Chapter Four - TLC Isn't Just Tender Loving Care, it's Therapuetic
Lifestyle Changes!
"That's funny," Jim said out of the blue. "I thought it was The Learning Channel!"
Enough of this prattle.
"Okay."
And so the plot (or lack thereof) continued - featuring a DRAMATIC chapter intro and illustration by the famous Mikey!
***DRAMATIC CHAPTER INTRO!***
High above the sky sat a big apple pie that had HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH hopes.
The author quickly took control of her hands and brain who had decided to go on strike.
High above the sky in a magical pirate-y boat sat Larry, Pa Grape and some other random vegetable. Along with Relient K, of course. They sang "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" to give the story a musical quality, then got sucked away into the black hole.
High above the sky in a very evil looking Darth Doughnut (See: ). Yes, that Darth Doughnut. A giant doughnut looking ship that hung in the sky right next to the gray looking blob that the creatures Gjhtiworwh called home. The Darth Doughnut housed the dreaded Evil Mutated Alien Pirate-y But Still Oh So Nazi Sheep. (Called the Nazi Sheep for short.)
These dreaded Nazi Sheep were horrid. They were white, fluffy fluffs of wool with spots of green throughout to add to the whole mutant effect. A patch lay over one eye. The dreaded Nazi Sheep wore their wool in dreadlocks because the author thought sheep would dreadlocks would be a rather amusing sight. On one shoulder sat a PARROT...no scratch that. BREAKING NEWS- there are no parrots on the Darth Doughnut. On one shoulder sat a penguin.
The author is content with the description. The plot can now enter.
***DRAMATIC CHAPTER INTRO OVER!***
Meanwhile, back on Treasure Planet, our characters were subject to a 504 Gateway Error that had them all in a bit of a panic.
"You know, that'll just mess up your day," Jim muttered. "Not that...being handcuffed to a whiny teenybopper with an identity crisis DOESN'T...but...yeah." The thought was going nowhere, so he tried to extricate himself from it with as much grace as was possible. (Not much was, it was rather like falling down the stairs - which is highly recommended, I may add).
He was ignored, not entirely unlike the silent yelling girl. Lillian and the boy were staring deep into each others' eyes.
"I...I'm Axver," the boy stuttered shyly, in a manner that would have been endering for anyone else but ended up as stupid coming from him.
"My name is Raven," she said. "I'm a Japanese Empress. I have eight sisters, but one drowned herself in the swimming pool."
Axver leaned closer to Lillian. "That's...terrible," he said. "I'll make sure nothing that terrible happens in my book. Nothing that terrible ever happens in Australia, either," he added arrogantly, hoping someone would inquire about his nationality.
Lillian stared deep into his beady little eyes. Their lips were nearly touching --
Suddenly there was a horrible sound, like that of a glob of doughnut icing with sprinkles hitting a planet at Very High Speeds. (My metaphors are nothing if not accurate). Axver and Lillian jerked apart, startled. The remains of Axver's spaceship were covered in a gooey pink substance, which just so happened to be a glob of doughnut icing.
"With sprinkles," Jim pointed out.
" !" yelled the camoflauge girl. No, don't worry, they couldn't tell what she said either.
The impact had scared the proverbial snot out of Axver, but he had to impress Lily. "In Australia," he said, "People don't shoot donuts at other people. We're KIND and LOVING." He noticed Jim staring at him, amused. "STOP LOOKING AT ME YOU MORON! I HATE YOU!"
"Love you too, shnookums. Don't be too kind now." Jim patted Axver on the head patronizingly and inspected the doughnut goo.
"Do you KNOW what this means?" he asked. It was semi-hypothetical, and his companions were none too clever, and so no answer was given.
"Do you know what this MEANS?" he tried again.
Nothing.
He peered at camoflauge girl, dragging Lily along with him. "Do YOU know what this means?"
She nodded eagerly.
"REALLY? What?"
" ," she explained, and added "*.*" for good measure.
"Remind me to kill you," Jim muttered, turning away from her idiocy and back to the doughnut bomb.
Suddenly there was a shriek as Lillian pieced together a new plot in her mind. "I KNOW WHAT THIS IS! I used to live in Candyland, in a doughnut casle, because I was the Royal Princess of--"
A glob of doughnut was shoved into her mouth mid-sentence. "Don't...speak," Jim said ominously.
Her eyes blazed angrily, which is a really rad phrase. She spat out the doughnut. "I'm LEAVING!" she snapped, spun on her heel, and began to march away. Half a step later, her bracelet jerked her back. Something inside her preteen brain snapped.
"I HATE YOU!" she sobbed hysterically - to Jim, to the bracelet, to the world at large. "I HATE YOU AND YOU ALL HATE ME! YOU'RE SO MEAN TO ME! I HATE YOU! JERK!" She pseudo-cussed him out, using %&#%* in the manner of 13- year-old children trying to look threatening.
"Do you feel powerful and daring now that you have used a threatening PERCENTAGE SIGN?" he wondered.
She wailed and began kicking and hitting the ground, crying and screaming. Her shrieks, Jim noted with some interest, sounded exactly like he'd suspected a cat would sound while sticking a fork in an electric socket with its tail caught in a blender. Not that he thought about it often, but upon hearing her shout, it was the first comparison that came to mind.
Still consumed with rage, Lillian reached for her bracelet with her free hand and yanked it off.
"I really should have thought of that," Jim said in awe.
"I HATE YOU!" she screamed again for good measure, and, still shrieking, took off into the forest.
As her cries faded, an awkward silence overtook the group. It was a logical series of events, truly.
"How DARE you!" the one called Axver attempted to glare intimidatingly at Jim. "You made her CRY! NO ONE makes my friends cry!"
"But I did!" he realized, rather proud of the accomplishment.
"You deserve to DIE PAINFULLY for that!" the boy ranted, his face turning an interesting shade of red. "You are worthless scum, you have no human decency, you--"
"Want you to shut up?"
" ," the invisible one muttered, and added a scathing, "*.*!" to the end.
"NO!" Axver screeched. "YOU--"
At that moment, another glob of icing was fired. It hit Axver square in the face. He wobbled comically for a moment, and then toppled over.
"That's funny," Jim said out of the blue. "I thought it was The Learning Channel!"
Enough of this prattle.
"Okay."
And so the plot (or lack thereof) continued - featuring a DRAMATIC chapter intro and illustration by the famous Mikey!
***DRAMATIC CHAPTER INTRO!***
High above the sky sat a big apple pie that had HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH hopes.
The author quickly took control of her hands and brain who had decided to go on strike.
High above the sky in a magical pirate-y boat sat Larry, Pa Grape and some other random vegetable. Along with Relient K, of course. They sang "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" to give the story a musical quality, then got sucked away into the black hole.
High above the sky in a very evil looking Darth Doughnut (See: ). Yes, that Darth Doughnut. A giant doughnut looking ship that hung in the sky right next to the gray looking blob that the creatures Gjhtiworwh called home. The Darth Doughnut housed the dreaded Evil Mutated Alien Pirate-y But Still Oh So Nazi Sheep. (Called the Nazi Sheep for short.)
These dreaded Nazi Sheep were horrid. They were white, fluffy fluffs of wool with spots of green throughout to add to the whole mutant effect. A patch lay over one eye. The dreaded Nazi Sheep wore their wool in dreadlocks because the author thought sheep would dreadlocks would be a rather amusing sight. On one shoulder sat a PARROT...no scratch that. BREAKING NEWS- there are no parrots on the Darth Doughnut. On one shoulder sat a penguin.
The author is content with the description. The plot can now enter.
***DRAMATIC CHAPTER INTRO OVER!***
Meanwhile, back on Treasure Planet, our characters were subject to a 504 Gateway Error that had them all in a bit of a panic.
"You know, that'll just mess up your day," Jim muttered. "Not that...being handcuffed to a whiny teenybopper with an identity crisis DOESN'T...but...yeah." The thought was going nowhere, so he tried to extricate himself from it with as much grace as was possible. (Not much was, it was rather like falling down the stairs - which is highly recommended, I may add).
He was ignored, not entirely unlike the silent yelling girl. Lillian and the boy were staring deep into each others' eyes.
"I...I'm Axver," the boy stuttered shyly, in a manner that would have been endering for anyone else but ended up as stupid coming from him.
"My name is Raven," she said. "I'm a Japanese Empress. I have eight sisters, but one drowned herself in the swimming pool."
Axver leaned closer to Lillian. "That's...terrible," he said. "I'll make sure nothing that terrible happens in my book. Nothing that terrible ever happens in Australia, either," he added arrogantly, hoping someone would inquire about his nationality.
Lillian stared deep into his beady little eyes. Their lips were nearly touching --
Suddenly there was a horrible sound, like that of a glob of doughnut icing with sprinkles hitting a planet at Very High Speeds. (My metaphors are nothing if not accurate). Axver and Lillian jerked apart, startled. The remains of Axver's spaceship were covered in a gooey pink substance, which just so happened to be a glob of doughnut icing.
"With sprinkles," Jim pointed out.
" !" yelled the camoflauge girl. No, don't worry, they couldn't tell what she said either.
The impact had scared the proverbial snot out of Axver, but he had to impress Lily. "In Australia," he said, "People don't shoot donuts at other people. We're KIND and LOVING." He noticed Jim staring at him, amused. "STOP LOOKING AT ME YOU MORON! I HATE YOU!"
"Love you too, shnookums. Don't be too kind now." Jim patted Axver on the head patronizingly and inspected the doughnut goo.
"Do you KNOW what this means?" he asked. It was semi-hypothetical, and his companions were none too clever, and so no answer was given.
"Do you know what this MEANS?" he tried again.
Nothing.
He peered at camoflauge girl, dragging Lily along with him. "Do YOU know what this means?"
She nodded eagerly.
"REALLY? What?"
" ," she explained, and added "*.*" for good measure.
"Remind me to kill you," Jim muttered, turning away from her idiocy and back to the doughnut bomb.
Suddenly there was a shriek as Lillian pieced together a new plot in her mind. "I KNOW WHAT THIS IS! I used to live in Candyland, in a doughnut casle, because I was the Royal Princess of--"
A glob of doughnut was shoved into her mouth mid-sentence. "Don't...speak," Jim said ominously.
Her eyes blazed angrily, which is a really rad phrase. She spat out the doughnut. "I'm LEAVING!" she snapped, spun on her heel, and began to march away. Half a step later, her bracelet jerked her back. Something inside her preteen brain snapped.
"I HATE YOU!" she sobbed hysterically - to Jim, to the bracelet, to the world at large. "I HATE YOU AND YOU ALL HATE ME! YOU'RE SO MEAN TO ME! I HATE YOU! JERK!" She pseudo-cussed him out, using %&#%* in the manner of 13- year-old children trying to look threatening.
"Do you feel powerful and daring now that you have used a threatening PERCENTAGE SIGN?" he wondered.
She wailed and began kicking and hitting the ground, crying and screaming. Her shrieks, Jim noted with some interest, sounded exactly like he'd suspected a cat would sound while sticking a fork in an electric socket with its tail caught in a blender. Not that he thought about it often, but upon hearing her shout, it was the first comparison that came to mind.
Still consumed with rage, Lillian reached for her bracelet with her free hand and yanked it off.
"I really should have thought of that," Jim said in awe.
"I HATE YOU!" she screamed again for good measure, and, still shrieking, took off into the forest.
As her cries faded, an awkward silence overtook the group. It was a logical series of events, truly.
"How DARE you!" the one called Axver attempted to glare intimidatingly at Jim. "You made her CRY! NO ONE makes my friends cry!"
"But I did!" he realized, rather proud of the accomplishment.
"You deserve to DIE PAINFULLY for that!" the boy ranted, his face turning an interesting shade of red. "You are worthless scum, you have no human decency, you--"
"Want you to shut up?"
" ," the invisible one muttered, and added a scathing, "*.*!" to the end.
"NO!" Axver screeched. "YOU--"
At that moment, another glob of icing was fired. It hit Axver square in the face. He wobbled comically for a moment, and then toppled over.