OPENING SCENE:
Jeezus is sitting on the couch with his legs stretched out on the coffee table. He is brushing his hair hoping to use enough hot oil to hide his split ends.
Kbo approaches from the foyer.
KBO: I cannot believe this mess. The party is but three months away and I have not a thing to wear.
JEEZUS: My dad, woman! I have a few issues here that are a bit more important than your pathetic selection of garbatry! I... HAVE... SPLIT... ENDS... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Jeezus Begins crying like a bitch)
***CUT SCENE TO SPINNER'S DINER
We see spinner in the kitchen counting frozen dinners.
SPINNER: Fifty-six, fifty-seven (FOOTSTEPS ARE HEARD COMING TOWARD THE KITCHEN ... Spinner quickly throws a towel over the pile of frozen dinners)
(c-bring enters the kitchen. He has a severe limp and a hump on his back)
C-BRING: Heeeeellloooo Mastah... Vhut ess thy bidding.
SPINNER: I am in the misdtssth... ugh... in the middle of preparing a very special and SECRET recipe for the party that is to take place in three months. I need my privacy for the moment.
C-BRING: (pulling at the towel) Oh Dearuh... Vhut is this muh mastah?
SPINNER: OH you evil evil creature... GO... GO away GO AWAY NOW! (C-Bring slunkers out of the room) Oh... Oh my... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Spinner Begins crying like a bitch)
(Dramatic Music)
(Commercial Break)
To be continued....
(end commercial break)
Opening: D's Kitchen. Cooking utensils are everywhere and "raw" material is spread out all over the counters. Piles of recipe books are open all over the place.
D: Damn that Spinner. My cooking is fan-tab-ulous... but somehow... some way... she always finds a way to upstage me.
(Pat the WebHead enters the kitchen in a leather G-string and wrist straps. He is wearing a ball gag in his mouth.)
PAT: UGHLLMPPhhn mmuubble Luarphhhpppt!
D: Honey... you are so much cuter when you don't try to speak... so SHADDUP!
PAT: PHALLLMMMPPHHH ARRGHHH UPPPHHHH UUULAAAAAH!
D: WHAT? The milk is sour? OH NO! How could this happen... the party is but three months away... NO NO NO... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (D Begins crying like a bitch)
***CUT SCENE TO MISSY'S KITCHEN
MISSY: (she is rifling through a cook book) Eggs Benedict, Poached eggs, Eggs Stroganoff, Eggs Creole... UGH... No "Fried Eggs"... Crowd... get in here, please!
(crowd enters the room)
CROWD: What's up?
MISSY: The party is but three months away and I need to learn to cook a fried egg, but I can't find a recipe in any of these stoopit books.
CROWD: Hmmm... maybe we can find a recipe on the Internet.
MISSY: There's not enough time... I only have three months... *sob* I don't know how to fry a stoopit egg... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Missy Begins crying like a bitch)
CROWD: (wearing an evil grin) Don't worry... you shall learn to fry an egg... and then we'll show them... WE'LL SHOW THEM ALL... BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA... and they will all pay!
(commercial break)
(end commercial break)
Opening: Fu's Forbidden Fortress... King Fu sits on a throne made of Salami and Salmon carved into the shape of a large salamander. King Fu is puffing on a big cigar.
FU: My plan is coming together so nicely. All the greatest chefs of the world will be at the benefit party that is but three months away. I cleverly disguised my ruse as a benefit party to lure these great chefs to cook their greatest dishes for me. I shall take these dishes and offer them to the monstrosity know as the dreaded SoopDragon and lure him under my control so that I... Baron Von Lucille FundaFu Bethesdal Merringham ... The Third!... can RU-ELL THE WORLD!!!!
(a Hot Swedish chick with a nice ass and a great rack enters the room)
(The part of the hot Swedish chick will be played by a faceless whore who wants to make it big in Hollywood and is willing to sleep with the director in order to land a small and meaningless part that she will hope get her discovered)
SWEDISH CHICK: Every thing is coming to frui... fruita... Things are good Master Fu... shall I take my top off and massage you with oils now?
FU (Big Evil Grin): YESSsssss!
***** Cut Scene to Dimension X
(CPK is throwing a tantrum... or having a fit while Nos stares stoically into the abyss)
CPK: FUCK FUCK FUCK... FUCK FU... FUCK SPINNER... FUCK JEEZUS... FUCK'EM ALL... AND FUCK YOU
NOS: You do realize that this party that is but three months away is just a clever ploy by FU to lure all the greatest chefs of the world to cook their best dishes so that he can steal them and offer them to the dreaded SoopDragon in order to lure him under Fu's control so that King Fu can attempt to take over the world. Have you ever noticed that people like that often are so transparent, but the people of the world are so fucking stupid that they don't realize it? Most people are too fucking hung up in their own little world's that they can't see some cheesy world domination plot that is right in front of their face. Take Bubbles for example... that fucking bitch is so fucking stupid that I bet she makes extras of what ever overly fattening dish she cranks out of her trailer park stove in order to bring to this shindig. Fucking morons.
CPK: FUCK FUCK FUCK... or something
(commercial break)
(end commercial break)
Opening: High atop the JaffeSld Productions Building in downtown in the plush apartment of Jaffe and Jen
JAFFE: THAT BASTARD! AAAAAARGH... I should kill him for such insurrection. Such insult, such vile vehement verminous vafrousness.
JEN: What's wrong, hon?
JAFFE: This... FU-Fie person. He has devised a clever scheme to lure all the greatest chefs of the world to create their best dishes so that he may offer it to the dreaded SoopDragon. Then King Fu will control the dreaded SoopDragon and thusly be in an advantageous position to take over the world.
JEN: Bummer
JAFFE: HAVE YOU GONE MAAAAAAD?!? I am but four months away from positioning Myself to become ruler of the world.
JEN: Ummm... and?
JAFFE: VILE WENCH... Do you not pay attention any to MEEEEEEE? This... PARTY... this... thing... this... shindig... is but THREE months away. If he succeeds... he shall beat me to the "proverbial" punch.
JEN: Ah. So that explains why you've been so cranky.
JAFFE: Well... that and we ran out of Bac-Oh's and my Kraft Cheese and Macaroni doesn't taste the same without them.
JEN: Gotcha!
JAFFE: If the guys down at the Megalomaniacs Association find out about this... it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Jaffe Begins crying like a bitch)
***Cut Scene
Meanwhile at the Dark-Fire Lair...
FIRESITE: Here... taste this
DARKONE: No... you taste it
FIRESITE: Look you flaming pick stickler... taste it or I fucking pistol whip your pansy ass again!
DARKONE: Yeah like that will happen
(FIRESITE pulls out a Desert Eagle and pistol whips DARKONE into a bloody pile on the floor... DARKONE begins to cry like a bitch)
FIRESITE: NOW... fucking taste this.
DARKONE: Hmmm.. Not bad.
FIRESITE: NOT BAD? This party is but three months away... I don't want an opinion... I need your creative input.
DARKONE: Well... it could use more pepper... or... We could put rat poison in it like we did last time!
FIRESITE: Rat poison?
DARKONE: Yeah... that benefit charity we cooked for last month... I put rat poison in... I figured it was for the parents of all those retards. Figured... if they all had retards, that meant they had flawed DNA and they all needed to die.
FIRESITE: OH NO! If this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Firesite Begins crying like a bitch)
(commercial break)
(end commercial)
Opening: Little Little Italy... we enter Joey Bagadonutz's kitchen
JOEY: HEY... Pastavanni, parmagana... Gretta GarBONE-EH! GABBAGOUL!
TTONY: What duh fuck didjou juzz say?
JOEY: AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA... I'm just fuckin with you man! Pass me some Oregano!
TTONY: I tells ya... ain't nobody... NOBODY gonna tops dis here pasta dish we's got goin on!
JOEY: People love de Italian, man.
RJ: Uh... guys... Don't you think that maybe... just maybe... a few of these people might recognize that your dishes all taste very similar to Chef Boyardi?
TTONY: HEY... RJ... why don't you go screws yourself, eh?
JOEY: Ain't nobody gonna figure it out. Besides... if we pour enough rum in this sonnuvabitch... they be too drunk to tell.
RJ: All I'm sayin is that the party is three months aways... maybe you could try actually cooking something.
TTONY: And yuh mutha was a humpbacked whore!
JOEY: AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Benificianado! Prego Preggo! Bounjoulie!
TTONY: Hey, Joey... didja hears what I just told him? I says "And yuh mutha was a humpbacked whore!"
********DISCLAIMER********* The preceding line was based on a characteristic of a character in the Sapronos ***************************
RJ: (soliloquy) I hope these guys don't find out I'm not really Italian... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (RJ Begins crying like a bitch)
****Cut scene
We enter into Hotpants' kitchen
RHOADRUNNER: WHOAAAAA! Whoa whoa whoa... Ummm... shouldn't that be "Paul's Kitchen"
Uh... who's writing this fucking thing?
RHOADRUNNER: Well, you are, but if you want it to be at least half ass accurate like it's been so far... It should be my kitchen... I'm the one stuck cooking the fuckin turkey's all the time. I coat that bastard with 12... that's one more than the Colonel ever had... 12 herbs and spices... I dunk it in the oil and wait all day until it reaches the peak of perfection. I got skills, fucker!
Quit whining and get back to the scene!
RHOADRUNNER: Look you assbag... I'm not doing the scene unless it's Paul's Kitchen.
Oh... You'll do the scene and if you don't get back in there and do it now... you'll end up in a love scene... WITH GEORGE!
RHOADRUNNER: Uh... Hotpants' kitchen it is then! (Rhoadrunner Begins crying like a bitch)
(commercial break)
(end commercial)
Across town at the Four Building:
COOLGRLJEN: Oh my gawd-uh... Thisch drummer is schoe hot... I love Mtv... Almoscht asch musch as I love my leather pantsch... HEY... what the fuck is this?
What do you mean?
COOLGRLJEN: This is just a bit too many clichés. I mean... COME ON.
I clichéd the fuck out of everyone else... why should it be different for you?
COOLGRLJEN: Well... at least give me a guy that's HOT-DUH! I mean you gave Fu that Schwedisch Schlut!
Ok... I promise in one of the later scenes I'll add some guy that you consider "Hot-duh"
COOLGRLJEN: Hee hee... Cool!
(Synch calls from the kitchen)
SYNCH: Is any one gonna help out with this?
(LoonE2n darts across the room)
LOONE2N: IwannastirIwannastirlemmestircanistiriwannastirletmestirletme OH OH OH... me me me letmestir
SYNCH: Here... sheesh.
COOLGRLJEN: HEY... wait... How come your not making fun of her?
Well... long story... besides... she said it herself... she's quirkless.
COOLGRLJEN: Nuh-uh... she dances like Natalie Merchant.
SYNCH: Uhm... that's not really a quirk.
(Rockstar Mike enters the room singing something under his breath.)
LOONE2N: Whatchasinging huh huh huh whatchasinging????
ROCKSTAR MIKE: That stupid Garth Brookes song... I am never going to Karaoke again. I can't sing anything but that stupid song... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RU... OH NO you don't... if you write that I cry... I kick your ass... Deal?
You guys are not easy to work with. I think I'll just change the scene!
***Cut scene****
We now enter Wolvie's Kitchen... there are stains everywhere...
(commercial break)
(end commercial)
We now enter a cave where two sisters... both of them bitche... ummm... witches... are stirring a boiling pot.
LILBIT: Boil Boil Troil and...
SOUTHERNGIRL: What are you doing?
LILBIT: Ummm... It's Shakesbeer you uneducated twit!
SOUTHERNGIRL: UGH... I cannot believe you are my sister.
LILBIT: I can kick your ass!
SOUTHERNGIRL: Would you stop it. The party is but in three months and we need to stir this stew!
LILBIT: But... it's not really stew... I forgot the broth, the meat, and the vegetables.
SOUTHERNGIRL: So what's in here?
LILBIT: Just water... and... and... my teddy bear!
SOUTHERNGIRL: OH NO!!! If this got out it'twould RUIN us... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Southerngirl Begins crying like a... uh... well... nevermind)
****Cut Scene
We enter a dark room on a space station high above the Earth.
DARTH: Feeble minded fools! They have all fallen trap to King Fu's bullshit plan to bring all their goody goody shit so he can feed it to that fucking wastoid Soopdragon. Fu thinks he can take over the world with that stoopit fucking plot.
BATONRUDE: Yes, My master!
DARTH: Eh... fuck'em... let the fucking sub-humans battle over that hunk of wasted dirt.
BATONRUDE: Yes, My master!
DARTH: When the time comes... we'll go for the real prize... and I'm not talking about a threesome with the Olsen twins... I am talking about total control of the UNIVERSE! I will become their GAWD!
BATONRUDE: Yes, My master!
DARTH: But... I feel something...
(Cue eerie dramatic foreboding music)
(commercial break)
(end commercial)
We are in another part of the space station high above the Earth. EKG is answering telephones.
EKG: Darth Corps Industry What the fuck do you want?
Uh Huh... too fuckin bad, BITCH!
(Soliloquy) That stupid bitch secretary better hurry the hell up... I got shit to do Man!
(GRUMPY* The band not the fuckin dwarf... walks Up to the desk)
EKG: Hey guys, what's going on?
GRUMPY*: (Facing the screen and in perfect unison) HI, we're GRUMPY*... we are just here to gratuitously bend over and wiggle our asses in front of EKG.
EKG (evil grin): Hey guys... can you grab that pile of thingies up off the floor over there.
(gratuitous bending)
***Cut Scene
We enter a realm of darkness... you'll notice throughout this that most of the people are in dark rooms... it's helps the audience keep their lunch down.
ISOL8D: So Mister FU... you think that this party of yours to take place in but three months is your key to controlling the world... but you underestimated my cunning little mind... My origami army is almost complete. It is just a matter of time!
BUUuuuhahahahah
(Cue echo effects... fade to black... bring on announcer with really fucking cool voice... and if someone says "Russ Albums" I'll write their sorry asses right out of the script!)
COOL VOICE GUY: That's all the time we have today for "As the Hairy Cankles Turn"... what a stupid fucking name that is... stay tuned for scenes from the next exciting episode of "As the Hairy Cankles Turn"...
(Quick Station ID... yadda yadda... mention Sanka... and cue previews)
JEEZUS: No KRyStahl... I'm going for full bodied and bouncy... not Jersey girl tease! *huff*
TTONY: You find dis fuck... and you whack da rat bastid! I don't care who his muddah is!
EKG: MMmmmmmmm... Now could you pick those thingies up over there!
HOT ITALIAN BROAD: I'm sorry I'm late King FU... I was busy oiling up my legs... should I take my top off and bend over your knee for my punishment?
"As the Hairy Cankles Turn" is a piss poor entertainment production.
No one wanted to have their names in the credit... please tune in next time or Harold's oldest daughter can't get her braces and this chick has got one fucked up grill!
Jeezus is sitting on the couch with his legs stretched out on the coffee table. He is brushing his hair hoping to use enough hot oil to hide his split ends.
Kbo approaches from the foyer.
KBO: I cannot believe this mess. The party is but three months away and I have not a thing to wear.
JEEZUS: My dad, woman! I have a few issues here that are a bit more important than your pathetic selection of garbatry! I... HAVE... SPLIT... ENDS... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Jeezus Begins crying like a bitch)
***CUT SCENE TO SPINNER'S DINER
We see spinner in the kitchen counting frozen dinners.
SPINNER: Fifty-six, fifty-seven (FOOTSTEPS ARE HEARD COMING TOWARD THE KITCHEN ... Spinner quickly throws a towel over the pile of frozen dinners)
(c-bring enters the kitchen. He has a severe limp and a hump on his back)
C-BRING: Heeeeellloooo Mastah... Vhut ess thy bidding.
SPINNER: I am in the misdtssth... ugh... in the middle of preparing a very special and SECRET recipe for the party that is to take place in three months. I need my privacy for the moment.
C-BRING: (pulling at the towel) Oh Dearuh... Vhut is this muh mastah?
SPINNER: OH you evil evil creature... GO... GO away GO AWAY NOW! (C-Bring slunkers out of the room) Oh... Oh my... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Spinner Begins crying like a bitch)
(Dramatic Music)
(Commercial Break)
To be continued....
(end commercial break)
Opening: D's Kitchen. Cooking utensils are everywhere and "raw" material is spread out all over the counters. Piles of recipe books are open all over the place.
D: Damn that Spinner. My cooking is fan-tab-ulous... but somehow... some way... she always finds a way to upstage me.
(Pat the WebHead enters the kitchen in a leather G-string and wrist straps. He is wearing a ball gag in his mouth.)
PAT: UGHLLMPPhhn mmuubble Luarphhhpppt!
D: Honey... you are so much cuter when you don't try to speak... so SHADDUP!
PAT: PHALLLMMMPPHHH ARRGHHH UPPPHHHH UUULAAAAAH!
D: WHAT? The milk is sour? OH NO! How could this happen... the party is but three months away... NO NO NO... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (D Begins crying like a bitch)
***CUT SCENE TO MISSY'S KITCHEN
MISSY: (she is rifling through a cook book) Eggs Benedict, Poached eggs, Eggs Stroganoff, Eggs Creole... UGH... No "Fried Eggs"... Crowd... get in here, please!
(crowd enters the room)
CROWD: What's up?
MISSY: The party is but three months away and I need to learn to cook a fried egg, but I can't find a recipe in any of these stoopit books.
CROWD: Hmmm... maybe we can find a recipe on the Internet.
MISSY: There's not enough time... I only have three months... *sob* I don't know how to fry a stoopit egg... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Missy Begins crying like a bitch)
CROWD: (wearing an evil grin) Don't worry... you shall learn to fry an egg... and then we'll show them... WE'LL SHOW THEM ALL... BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA... and they will all pay!
(commercial break)
(end commercial break)
Opening: Fu's Forbidden Fortress... King Fu sits on a throne made of Salami and Salmon carved into the shape of a large salamander. King Fu is puffing on a big cigar.
FU: My plan is coming together so nicely. All the greatest chefs of the world will be at the benefit party that is but three months away. I cleverly disguised my ruse as a benefit party to lure these great chefs to cook their greatest dishes for me. I shall take these dishes and offer them to the monstrosity know as the dreaded SoopDragon and lure him under my control so that I... Baron Von Lucille FundaFu Bethesdal Merringham ... The Third!... can RU-ELL THE WORLD!!!!
(a Hot Swedish chick with a nice ass and a great rack enters the room)
(The part of the hot Swedish chick will be played by a faceless whore who wants to make it big in Hollywood and is willing to sleep with the director in order to land a small and meaningless part that she will hope get her discovered)
SWEDISH CHICK: Every thing is coming to frui... fruita... Things are good Master Fu... shall I take my top off and massage you with oils now?
FU (Big Evil Grin): YESSsssss!
***** Cut Scene to Dimension X
(CPK is throwing a tantrum... or having a fit while Nos stares stoically into the abyss)
CPK: FUCK FUCK FUCK... FUCK FU... FUCK SPINNER... FUCK JEEZUS... FUCK'EM ALL... AND FUCK YOU
NOS: You do realize that this party that is but three months away is just a clever ploy by FU to lure all the greatest chefs of the world to cook their best dishes so that he can steal them and offer them to the dreaded SoopDragon in order to lure him under Fu's control so that King Fu can attempt to take over the world. Have you ever noticed that people like that often are so transparent, but the people of the world are so fucking stupid that they don't realize it? Most people are too fucking hung up in their own little world's that they can't see some cheesy world domination plot that is right in front of their face. Take Bubbles for example... that fucking bitch is so fucking stupid that I bet she makes extras of what ever overly fattening dish she cranks out of her trailer park stove in order to bring to this shindig. Fucking morons.
CPK: FUCK FUCK FUCK... or something
(commercial break)
(end commercial break)
Opening: High atop the JaffeSld Productions Building in downtown in the plush apartment of Jaffe and Jen
JAFFE: THAT BASTARD! AAAAAARGH... I should kill him for such insurrection. Such insult, such vile vehement verminous vafrousness.
JEN: What's wrong, hon?
JAFFE: This... FU-Fie person. He has devised a clever scheme to lure all the greatest chefs of the world to create their best dishes so that he may offer it to the dreaded SoopDragon. Then King Fu will control the dreaded SoopDragon and thusly be in an advantageous position to take over the world.
JEN: Bummer
JAFFE: HAVE YOU GONE MAAAAAAD?!? I am but four months away from positioning Myself to become ruler of the world.
JEN: Ummm... and?
JAFFE: VILE WENCH... Do you not pay attention any to MEEEEEEE? This... PARTY... this... thing... this... shindig... is but THREE months away. If he succeeds... he shall beat me to the "proverbial" punch.
JEN: Ah. So that explains why you've been so cranky.
JAFFE: Well... that and we ran out of Bac-Oh's and my Kraft Cheese and Macaroni doesn't taste the same without them.
JEN: Gotcha!
JAFFE: If the guys down at the Megalomaniacs Association find out about this... it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Jaffe Begins crying like a bitch)
***Cut Scene
Meanwhile at the Dark-Fire Lair...
FIRESITE: Here... taste this
DARKONE: No... you taste it
FIRESITE: Look you flaming pick stickler... taste it or I fucking pistol whip your pansy ass again!
DARKONE: Yeah like that will happen
(FIRESITE pulls out a Desert Eagle and pistol whips DARKONE into a bloody pile on the floor... DARKONE begins to cry like a bitch)
FIRESITE: NOW... fucking taste this.
DARKONE: Hmmm.. Not bad.
FIRESITE: NOT BAD? This party is but three months away... I don't want an opinion... I need your creative input.
DARKONE: Well... it could use more pepper... or... We could put rat poison in it like we did last time!
FIRESITE: Rat poison?
DARKONE: Yeah... that benefit charity we cooked for last month... I put rat poison in... I figured it was for the parents of all those retards. Figured... if they all had retards, that meant they had flawed DNA and they all needed to die.
FIRESITE: OH NO! If this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Firesite Begins crying like a bitch)
(commercial break)
(end commercial)
Opening: Little Little Italy... we enter Joey Bagadonutz's kitchen
JOEY: HEY... Pastavanni, parmagana... Gretta GarBONE-EH! GABBAGOUL!
TTONY: What duh fuck didjou juzz say?
JOEY: AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA... I'm just fuckin with you man! Pass me some Oregano!
TTONY: I tells ya... ain't nobody... NOBODY gonna tops dis here pasta dish we's got goin on!
JOEY: People love de Italian, man.
RJ: Uh... guys... Don't you think that maybe... just maybe... a few of these people might recognize that your dishes all taste very similar to Chef Boyardi?
TTONY: HEY... RJ... why don't you go screws yourself, eh?
JOEY: Ain't nobody gonna figure it out. Besides... if we pour enough rum in this sonnuvabitch... they be too drunk to tell.
RJ: All I'm sayin is that the party is three months aways... maybe you could try actually cooking something.
TTONY: And yuh mutha was a humpbacked whore!
JOEY: AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Benificianado! Prego Preggo! Bounjoulie!
TTONY: Hey, Joey... didja hears what I just told him? I says "And yuh mutha was a humpbacked whore!"
********DISCLAIMER********* The preceding line was based on a characteristic of a character in the Sapronos ***************************
RJ: (soliloquy) I hope these guys don't find out I'm not really Italian... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (RJ Begins crying like a bitch)
****Cut scene
We enter into Hotpants' kitchen
RHOADRUNNER: WHOAAAAA! Whoa whoa whoa... Ummm... shouldn't that be "Paul's Kitchen"
Uh... who's writing this fucking thing?
RHOADRUNNER: Well, you are, but if you want it to be at least half ass accurate like it's been so far... It should be my kitchen... I'm the one stuck cooking the fuckin turkey's all the time. I coat that bastard with 12... that's one more than the Colonel ever had... 12 herbs and spices... I dunk it in the oil and wait all day until it reaches the peak of perfection. I got skills, fucker!
Quit whining and get back to the scene!
RHOADRUNNER: Look you assbag... I'm not doing the scene unless it's Paul's Kitchen.
Oh... You'll do the scene and if you don't get back in there and do it now... you'll end up in a love scene... WITH GEORGE!
RHOADRUNNER: Uh... Hotpants' kitchen it is then! (Rhoadrunner Begins crying like a bitch)
(commercial break)
(end commercial)
Across town at the Four Building:
COOLGRLJEN: Oh my gawd-uh... Thisch drummer is schoe hot... I love Mtv... Almoscht asch musch as I love my leather pantsch... HEY... what the fuck is this?
What do you mean?
COOLGRLJEN: This is just a bit too many clichés. I mean... COME ON.
I clichéd the fuck out of everyone else... why should it be different for you?
COOLGRLJEN: Well... at least give me a guy that's HOT-DUH! I mean you gave Fu that Schwedisch Schlut!
Ok... I promise in one of the later scenes I'll add some guy that you consider "Hot-duh"
COOLGRLJEN: Hee hee... Cool!
(Synch calls from the kitchen)
SYNCH: Is any one gonna help out with this?
(LoonE2n darts across the room)
LOONE2N: IwannastirIwannastirlemmestircanistiriwannastirletmestirletme OH OH OH... me me me letmestir
SYNCH: Here... sheesh.
COOLGRLJEN: HEY... wait... How come your not making fun of her?
Well... long story... besides... she said it herself... she's quirkless.
COOLGRLJEN: Nuh-uh... she dances like Natalie Merchant.
SYNCH: Uhm... that's not really a quirk.
(Rockstar Mike enters the room singing something under his breath.)
LOONE2N: Whatchasinging huh huh huh whatchasinging????
ROCKSTAR MIKE: That stupid Garth Brookes song... I am never going to Karaoke again. I can't sing anything but that stupid song... if this got out it'twould RUIN me... RUIN I say... RU... OH NO you don't... if you write that I cry... I kick your ass... Deal?
You guys are not easy to work with. I think I'll just change the scene!
***Cut scene****
We now enter Wolvie's Kitchen... there are stains everywhere...
(commercial break)
(end commercial)
We now enter a cave where two sisters... both of them bitche... ummm... witches... are stirring a boiling pot.
LILBIT: Boil Boil Troil and...
SOUTHERNGIRL: What are you doing?
LILBIT: Ummm... It's Shakesbeer you uneducated twit!
SOUTHERNGIRL: UGH... I cannot believe you are my sister.
LILBIT: I can kick your ass!
SOUTHERNGIRL: Would you stop it. The party is but in three months and we need to stir this stew!
LILBIT: But... it's not really stew... I forgot the broth, the meat, and the vegetables.
SOUTHERNGIRL: So what's in here?
LILBIT: Just water... and... and... my teddy bear!
SOUTHERNGIRL: OH NO!!! If this got out it'twould RUIN us... RUIN I say... RUIN RUIN RUIN. (Southerngirl Begins crying like a... uh... well... nevermind)
****Cut Scene
We enter a dark room on a space station high above the Earth.
DARTH: Feeble minded fools! They have all fallen trap to King Fu's bullshit plan to bring all their goody goody shit so he can feed it to that fucking wastoid Soopdragon. Fu thinks he can take over the world with that stoopit fucking plot.
BATONRUDE: Yes, My master!
DARTH: Eh... fuck'em... let the fucking sub-humans battle over that hunk of wasted dirt.
BATONRUDE: Yes, My master!
DARTH: When the time comes... we'll go for the real prize... and I'm not talking about a threesome with the Olsen twins... I am talking about total control of the UNIVERSE! I will become their GAWD!
BATONRUDE: Yes, My master!
DARTH: But... I feel something...
(Cue eerie dramatic foreboding music)
(commercial break)
(end commercial)
We are in another part of the space station high above the Earth. EKG is answering telephones.
EKG: Darth Corps Industry What the fuck do you want?
Uh Huh... too fuckin bad, BITCH!
(Soliloquy) That stupid bitch secretary better hurry the hell up... I got shit to do Man!
(GRUMPY* The band not the fuckin dwarf... walks Up to the desk)
EKG: Hey guys, what's going on?
GRUMPY*: (Facing the screen and in perfect unison) HI, we're GRUMPY*... we are just here to gratuitously bend over and wiggle our asses in front of EKG.
EKG (evil grin): Hey guys... can you grab that pile of thingies up off the floor over there.
(gratuitous bending)
***Cut Scene
We enter a realm of darkness... you'll notice throughout this that most of the people are in dark rooms... it's helps the audience keep their lunch down.
ISOL8D: So Mister FU... you think that this party of yours to take place in but three months is your key to controlling the world... but you underestimated my cunning little mind... My origami army is almost complete. It is just a matter of time!
BUUuuuhahahahah
(Cue echo effects... fade to black... bring on announcer with really fucking cool voice... and if someone says "Russ Albums" I'll write their sorry asses right out of the script!)
COOL VOICE GUY: That's all the time we have today for "As the Hairy Cankles Turn"... what a stupid fucking name that is... stay tuned for scenes from the next exciting episode of "As the Hairy Cankles Turn"...
(Quick Station ID... yadda yadda... mention Sanka... and cue previews)
JEEZUS: No KRyStahl... I'm going for full bodied and bouncy... not Jersey girl tease! *huff*
TTONY: You find dis fuck... and you whack da rat bastid! I don't care who his muddah is!
EKG: MMmmmmmmm... Now could you pick those thingies up over there!
HOT ITALIAN BROAD: I'm sorry I'm late King FU... I was busy oiling up my legs... should I take my top off and bend over your knee for my punishment?
"As the Hairy Cankles Turn" is a piss poor entertainment production.
No one wanted to have their names in the credit... please tune in next time or Harold's oldest daughter can't get her braces and this chick has got one fucked up grill!