Diary ~
I think I am seasick.
It doesn't help that Meru is flitting around and asking me how can I possibly be sick of the sea, it's so beautiful! Yes, Meru, I know it's beautiful, but I am just seasick and I can't help it, okay? Can you please go away now?
Okay, she's gone. The ship is a hunk of metal and wood nailed together and I keep thinking that it's going to fall apart in the middle of the ocean. I mean, I know how to swim, seeing as how I grew up in Rouge, which is close to the ocean, but I don't like big ships. The captain, Puler, reassures me that the ship is very safe and will never fall apart unless we purposefully drop a hundred cannonballs on it. I think he might have been exaggerating a little.
His assistant Kayla, a little girl that might be his daughter or niece, told me that it might help me if I went onto the deck or walked around to take my mind off of the seasickness. So I did. I'm sitting on deck writing this right now.
No one else is getting seasick. Lucky them.
I spoke to Kongol first; he was in the boiler room, watching as the workers tossed shovels of coal into the furnace. He offered to help but they ignored him. He seemed upset by this.
"It's just routine." I told him.
"Routine?"
"People feel like they have to follow a certain and direct path during the day. If something goes wrong, they can't stand it and they go all crazy. Can I ask you a question, Kongol?"
When he agreed, I asked him why he fought for Emperor Doel. He said it was because Emperor Doel had saved his life and he owed him gratitude and a debt.
"How are you doing now?" I asked him
"Kongol fine. Thank you for questions."
Knowing that he probably wouldn't talk much more, I found Meru, who always wanted to talk. Maybe a bit too much. She spoke about a lot of things until she made me get a headache worse than the seasickness, so I excused myself and found Albert.
He told me about the importance of the Moon Gem, how it was an heirloom for the throne of Serdio, and he needed to get it back. We spoke about the Dragon Campaign for a while, but then Puler came in to talk to him, so I had to go find Father. He was lying on a relatively clean spot on the deck. Ignoring a wave of nausea, I sat down to talk to him.
"Seeing the ocean reminds me of Rouge." He said, staring up at the clouds. "I haven't seen Rouge for a while. Do you miss it?"
"I haven't been home in twenty years, Father. Of course I miss it. How has everyone been doing?"
He told me about some of my friends, about the people in Rouge. Rouge is a very small town, so we knew everyone, and it was interesting listening to what happened to them, except for Tara, who had disappeared into the forest when she left. I didn't know her too well, but she had seemed like a good person. It was always the good people who died. Or maybe others only cared about the good people, so that's why they were remembered in their deaths.
"Are you going to go back to Rouge?" I asked Father. "When this is over, I mean?"
"I don't know. I left Rouge to find you. Now that I've found you, I'm not sure what to do. Are you going to go back to Rouge?"
"I will, but I don't know for how long. I guess Dart's getting too old to spend his days with his mother, and he's grown now, so I won't be afraid to leave him by himself. And Shana…most likely she'll end up with Dart. That takes care of the children, which leaves me free. I think I might go back to Rouge for a while, then travel the world for a while, and back to Neet to pay my respects to the dead, and perhaps I'll live the rest of my life in Rouge. I am getting old, after all."
"I'm your father. I'm older, and I'm still running around, aren't I?"
"Has Rouge changed at all?"
"No. We're still very isolated."
I nodded. "Excuse me, Father. I'm going to go talk to Rose."
It took me a while to find Rose, no surprise there. Meru told me that she was in the crow's nest, and I pulled myself up there, not liking the swaying at all.
"You mind want to try a couple of the Purifiers." Rose said without turning around. "Being seasick isn't fun at all."
"I can't imagine you seasick."
"It was eleven thousand years ago. After so much time, a girl tends to get rid of bodily imperfections. Is there something wrong, or did you just want to talk?"
"Just wanted to talk. How are things going? Still being secretive to everyone?"
"Yes. You're not a Dragoon; therefore, you've no obligations to stay with us, so I can tell you the truth. This choker around my neck is what has been keeping me alive. With it, I cannot die. I am immortal, which is both a gift and a curse. I miss my friends, the other Original Dragoons. I miss my Dragon and I miss being praised. Did you know that the seven of us were hailed as heroes? There were always people adoring us, helping us with little things. I loved that attention. But as time passed by, people forgot about the Dragon Campaign and it became dangerous to reveal my secret. In eleven thousand years I've slid from a praised hero into a nobody, a shadow-woman, barely alive. It seems like a long time, but with this choker, time crawls by in one long moment. I don't know time anymore."
I listened to her, understanding, but staying silent.
"You and Dart are the only ones who escaped from Neet, yes?"
"Yes. That I know of." It was uncomfortable talking about Neet. I kept that part of the past buried.
"How did you escape anyway? The Black Monster leaves no survivors."
"We ran and hid on top of a hill, in a secret cave hidden by the bushes. We waited until the Black Monster left. When we came out, everyone was dead."
"I'm sorry."
"You lost someone to the Black Monster too, didn't you?"
"Yes, someone very close to me. But I can't talk about who. It's too painful." Rose nodded. "Eleven thousand years. I lose many people to the Black Monster." She paused for a long time. "You know, you're the first friend I've had in a long time, Claire. Thanks."
She stayed silent even longer this time that I thought that maybe it was her way of telling me to leave, so I started to climb down the ladder. But she spoke, desperately. "I want us to stay friends, Claire. I'm sorry."
I didn't understand what she meant, didn't understand the pleading in her eyes. But it scared me, and I wanted to get out of there. "We'll stay friends, Rose." And I leapt down the rest of the ladder, in my hurry to get away.
"Mom!" Dart ran up to me. "How are you feeling?"
"Better. Kayla said I should walk around, maybe talk to people to get my mind off things. Is something wrong?"
"Mom, I don't remember Neet. Or Dad."
That upset me. I sat down with him under the ladder and talked to him about what kind of town Neet was, about his father. He asked me about the Black Monster, but I couldn't tell him anything, and he suggested that we go to talk to Rose. Why not?
"Hello, Dart. Claire." The desperation was gone, replaced by the shadow-woman, as she called herself.
"Um…can you tell us anything about the Black Monster?"
Rose turned around, glanced at me quizzically before replying to Dart, "Unfortunately, I have nothing to tell you. What I know is what most other people know."
She was lying. She knew something. I know that, I can see the way her eyes keep flickering between the two of us and the way she shields herself. But what could I do about it?
She continued, becoming heated. "What are you going to do when you catch him anyway? Are you going to kill him to avenge your father? Will that satisfy your feelings?"
Her question took my son by surprise. "I don't know. I…I haven't really thought about it. I kept thinking that maybe I would kill him, but I'm not sure if I would be able to. Maybe the Black Monster had difficulties too."
"Maybe." Rose said shortly. "Let me tell you this, from my years. Revenge keeps going around in a circle. Survivors take revenge for the dead, on both sides, so that it keeps going and going and it never stops. Revenge will not satisfy anything in you. It won't stop the animal within, and it will never stop the voices in your head. Vengeance, fighting, war…" She looked as if she was going to laugh. "We are both Dragoons, you and I, Dart. We understand the power of the Dragon Knights. But we don't understand the source of it. War, fighting… these things are not part of human nature. Humans make themselves fight by entering insanity. Revenge is the same thing. We are driven insane and blinded by our own hate and grief that we seek revenge. The Dragoon Spirit is only something to help amplify the insanity. Insanity is the source of the power for the Dragoons!"
Her little speech unnerved Dart as much as it did me. I clutched at the railing, something inside me unfolding.
"I didn't know that." Dart said calmly. "But when we are finished with Lloyd, I will set off again on my quest for the Black Monster. When I find the Black Monster, then I will decide what to do. Perhaps in meeting him, I will learn something different."
Rose turned her back to us, staring at the ocean again, and I took that as a sign to leave, so Dart and I both left. Dart said he had to talk to Kongol, so I headed onto the deck to write. Shana's here, on the side, humming a song to the seagulls. My song, my lullaby that I had taught to her and Dart. I wonder if she will teach it t