And ze story goes on.and on.and on and on and on and on and on and on and
OH DEAR GOD WON'T THIS DAMNED THING EVER END!!!
Ahem, sorry, vhere vere ve? Erm.ah yes, zhose chappies had just gone into
hyperspace, so zhat means zis next scene is.
Alderann is floating in space. (It's just, you know, chillin', hangin', minding it's own business), then the planetblowerupper floats into view.big bully, taking up all of poor little Alderann's screen time.
Inside this so called "planetblowerupper" (if that IS its real name!)
Grand Moff Tarkin: *Standing with his hands clasped behind his back looking out of a window at Alderann (it's currently sulking because it didn't get it's big close up). * ..Space, the final frontier!
Com. officer: *head snaps up* Sir! Incoming lawsuit from Gene Roddenberry!
Grand Moff Tarkin: Uh oh! Oh well, at least we know where we'll be going with this baby once we're done here. *Eyes Roddenberrys house* hehehe.
Princess Leia: *Walks in, escorted by two guards* Grand Moff Tarkin, I should have known I'd find you holding Vader's leash, I smelled your foul stench when I came on board.
One of the guards: Er, actually no, that was me, sorry. *Receiving nasty looks from his companion* what?!? Chips have that effect on me!
Grand Moff Tarkin: Oh shut up you blithering idiot!
The guard: What! I may be an idiot, but I never blither!...I just never could get the footwork going right, you know, there's that bit when your right foot goes like this, and then the left crosses over and-
Grand Moff Tarkin: What are you talking about?
The guard: Blithering, you know, that dance when your right foot goes like- ARRRGGHHH!
Other guard: Goes like argh?
Grand Moff Tarkin: *Holding a smoking gun and looking at the large hole which has suddenly appeared in the guards chest with a vague interest* hm? Argh? I don't know. *Pokes the corpse with his foot*.strange man.anywho, Princess Leia, if you don't tell us where the rebel base is I'll blow up your home planet of Alderann.
Princess Leia: Eh? I've already told you where they are. remember?
Grand Moff Tarkin: Really? When?
Princess Leia: I think it was in chapter 3 or 4.
Grand Moff Tarkin: Really? *Runs over to a conveniently placed computer and presses the back button a few times* Oh, so you did, sorry, my mistake. *Looks back at the computer screen* oh, Nuckpang and kid phoenix have a co- written story up, looks good. But anyway, Dantooine, okey dokey, *to crewmembers* right lads, on to Dantooine, AND GLORY!!!!
Crewmember: I didn't know Glory was anywhere near Dantooine, I thought it was over near Corrilia.
Grand Moff Tarkin: .what the hell are you talking about?
Crewmember: you know, the planet, Glory.
Grand Moff Tarkin: *to Nuckpang* Oh come on, you can't go around making up planets just to suit your jokes!
Nuckpang: *voice from above* vell vhy not?
Grand Moff Tarkin: Because you just can't go around adding bits into George Lucas's world.and I'm fairly sure you made up that blithering dance as well.
Nuckpang: No comment.
Grand Moff Tarkin: YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE STUFF UP!!!
Nuckpang: ....I really should have explained zhis to all ze characters before I started ze story. For you see, I am (more or less) god here, and I don't ask for any prayers or anyzhing, but, I am all mighty and all- powerful, so, zhat means zhat I can do stuff like zhis, for no reason vhatsoever. *A grand piano appears over Grand Moff Tarkin's head, it's hovering....wait! Now it ain't. *
Grand Moff Tarkin: *From under the wreakage* ow....okay, I see your point.
Nuckpang: good, now, lets continue, shall ve?
Grand Moff Tarkin: *The piano disappears, though the crumpled body remains lying on the floor* urrrrrggggg *gets up slowly and painfully* oucha magoucha! *kid Phoenix: My bit! You stole my bit!* Okay then, where were we?
Crew member: Something about Glory, they do gorgeous pizza's there, you know.
Grand Moff Tarkin: Okay, first to Dantooine, then ON TO GLORY!!!! .And their pizzas.
Crew member: But what about Alderann?
Grand Moff Tarkin: Oh we know where the base is, there's no need to destroy it.
Crew member: Okay sir, if you say so, setting course for Dantooine.
Grand Moff Tarkin: Good. *turns back to look out the window*
Meanwhile, down on the planet, in a pitch dark storage room in the secret Alderannian base for the development and production of nuclear missiles and other weapons of mass destruction which they keep "for defensive purposes only .honest".
Smoker who was on fire for most of the story so far but was recently put out, and is currently being chased by Nuckpang: Hehehe, he'll never get me in here! there's enough plutonium stocked in here to blow the entire planet to kingdom-come if a single spark reaches any of it!!! Only a complete lunatic would try anything in a place like this!
From the darkness behind him we hear a flame thrower being pumped up.and a quiet giggle.
Back on the planetblowerupper Grand Moff Tarkin's view of the planet is momentarily made a lot more interesting.
On the millennium albatross however, things are quite dull.so we just won't bother going to see them, instead we'll take a quick trip to the playboy mansion...no we won't because my lawyers have just informed me that it is illegal in most countries to show a lot of the positions the people there are in. So instead, here's a picture of a man with nine legs.[insert picture of man with nine legs here].don't he look funny? Okay, we'll check back at the millennium albatross, see if things have moved along a bit.
Luke and obi-wan are sitting at the table, deeply engaged in an awkward silence.
Luke: ....
Obi-wan: ...
Luke: .....
Obi-wan: ...
Luke: ....
Obi-wan: ...
Luke: .....
Obi-wan: ...
Luke: ...
Obi-wan: ....so, Luke, how's school?
Luke: Fine....
Obi-wan: well good..
Luke: ....yeah.
Obi-wan: .......
Luke: ....
Obi-wan: ...
Luke: .....
Obi-wan: ...
Luke: .......
Okay, that's enough of that. while we're waiting lets take a commercial break.
Commercial guy: *standing in front of a gridlocked street* 'ello, there. Are you tired of waiting in traffic jams and gridlock? Are you fed up with the way the roads are these days? Are you choking on the terrible air pollution caused by these automobiles? Well, so are we, if you can think of a way to stop it, please, let us know, and we'll make a commercial for it.
A jungle appears, and moving through the trees and vines we come into a clearing. In the centre of it there is a waterfall, and in it's cascading waters is a beautiful woman, in a very revealing bikini. The water is flowing down over her bare, tanned skin, her dark hair is soaked and clinging to her curved figure. The camera starts at her feet and slowly moves up her perfectly formed body, with several barely legal shots of her breasts and ass. She turns to the camera, smiles, revealing a set of sparkling white teeth, and says "if someone you loved has died then remember them as best you can, with the perfect headstone. So come on down to Kilmash headstones, and get the best deal you can, for those you love."
The scene changes again, this time it goes completely black, and a deep voice booms "So, you want action, excitement, adventure and romance? *voice softens slightly* Or do you just want to roll around on the floor in stitches of laughter? *voice slowly gets quite high pitched and excited* Or maybe you just want to jump up and down in a large bowl of toffee, yelling "WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP, LOOK AT THE POTATO, EEEEKKKKK EEKKKKKKK, grrrrrrrrrPOMME!!!!" And then get an assortment of bells and things that go PING and BONG (or alternatively NIP) and then bang them all together after which maybe have a bit of a lie down and a nice cup of tea, followed by a bath in a large tub of chocolate. *voice goes normal again* Well, whatever you want, you can find it in "Nuckpang and KP's excellent adventure" the new collaboration between Nuckpang (ZAT'S ME!!!!) and Kid Phoenix (zat's not). It's an original piece (hence listed under originals) and can be reached either by looking in kid phoenix's profile, or looking in Nuckpangs favourite story's.now go, and laugh until your nose falls off. *very fast voice* the writers of this sketch accept no responsibility for death which occurs during the reading of this sketch, or any maiming/serious injuring which occurs as a result of this sketch, all law suites are to be directed to the author Kid Phoenix, and will be handled by him, while Nuckpang grab all the money and head for Mexico. [Kid Phoenix (you know-the proof reader): Censored] *different voice* This sketch is sponsored by cucumber coffee (the only coffee which not only tastes great, but is also a very strong laxative and is used frequently in the act of euthanasia! cucumber coffee, the dead mans choice! ({and, for a limited time only you can get a FREE rotting foot in every jar).
Right, I think we'd better check back now.
Luke: *standing with a light sabre outstretched in his hand, a remote is hovering in front of him, occasionally firing laser bolts at him.* OW, that one got me as well, obi-wan, I haven't been able to block a single shot so far.
Obi-wan: yes Luke, and I've already told you that you would stand a better chance with the light sabre switched on.
Luke: you never said that.
Obi-wan: I've told you 18 times so far, and you always get distracted by something stupid and trivial.LUKE!!!
Luke: *looks up from his close examination of a passing fly* hm? Sorry, what?
Obi-wan: just turn on the bloody light sabre.
Luke: okey dokey. *turns it on and has a very uncomfortable moment standing on his tip-toes as he realises that he's holding it backwards, and (luckily for him) diagonally. He quickly moves it away from the offending area and his ability to have children is no longer at risk* okay, now what do I do?
Obi-wan: Block the shots from the remote.
Luke: Okey dokey.OW!!!!
Obi-wan: Block the shots with your light sabre Luke, not your hand.
Luke: Well you probably shoulda mentioned that before.
Obi-wan: Just do it.
Luke: Fine, I'll try.
Obi-wan: No, try not, do, or do not, there is no try.
Luke: You sure you're in the right film?
Han: *Walks in and slips into a chair* hey the way you say that it makes it sound as if I slip into a dress!
Nuckpang: *voice from above* well, okay, if you insist.
Han: *there's a flash and he's standing there in a sparkling red dress* very funny.
Nuckpang: why thank you.
Han: this is getting a bit predictable isn't it?
Nuckpang: hey, you wanna try and do my job?
Han: I'd have a go yeah.
Nuckpang: alright then, off you go.
Han: okay then. *starts to write the rewrite*
the room darkens and princess Leia appears, she is standing on a raised platform, and a pole descends from the roof. She grabs it, does a small twirl on it, and then rips off her-
THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT!!!!
Nuckpang: right, I'm taking over again!
Han: oh fine then, *slumps back in his chair*
Obi-wan: feel the force flowing through you.
Luke: oh, it's the force flowing through me? The doctor said it was methane gas.
Obi-wan: yeah.okay.here, try it with this helmet on. Just let the force take over completely.
Luke: *puts on the helmet, with blast shield lowered* okey dokey, takes up his stance with the light sabre slowly moving, the remote flicks quickly and fires. Luke dogdes to the side and swings his light sabre*
Obi-wan: ....okay Luke, maybe you should take the helmet off.
Luke: *he takes the helmet off to find that he was facing the wrong direction and has just decapitated C3PO*.
Han: oh for gods sake, I can do it, give me the damn light thingy. *jumps up out of his seat and snatches the sabre from Luke's hand* look, it's easy *swings the light sabre, cutting the remote in half* there, training finished, now strap yourselves in, we should be coming up to Alderann soon. *walks out*
Obi-wan: okay, we'd better do as he sa- ARGH!!!! *Collapses into his chair*.
Luke: what's wrong?
Obi-wan: it's a disturbance in the force, I sensed that millions of voices have just cried out in horror, and were suddenly silenced, I fear something terrible has happened
Luke: yes, I know what your talking about.
Obi-wan: what? But how?
Luke: Emperor Palpatine has just declared that he will be replacing Jerry Springer on the Jerry Springer show.
Obi-wan: but they were suddenly silenced!
Luke: yeah, he announced that all the competition will be destroyed, and so, Ricky Lake has been thrown from the top of a 50 story building.
Obi-wan: YAAAYYYY!!!! Okay then, that explains it, next stop Alderann!
They all walk into the cockpit to strap in (and watch chewie brush his hair, it's quite an experience to see a wookie bend over double to reach the hair on his back with a two foot long brush). Han reaches to the controls and pulls them out of hyper space, and flies them straight into an asteroid field.or so it seems.
Obi-wan: what the hell is this?
Han: I don't know, there aren't any asteroid fields around here.and what did he mean or so it seems?
Luke: but where's Alderann?
Han: don't know, don't care.
Luke: maybe the nice man in that tie fighter could tell us.
Han: tie fighter? What tie fighte- oh THAT tie fighter.bugger. Chewie charge up the guns, I'm lost ,pissed off, and if I don't take it out on this guy the kids gonna be floating home.
Chewie: ARRRRRR [okey dokey].
Luke: but aren't we gonna ask him about Alderann? I'm sure he'd be glad to help us if we ask him nicely.
Han: don't be stupid kid.
Tie pilot: *voice comes over the radio* evening all, you're probably wondering where Alderann is, you see there was some sort of- HEY YOU JUST SHOT AT ME!!!!!!!! Screw this, I'm going!
Han: quick, Chewie, he's landing on that small moon, shoot him!
On a small moon a man in a large, bulky space suit is climbing out of his ship.
Mr. Armstrong: this is one small step for man, one giant leap for-
Han: good shot Chewie, he's toast!
Obi-wan: fantastic, now all we have to worry about is that incredibly huge space station that is bearing down on us as we speak.
Luke: maybe they know what happened to Alderann.
Han: someone hit him, please!
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRRR [oh! oh! Please, let me, let me! *hits Luke*]
Luke: *from the other end of the ship where he landed* ....ouch.
Han: it's no good, they've got us in a tractor beam and they're pulling us in.
Outside the ship there is an old man riding a tractor, which is attached to the ship by a rope.
Old man: Yep, got you boys good.
Han: *Examining the rope* damn, he's used a double knot, there's no way we can escape!
[insert long, boring, and ultimately pointless end of chapter speech here. And remind people to review (if possible with gruesome threats attached)].
Alderann is floating in space. (It's just, you know, chillin', hangin', minding it's own business), then the planetblowerupper floats into view.big bully, taking up all of poor little Alderann's screen time.
Inside this so called "planetblowerupper" (if that IS its real name!)
Grand Moff Tarkin: *Standing with his hands clasped behind his back looking out of a window at Alderann (it's currently sulking because it didn't get it's big close up). * ..Space, the final frontier!
Com. officer: *head snaps up* Sir! Incoming lawsuit from Gene Roddenberry!
Grand Moff Tarkin: Uh oh! Oh well, at least we know where we'll be going with this baby once we're done here. *Eyes Roddenberrys house* hehehe.
Princess Leia: *Walks in, escorted by two guards* Grand Moff Tarkin, I should have known I'd find you holding Vader's leash, I smelled your foul stench when I came on board.
One of the guards: Er, actually no, that was me, sorry. *Receiving nasty looks from his companion* what?!? Chips have that effect on me!
Grand Moff Tarkin: Oh shut up you blithering idiot!
The guard: What! I may be an idiot, but I never blither!...I just never could get the footwork going right, you know, there's that bit when your right foot goes like this, and then the left crosses over and-
Grand Moff Tarkin: What are you talking about?
The guard: Blithering, you know, that dance when your right foot goes like- ARRRGGHHH!
Other guard: Goes like argh?
Grand Moff Tarkin: *Holding a smoking gun and looking at the large hole which has suddenly appeared in the guards chest with a vague interest* hm? Argh? I don't know. *Pokes the corpse with his foot*.strange man.anywho, Princess Leia, if you don't tell us where the rebel base is I'll blow up your home planet of Alderann.
Princess Leia: Eh? I've already told you where they are. remember?
Grand Moff Tarkin: Really? When?
Princess Leia: I think it was in chapter 3 or 4.
Grand Moff Tarkin: Really? *Runs over to a conveniently placed computer and presses the back button a few times* Oh, so you did, sorry, my mistake. *Looks back at the computer screen* oh, Nuckpang and kid phoenix have a co- written story up, looks good. But anyway, Dantooine, okey dokey, *to crewmembers* right lads, on to Dantooine, AND GLORY!!!!
Crewmember: I didn't know Glory was anywhere near Dantooine, I thought it was over near Corrilia.
Grand Moff Tarkin: .what the hell are you talking about?
Crewmember: you know, the planet, Glory.
Grand Moff Tarkin: *to Nuckpang* Oh come on, you can't go around making up planets just to suit your jokes!
Nuckpang: *voice from above* vell vhy not?
Grand Moff Tarkin: Because you just can't go around adding bits into George Lucas's world.and I'm fairly sure you made up that blithering dance as well.
Nuckpang: No comment.
Grand Moff Tarkin: YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE STUFF UP!!!
Nuckpang: ....I really should have explained zhis to all ze characters before I started ze story. For you see, I am (more or less) god here, and I don't ask for any prayers or anyzhing, but, I am all mighty and all- powerful, so, zhat means zhat I can do stuff like zhis, for no reason vhatsoever. *A grand piano appears over Grand Moff Tarkin's head, it's hovering....wait! Now it ain't. *
Grand Moff Tarkin: *From under the wreakage* ow....okay, I see your point.
Nuckpang: good, now, lets continue, shall ve?
Grand Moff Tarkin: *The piano disappears, though the crumpled body remains lying on the floor* urrrrrggggg *gets up slowly and painfully* oucha magoucha! *kid Phoenix: My bit! You stole my bit!* Okay then, where were we?
Crew member: Something about Glory, they do gorgeous pizza's there, you know.
Grand Moff Tarkin: Okay, first to Dantooine, then ON TO GLORY!!!! .And their pizzas.
Crew member: But what about Alderann?
Grand Moff Tarkin: Oh we know where the base is, there's no need to destroy it.
Crew member: Okay sir, if you say so, setting course for Dantooine.
Grand Moff Tarkin: Good. *turns back to look out the window*
Meanwhile, down on the planet, in a pitch dark storage room in the secret Alderannian base for the development and production of nuclear missiles and other weapons of mass destruction which they keep "for defensive purposes only .honest".
Smoker who was on fire for most of the story so far but was recently put out, and is currently being chased by Nuckpang: Hehehe, he'll never get me in here! there's enough plutonium stocked in here to blow the entire planet to kingdom-come if a single spark reaches any of it!!! Only a complete lunatic would try anything in a place like this!
From the darkness behind him we hear a flame thrower being pumped up.and a quiet giggle.
Back on the planetblowerupper Grand Moff Tarkin's view of the planet is momentarily made a lot more interesting.
On the millennium albatross however, things are quite dull.so we just won't bother going to see them, instead we'll take a quick trip to the playboy mansion...no we won't because my lawyers have just informed me that it is illegal in most countries to show a lot of the positions the people there are in. So instead, here's a picture of a man with nine legs.[insert picture of man with nine legs here].don't he look funny? Okay, we'll check back at the millennium albatross, see if things have moved along a bit.
Luke and obi-wan are sitting at the table, deeply engaged in an awkward silence.
Luke: ....
Obi-wan: ...
Luke: .....
Obi-wan: ...
Luke: ....
Obi-wan: ...
Luke: .....
Obi-wan: ...
Luke: ...
Obi-wan: ....so, Luke, how's school?
Luke: Fine....
Obi-wan: well good..
Luke: ....yeah.
Obi-wan: .......
Luke: ....
Obi-wan: ...
Luke: .....
Obi-wan: ...
Luke: .......
Okay, that's enough of that. while we're waiting lets take a commercial break.
Commercial guy: *standing in front of a gridlocked street* 'ello, there. Are you tired of waiting in traffic jams and gridlock? Are you fed up with the way the roads are these days? Are you choking on the terrible air pollution caused by these automobiles? Well, so are we, if you can think of a way to stop it, please, let us know, and we'll make a commercial for it.
A jungle appears, and moving through the trees and vines we come into a clearing. In the centre of it there is a waterfall, and in it's cascading waters is a beautiful woman, in a very revealing bikini. The water is flowing down over her bare, tanned skin, her dark hair is soaked and clinging to her curved figure. The camera starts at her feet and slowly moves up her perfectly formed body, with several barely legal shots of her breasts and ass. She turns to the camera, smiles, revealing a set of sparkling white teeth, and says "if someone you loved has died then remember them as best you can, with the perfect headstone. So come on down to Kilmash headstones, and get the best deal you can, for those you love."
The scene changes again, this time it goes completely black, and a deep voice booms "So, you want action, excitement, adventure and romance? *voice softens slightly* Or do you just want to roll around on the floor in stitches of laughter? *voice slowly gets quite high pitched and excited* Or maybe you just want to jump up and down in a large bowl of toffee, yelling "WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP, LOOK AT THE POTATO, EEEEKKKKK EEKKKKKKK, grrrrrrrrrPOMME!!!!" And then get an assortment of bells and things that go PING and BONG (or alternatively NIP) and then bang them all together after which maybe have a bit of a lie down and a nice cup of tea, followed by a bath in a large tub of chocolate. *voice goes normal again* Well, whatever you want, you can find it in "Nuckpang and KP's excellent adventure" the new collaboration between Nuckpang (ZAT'S ME!!!!) and Kid Phoenix (zat's not). It's an original piece (hence listed under originals) and can be reached either by looking in kid phoenix's profile, or looking in Nuckpangs favourite story's.now go, and laugh until your nose falls off. *very fast voice* the writers of this sketch accept no responsibility for death which occurs during the reading of this sketch, or any maiming/serious injuring which occurs as a result of this sketch, all law suites are to be directed to the author Kid Phoenix, and will be handled by him, while Nuckpang grab all the money and head for Mexico. [Kid Phoenix (you know-the proof reader): Censored] *different voice* This sketch is sponsored by cucumber coffee (the only coffee which not only tastes great, but is also a very strong laxative and is used frequently in the act of euthanasia! cucumber coffee, the dead mans choice! ({and, for a limited time only you can get a FREE rotting foot in every jar).
Right, I think we'd better check back now.
Luke: *standing with a light sabre outstretched in his hand, a remote is hovering in front of him, occasionally firing laser bolts at him.* OW, that one got me as well, obi-wan, I haven't been able to block a single shot so far.
Obi-wan: yes Luke, and I've already told you that you would stand a better chance with the light sabre switched on.
Luke: you never said that.
Obi-wan: I've told you 18 times so far, and you always get distracted by something stupid and trivial.LUKE!!!
Luke: *looks up from his close examination of a passing fly* hm? Sorry, what?
Obi-wan: just turn on the bloody light sabre.
Luke: okey dokey. *turns it on and has a very uncomfortable moment standing on his tip-toes as he realises that he's holding it backwards, and (luckily for him) diagonally. He quickly moves it away from the offending area and his ability to have children is no longer at risk* okay, now what do I do?
Obi-wan: Block the shots from the remote.
Luke: Okey dokey.OW!!!!
Obi-wan: Block the shots with your light sabre Luke, not your hand.
Luke: Well you probably shoulda mentioned that before.
Obi-wan: Just do it.
Luke: Fine, I'll try.
Obi-wan: No, try not, do, or do not, there is no try.
Luke: You sure you're in the right film?
Han: *Walks in and slips into a chair* hey the way you say that it makes it sound as if I slip into a dress!
Nuckpang: *voice from above* well, okay, if you insist.
Han: *there's a flash and he's standing there in a sparkling red dress* very funny.
Nuckpang: why thank you.
Han: this is getting a bit predictable isn't it?
Nuckpang: hey, you wanna try and do my job?
Han: I'd have a go yeah.
Nuckpang: alright then, off you go.
Han: okay then. *starts to write the rewrite*
the room darkens and princess Leia appears, she is standing on a raised platform, and a pole descends from the roof. She grabs it, does a small twirl on it, and then rips off her-
THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT!!!!
Nuckpang: right, I'm taking over again!
Han: oh fine then, *slumps back in his chair*
Obi-wan: feel the force flowing through you.
Luke: oh, it's the force flowing through me? The doctor said it was methane gas.
Obi-wan: yeah.okay.here, try it with this helmet on. Just let the force take over completely.
Luke: *puts on the helmet, with blast shield lowered* okey dokey, takes up his stance with the light sabre slowly moving, the remote flicks quickly and fires. Luke dogdes to the side and swings his light sabre*
Obi-wan: ....okay Luke, maybe you should take the helmet off.
Luke: *he takes the helmet off to find that he was facing the wrong direction and has just decapitated C3PO*.
Han: oh for gods sake, I can do it, give me the damn light thingy. *jumps up out of his seat and snatches the sabre from Luke's hand* look, it's easy *swings the light sabre, cutting the remote in half* there, training finished, now strap yourselves in, we should be coming up to Alderann soon. *walks out*
Obi-wan: okay, we'd better do as he sa- ARGH!!!! *Collapses into his chair*.
Luke: what's wrong?
Obi-wan: it's a disturbance in the force, I sensed that millions of voices have just cried out in horror, and were suddenly silenced, I fear something terrible has happened
Luke: yes, I know what your talking about.
Obi-wan: what? But how?
Luke: Emperor Palpatine has just declared that he will be replacing Jerry Springer on the Jerry Springer show.
Obi-wan: but they were suddenly silenced!
Luke: yeah, he announced that all the competition will be destroyed, and so, Ricky Lake has been thrown from the top of a 50 story building.
Obi-wan: YAAAYYYY!!!! Okay then, that explains it, next stop Alderann!
They all walk into the cockpit to strap in (and watch chewie brush his hair, it's quite an experience to see a wookie bend over double to reach the hair on his back with a two foot long brush). Han reaches to the controls and pulls them out of hyper space, and flies them straight into an asteroid field.or so it seems.
Obi-wan: what the hell is this?
Han: I don't know, there aren't any asteroid fields around here.and what did he mean or so it seems?
Luke: but where's Alderann?
Han: don't know, don't care.
Luke: maybe the nice man in that tie fighter could tell us.
Han: tie fighter? What tie fighte- oh THAT tie fighter.bugger. Chewie charge up the guns, I'm lost ,pissed off, and if I don't take it out on this guy the kids gonna be floating home.
Chewie: ARRRRRR [okey dokey].
Luke: but aren't we gonna ask him about Alderann? I'm sure he'd be glad to help us if we ask him nicely.
Han: don't be stupid kid.
Tie pilot: *voice comes over the radio* evening all, you're probably wondering where Alderann is, you see there was some sort of- HEY YOU JUST SHOT AT ME!!!!!!!! Screw this, I'm going!
Han: quick, Chewie, he's landing on that small moon, shoot him!
On a small moon a man in a large, bulky space suit is climbing out of his ship.
Mr. Armstrong: this is one small step for man, one giant leap for-
Han: good shot Chewie, he's toast!
Obi-wan: fantastic, now all we have to worry about is that incredibly huge space station that is bearing down on us as we speak.
Luke: maybe they know what happened to Alderann.
Han: someone hit him, please!
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRRR [oh! oh! Please, let me, let me! *hits Luke*]
Luke: *from the other end of the ship where he landed* ....ouch.
Han: it's no good, they've got us in a tractor beam and they're pulling us in.
Outside the ship there is an old man riding a tractor, which is attached to the ship by a rope.
Old man: Yep, got you boys good.
Han: *Examining the rope* damn, he's used a double knot, there's no way we can escape!
[insert long, boring, and ultimately pointless end of chapter speech here. And remind people to review (if possible with gruesome threats attached)].