Title: Bits and Pieces
Warnings: Random insanity…jokes about male x male relationships…Nagi getting a little abused along that way…poor baby….Brad getting a little action…wooohooo!!!
Disclaimer: Yada yada so on and so forth…
Lil side note: I just want to say thanks to everyone that comment on my schtuff…alas…I do know I'm a pretty weird cookie…I love everyone who reviewed…kiss kiss and all that!
Author: *Cracks knuckles* Ok…
PART 1-
Setting: Inside the Schwarz household, Farf, Schu and Nagi are sitting around an old kitchen table playing poker. And Brad…well…Brad's somewhere else doing something or other…
Farf: I raise it 100. (Puts down poker chips)
Schu: And I'll raise you 50. (Puts down more chips)
Nagi: (Grins and looks at cards) Ill raise both of you 150...(Puts down chips)
SUDDENLY:
Telephone: *ring ring*
Schu: Go get that Nagie-kins.
Nagi: I'm busy, you get it.
Schu: No I insist…
Nagi: Oh all right (Walks away)
Schu and Farf: (Exchange glances) LOOK AT HIS CARDS!!!! (Takes peek before lil cutie Nagi walks back in with a bowl of popcorn)
Nagi: (Looks at Schu and Farf with innocent halos over their head) Did you guys look at my cards?
Schu: (Pointing to halo and wings) Not I. (Sweet smile) Can I have some popcorn? (Sugary sweet smile)
Nagi: No dork, get your own. (Knocks Schu's halo off his head)
Farf: (Twitching uncontrollably) HALO?! (Claws at his head)
Nagi: (Shakes head in shame and sits down)
Schu: (Fumbling with his cards) Who was that on the phone?
Nagi: (Stops dusting cards for fingerprints and looks up) It stopped ringing before I picked it up.
Schu: Oh…well I bet who ever it was will call again…
*RING RING*
Farf: OMG! YOU HAVE ESPN!
Nagi: o_o (Gets up for the phone)
Schu and Farf: (Look at Nagi's bowl, Exchange glances) POPCORN!!!!! (Stuff faces full of popcorn)
Nagi: (Walking back in and sees Schu and Farf again sitting innocently…looks down at empty bowl and crumbs) Did you guys eat my popcorn?
Schu: (Smiles sweetly) Not I.
Farf: (Cheeks still full of golden butterlicious popcorn) Not I. (Little pieces of popcorn fly out of his mouth)
Nagi: T.T (Piece of popcorn hits him in the forehead) That was the last package, guys…*cute little Nagi tear* (Goes into kitchen and gets himself some Doritos and sits back down)
Farf: (Still twitching from halo incident) Can I have some! (over innocent smile)
Nagi: No, leave me alone freak. (Munches on Doritos)
Schu: (Pretends to listen for something by putting his hand up to his ear) Hey I think the phone is about to…
*RING RING*
Nagi: T.T (Walks out to get phone)
Schu and Farf: (Exchange Glances) DORITOS! (Wolf down entire bowl in one mouthful)
Nagi: (Walks back in...sees empty bowl) DID YOU GUYS EAT MY DORITOS!
Farf: (Fumbles with flickering halo) Not meeee….(Smile…globs of cheesiness are stuck between his teeth)
Nagi: *Another cute little tear* (Looks at Schu)
Schu: Don't look at me Nagi…I didn't eat those chips…(Burps…smells of Doritos)
Farf: (Pretends to listen for something by putting his hand up to his ear) Heeeey…is that the…
*RING RING*
Farf: …..telephone??
Nagi: Oh the humanity…(Walks to get phone)
Schu: (Giggles and takes out cell phone from pocket, over it you can hear Nagi answering the phone in the kitchen) What a sad sad boy.
Farf: Yeah…I feel bad for him….
Schu: You weakling…(Flips over cards to show that he won the almost non-existent card game that should have been going on) I win.
Farf: (Looks at Schu's cards) Five aces?!
Schu: (Hoards chips) Yeah well uh……In this household queens beat straights every time. (Cheesy wink)
End.
Epilogue: Twenty Minutes later:
Farf: OOOOOH! I GET IT! *Smacks head*
-I hope everyone got that last little pun…haha
PART 2
Author: (Finishes piece of cold pizza) *Cracks knuckles*
Setting: The four beautiful bishis of Schwarz are in a grocery store. Since Takatori had died so long ago they were forced to find a new line of work for a few weeks. Brad is sitting behind the counter, Nagi has accidentally locked himself in the freezer, and Farf and Schu are officially late.
Farf/Schu: (Burst in the door panting)
Farf: Sorry we're late. (Walks up to Brad) G'morning, sir…
Brad: (Grunts and motions him to move on)
Schu: Morning…(Starts to walk away)
Brad: *AHEM* Schuldig, I'm your boss. Speak to me with more respect.
Schu: oh sorry…Good morning sir-cus freak! (Runs away giggling)
Brad: o.O Farfarello, remind me to fire him later.
Farf: YES SIR! (Salutes him)
Brad: (Stares at Farf)
Farf: (Stares Back)
Brad: O_ (Stares some more)
Farf: (Stare stare stare)
Brad: You can go…
Farf: Oh ok…(Walks away)
Meanwhile:
Nagi: (Knock knock) Help me…T.T
Meanwhile again:
Schu: (Looks at self in mirror after putting the dirty smock on for cleaning) Man….even in this thing I still look hot….(Licks finger and touches ass making pretend sizzle sound)
Farf: (Walks in, hears sizzle) What's cooking?
Schu: (Smacks him upside the head)
Farf: (Stupid grin)
Schu: Hurry up and get your smock on and lets go.
Farf: YES SIR! (Salutes him)
Schu: (Stares at Farf)
Farf: O.O (Stares Back)
Schu: O_ (Stares some more)
Farf: O.O (Stare stare stare)
Schu: Stop that…
Farf: Oh sorry…
Meanwhile:
Nagi: (Icicles coming out of nose) Someone!? ANYONE?!
Meanwhile somewhere else:
Brad: (Sitting behind crumby old counter with his fresh, sharp Armani suit on looking so close to perfect its scary)
Schu and Farf: (Runs up to him)
Schu: Ok we're ready. What do you need us to do oh holy one…
Brad: Don't call me that…
Schu: Why? You want us to be politically correct and call you Mr. Crawford?
Brad: No…because "God" fits me so much better. (Cheesy campaign smile, does peace sign with fingers)
Farf: O.O (Twitch) GOD?!
Brad: Let it go Farfarello.
Farf: (Thinks) I don't have any underwear on….
Schu: O.o (In background) Wow that's random…
Brad: (Jerks back) Ooooook…well…..this is what I want you two to do…First Farf get some underwear on….then get another pair on…(Holds back disgust)
Farf: YES SI…
Brad: Stop that!
Farf: (Whimper)
Brad: Then after…that…I want you two to sweep up what Nagi left behind.
Schu: Where IS Nagi?
Brad: (Shrugs) I'm not sure…
Meanwhile in the freezer:
Nagi: (Blue, rubbing hands together and shivering) HELLO?!
Back at the counter:
Farf: Has anyone even come in here yet?
Brad: No…but they will.
Farf: (Looks around shitty little grocery store, smashes cockroach with combat boots) In what century, Crawford?
Brad: (Gets red in the face) Well at least we aren't that store out there with all the teenage girls crowding around it! (Storms off)
Schu/Farf: (Look out the window at a flower shop across the street and frown)
Schu: I can't even see the workers….all those bouncy girls in really short skirts are covering them up.
Farf: (Squints to read sign) Kitty…In…the……House?…ew what kind of name is that?
Schu: (Wrinkles nose) yeah…they sound wimpy…Well lets go find Nagi and try to clean up this store…
Farf: (Still looking out the window) What's the point of that? Nagi is boring to be around…if he's lost then just let him find himself….Hey look…that really tall girl with the really really red hair and ear-tails is really cute looking from all the way over here.
Schu: (Squints through window) I can't really see…
Farf: Oh well…later we can go over there and see who it is…
Schu: Right-o! Now lets go out back and bother Crawford.
Farf: I thought we were supposed to go find Nagi…
Schu: Pssh…Screw Nagi…
End.
Epilogue:
200 years in the future.
Alien#1: (Opens up ancient grocery store freezer) Hey look what I found Andiodroma!
Andiodroma: What's that Deonetha?
Deonetha: (Points to little cute frozen boy)
Both: (Exchange glances) Ooooh! The intergalactic space museum is going to love us for finding this!
PART 3
Author: (Smashes soda can against forehead and burps) Ok…lets see….
Setting: Inside a club. The members of Schwarz are randomly walking around talking to the various people. Schu is flirting with a drag queen names Sheela, Farf is "getting his grove on" with a guy from down south names Bill, Brad is making out with some random dude in some secluded bathroom somewhere, and Nagi…well…I would think that Brad would make him stay home…but Nagi's walking around being innocent and cute and talking to the random gay guys that are constantly feeling him up.
Nagi: (Rubbing ass) Ouch…
Random guy: Hey gorgeous…want to night with me? (Trusts hips at Nagi)
Nagi: O.O I'M JUST A LITTLE KID!
Random guy: (Peers down at him) How old are you…
Nagi: T.T 15...
Random guy: Ew…too young…
SUDDENLY!
Michael Jackson: (Walks up to Nagi) Heeeey there cuties.
Nagi: O.O WHERE'S YOUR NOSE?!
Michael: (Pokes finger through face where nose should be) It clashed with my shirt…so I got it surgically removed…
Nagi: O.O
Michael: So you want a go with me? *wink wink*
Nagi: I'm only 15!
Michael: I know…I like little kids….(Witch cackle)
Nagi: (Screams bloody murder and runs away)
Meanwhile:
Schu: (Drunk off his ass) *Hick* So SHEEELA!…*Hick* How-a you doin? *hick*
Sheela: (Deeeeeeeep manly voice) I have a Limo waiting out back, want to go and get frisky?
Schu: O.o…Uh *hick* No thank you sheela darling. I'm fine here.
Sheela: (Gropes Schu) Are you sure love-bunny?
Schu: (Beeper goes off) Oh look…you set off my creepy alarm…(Walks away and bumps into Nagi)
Nagi: SCHU!!! MICHAEL JACKSON IS AFTER ME!
Schu: (Bursts out laughing) Man, you sound like you've had waaaaaaa*hick*aaaaay too many drinks..
Nagi: I'm telling the truth!!!
Schu: Sure sure…and Brad's hair turns white and he wears English Renaissance clothing in the next season of Weiss Kreuz** (Lets out hearty laugh) You're a funny little boy...Come on lets go find Farf…*hick*
Nagi: T.T
Michael Jackson: Oh blast I lost him…oh well…I have millions of other kids to molest…(Walks away)
On the other side of the club:
Farf: (Grinding with Bill….Clinton that is….O.O and is impossibly drunk)
Farf: (Realized who it is and jerks away) EWWWIES!! (Wipes off Bill germs)
Schu: (Spots Farf in the crowd) HEY FARF!
Farf: (Sees them and runs over) Oh man…you won't believe who I was dancing with…(Winces)
Schu: Brad Pitt?
Farf:…o.O WHERE?! *Burp*
Schu: What do you mean?
Farf: Brad Pitt is here?
Schu: (Getting excited) HE IS?
Farf: (Big smile) Where is he?
Schu: Who?
Farf: Brad Pitt!
Schu: O.O Brad Pitt is here?
Farf: Who?
Schu: Brad Pitt!!
Farf: OMG HE'S HERE!?
Nagi: (Smacks them upside the head) Shut up you two…I want to get out of here so lets go find Brad and vamoosh…
Farf/Schu: (Hesitantly agree)
Meanwhile:
Brad: (Making out with random dude)
Author: (Smirk) I LOVE YAOI!
Ok back to the story…
Brad: (Making out)
Random guy: Oh Brad I love you…
Brad: O.O WHAT? (Jerks up)
SUDDENLY….ONCE AGAIN-
Schu/Farf/Nagi burst in
Nagi: (Sees Brad half naked) BRAD!
Farf: (Sees Brad half naked) BRAD!
Schu: (Sees Brad half naked) Oh yum Brad…(grope grope)
Brad: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING THERE?!?!
Nagi: (Looks at random guy that Brad was kissing) Hey he looks familiar…
Schu: (looks at guy) Yeah he does.
Farf: (Looks down)…Hmm…where have we seen him before?
Brad: (laughs nervously) Didn't you guys want to get going…
Nagi: Yeah, but wait…lets figure out who this guys is…
Random guy: Well my name is…
Farf: DON'T TELL US!!! GIVE US TIME TO GUESS!
Random Guy: O.O
Schu: Who do we know that has longish brown hair…
Nagi: (Points to tattoo) and a tattoo!
Schu: (Nods) and a tattoo on his upper arm that says "sin"…and…
Farf: Green eyes…
Schu: yup…green eyes…
Brad: (Nervously fidgeting) Ummmm…can we GO NOW!
Nagi: We almost have it Crawford! Just give us one more minute!
Schu:…(Shakes head) I have no clue
Farf: Me either…I'm hungry…
Nagi: Me too…
Farf: Me three…
Schu: Me four…
Farf: (Frown) well me five six seven and eight!
Schu: ME NINE TEN AND ELEVEN!
Farf: ME THIRTEEN…..
Schu: Hey wait you forgot 12...
Farf: Who?
Schu: What?
Farf: Who did I forget?
Schu: Not who you forgot the number 12...as in 12 Monkeys as in the movie that BRAD PITT WAS IN!
Farf: BRAD PIT!
Schu: WHERE?!
End.
Epilogue:
Random guy: (Walking through the club)
Another random guy: Hey Youji wait up!
Youji: (Stops walking and turns around) Hey Ken.
Ken: We're heading home…O.o what happened to you?
Youji: (Puts arm around Ken) You won't believe the situation that I was just in…………
* *O.O That's my only warning about the new and improved Schwarz character designs…