I'm not going to bother vith an intro to zhis chapter, but I am just going
to say, I'M REALLY DESPERATE FOR REVIEWS! PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW! I'd
REALLY appreciate it!!! You can even put in *shudder* constructive
criticism. And I don't care if you already reviewed chapter 3 or 4, or
vhatever! Review again! Please! I need zhis feedback!
Inside the "planetblowerupper" the millennium albatross has been impounded, clamped, and a fine left taped to the windscreen for the driver to see, because of a parking offence. There are two stormtroopers guarding the entrance platform to the ship, but they aren't really too interested, and are watching Jerry Springer on small TVs hidden in their hands.
JERRY SPRINGER! (There are cheers and hooting from the audience)
Emperor Palpatine walks on stage, to yet more cheers.
Palpatine: *motioning for silence* thank you, thank you. As you all know, I have taken over from Jerry, because he is temporarily unavailable.
(*The camera flicks over to a dark, dank, dungeon where Jerry Springer is chained upside down to a wall, clothed in rags, and from a pair of earphones hanging on his head we can hear vague traces of Britney Spears songs being played over and over again. The camera turns back to the studio, and Jerry's screams are slowly being faded out.*)
Palpatine: so, with that in mind, our topic for today is, when milkmen turn sour!
(*The camera cuts to a milkman, wearing a white coat, white cap, and a mask across his face to conceal his identity sitting in a chair.*)
Milkman: well, the pressure just overwhelmed me. You have no idea how much pressure there is, I mean, everybody's depending on you to get there, so they can have their bowl of cereal. And it was all just too much for me. I cracked, and went on a killing rampage that lasted for several days. I like, burned down every house that was on my milk route, killing anybody that got in my way. I beat some of them over the head with bottles of UHT milk, and like, ran over most of the others with my milk float.
(*The camera changes again, this time, moving to a man with a large milk bottle embedded in the side of his head.*)
Man: yeah, I was the victim of an attack carried out by one of these milkmen, the surgeons say that I'll have this scar for the rest of my life (*points to the milk bottle*).
The camera changes again to another man.
Different Man: I was run over by a milk float, I was trapped underneath for the three minutes it took for the float to completely run me over. (*He turns and walks out, as he does we see that he has been completely flattened to about a centimetre thick*)
Stormtrooper1: (*obviously a man who can be outsmarted by squashed fly, with a voice to match. Something like the Monty Phyton "gumby's"*) huh huh huh, looky at dat guy, he all fla' , huh huh huh!
Stormtrooper2: hey, shu' up! You maken us look bad! (*Punches him, knocking him to the ground*)... Wai' a minute, he IS all fla'! Huh Huh Huh!!!
(*Vader sweeps in majestically, puts down his brush (get it? Brush? SWEEPS in? nudge nudge, wink wink?), and marches over to the ship.
Vader: (*waving a golf club in the air*) alwight!!! Who dumped this bit of junk on my dwiving wange????
(*An officer hurries down the ramp to meet him*)
Officer: Greetings Lord Vader. The author can't think of a gimmick for me, so I will have to do as I am.
Vader: Vewy well then. Why is this ship hewe?
Officer: It's been impounded on a parking offence. According to the log the crew went off for a curry, and while they were gone the parking metre ran out.
Vader: The bastewds! (*He freezes for a second, staring off into space*) I feel something, something I have not felt in a long time. (* a bulge starts to slowly grow in his pants, you know, just below the stomach.*). Eeek! I, er, must leave. Quickly! (*Hobbles off*)
Officer: (*shrugs*) Strange man. (*Shouts the pair of giggling stormtroopers*) OI! YOU TWO, GET A SCANNING CREW IN HERE!
Stormtrooper1: Eh, why?
Officer: I want to see if there's any buried treasure on board.
Stormtrooper1: Buried treasure? Why would der be buried treasure?
Officer: I don't have to explain myself to the likes of you! (*marches back inside, slips on a banana skin, and goes tumbling headfirst into the ships garbage compartment.*)
(*Inside the ship*)
Han: (*slowly lifting the section of the floor under which he's hidden*) the coast's clear! Come on! (*He throws away the section of the floor, dislodging the Stormtrooper that was standing on top of it, and sending him flying against the wall, where he slumps down unconscious*).
Luke: (*Climbs out*) Wow, it's lucky you had these compartments.
Han: I use 'em for smuggling kid. I never thought I'd have to smuggle myself in them.
Luke: Smuggling? Oh, that would explain all those drugs that obi-wan found.
Obi-wan: (*leaps out of the hole screaming*) ARRRGGGGHHHHH SPIDERS!!!! THEY'RE ALL OVER ME!!! GETTEM OFF GETTEM OFF GETTEM OFF!!!!!! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!!! ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Han: (*Looking down into the smuggling compartment*) HEY! You used ALL that stuff??? (*Looks at obi-wan*) you know, you really should be dead.
Obi-wan: (*Runs off, waving arms wildly and screaming*) AAARRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Luke: (*Stares blankly after him*) ...I think what he meant to say was "right chaps, I'm off to shut down the tractor beam so we can all escape".
Han: Really? Okay then, lets see if there's anywhere around here to get a drink while we wait. (*Yells down to the stormtroopers guarding the ship *) hey could you guys give us a hand up here?
Stromtrooper: I dunno (*Looks at his hands*), I only have da two, and dey look like der pretty well stuck on.
Han: Just come up here!
Stormtrooper: Oh okay. I can do dat!
He and his partner run up the walkway, slip on the same banana skin their officer fell on, and follow him into the garbage compartment. Coincidentally he was, at the same time as they were "entering", trying to leave. Crash! Bang! Wallop!
Han: maybe we'll just ask someone else for directions.
Up in the look out-post, or office, or whatever the hell it is.
Officer: CKY21, come in! CKY21, why aren't you at your post?
A voice comes back over the radio (it's the Stormtrooper)
Voice: I am a voice coming back over the radio.
Officer: Yes, I know. Where are you?
Voice: Em, opps. I fell down!
Officer: (*to the other officer, who I didn't actually mention, but is there!*) damn, we have a Stormtrooper down, I'll go pick him up.
Voice: Awwww!!!! It all smelly in here!
Officer: Yes, yes, I'm coming! (*Walks over to the door, and opens it*).
Han: (*Smiles warmly*) Hi, I was just wondering, could you please direct us to the nearest-
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! (TAKE THAT YOU FIEND!!!) (*Punches him, knocking him to the ground*)
Han: Now what'd you have to go and do that for?
Chewie: (*Shrugs*) ARRRRRRR!!!! (Dunno, it just sort of happened that way)
Han: well, come on, let's see if there's anyone else around. (*Walks in and sees the second officer*) ah, hello. We were just wondering is there anywhere around were we could get a drink?
Other officer: Well, there's Starbucks.
Han: Yeah, there's ALWAYS a Starbucks. Which way is it?
Other officer: Well, you go straight down there (*points*), then take a left, go down the corridor a bit, then take the second right you come to, down, past the torture chamber, past the skinny dipping pool, and then take a left. After that, you take another left, a right, a left, another left, another left, then a right, then you take the elevator on your right to the 3672nd floor, once you get out turn left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then up, then down, then you do a little spin, then you stand on our head, then you jump around in circles while reciting the poetry of William Butler Yeats, then you take the next left on your right, and you go up and down and bounce around, then you take the next bus into the city centre, once you get in there, then you find the local airport, and you walk up to the check in desk, and you book a flight to Corrilia, then you are informed that your flight will be leaving in five minutes, so you rush to arrival gate, but you've missed it already, so then you get the bus back here, then you get off, then you turn left, left again, then right, and you keep going until you pass the happiness factory, then you take a left, then a right, another right, then a couple more rights, and a left, after that you take the next up on your down, and you're there! You can't miss it!
Han: so, once we get past the happiness factory we take the next left?
Officer: right!
Han: we go right?
Officer: wrong.
Han: then left?
Officer: right.
Han: you just said that right was wrong!
Officer: yes, left is right.
Han: LEFT ISN'T RIGHT! RIGHT IS RIGHT, LEFT IS LEFT!
Officer: no, right is wrong, and left is right.
Han: left is right?
Officer: right.
Han: And right is wrong?
Officer: right.
Han: (*trying to reason it out*) So, if left is right, and right is wrong, then we have to go wrong?
Officer: By the look of you, you already have.
Han: Chewie, will you try to work this out?
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRR (Sure) (*Hits the officer, and sends him soaring across the room*)
Han: Why do you keep doing that?
Chewie: (*shrugs*)
Han: Okay then. Right, lets go find this place. (*To the two droids*) You stay here, you don't need food or drink anyway.
Vell, zhat's all for zhis chapzer, do you like ze new brackets vit ze *'s ? I think zey make it a little easier to read, und I have been told zat zat has been a problem. Very much sorry am I if you found it like zat. Anyvay, I'd just like to remind you of ze little short message zat I gave you at ze start, REVIEW ZIS BLOODY CHAPZER!!!! REVIEW EVERY BLOODY CHAPZER IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT! (Und maybe if you don't!).
Inside the "planetblowerupper" the millennium albatross has been impounded, clamped, and a fine left taped to the windscreen for the driver to see, because of a parking offence. There are two stormtroopers guarding the entrance platform to the ship, but they aren't really too interested, and are watching Jerry Springer on small TVs hidden in their hands.
JERRY SPRINGER! (There are cheers and hooting from the audience)
Emperor Palpatine walks on stage, to yet more cheers.
Palpatine: *motioning for silence* thank you, thank you. As you all know, I have taken over from Jerry, because he is temporarily unavailable.
(*The camera flicks over to a dark, dank, dungeon where Jerry Springer is chained upside down to a wall, clothed in rags, and from a pair of earphones hanging on his head we can hear vague traces of Britney Spears songs being played over and over again. The camera turns back to the studio, and Jerry's screams are slowly being faded out.*)
Palpatine: so, with that in mind, our topic for today is, when milkmen turn sour!
(*The camera cuts to a milkman, wearing a white coat, white cap, and a mask across his face to conceal his identity sitting in a chair.*)
Milkman: well, the pressure just overwhelmed me. You have no idea how much pressure there is, I mean, everybody's depending on you to get there, so they can have their bowl of cereal. And it was all just too much for me. I cracked, and went on a killing rampage that lasted for several days. I like, burned down every house that was on my milk route, killing anybody that got in my way. I beat some of them over the head with bottles of UHT milk, and like, ran over most of the others with my milk float.
(*The camera changes again, this time, moving to a man with a large milk bottle embedded in the side of his head.*)
Man: yeah, I was the victim of an attack carried out by one of these milkmen, the surgeons say that I'll have this scar for the rest of my life (*points to the milk bottle*).
The camera changes again to another man.
Different Man: I was run over by a milk float, I was trapped underneath for the three minutes it took for the float to completely run me over. (*He turns and walks out, as he does we see that he has been completely flattened to about a centimetre thick*)
Stormtrooper1: (*obviously a man who can be outsmarted by squashed fly, with a voice to match. Something like the Monty Phyton "gumby's"*) huh huh huh, looky at dat guy, he all fla' , huh huh huh!
Stormtrooper2: hey, shu' up! You maken us look bad! (*Punches him, knocking him to the ground*)... Wai' a minute, he IS all fla'! Huh Huh Huh!!!
(*Vader sweeps in majestically, puts down his brush (get it? Brush? SWEEPS in? nudge nudge, wink wink?), and marches over to the ship.
Vader: (*waving a golf club in the air*) alwight!!! Who dumped this bit of junk on my dwiving wange????
(*An officer hurries down the ramp to meet him*)
Officer: Greetings Lord Vader. The author can't think of a gimmick for me, so I will have to do as I am.
Vader: Vewy well then. Why is this ship hewe?
Officer: It's been impounded on a parking offence. According to the log the crew went off for a curry, and while they were gone the parking metre ran out.
Vader: The bastewds! (*He freezes for a second, staring off into space*) I feel something, something I have not felt in a long time. (* a bulge starts to slowly grow in his pants, you know, just below the stomach.*). Eeek! I, er, must leave. Quickly! (*Hobbles off*)
Officer: (*shrugs*) Strange man. (*Shouts the pair of giggling stormtroopers*) OI! YOU TWO, GET A SCANNING CREW IN HERE!
Stormtrooper1: Eh, why?
Officer: I want to see if there's any buried treasure on board.
Stormtrooper1: Buried treasure? Why would der be buried treasure?
Officer: I don't have to explain myself to the likes of you! (*marches back inside, slips on a banana skin, and goes tumbling headfirst into the ships garbage compartment.*)
(*Inside the ship*)
Han: (*slowly lifting the section of the floor under which he's hidden*) the coast's clear! Come on! (*He throws away the section of the floor, dislodging the Stormtrooper that was standing on top of it, and sending him flying against the wall, where he slumps down unconscious*).
Luke: (*Climbs out*) Wow, it's lucky you had these compartments.
Han: I use 'em for smuggling kid. I never thought I'd have to smuggle myself in them.
Luke: Smuggling? Oh, that would explain all those drugs that obi-wan found.
Obi-wan: (*leaps out of the hole screaming*) ARRRGGGGHHHHH SPIDERS!!!! THEY'RE ALL OVER ME!!! GETTEM OFF GETTEM OFF GETTEM OFF!!!!!! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!!! ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Han: (*Looking down into the smuggling compartment*) HEY! You used ALL that stuff??? (*Looks at obi-wan*) you know, you really should be dead.
Obi-wan: (*Runs off, waving arms wildly and screaming*) AAARRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Luke: (*Stares blankly after him*) ...I think what he meant to say was "right chaps, I'm off to shut down the tractor beam so we can all escape".
Han: Really? Okay then, lets see if there's anywhere around here to get a drink while we wait. (*Yells down to the stormtroopers guarding the ship *) hey could you guys give us a hand up here?
Stromtrooper: I dunno (*Looks at his hands*), I only have da two, and dey look like der pretty well stuck on.
Han: Just come up here!
Stormtrooper: Oh okay. I can do dat!
He and his partner run up the walkway, slip on the same banana skin their officer fell on, and follow him into the garbage compartment. Coincidentally he was, at the same time as they were "entering", trying to leave. Crash! Bang! Wallop!
Han: maybe we'll just ask someone else for directions.
Up in the look out-post, or office, or whatever the hell it is.
Officer: CKY21, come in! CKY21, why aren't you at your post?
A voice comes back over the radio (it's the Stormtrooper)
Voice: I am a voice coming back over the radio.
Officer: Yes, I know. Where are you?
Voice: Em, opps. I fell down!
Officer: (*to the other officer, who I didn't actually mention, but is there!*) damn, we have a Stormtrooper down, I'll go pick him up.
Voice: Awwww!!!! It all smelly in here!
Officer: Yes, yes, I'm coming! (*Walks over to the door, and opens it*).
Han: (*Smiles warmly*) Hi, I was just wondering, could you please direct us to the nearest-
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! (TAKE THAT YOU FIEND!!!) (*Punches him, knocking him to the ground*)
Han: Now what'd you have to go and do that for?
Chewie: (*Shrugs*) ARRRRRRR!!!! (Dunno, it just sort of happened that way)
Han: well, come on, let's see if there's anyone else around. (*Walks in and sees the second officer*) ah, hello. We were just wondering is there anywhere around were we could get a drink?
Other officer: Well, there's Starbucks.
Han: Yeah, there's ALWAYS a Starbucks. Which way is it?
Other officer: Well, you go straight down there (*points*), then take a left, go down the corridor a bit, then take the second right you come to, down, past the torture chamber, past the skinny dipping pool, and then take a left. After that, you take another left, a right, a left, another left, another left, then a right, then you take the elevator on your right to the 3672nd floor, once you get out turn left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then up, then down, then you do a little spin, then you stand on our head, then you jump around in circles while reciting the poetry of William Butler Yeats, then you take the next left on your right, and you go up and down and bounce around, then you take the next bus into the city centre, once you get in there, then you find the local airport, and you walk up to the check in desk, and you book a flight to Corrilia, then you are informed that your flight will be leaving in five minutes, so you rush to arrival gate, but you've missed it already, so then you get the bus back here, then you get off, then you turn left, left again, then right, and you keep going until you pass the happiness factory, then you take a left, then a right, another right, then a couple more rights, and a left, after that you take the next up on your down, and you're there! You can't miss it!
Han: so, once we get past the happiness factory we take the next left?
Officer: right!
Han: we go right?
Officer: wrong.
Han: then left?
Officer: right.
Han: you just said that right was wrong!
Officer: yes, left is right.
Han: LEFT ISN'T RIGHT! RIGHT IS RIGHT, LEFT IS LEFT!
Officer: no, right is wrong, and left is right.
Han: left is right?
Officer: right.
Han: And right is wrong?
Officer: right.
Han: (*trying to reason it out*) So, if left is right, and right is wrong, then we have to go wrong?
Officer: By the look of you, you already have.
Han: Chewie, will you try to work this out?
Chewie: ARRRRRRRRR (Sure) (*Hits the officer, and sends him soaring across the room*)
Han: Why do you keep doing that?
Chewie: (*shrugs*)
Han: Okay then. Right, lets go find this place. (*To the two droids*) You stay here, you don't need food or drink anyway.
Vell, zhat's all for zhis chapzer, do you like ze new brackets vit ze *'s ? I think zey make it a little easier to read, und I have been told zat zat has been a problem. Very much sorry am I if you found it like zat. Anyvay, I'd just like to remind you of ze little short message zat I gave you at ze start, REVIEW ZIS BLOODY CHAPZER!!!! REVIEW EVERY BLOODY CHAPZER IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT! (Und maybe if you don't!).