The grass beneath her knees was fresh and young, knowing nothing of the grief she was feeling. Grass knew nothing about anything, or at least it pretended as much. Who knew what plants really thought or knew? Who had the patience, the time and the resources to delve into the mind of a blade of grass? Ginny did not; she was too busy running her hands over the cold tombstone, wondering why something so frozen and formal could be asked to tell the world about the man who was buried under it. Remus had not been cold or formal. He had been wonderful, loving, warm…her everything. Now all that remained of him was a broken heart, a body and these words engraved on a slab of marble:
Born: December the 12; 1960
Died: October the 31; 2001
Beloved of Virginia
Best Defence against the Dark Arts Teacher Hogwarts ever had.
Fell in the Final Battle
Rest in Peace
A warm hand was placed on her shoulder. Sirius Black. It was not a surprise to see him there. He had loved both Remus and Harry and he paid his respects every day, just like she did. They had a lot in common now. If they had been complete opposites previously, the Final Battle had welded them together. For better or worse. It was two months since Voldemort died and Ginny was still so out of it she barely remembered to eat. It was only through friends like Sirius that she kept going.
He looked like she felt. His face was pale and wan, gaunt and white. His eyes were haunted, just as she knew hers were. There was something about him; he seemed completely empty of emotion. For Sirius, someone as passionate as he had been, this was scary. He had cried out all of his feelings in the first week. He smiled and laughed so rarely...
The victory had been a hollow one, Ginny thought as she got to her feet. So many had died and the battleground was a mess. Survivors like her had to spend their days helping people put their lives back together. It was so hypocritical for her to do that, after all, the remains of her life were in shattered shards in a dustbin somewhere.
'Sirius, do you ever think we'll get over it?'
He pulled her towards him, feeling the small warmth her body gave him. It was just a reminder of the fact our bodies keep running even if inside we feel broken and hurt. Her rich, long, red hair was being tugged by the wind, trying to free it from the practical bun she kept it in. Sirius tucked some behind her ear and nodded, keeping his eyes on her cheeks, rosy from the cold and nothing else.
'Baby, you know we will. It'll take time and pain and sometimes we'll feel terrible, but we can get through this.'
'Without him I'm always twenty minutes late. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't even get to work without him...' She choked on a small sob and pressed her face to his chest. Ginny had analysed all of her tears; she had enough experience now to know them all. These were the sort that ached when they came out, making your throat painfully tight so you could not swallow properly.
Sirius rubbed her back, letting her soak his shirt with tears. At least she was not punching him as she had when she saw Remus take the Death Curse for Harry. There had been bruises, but he could not distinguish them from the ones he had sustained earlier that day. Ginny pulled herself together and looked at him.
'Can we knock down this tombstone? Remus should have more than this rock. I want people to know how brilliant he was. I want people to know that werewolves are misunderstood and that some have wit and charm and can love people and make them believe that they are worth the time of day...' she trailed off again, realising she was rambling about the way Remus had made her feel.
'Of course, Ginny. Anything.'
'Anything...' Ginny repeated in a whisper and took his hand. Together they went to Harry's large and flashy memorial. Thousands of tax dollars had been used to make it, and it was gaudy and horrible. Harry would have hated it, especially if he knew how much it had cost.
Eventually they had to go home, as the cemetery had to close and they both had homes to go to. There was the cold, lifeless apartment that Ginny once shared with Remus. They had bought it, fixed it up and lived in it, making it home. Now it seemed like a place to sleep for Ginny. Sirius had the house he had bought on a splurge of happiness when he found out he was pardoned. It was just as empty as the flat as Harry had lived there. Harry and Remus. Both dead and making their lives miserable just because of it.
She had run a long, hot bath and soaked in it well after the point of turning into a prune. The water had made her relax, especially since she added lavender and other essential oils, but there was no one to brush out all the knots in her hair afterwards. Her slippers were on her feet, making them toasty warm. It was still easy to forget that Remus was gone. He was not on an errand for Dumbledore. He was dead and gone.
In front of her now was a Muggle invention, deadly yet strangely alluring. Remus had received it from her father as a sign of acceptance. Arthur had had no idea it was a gun until he shot himself in the foot with it giving it over.
Ginny took the gun in her hand, feeling the heaviness and the smooth handle that fitted her hand with ease. Her index finger rested upon the trigger without even thinking. As she raised the gun to her head, to place on her temples, she could catch the smell of Filibuster Fireworks, the wet start ones Fred and George loved so much. Without any more waiting, she put the cold metal barrel to her skin, above the eyes and to the side.
Don't Ginny!
She frowned. What was Remus doing in her head? 'Remus?'
Yes
'You left me.'
I know
'I miss you.'
I know. He sounded sadder this time. Please don't.
'I want to be with you. I love you.'
You can't be with me. I won't let you. I did what I had to because otherwise Harry would have died and You-Know-Who would still be alive. You need to live Ginny because you make this world so beautiful. You are stunning. I love you so much that I've disturbed several people's rests just by pacing as I was watching you.
'I love you.'
I love you too. And I love our child.
'Our child?'
You aren't looking after yourself, are you Ginny? You haven't noticed something missing.
'Oh no!'
It'll be alright.
'I'm pregnant?'
Yes.
'Me?'
You
'Remus!'
Be strong. Live for the baby and me.
'How can I? I can't raise it by myself.'
You are so strong, Ginny. You can do it.
'I don't want to. You should be here, fixing the mess you made.' She did not want to get angry with him, but how could he tell her to raise a child all by herself?
I'm sorry.
'I know, Remus. I'm sorry.'
I wish I were there.
'I wish you were here too.' Ginny paused, then changed the topic. 'What was death like?'
Painful. Live Ginny, live.
'I will.' She lowered the gun and placed it on the table. 'Sirius misses Harry. And you.'
We both miss you both. Sirius would be taking this hard, wouldn't he? Harry was like a son to him. Ginny...
'Yes...'
Don't say no at first. Hear me out. You need someone to help you raise the child, right?
'Right.'
And Sirius needs someone to help him get over Harry's death. You both do, really. What would you say if I told you I wanted you to be with Sirius?
'NO!'
Ginny...
'NO! I will not! I love you, Remus! I won't...I won't...'
Ginny, I know you do but loving me is not going to help. It will not care for our child. Sirius can, he does make an excellent father figure. You can love him, I can feel it. You care for him deeply and you know that. It scares you, but you love him.
'How can you say that?'
Because it's true, Ginny. Remember me, but go with Sirius. You both need it.
'I love you.'
I love you...and our baby. Be careful.
And then just as suddenly as he had arrived in her mind, he departed. Ginny was shivering and whether it was over the information she had just received or the cool night breeze blowing through the window, she did not know. She rose to close the curtains, and on her way back she picked up some Floor powder. Soon Sirius' head appeared in the flames.
'Ginny, are you alright? You look dreadful. No one attacked you, did they?'
'No, no, Sirius. I'm fine. Can...can you come over?'
'Sure. Just let me get my coat.'
A few moments later Ginny had Sirius seated on one of the couches and was telling him everything Remus had said, leaving out the parts where he was pushing her into a relationship with him. By the end of it, Sirius had fixed them some nightcaps and was gazing at her. 'I can't believe you were going to shoot yourself, Ginny.'
She looked uncomfortable. 'I'm sorry, Sirius.'
'Sorry? Gods, Ginny...you don't know how much that would mess me up, having you die too. You are the only one I feel close to now. We have suffered so much loss...you mean the world to me.'
A faint blush appeared on her cheeks. 'I am sorry, Sirius. It would have been a kick in the teeth for you after all the time you've spent consoling me.'
'Kick in the teeth, my arse. I would have been pissed. After being thoroughly devastated, mind you.'
For a brief moment they both smiled.
Her eyes wide with shock, Ginny said softly: 'You smiled.'
'You smiled.' Sirius replied, equally stunned.
'Thank you for coming here tonight.' She stood and he copied her, receiving a hug as he did. 'I really needed to tell someone about what happened.'
'I don't mind at all, Ginny.'
'Remus would have wanted you to have a hand in raising this baby...'
He touched her cheek. 'And what do you want?'
'I...I want you, Sirius.'
The words were said softly and hesitantly. Ginny was reeling at herself, not really having believed she would actually go ahead and say it. Once out, if was easy to see that it was the truth. Underneath all the pain and love for Remus, she did love Sirius. Remus was her husband. Was.
'Ginny?' he asked, cocking his head to the side.
'Remus suggested you as the father for this baby and the offer is there if you want it.' It was said through clenched teeth. How long would he make her put her feelings on the table?
'He's only been dead for two months. There are still newspaper reports about the Final Battle, and he wants me to take his place in your heart? That does not sound fair for you.'
'Sirius, I love Remus, I don't think I'll ever stop loving him. When you've loved someone as much and as deeply as I did, you just can't get over it. But I think I love you too, and for whole different reasons. We've gotten close now,' she smiled 'and you helped me through this.' For the final part in her short speech, she lowered her eyes to his T-Shirt. It was Muggle and cotton and had two cartoon characters that Ginny had seen once. "Beep, beep now, ya bastard" said the Coyote. The road runner was tied up. She continued: "I was passionately in love with him, but with you it may take some time."
Sirius took her in his arms again and kissed her forehead. 'I do love you, Ginny, and I would be honoured.'
'No, I would be.'
Author's Notes: Perhaps this should be under Sirius/Ginny, but I only had them tied together because Sirius is my next fave character. I really wanted to have a fic under RL/GW and here 'tis. Yay.