Diary ~

My respect for the queen has heightened since I watched how she took charge.

She led all the people into the town square and gave a speech that calmed them. But once she said that they needed to leave, the crowd exploded in anger. While the guards kept them back, Queen Theresa waited bravely while they tired themselves before calming them again. This time they remained so. The queen moved them quickly, quietly, and skillfully.

So now I am part of the group headed for Neet.

A burly man with a kind smile carries Shana so that I can fight. Villagers have armed themselves with swords and pipes and bows and pots, whatever they could find and use. There are a number of capable fighters, and it would take some pretty stupid monsters to attack large groups such as this one, so our journey has been safe so far. There is no sign of the Dragon anywhere.

We have parted ways with the queen, Wink, and most of the Royal Guards and civilians at the road that led to Fueno and the Queen of Fury. The road turned craggy, complaints grew, and night fell. The wind is ice cold. Torches were lit for light and warmth but still people wailed.

"Soa, my house. I had mahogany furniture!"

"So did I. Shut up."

"It's cold here."

I keep massaging her temples, desperately trying to get relief. Good luck.

"I'm hungry."

"I hate this snow."

"My feet hurt."

"Miss Claire, I don't think she's getting any better." Lars, the man carrying Shana, always speaks so quietly that I have to lean in to hear.

Shana is still moaning and twisting violently, twisting like she was possessed. She is bathed in sweat. Poor girl, working herself so hard.

"She is worse than before. She needs to rest. This journey is too much for her." It is true. Shana has always been physically weak, and every disease, every cold she caught, weakened her further. My poor dear child…

"Why is it so dark?"

"I'm keeping her as steady as I can, ma'am."

"It's too cold."

"I know, Lars. It's not your fault."

"I'm hungry."

"I wish I had my library here."

"This is so awful. I'm tired and hungry."

"Shut up, the lot of you!"

Silence. I suppose I shouldn't have screamed that loudly at them. I mean, none of them are speaking to me now, not really. I get cold stares a lot. But it was well past time that I said something.

"I know that it's dark and cold and that you're tired and hungry. I know that you've just been through a lot, but complaining about it won't help."

Then this stupid woman mutters, "What would you know? You're an outsider."

I am whirling on her with the same ferocity that I had shown bullies that pushed Dart. The fury of a wildcat provoked. I suppose the Rouge arts have given me a sort of arrogance I would not have found elsewhere. "Wrong. The Black Monster destroyed my home years ago, and we're heading there right now. This girl here, the one that saved our lives, is dying and she's like a daughter to me. Don't tell me that I know nothing about loss." I could feel uneasiness around me by then, so I softened my voice and told them something that I kept telling myself those last few years in Rouge. "I know things look really bad right now, but you still have your lives and with that, you can start over. Complaining about it doesn't help. It only slows us down and depresses us. Try to think up. Please. We have injured and we need to get to Neet as quickly and comfortably as possible."

So I have rattled off my big mouth and now none of them are talking to me. But we have quickened the pace and we will be at Neet soon. In the next few hours, I hope. I am not sure how much longer Shana can hold on.

Neet is in ruins.

I had expected nothing more or less, but it still broke my heart to see the charred houses, darkened skeletons of homes, the cozy feeling gone. I see where the blacksmith used to toil day and night, where the weaver worked on her beautiful cloaks, where Zieg and I lived. It was so painful. I bit my lower lip and lead them to the tunnels. It was cold and dank, but it was a place to stay.

Complaints began once again, but this time it was Luanna that eased them, speaking soothingly and sometimes singing. Lars was appointed to watch over Shana, and Setie worked with me as nurses. Shana would have done a better job, with her medical wisdom and knowledge, but she is among the worst injured.

I had much trouble helping the villagers because they saw me as an outsider and do not appreciate my outburst in the woods. But I had been very patient, and after healing a few people, they came to love me. I am glad to help, but I cannot help the one who needs me most. I wonder if she is lost in herself.

We have not lost any people, thank goodness, but many are still not doing well, Shana among them.

Shana. That girl is going to give me a heart attack one of these days. The gray hairs on my head come from worrying about her and my son. Eesh. We put snow on her to lower her fever, and her breathing has slowed somewhat, but she is still not to be moved.

My arm has started hurting again. It has been numb since we left Deningrad, but it comes back greater now, so I took a break and made myself a sling. It is cold but I need to do this. To sit here.

In front of Zieg's grave.

It is an empty grave, I know. I could not find the body. Not surprising; the Black Monster's power destroys some completely.

And as I sat there, praying for peace, crying, I hated Rose.

I hated in her a way words could not describe.

I immediately regret it, feeling guilty. Rose has her reasons for killing. She felt the worse of us all. She told me so herself.

"Have you ever lost anyone to the Black Monster?"

"Yes. Someone very close to me."

Only now do I realize she was talking about herself.

I am so deeply absorbed in my thoughts, I do not realize Luanna settling next to me until she speaks.

"Thinking of the past?"

"Always. My husband died here."

"As did my mother."

We grieve in silence. Words are unnecessary. I understand her pain and she understands mine.

Zieg. I should have gone with you. I write that with my mind thinking, but then how would I have watched my son grow up, watched Shana grow up, have all these memories, met Lloyd, resolved things with Father?

Bah. Forget it. It is impossible to question and 'what if' the past.

"Do you hate it? Do you hate the Black Monster?"

I thought of Rose when she asked that, though of Rose's sad, sad gray eyes, red mouth pursed in forced silence, the cuts on the inside of her forearms. No, she has suffered herself to live. "No, I don't." I had replied.

Luanna nodded. "It is strange. Neither do I. I don't know why. Maybe I simply cannot hate."

"That's good."

I am useless.

We were silent for a while before hearing footsteps. I had jumped up ready to defend the blind girl, but it was only Lars. He was out of breath and panicking. He told me I needed to come back.

Worried, I asked if it was Shana.

"No, ma'am. It's Sister Setie."

Luanna screamed, reached for my hand. I took it and flew. The underground tunnels are colder than usual and we follow the yells to a crowd of people, which I quickly chase away before looking. Luanna screamed for me to tell her what happened. I knew I shouldn't have—I knew I would regret the look of despair and horror on her face—but I was shocked too, and responded like a robot.

"Setie is on the floor, lying on her back. She is in pain. There is blood around her. She's bleeding from her side. Oh, Setie, why didn't you say anything?" I removed her cardigan and shirt to inspect the wound. It was deep and still bleeding. I remember seeing a rag there. She had tried to staunch the wound herself.

Such a brave little soul.

"I didn't want to be trouble." She whispers.

I did my best, I can swear that I did, but halfway through, she grabs my hand and shakes her head, pigtails moving over her shoulders to fall to the floor. "It won't help. I'm leaving. Where's Luanna?"

Luanna had been silent, her eyes a blank and faraway look that has nothing to do with blindness. She came over and took Setie's hand. The two Sacred Sisters exchanged whispered words and tears, and Luanna gives a sobbing laugh and started to sing.

I write this now and I can still hear her singing. It sounds like a hymn. It must have some history between the two. I know that Luanna was sent here after Neet. Perhaps she grew up with Setie. Gods. So much pain…

The singing has stopped.

Luanna came back to say that Setie departed, then felt her way around a corner to sit and weep silently.

I've just finished the burial rituals, placing her body by the countless others that have died here.

Why am I so useless? I should have seen her limping on the way here, seen the hand that kept pressing to her side, the pain on her face.

I know it is not my fault, but it does not help take away any of this misery.

It is like wherever I am, there is carnage and pain and strife.

Such is human nature.

Pain.

What am I going to tell the other Sisters? The Queen?

Setie was so brave. She didn't want to inconvenience anyone else, so she kept her silence. She wanted me to help others, wanted to help others, and in that, gave her life. A true Sacred Sister, a kind soul that deserves rest.

I wonder how many of those are out there?