wow)
C3PO: *Realising where he is* what a desolate place this is.
R2D2: Beep (could be worse, we could be over there. *points to a group of cannibals boiling droids in a big pot*)
C3PO: Good point.
R2D2: Beep (no, not the cannibals, beside them. *Points to the right of the cannibals where a very old and boring teacher is slowly teaching his class algebra. *)
C3PO: *Runs away screaming* aggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
R2D2: Beep (yeah, thought so.)
C3PO: I just can't go on, my joints have frozen up.
R2D2: Bleep (well, you are standing in the middle of a dessert.)
C3PO: Don't you mean a desert?
R2D2: Beep (no, look down)
C3PO: *Looks down, he is standing in a bowl of jelly and ice cream* oh, right then.
R2D2: Beep (well, I'm off. *Starts to trundle away*)
C3PO: What? Where are you going? What makes you think there are settlements in that direction?
R2D2: Beep (I got a map)
C3PO: Oh, and where are you going?
R2D2: Beep (I'm goin ta Vegas)
C3PO: Well I'm not going that way, it's much too rocky.
R2D2: Bleep (sissy)
C3PO: I am not, I'm just prissy.
R2D2: Bleepy beep (that's not even a word)
C3PO: Yes it is, it never showed up on spellchecker.
R2D2: Beep (damn, you got me there. Oh well, bye.)
C3PO: Wait, you can't just leave me here on my own...
R2D2: Beep (oh sure I can)
C3PO: Fine then, you go, go to Vegas, leave me here...on my own...*starts to sob*...with on one to talk to, me, all vulnerable and alone...
R2D2: Beep (yeah, that's the plan)
C3PO: *runs off crying hysterically*
R2D2: Beep (*looks at him run for a while* bye now)
Somewhere in the desert C3PO has calmed down.
C3PO: *Mumbles* fucken little droid...he tricked me into going this way, but he'll do no better.
In Vegas R2D2 is strolling down the street surrounded by beautiful scantily clad women and has a huge bowl of gambling chips on his head.
R2D2: Beep (hehehe, I tricked him into going that way)
Back to C3PO.
C3PO: *looks up* a transport, I'm saved. OVER HERE!!! OVER HERE!!! *the sand crawler turns and comes towards him* ha, I'll show that little crome dome bitch who's best. *the sand crawler is getting close*. Err... shouldn't you be stopping now? Hello? HELLO? *he turns and starts to run as fast as his little droid legs can carry him, bout 2 miles an hour* ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH *gets crushed by the sand crawler*
voice from inside crawler: chuck chuck naboo?(you hear something?)
other voice: ning nong (nope!)
back in Vegas R2D2 is walking along the street. A jawa jumps out of a dark ally way.
Jawa: BOO!
R2D2: EEK(oh dear, I do belive I am about to have a cardiac arrest *has a heart attack and keels over* yep, cardiac arrest)
Jawa: hotini chuckningnucknang (MA, it happened again)
Mother: chuck chuck frang (oh no, not again. What have I told you about this?)
Jawa: ching chong chang (*looking at the ground and shuffling his feet* sorry ma, won't do it again ma)
Mother: chuck nuck chuck pang (good. Well come on then, lets get him into the crawler)
Jawa: hutini? (er... ma, how did we get a sand crawler into the middle of Las Vegas?)
Mother: hungtoni (don't ask stupid questions)
Inside the sand crawler R2D2 is lying in a pile of rubbish.
R2D2: beep (oh god, my head. What did I drink and how many times did I drink it? And whose bed am I in? *looks to his right and sees C3PO lying beside him* OH SWEET SITH SPAWN, NO!!!!!! Wait, maybe I can still sneak away quietly...
C3PO: *wakes up* R2 is that you?
R2D2: bleep (what, no, I'm ...R2...D3. Now listen, whatever happened last night was a mistake, I know I had a lot to drink an...)
C3PO: R2D2 IS YOU, IT IS YOU.
R2D2: BEEP (NO IT ISN'T, NO IT ISN'T...)
outside the sand crawler two Jawas are talking.
Voice from inside: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!)
Back at the escape pod the storm troopers are investigating the site.
Stormtrooper1: yep, that's defiantly an escape pod.
Stormtrooper2: yeah, that's what that is.
Stormtrooper3: there can be no doubt that is what that is.
Stormtrooper4: absolutely...unless it's a supply pod.
Stormtrooper1: ye...what?
Stormtrooper4: well, it could be a supply pod.
Stormtrooper1: oh yeah, it could be a supply pod. BUT it is much more likely that it is an escape pod.
Stormtrooper4: well I don't know, I'd rather a supply pod then an escape pod in a place like this.
Stormtrooper1: wha...yeah well obviously, but still...
Stormtrooper5: it could be some sort of tent.
Stormtrooper3: or a really small house.
Stormtrooper2: it could be a prop from an earlier sci-fi film.
Stormtrooper6: it could be a giant eyeball
Stormtrooper1: yeah it could be...WHAT???
Everyone turns to stare at stormtrooper6.
Stormtrooper6: what? It could be!
Stormtrooper1: how many things do you know that have eyeballs that big?
Stormtrooper6: well...him for one. *points to a giant Cyclops standing in the dessert*
Cyclops: *from off screen* bloody ice cream!
Stormtrooper1: yeah, well he has his, doesn't he?
Cyclops: now where did I put that bloody eye? *starts to pat his pockets* I know I had it here just a second ago.
Nuckpang runs in. (that is, me. You know, the guy writing this? The one making you roll around on the floor, crying...wait, you are crying because it's funny aren't you? WHAT??? Asshole. I have a lot of better things I could be doing you know, I have a maths project due in tomorrow, I could be doing that, *starts to sob* but no...I give you my free time, I sacrifice so much just to give you a giggle, *starts to cry* just to make you smile... aaaaaaghhhhaha *recovers*. Oh well...)
Nuckpang: no, no, no. this will not do. Cyclops's are fantasy creatures, they do not exist in the star wars universe.
Stormtrooper1: you wanna tell HIM that?
Nuckpang: fine then, I will. *to Cyclops* HEY! YOU! YOU DON'T EXIST!
Cyclops: what? Piss off. *kicks Nuckpang and sends him flying off over the horizon*
Nuckpang: *flying through the air* you'lll regret thaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttt.
Cyclops: huhuhu, he stopid.
Nuckpangs voice coming down from the clouds: you're messing with the wrong author.
A shadow appears on the Cyclopes head and starts to get bigger.
Cyclops: *Looks up* eep.
Darth Vader's star destroyer lands on his head.
Nuckpang: ha, showed you.
Vader's voice from inside the star destroyer: awight, how got the diwections wong AGAIN???
Stormtrooper3: look sir, droids. *Points to IG88 and 4LOM standing in the middle of the desert, 4LOM waves*
Stormtrooper1: er...I think we'll just leave them.
Back to the sand crawler, which has just pulled up to Luke's house.
R2D2: Bleep (you still have your foot in that jelly and ice cream, you know.)
C3PO: I like it there.
R2D2: Beep (your weird)
C3PO: Piss off.
A Jawa walks in and gestures with his gun for them to get out.
C3PO: oh, don't shoot.
Jawa: hutini (it's taking all my will power)
Luke is running across the desert, his golden hair flowing in the breeze, his beautiful manly body, perfectly toned, *starts to drool* so muscular, so sexy...er, what I mean is...erm... hey, look over there! *Points, then runs off*. SUCKERS
*Walks back, escorted by a pair of muscled bodyguards* I have just been informed that I can't actually run off, seeing as I have to stay here and narrate the story.
Aunt beru: *from inside the hole* LUKE, if uncle gets a translator make sure it speaks batchi.
Luke: Doesn't look like we have much of choice, but I'll remind him.
Aunt beru: oh, one more thing, I seemed to have dropped this tool, could you come down here and pick it up for me?
Luke: Sure. *Climbs down, bends over and picks up the tool*
Aunt beru: *from a specially selected position behind him* what a great ass.
Luke: What?
Aunt beru: Opps, er, I meant, your uncle. Look at him going making an ass of himself in front of those Jawas, big stupid...ass. Yeah, I covered that up pretty well. Anyway, go on, get up there and help him.
Luke: Sure.
Back at the sand crawler.
Uncle Owen: yeah, I'll take the red one. No, not the blue, he's ugly. *To C3PO* You, I suppose your programmed for edict and protocol.
C3PO: Nope.
Uncle Owen: I have no use fo... what?
C3PO: No, I'm not.
Uncle Owen: really? Oh, all right then. I'll take him too.
C3PO: Hehehe
Uncle Owen: hey, sweet-cheeks. Get over here.
Luke: Why do you keep calling me that?
Uncle Owen: what? Oh shit... er... no reason.
Jawa: cuck nuck (by the way, several members of my crew were wondering if Luke was seeing anybody *points to a group of Jawas standing off to one side, shuffleing their feet shyly. One waves*)
Luke: *waves back, in a slightly different way* ah, ain't that nice?
Uncle Owen: YES, he's seeing some one.
Luke: Yep, I can see all of you, I can see the droids, I can see aunt beru, oh dear she seems to have dropped something else. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE! *Runs off*
Jawa: he doesn't have a clue, does he?
Uncle Owen: no, not a clue.
Luke: *Runs back over* sorry, aunt beru dropped a screwdriver down a drain, I had to bend over really far to get. *Whispers to Uncle Owen* By the way, I think she might have a bit of a problem with her mouth, coz when I turned around, she was drooling really badly.
Uncle Owen: I wouldn't worry about that, just take these two over to the garage and clean them up.
Luke: Sure.
Uncle Owen: what? Are you sure you don't want to anchorhead with your friends?
Luke: No, last time I went there we were mugged by that huge mob. Remember? They all kept thinking that my wallet was in my back pocket, and kept trying to grab it really hard?
Uncle Owen: oh yeah, all right then. Off you go.
Luke: Come on you, and you too red.
The red R2 unit starts to walk up to him. He passes R2D2 on the way to Luke. As he does a panel in R2D2 flicks open, a taser comes out and electrocutes the red droid. It's head explodes.
Luke: Aww, Uncle Owen, this R2 unit has a busted motivator.
R2D2: bleep (*sniggers* hehehe)
C3PO: *Taps Luke on the shoulder* excuse me sir, but that R2 unit is in prime condition. * Points to a green unit beside R2D2*
Luke: what? That blue one?
C3PO: NO, I've worked with him before, he's useless. The o...
Luke: HEY, UNCLE OWEN? WHAT ABOUT THAT BLUE ONE?
C3PO: nononononononononononononononononononononono, don't pick him, what ever you do don't pick hi...* R2D2 trundles up to them* R2D2, how good to see you, do you have any idea how hard I had to work to get you picked? You'd just better be grateful.
In Luke's garage.
Luke: You know Biggs is right...*looking in a mirror* I do need a haircut.
C3PO: Oh I don't know, I think it makes you look quite sexy.
Luke: What?
C3PO: Er...*draws a x on the wall* look, see X see?
Luke: Oh yeah, I do. Nice X.
C3PO: Oh thank the maker, this oil bath is going to feel so good.
Luke: *Looks up confused* we don't have an oil bath. We have got a huge vat of sulphuric acid though.
C3PO: *Looks down at his legs* oh shit.
Luke: And one full of petrol. Er, by the way, why do you have your foot stuck in a bowl of ice cream?
C3PO: It's a fashion accessory.
Luke: oh right. Looks goo...
The smoker from chapter1 runs in, still on fire.
Smoker: ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!! Putitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitoutputitout!!?!!!!
*Spots a tub of water* I'm saved!!!! *Dives in*
Luke: er... that's not water, it's petrol.
Uncle Owen is still talking to the Jawa.
Uncle Owen: see the game last night?
In the background the garage explodes.
Luke runs out, smouldering, with his clothes in tatters (several Jawas jump up with cameras in their hands).
Luke: It's all right, I'm ok. I'll just use the other garage.
In the other garage.
Luke: Hmm my little friend...
R2D2: Beep (I'm not your friend)
Luke: ...Looks like you got a lot of carbon scoring.
R2D2: Bleep (hey, wanna see something I taped off our shuttle ride? *starts up his holoprojector, Leia appears*.)
Leia: help me obi-wan kenobi, you're my only hope.
R2D2: Bleep beep (shit, wrong thing.)
Luke: Wow, who is she? She's beautiful.
C3PO: I'm not sure sir, I think she was a passenger on our last voyage. I can't really remember, *glares at R2D2* I especially can't remember anything about this little prick being given her fucken underwear.
R2D2: Bleep (*sniggers* hehehe)
Luke: Playback the rest of the message.
R2D2: Beep (no, I don't wanna)
C3PO: He says his restraining bolt has short-circuited it, maybe if you remove your clothes, damnit, I mean the bolt, he might be able to playback the message.
R2D2: Beep (I didn't say that.)
Luke: Well, I guess you're too small to run away on me if I take this off.
R2D2: Beep (ha, gonna prove your ass wrong)
Aunt beru: LUKE, COME FOR YOUR DINNER. I MADE YOUR FAVORATE, BUT THEN I DROPPED IT, COULD YOU COME AND PICK IT UP?
Luke: COMING! *Runs off*
C3PO: Just you reconsider playing that message for him.
R2D2: Bleep (ok...I've reconsidered it. NO)
C3PO: I don't think he likes you at all, and I don't like you either.
R2D2: Beep (wo-whooooooooo, yesyesyesyesyesyesyes, YES. I am so good).
At the dinner table.
Luke: You know I think those two droids might be stolen.
Aunt Beru: WHAT??? WHO TOLD YOU? All right, listen, I was walking along the street, and they were just standing there, I thought, "well aren't we looking for a new pair of garbage droids?" I swear, If you rat us out to the cops I'll gut you like a fish. Don't worry, don't panic, we can still get rid of the evidence. *Runs out*.
Luke: I meant the blue and the golden ones.
Uncle Owen: What makes you think that son?
Luke: I stumbled across an old recording while I was cleaning him.
Uncle Owen: Oh, he showed you the one he taped off the shuttle trip as well? Wow, I mean, just with a tortoise and a piece of string...
Luke: no, I meant the one about obi-wan kenobi.
Uncle Owen: Ben kenobi? He's just a crazy old man.
Luke: No, obi-wan, not Ben. *Slowly* Obi-waaaaan.
Uncle Owen: No, they're the same man. Obi-wan was your father's teacher when he was a Jedi knight.
Luke: What? A Jedi knight? My father wasn't a Jedi, he ran a spice freighter.
Uncle Owen: No Luke, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, your father was a Jedi knight, who joined the dark side and hunted down and killed the remainder of the Jedi, plunging the universe into a time of evil and darkne...I mean, yes, yes he was a spice guy. Who ran a spice... thing? With spice n stuff. Yeah, I didn't just blow that bigtime.
Luke: *In dreamy awe* yeah, a spice freighter. Wow
Aunt Beru: *runs back in, a droids arm in one hand, a sledgehammer in the other* well, that's all sorted out.
Back in the garage, Luke walks in. C3PO is sitting behind a pile of rubbish, a "playdroid" magazine in his hand.
Luke: Now where could he be? *Presses a button*
C3PO: *Jumps up involuntarily, dropping the magazine as he does so* oh shit.
Luke: What are you doing back there?
C3PO: Feck, er nothing. Em, *mumbles* need to draw attention away from dirty self. Er... *loudly* I tried to stop him, but he's faulty, malfunctioning, he kept babbling on about his mission.
Luke: Oh, no, R2D2's run away.
R2D2: *From behind a pile of boxes* bleep (no I haven't.)
Luke: *Runs outside*
R2D2: *Trundles out from behind corner* bleep (what's up with him? Hey, playdroid!)
Luke: *From outside* damnit, he's no where to be seen. I'll have to go after him in the morning.
R2D2: Bleep (I haven't run away, I'm right here. Good idea though, thanks. *Rolls out the back door*)
Luke Appears in the doorway, R2D2 is getting away in the background.
Luke: Damn, I can't find him anywhere. He's going to get me in a lot of trouble.
C3PO: Yeah, I know the feeling.
It's morning. In the desert Luke is flying across the sand in his speeder.
Luke: There's a droid on the scanner, it might be our R2. *stops, IG88 is standing there, surrounded by massacred stormtroopers.* hmm, maybe not. *speeds off, then pulls up beside R2D2.* hey, where do you think your going?
R2D2: Over there *an arm extends and points to a sign*.
Sign: make-out point
Luke: well sorry, but you have to come home.
R2D2: bleep (but there are several life signs up there)
Luke: sand people, or worse. Come on. *Grabs a of binoculars and looks up* well I can see a couple of banthas up there, but no sand peo...wait, I can see two n...wow...I didn't know they could do that, I mean, just a tortoise and a piece of string...wow.
Sandperson: *jumps up in front of Luke* hoarrrrrrr ( peeping tom eh? I'll show you what we do to your sort round ere mate)
He knocks Luke senseless. Then he looks around, and spots C3PO with a camera in his hand.
C3PO: Er... hi. This camera? This isn't my camera! It's...erm...I'm just photographing the beautiful wildlif...
Back to R2D2. C3PO's screams eventually die down, and two sand people appear carrying Luke. They walk over to the speeder, and start to search it.
Sandperson1: horrrr haoo (there has to be some decent porno in here, you saw those two, dirty bastards the both of them).
Suddenly something roars and an old man in a big brown cowl stumbles down the slope.
Sandperson: harharhor (oh no, an old defenceless man) *they run off*
Obi-wan: help, I'm being chased by some bloody huge dragon!!! *the roar sounds again* HELLLLLLLPP!!!
The dragon lumbers over the ridge, catches up with obi-wan and eats him.
Nuckpang runs in. (zats me again)
Nuckpang: *to dragon* no, no, no. Sorry, but you can't eat him. He's a central character, and I need him to continue the story, so spit him up, right now, NO, no excuses, just do it. *The dragon spits out obi-wan* there you go now. Anyway, if your hungry eat him, he's only there for comic relief. *Points to the smoker on fire, who has just been put out by the fire brigade*.
Dragon: right so. *Shoots a burst of flame, igniting him again, then chases after him*
Smoker: this isn't funny you know. *Runs off screaming*
Nuckpang: sure it is. Right, *gestures to obi-wan* back to you guys *walks off*.
Luke: *Waking up* Ben, Ben kenobi? Boy am I glad to see you.
Obi-wan: Luke, while in my presence, never say "boy am I..." again, or gee-wizz, or yippee. If you do I shall have to kill you.
Luke: Why?
Obi-wan: it brings back bad memories. *Flashback to several scenes of the phantom menace with Anikin Skywalker saying gee-wizz and Yippee* my god, that was bad acting. Sorry, any way. Don't do it again.
Luke: Sure, ok.
Obi-wan: anyway, wanna come back to my place for tea and crumpets?
Luke: Wow, crumpets.
Back at Uncle Owens house, a troop of storm troopers has just arrived.
Uncle Owen: hello, can I help you?
Stormtrooper1: yes, we've actually been sent here to kill you.
Uncle Owen: BERU! *She walks up to him* these men have been sent here to kill us.
Aunt Beru: aw, isn't that nice? Would you like a cup of tea before we start?
Stormtrooper: well actually I wouldn't mind a cu...*gtes nudged in the ribs*...I mean no. we're sort of on a tight schedule, so I'm afraid I'll just have to kill you now. *aims his gun and shoots*
Uncle Owen: well that's a shame. *as the laser bolt approaches he leans back in an impressive matrix style and dodges it.*
Aunt Beru then leaps into the air, stops poses in the matrix kick style, the camera circles for a time, then she kicks the storm trooper in the head. Back to Luke, he hears battle sounds in the distance.
Luke: uncle Owen, aunt Beru, they need my help. *he leaps into his speeder and zooms off.*
Back at the house two storm troopers are dead, and the rest are running for their lives. Owen and Beru are standing there waving them. in the distance they see Luke coming.
Uncle Owen: hey, I've got a great idea, lets hide and pretend that we've been brutally murdered.
Aunt Beru: yeah, we can burn these two storm troopers and leave their smouldering remains here, and he'll think we're dead. Hehehe, I'm so smart.
Luke pulls up to the house, gets out, and starts to cry.
Luke: oh my dear aunt... you owed me money. BITCH!!! *storms back to the sand speeder, jumps in and zooms away*
Owens voice from behind the house: hahaha, we fooled you Luke, you thought we were dead and...*walks out*...oh, where'd he go?
Aunt Beru: don't worry, he'll be back for dinner.
Some where in the desert the Jawas sandcrawler lumbers on.
Storm trooper1: *jumping out from behind a rock* halt!
The sand crawler halts...but just a couple of seconds to late.
Stormtrooper1: *from underneath the wheels* ow.
Stormtrooper2: hello, we have been instructed to kill you. For no particular reason.
Hundreds of Jawas charge out of the sand crawler.
Jawa: Hussein (gettem lads!)
The Jawas all jump on each other's shoulders, forming one BIG ASS JAWA.
Storm trooper: this just isn't my day.
Luke has just arrived back to obi-wan.
Obi-wan: there was nothing you could have done had yo...
Screams reach them from afar. (Afar, impressive word usage eh?)
Luke: oh for god's sake. *They all jump into the speeder*.
They arrive on the battle scene, slaughtered stormtroopers lie everywhere.
Luke: wow, it looks like the sand people did this, but if never heard of them...*looks* completely flattening someone before. I mean. Look at this guy, a bloody pancake.
Obi-wan: no, only Jawas are this...messy. Look *points a twitching storm trooper* maybe he can tell us what happened.
Storm trooper: no, sorry. I'm not even going to live long enough to finish this sentanc... *dies*.
Obi-wan: oh well, back to my place for tea and crumpets.
Back at his place.
Luke: what do you mean your out of crumpets?
Obi-wan: well I'm sorry, but I had the all mighty Sarlac around yesterday, and right now all my crumpets are slowly being dissolved over 1000 years.
Luke: huh! Well I'm sorry, but I just won't stay in house that I was lured into by lies. Goodbye. *stomps out*
Obi-wan: yeah, well... FECK OFF!!! *picks up the light saber and hurls it out the door after him*
Luke: *from outside* ow for fuc...hey, this looks pretty cool.
Obi-wan: *turns to R2D2* any way, did you tape that thing for me, you know, the woman with the piece of string and the tortoise?
R2D2: bleep (sure did) *turns on his projector, Leia appears and does her little speech thing, then shuts down again*
Obi-wan: well, I have to say I am a little bit disappointed in the playboy channel.
Luke's voice from outside: hey, what's this button do? *We hear the light sabre start up.*
Obi-wan: I mean, I didn't even see a turtle, never mind a tortoise.
Luke's voice from outside: wow, shiny.
Obi-wan: and was wearing a couple more layers of clothes then they usually have on.
Luke's voice from outside: I wonder what the blade feels li... AARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH, SWEET SITH SPAWN, THE PAIN, THE PAIN.
Obi-wan: Maybe it's an invitation to some wild and crazy party. Oh well, only one way to find out. Luke, WE'RE GOING TO ALDERANN.
Luke: *walks in, his hand covered in a bloody bandage* okey dokey
Impressively deep voice: what wild and wacky adventures will Luke have on the way to Alderann? What new friends and allies will he pick up along the way? And will obi-wan stop off at the shops to buy more crumpets on the way there? Join us next chapter to find out this... and much more.
A/N- zanks to KP for proof reading.
Another A/N- review zis, review zis, review zis, review zis, review zis, review zis, NOW...please, if it's not too much trouble, und even if it is. Zank u - Nuckpang.