Zig heilo, zis is chapter 3 (I zink, hang on…1+2…carry ze seven…divide by
ze 20… yep, chapter 3) and if you haven't already got ze message REVIEW
THIS OR DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH…ahem. If you like zis stuff tell me, review
it, email me, whatever. Anyvay, zats enough pointless waffle from me (err,
can you ever have enough pointless waffle? I zink not), on vit ze show...
In the meeting room the Moffs are sitting around a table. One of them is keeping a lookout at the door.
Moff1: *very gay voice* ok guys, today we're going to continue our flower arranging, so if you just take out your vases and get a handful of lilacs we'll get starte-
Lookout: quick, he's coming!
They all hurriedly put the flowers away under the table, put on deep manly voices and start chanting "crush the rebel alliance" as Vader sweeps in dramatically.
Vader: Exxxxxxxewent, that's what I wike to heawr. *sits down, crushing something.* what the fuck? *he jumps up again revealing a smashed vase and flowers*
Moff3: *gay voice* oh, my poppies.
Vader: what a mess *he reaches up to his helmet and flicks a switch. The mouthpiece extends to form a vacuum cord, and he proceeds to clean up the mess* that's bettew, now, down to business.
Moff1: Hey, you captured the princess didn't you? I hear she's great in bed.
Vader: Yes, she i…I mean…I wouldn't know. It's not like she'll do anything for money, and I do mean ANYTHING, she can do this great little dance…*trails off* so I hear anyway.
Moff3: The senate will not stand for this… she usually dances for them on Wednesdays.
Grand Moff Tarkin: That will no longer be a problem, I have just received word that the emperor has dissolved the senate.
We see Palpatine sitting beside a big vat of acid, several members of the senate are dissolving inside.
Bail Antillies: your taking this a bit to seriously.
Palpatine: right, that's it, your next!
Bail Antillies: damn!
The imperial guards pick him up and put him in a seat over the vat. Beside the seat is a target, like the ones at the carnival. The guards run over excitedly to a bucket of balls. They start throwing them at the target.
Guard1: *throws and misses* oh, so close.
Gaurd2: *throws and hits* YES
Bail Antilles: *falls into the acid* oh fu- glug (ck)
Bells ring, lights flare, balloons fall from the ceiling and a man comes out and hands the guard a big pink teddy bear.
Palpatine: back to you.
A man appears at a newsreaders desk.
Newsreader: thanks, that was the sports news and we can see that the empire is clearly ahead, will that change? Only time will tell…or Vader, he could tell us either.
Vader: I just can't see that happening.
Newsreader: thank you, and now the weather.
A weatherman appears in front of a map of Tattoine. It is covered in sun symbols.
Weatherman: Well the weather is much the same as it has been…FOR THE LAST 50 YEARS!!! It's hot today, it was hot yesterday, and it'll still be fucken hot tomorrow!!! Honestly, is this a joke? Why do you waste my time like this? *Stomps away mumbling* [off screen] fucken pricks…fucken joke of a station…haven't changed the fucken symbols on the fucken map in the last fucken 40 years…hasn't rained for the last 60… *we hear a door slam as he walks outside, thunder rolls…*………………….YOU UTTER BASTERDS.
Voice of god: hehehe.
Newsreader: err...ok, and to recap today's main story, heerrrrreeeee's Johnny.
Johnny: why do people keep saying that? *he's standing beside Boba Fett* anyway, Mr. Fett, you've suffered a great loss, could you tell us what happened?
Fett: well, I was just doing my shopping, and I tied him up outside the door, and when I came out, *sobs* he was gone…
Johnny: and could you describe your stolen puppy?
Fett: well…he's a cute little thing, with a brown coat…*starts to sob*…and a little white patch on his nose…and…and…a big pink ribbon with "Mr. Fluffy written on it. *starts to cry hysterically*
Back at the news desk
Newsreader: and that's all from us, back to your scheduled programming.
Back at the meeting Vader and the Moffs are staring blankly at the newsreader.
Vader: What the hewll was that?
Newsreader: *cleaning up some papers on the desk* hmm? Err…That was the news… you really need to pay more attention to what's going on around you. Well, go on, continue!
Vader: oookkkkkaaayyyy, who's lwine was it?
Moff3: I think it was my bit, *to Grand Moff Tarkin* I've analysed their attack and there is a danger…
Vader: no, we hadn't got thewe yet.
Moff2: *gay voice* were we doing our poppies?
Vader: what?
Moff5: oh to hell with it, hey Vader isn't our pwanet bwoer uppew (planet blower upper, just so you know) so great?
Vader: the fowce is bettew, the force would kick your pwanet bwoer uppew's ass.
Moff5: your whatnow?
Vader: you shall pay fowr youwr ignowance *does the force choke handy…thing*
Moff5: *looks at him blankly*
Moff4: *elbows him in the ribs and whispers* he thinks he can choke you, it's best just to play along…
Moff5: oh, right. Thanks. *Makes a bad attempt at pretending to be choked* oh no… I am choking…ugh *collapses*.
Vader: hehehe, showed your ass
Moff5: *sits up* am I? *checks to see if his ass is showing, then looks at Vader* I mean, ugh *collapses again*
Smoker on fire (from chap1): *runs through, still on fire and still being chased by the dragon* AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHPUTMEOUTPUTMEOUTPUTMEOUTPUTMEOUTPUTMEOUTPUTMEO UT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moff2: I wish I had more lines in this fick.
Moff1: yeah, well you don't! neh neh neh nehneh neh! I have the lead role in this scene!
Moff2: your mama!
Moff1: your mama!!!
Vader: stop! This bikerwing is pointless!
Moff1: YOUR mama
Vader: WHAT? NOW YOU DIE! *dives at Moff1*
Moff5: can I get up now? I'm in a really uncomfortable position!
Moff4: Ssssssh!
Vader: I chawange you to a deuwl!
Moff1: en guard!
They adopt a fencing stance and both raise their weapons, a pair of fish. They start to fight, using the fish as swords.
Vader: the cirwcle is complete…
Moff3: wrong page!
Vader: *Picks up a script* weally?…whewe was I?…challenge to deuwl…AHA got it…
Moff1: shut up! *hits him over the head with the fish.*
Vader: I will kill you until you die fwom it.
Moff1: your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberry.
Vader: I farwt in your generwal direction.
Moff1: I wave my private parts at your antie.
Vader: yeah, well…you'wre an asshole. *lunges and stabs him with the fish*
Moff1: gasp! I am wounded! *Falls to the ground* Moff3, come to me.
Moff3: *walks over and knells beside him* yes?
Moff1: come closer, I can't see, it's getting dark.
Moff3: *to Moff4* hey, turn those lights back up.
Moff4: *he is standing by the light switch, and was slowly dimming the room, he turns them back up* sorry, I thought it suited the mood.
Moff1: tell ma I won't be home for dinner, tell little Timmy that I've gone to live in Alabama, and tell billy that I slept with his girlfriend…that'll piss him off. *Dies*
All the Moffs start to sob, and wipe the tears away from their eyes.
Vader: Oh well, you live by the fish, you die by the fish.
Moff2: too true.
Vader: Anyway, I'm off to find the location of the hidden rebel base *walks out*
He marches up a corridor to the princess's cell and walks in. Leia is lying on her bed.
Vader: And now princess we shall discuss the wocation of your webel base.
He stands aside and an interrogation droid hovers in, it is holding a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates.
Vader: *drops to his knees and starts pleading* pwleaseplweaspwleasssssssee tell me where the base is.
Leia: er…no.
Vader: damnit. *he walks out.*
Vader walks up to Grand Moff Tarkin.
Vader: well that didn't worwk
Tarkin: maybe she would respond better to a different sort of persuasion.
Vader: what do you mean?
Back in Leia's cell screens suddenly descend from the ceiling to cover all the walls.
Voice: and now for a special showing of George Lucas's film…Howard the duck.
(After five minutes)
Leia: AAHHHHHHH, datoine, they're on datoine, now for the love of god let me out, stop please, have mercy, no more, no more *she starts to cry and sob* nooooooooooo.
vell zhat's all folks!, hope you enjoyed zat, chapter 4 should follow soon. Oh, und by ze way, if you don't review zis, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH!!! ( Bye now.
In the meeting room the Moffs are sitting around a table. One of them is keeping a lookout at the door.
Moff1: *very gay voice* ok guys, today we're going to continue our flower arranging, so if you just take out your vases and get a handful of lilacs we'll get starte-
Lookout: quick, he's coming!
They all hurriedly put the flowers away under the table, put on deep manly voices and start chanting "crush the rebel alliance" as Vader sweeps in dramatically.
Vader: Exxxxxxxewent, that's what I wike to heawr. *sits down, crushing something.* what the fuck? *he jumps up again revealing a smashed vase and flowers*
Moff3: *gay voice* oh, my poppies.
Vader: what a mess *he reaches up to his helmet and flicks a switch. The mouthpiece extends to form a vacuum cord, and he proceeds to clean up the mess* that's bettew, now, down to business.
Moff1: Hey, you captured the princess didn't you? I hear she's great in bed.
Vader: Yes, she i…I mean…I wouldn't know. It's not like she'll do anything for money, and I do mean ANYTHING, she can do this great little dance…*trails off* so I hear anyway.
Moff3: The senate will not stand for this… she usually dances for them on Wednesdays.
Grand Moff Tarkin: That will no longer be a problem, I have just received word that the emperor has dissolved the senate.
We see Palpatine sitting beside a big vat of acid, several members of the senate are dissolving inside.
Bail Antillies: your taking this a bit to seriously.
Palpatine: right, that's it, your next!
Bail Antillies: damn!
The imperial guards pick him up and put him in a seat over the vat. Beside the seat is a target, like the ones at the carnival. The guards run over excitedly to a bucket of balls. They start throwing them at the target.
Guard1: *throws and misses* oh, so close.
Gaurd2: *throws and hits* YES
Bail Antilles: *falls into the acid* oh fu- glug (ck)
Bells ring, lights flare, balloons fall from the ceiling and a man comes out and hands the guard a big pink teddy bear.
Palpatine: back to you.
A man appears at a newsreaders desk.
Newsreader: thanks, that was the sports news and we can see that the empire is clearly ahead, will that change? Only time will tell…or Vader, he could tell us either.
Vader: I just can't see that happening.
Newsreader: thank you, and now the weather.
A weatherman appears in front of a map of Tattoine. It is covered in sun symbols.
Weatherman: Well the weather is much the same as it has been…FOR THE LAST 50 YEARS!!! It's hot today, it was hot yesterday, and it'll still be fucken hot tomorrow!!! Honestly, is this a joke? Why do you waste my time like this? *Stomps away mumbling* [off screen] fucken pricks…fucken joke of a station…haven't changed the fucken symbols on the fucken map in the last fucken 40 years…hasn't rained for the last 60… *we hear a door slam as he walks outside, thunder rolls…*………………….YOU UTTER BASTERDS.
Voice of god: hehehe.
Newsreader: err...ok, and to recap today's main story, heerrrrreeeee's Johnny.
Johnny: why do people keep saying that? *he's standing beside Boba Fett* anyway, Mr. Fett, you've suffered a great loss, could you tell us what happened?
Fett: well, I was just doing my shopping, and I tied him up outside the door, and when I came out, *sobs* he was gone…
Johnny: and could you describe your stolen puppy?
Fett: well…he's a cute little thing, with a brown coat…*starts to sob*…and a little white patch on his nose…and…and…a big pink ribbon with "Mr. Fluffy written on it. *starts to cry hysterically*
Back at the news desk
Newsreader: and that's all from us, back to your scheduled programming.
Back at the meeting Vader and the Moffs are staring blankly at the newsreader.
Vader: What the hewll was that?
Newsreader: *cleaning up some papers on the desk* hmm? Err…That was the news… you really need to pay more attention to what's going on around you. Well, go on, continue!
Vader: oookkkkkaaayyyy, who's lwine was it?
Moff3: I think it was my bit, *to Grand Moff Tarkin* I've analysed their attack and there is a danger…
Vader: no, we hadn't got thewe yet.
Moff2: *gay voice* were we doing our poppies?
Vader: what?
Moff5: oh to hell with it, hey Vader isn't our pwanet bwoer uppew (planet blower upper, just so you know) so great?
Vader: the fowce is bettew, the force would kick your pwanet bwoer uppew's ass.
Moff5: your whatnow?
Vader: you shall pay fowr youwr ignowance *does the force choke handy…thing*
Moff5: *looks at him blankly*
Moff4: *elbows him in the ribs and whispers* he thinks he can choke you, it's best just to play along…
Moff5: oh, right. Thanks. *Makes a bad attempt at pretending to be choked* oh no… I am choking…ugh *collapses*.
Vader: hehehe, showed your ass
Moff5: *sits up* am I? *checks to see if his ass is showing, then looks at Vader* I mean, ugh *collapses again*
Smoker on fire (from chap1): *runs through, still on fire and still being chased by the dragon* AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHPUTMEOUTPUTMEOUTPUTMEOUTPUTMEOUTPUTMEOUTPUTMEO UT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Moff2: I wish I had more lines in this fick.
Moff1: yeah, well you don't! neh neh neh nehneh neh! I have the lead role in this scene!
Moff2: your mama!
Moff1: your mama!!!
Vader: stop! This bikerwing is pointless!
Moff1: YOUR mama
Vader: WHAT? NOW YOU DIE! *dives at Moff1*
Moff5: can I get up now? I'm in a really uncomfortable position!
Moff4: Ssssssh!
Vader: I chawange you to a deuwl!
Moff1: en guard!
They adopt a fencing stance and both raise their weapons, a pair of fish. They start to fight, using the fish as swords.
Vader: the cirwcle is complete…
Moff3: wrong page!
Vader: *Picks up a script* weally?…whewe was I?…challenge to deuwl…AHA got it…
Moff1: shut up! *hits him over the head with the fish.*
Vader: I will kill you until you die fwom it.
Moff1: your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberry.
Vader: I farwt in your generwal direction.
Moff1: I wave my private parts at your antie.
Vader: yeah, well…you'wre an asshole. *lunges and stabs him with the fish*
Moff1: gasp! I am wounded! *Falls to the ground* Moff3, come to me.
Moff3: *walks over and knells beside him* yes?
Moff1: come closer, I can't see, it's getting dark.
Moff3: *to Moff4* hey, turn those lights back up.
Moff4: *he is standing by the light switch, and was slowly dimming the room, he turns them back up* sorry, I thought it suited the mood.
Moff1: tell ma I won't be home for dinner, tell little Timmy that I've gone to live in Alabama, and tell billy that I slept with his girlfriend…that'll piss him off. *Dies*
All the Moffs start to sob, and wipe the tears away from their eyes.
Vader: Oh well, you live by the fish, you die by the fish.
Moff2: too true.
Vader: Anyway, I'm off to find the location of the hidden rebel base *walks out*
He marches up a corridor to the princess's cell and walks in. Leia is lying on her bed.
Vader: And now princess we shall discuss the wocation of your webel base.
He stands aside and an interrogation droid hovers in, it is holding a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates.
Vader: *drops to his knees and starts pleading* pwleaseplweaspwleasssssssee tell me where the base is.
Leia: er…no.
Vader: damnit. *he walks out.*
Vader walks up to Grand Moff Tarkin.
Vader: well that didn't worwk
Tarkin: maybe she would respond better to a different sort of persuasion.
Vader: what do you mean?
Back in Leia's cell screens suddenly descend from the ceiling to cover all the walls.
Voice: and now for a special showing of George Lucas's film…Howard the duck.
(After five minutes)
Leia: AAHHHHHHH, datoine, they're on datoine, now for the love of god let me out, stop please, have mercy, no more, no more *she starts to cry and sob* nooooooooooo.
vell zhat's all folks!, hope you enjoyed zat, chapter 4 should follow soon. Oh, und by ze way, if you don't review zis, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND GUT YOU LIKE A FISH!!! ( Bye now.