Day 3
Outside the sun is shining brightly, but for how long?
A stranger walks up the long; long drive way that leads to the mansion on the hill. The marble columns rise high above the front porch and glimmer in the sunshine.
The gentleman reaches out his hand to knock on the enormous front door that is emblazoned with a gigantic golden "D".
The front door opens.
D: Hello?
BLOWINUP: Hi, my name is Dave and I saw the ad that you put in "Strange Sexual Fantasy Weekly".
D: *giggle* Well then come on in.
BLOWINUP: You have a beautiful home.
D: Oh. careful of my chandelier there. that's Pat the WebHead. Say hello Pat.
PAT: GGMMMBBBBLLLMMMPHHHhh
BLOWINUP: Oh. yeah. I heard of this guy. is he really as incapable as the rumors say?
D: Eh. he's fun to have "hanging" around.
BLOWINUP: Yeah, but the guy can't even code a simple HTML page.
D: Uhm. if you haven't noticed. HTML is NOT what I have him here to work on. Now go in the other room and put this on. we'll take you for a test drive.
***Cut Scene
We travel now to the conference room at the headquarters of Jaffe Salad Productions. He is standing at the head of the table. He is flanked by GatorJen. The others at the table are all dressed up like some sort of super hero team.
JAFFE: . and that is why I called you guys here.
USELESSLEGS: (in a Marlon Brando as Vito Corleon raspy voice. not like Marlon Brando after downing an entire bucket of chicken gravy. but back when he was still kinda cool) What you have said to me is intriguing.
(He glances across to the table at the gentleman with spiked up hair. the guy nods)
USELESSLEGS: We will agree to help you, on the one condition that when this is all over, we are declared the sole government of Istanbul.
JAFFE: I think we can work that out.
USELESSLEGS: With that done, please allow me to introduce you to my team. This fellow over here is Jimmy Nexus. he shoots glowing green neon monkey spit out of his penis. It burns the enemy like acid.
JIMMY NEXUS: Hey, What's up?
USELESSLEGS: The brutal guy over there at the buffet table eating the octopus beaks is Psycho Eddie. When he gets into a fight he just eats the enemy. It is an interesting thing to see.
PSYCHO: Hey
USELESSLEGS: The lady over there with that stoopit Lord of the Rings Elfin Doll that looks like a chick is LilShyOne. When we need her to kill someone we just tell her that the target said that Joey Fat One was gay. she rips their head off.
LILSHYONE: It's Fa-tone!
USELESSLEGS: And this. this brutal killer here. this is Shifty. He was abandoned by his parents when he was three and was raised by a pack of Mobsters and Bikers. He's pretty level headed. but be warned. when that watch comes off. it's ShowTime!
SHIFTY: Hey how ya doin!
USELESSLEGS: Now. tell me more about this. FU!
(Fade to commercial)
(End Commercial)
To Dimension X.
CPK: I can't fucking believe he's fucking gone. FUCK
PUFFY: We don't fucking need him, we need to start this fucking Jihad.
BEASTIEGIRL: We need to get some fucking food.
TYLER DURDEN: Where the fuck is my pipe. it was right fucking here.
PUFFY: DO I NEED TO FUCKING KILL YOU ALL???
BEASTIEGIRL: Chill the fuck out. OK. I'm calling Papa John's. what do you guy want on your pizza?
TYLER DURDEN: Doritos and Pudding!
CPK: FUCK
*** Cut scene
We travel now to the stately mansion of Spinner. Outside in the garden C- Bring is picking his tighty whitey underwear out of his ass as Spinner is picking fresh vegetables.
The Italians are lurking in the bushes.
JOEY: Buggalatario, Danny Terrio, Poppa Greccio.
TTONY: I swear ta gad if yous keep dat up, I'll whack ya myself.
JOEY: I feel like a real live mobster guy.
RJ: Should we get them now?
TTONY: Hold on a minute. she's bendin ovah and I's can see down her shirt.
JOEY: NUH UH. Ooooh wow. you can.
RJ: Whoa!
(in the garden)
SPINNER: Get you hands out of your pants you fuckin freak.
C-BRING: Sorry mastuh. I had a wedgie
SPINNER: You stick your hands in your pants again before you touch the food and I will hang you up in a tighty whitey cradle you fuckin twit.
C-BRING: I heard-ed something
(behind the bushes)
The Italians pull out their guns and begin to shoot up the place
TTONY: Die you fuckin rat bastid!
JOEY: Gigglario, Bunsaroundio, Assgrabiano!
SPINNER: You wanna fuck with me?? Well fuck with this!
Spinner pulls out an M-16 from an M-16 cozy lying on the garden table and begins to fire like mad. A bullet hits Joey.
JOEY: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. the stupid bitch shot me in the eye
***Cut scene
And in the DarkFire Cave
DARKONE AND FIRESITE: AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA HA AHA HAHAAHH AHAHAH AHA HA HA AHA AHAHAHAHAH HAAH AHAHA AHAH
REDMAN: Guys. uh. guys. could you help me out here?
DARKONE AND FIRESITE: AAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHHH HA AHA HA AHAH AH AHAH AAHAH AHAHA AHAHAHAHH AHH AHAHAHAH AAHH
REDMAN: Come on guys help me out here.
FIRESITE: Hmmm. think we should help him out?
DARKONE: Eh. in a minute. this is too much fun, besides. the crane is out of gas.
(commercial break)
(end commercial)
On the Space Station. in the lobby
Victoria walks in.
EKG: Where the fuck have you been you stupid lazy bitch?
VICTORIA: I was having a gangbang with some of the dweebs down in accounting.
EKG: OOOh. well. I'm out of here. Okay guys. you can stop picking those things up. we're going grocery shopping now. And if you guys are really good, I'll buy you a toy!
GRUMPY*: Ooooooh GOOODIE!!!
(and in the boss's inner sanctum)
DARTH: No. make his ass BIGGER!!!
BATONRUDE: Yes, Master.
DARTH: Oh. and make his jowls dangle like that fat whores boobs do.
BATONRUDE: Yes, Master.
*** Cut scene
Back at the FOUR Building.
Mike is in the corner hooked up to the stuff they hook people that are in comas to. Synch is in the kitchen cooking the dish that this group will present to King Fu at the party that is but three months away.
LOONE2N: Loookiiieeeee I'ma racecar schroom schroom schrooom schrooom
***Cut scene
At the Pizza Place.
CoolgirlJen walks in and sees Brad Pitt sitting at the table nearest the door. he reaches out and grabs her hand.
(Due to budget constraints. the Part of Brad Pitt will be played by George Kelley)
BRAD PITT: Hi. Jennifer called me last night and said she was run over by a bus and dies later that evening in the hospital due to complications with the medication. I figured if you wanted to, we could get together.
COOLGIRLJEN: *drool*
(commercial break)
(end commercial)
We see Jeezus walking into Krystahl's Beauty Salon.
GLENNGLOW: I'm sorry but Krystahl had to fly to. OH MY GAWD. YOUR JEEZUS. I THINK YOU'RE GREAT. YOU'RE FUNNY MAN.
JEEZUS: I think I just walked into hell.
**Cut scene
Missy's kitchen
MISSY: But what if he doesn't like it?
CROWD: You'll be fine. you have to remember these are the greatest chef's in the world
MISSY: Oh god. what if he gags on it?
CROWD: We'll he is used to gagging on things.
MISSY: crowd. Please help me
CROWD: You're doing fine. chill the fuck out.
MISSY: I'll just give him the pudding.
CROWD: UGH!
***Cut Scene
In the cave.
LILBIT: Can I stop stirring now?
SOUTHERNGIRL: No. it says to stir for twenty-six days.
LILBIT: Aaaawww. ok
SOUTHERNGIRL: I need to run out and grab some stuff. you want anything?
LILBIT: Whooooooa!
SOUTHERNGIRL: What, what?
LILBIT: Look at my muscle. cool!
SOUTHERNGIRL: UGH. I'll see you later.
***Cut scene
In HotPants' kitchen.
HOTPANTS: Oh cool. what's this thing
RHOADRUNNER: Ummm. Some folks call it a. SPOON
HOTPANTS: Then what's that?
RHOADRUNNER: A ladle
HOTPANTS: COOL!!!
***Cut scene
In an Isolated dark room.
ISOL8D: So you see. if we coat the origami with oatmeal. they will be indestructible.
MAMA JUGGS: (In annoying Roseanne voice) Why don't we just buy a real army?
ISOL8D: Because FU will see it coming. the key to an origami army is stealth and oatmeal.
MAMA JUGGS: You are just weird. can I hang you from the ceiling?
***Cut scene
In Fu's Throne Room.
FU: This is great. all my plans are coming to fruition. all except that unfortunate accident with Joey's eye. oh well. he can get a glass one.
(Hot Spanish Chick wearing Medieval Garb enters the room. The part of Hot Spanish Chick wearing Medieval Garb will be played by Penelope Cruz)
HOT SPANISH CHICK WEARING MEDIEVAL GARB: How are you this evening my King?
FU: Not too fuckin' bad. how about you sweet tits?
HOT SPANISH CHICK WEARING MEDIEVAL GARB: I'm much better now my Lord.
FU: Good to hear. awwww. today is a good day.
HOT SPANISH CHICK WEARING MEDIEVAL GARB: Would you like to coat myself in oil and rub my body all over you now?
FU: YEEEEeeeeessssss!
***Cut scene
CHEESY ANNOUNCER GUY: The writers were lazy today. but tune in next time despite the pathetic events that occurred today. Hell. they can't all be winners.
Outside the sun is shining brightly, but for how long?
A stranger walks up the long; long drive way that leads to the mansion on the hill. The marble columns rise high above the front porch and glimmer in the sunshine.
The gentleman reaches out his hand to knock on the enormous front door that is emblazoned with a gigantic golden "D".
The front door opens.
D: Hello?
BLOWINUP: Hi, my name is Dave and I saw the ad that you put in "Strange Sexual Fantasy Weekly".
D: *giggle* Well then come on in.
BLOWINUP: You have a beautiful home.
D: Oh. careful of my chandelier there. that's Pat the WebHead. Say hello Pat.
PAT: GGMMMBBBBLLLMMMPHHHhh
BLOWINUP: Oh. yeah. I heard of this guy. is he really as incapable as the rumors say?
D: Eh. he's fun to have "hanging" around.
BLOWINUP: Yeah, but the guy can't even code a simple HTML page.
D: Uhm. if you haven't noticed. HTML is NOT what I have him here to work on. Now go in the other room and put this on. we'll take you for a test drive.
***Cut Scene
We travel now to the conference room at the headquarters of Jaffe Salad Productions. He is standing at the head of the table. He is flanked by GatorJen. The others at the table are all dressed up like some sort of super hero team.
JAFFE: . and that is why I called you guys here.
USELESSLEGS: (in a Marlon Brando as Vito Corleon raspy voice. not like Marlon Brando after downing an entire bucket of chicken gravy. but back when he was still kinda cool) What you have said to me is intriguing.
(He glances across to the table at the gentleman with spiked up hair. the guy nods)
USELESSLEGS: We will agree to help you, on the one condition that when this is all over, we are declared the sole government of Istanbul.
JAFFE: I think we can work that out.
USELESSLEGS: With that done, please allow me to introduce you to my team. This fellow over here is Jimmy Nexus. he shoots glowing green neon monkey spit out of his penis. It burns the enemy like acid.
JIMMY NEXUS: Hey, What's up?
USELESSLEGS: The brutal guy over there at the buffet table eating the octopus beaks is Psycho Eddie. When he gets into a fight he just eats the enemy. It is an interesting thing to see.
PSYCHO: Hey
USELESSLEGS: The lady over there with that stoopit Lord of the Rings Elfin Doll that looks like a chick is LilShyOne. When we need her to kill someone we just tell her that the target said that Joey Fat One was gay. she rips their head off.
LILSHYONE: It's Fa-tone!
USELESSLEGS: And this. this brutal killer here. this is Shifty. He was abandoned by his parents when he was three and was raised by a pack of Mobsters and Bikers. He's pretty level headed. but be warned. when that watch comes off. it's ShowTime!
SHIFTY: Hey how ya doin!
USELESSLEGS: Now. tell me more about this. FU!
(Fade to commercial)
(End Commercial)
To Dimension X.
CPK: I can't fucking believe he's fucking gone. FUCK
PUFFY: We don't fucking need him, we need to start this fucking Jihad.
BEASTIEGIRL: We need to get some fucking food.
TYLER DURDEN: Where the fuck is my pipe. it was right fucking here.
PUFFY: DO I NEED TO FUCKING KILL YOU ALL???
BEASTIEGIRL: Chill the fuck out. OK. I'm calling Papa John's. what do you guy want on your pizza?
TYLER DURDEN: Doritos and Pudding!
CPK: FUCK
*** Cut scene
We travel now to the stately mansion of Spinner. Outside in the garden C- Bring is picking his tighty whitey underwear out of his ass as Spinner is picking fresh vegetables.
The Italians are lurking in the bushes.
JOEY: Buggalatario, Danny Terrio, Poppa Greccio.
TTONY: I swear ta gad if yous keep dat up, I'll whack ya myself.
JOEY: I feel like a real live mobster guy.
RJ: Should we get them now?
TTONY: Hold on a minute. she's bendin ovah and I's can see down her shirt.
JOEY: NUH UH. Ooooh wow. you can.
RJ: Whoa!
(in the garden)
SPINNER: Get you hands out of your pants you fuckin freak.
C-BRING: Sorry mastuh. I had a wedgie
SPINNER: You stick your hands in your pants again before you touch the food and I will hang you up in a tighty whitey cradle you fuckin twit.
C-BRING: I heard-ed something
(behind the bushes)
The Italians pull out their guns and begin to shoot up the place
TTONY: Die you fuckin rat bastid!
JOEY: Gigglario, Bunsaroundio, Assgrabiano!
SPINNER: You wanna fuck with me?? Well fuck with this!
Spinner pulls out an M-16 from an M-16 cozy lying on the garden table and begins to fire like mad. A bullet hits Joey.
JOEY: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. the stupid bitch shot me in the eye
***Cut scene
And in the DarkFire Cave
DARKONE AND FIRESITE: AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA HA AHA HAHAAHH AHAHAH AHA HA HA AHA AHAHAHAHAH HAAH AHAHA AHAH
REDMAN: Guys. uh. guys. could you help me out here?
DARKONE AND FIRESITE: AAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHHH HA AHA HA AHAH AH AHAH AAHAH AHAHA AHAHAHAHH AHH AHAHAHAH AAHH
REDMAN: Come on guys help me out here.
FIRESITE: Hmmm. think we should help him out?
DARKONE: Eh. in a minute. this is too much fun, besides. the crane is out of gas.
(commercial break)
(end commercial)
On the Space Station. in the lobby
Victoria walks in.
EKG: Where the fuck have you been you stupid lazy bitch?
VICTORIA: I was having a gangbang with some of the dweebs down in accounting.
EKG: OOOh. well. I'm out of here. Okay guys. you can stop picking those things up. we're going grocery shopping now. And if you guys are really good, I'll buy you a toy!
GRUMPY*: Ooooooh GOOODIE!!!
(and in the boss's inner sanctum)
DARTH: No. make his ass BIGGER!!!
BATONRUDE: Yes, Master.
DARTH: Oh. and make his jowls dangle like that fat whores boobs do.
BATONRUDE: Yes, Master.
*** Cut scene
Back at the FOUR Building.
Mike is in the corner hooked up to the stuff they hook people that are in comas to. Synch is in the kitchen cooking the dish that this group will present to King Fu at the party that is but three months away.
LOONE2N: Loookiiieeeee I'ma racecar schroom schroom schrooom schrooom
***Cut scene
At the Pizza Place.
CoolgirlJen walks in and sees Brad Pitt sitting at the table nearest the door. he reaches out and grabs her hand.
(Due to budget constraints. the Part of Brad Pitt will be played by George Kelley)
BRAD PITT: Hi. Jennifer called me last night and said she was run over by a bus and dies later that evening in the hospital due to complications with the medication. I figured if you wanted to, we could get together.
COOLGIRLJEN: *drool*
(commercial break)
(end commercial)
We see Jeezus walking into Krystahl's Beauty Salon.
GLENNGLOW: I'm sorry but Krystahl had to fly to. OH MY GAWD. YOUR JEEZUS. I THINK YOU'RE GREAT. YOU'RE FUNNY MAN.
JEEZUS: I think I just walked into hell.
**Cut scene
Missy's kitchen
MISSY: But what if he doesn't like it?
CROWD: You'll be fine. you have to remember these are the greatest chef's in the world
MISSY: Oh god. what if he gags on it?
CROWD: We'll he is used to gagging on things.
MISSY: crowd. Please help me
CROWD: You're doing fine. chill the fuck out.
MISSY: I'll just give him the pudding.
CROWD: UGH!
***Cut Scene
In the cave.
LILBIT: Can I stop stirring now?
SOUTHERNGIRL: No. it says to stir for twenty-six days.
LILBIT: Aaaawww. ok
SOUTHERNGIRL: I need to run out and grab some stuff. you want anything?
LILBIT: Whooooooa!
SOUTHERNGIRL: What, what?
LILBIT: Look at my muscle. cool!
SOUTHERNGIRL: UGH. I'll see you later.
***Cut scene
In HotPants' kitchen.
HOTPANTS: Oh cool. what's this thing
RHOADRUNNER: Ummm. Some folks call it a. SPOON
HOTPANTS: Then what's that?
RHOADRUNNER: A ladle
HOTPANTS: COOL!!!
***Cut scene
In an Isolated dark room.
ISOL8D: So you see. if we coat the origami with oatmeal. they will be indestructible.
MAMA JUGGS: (In annoying Roseanne voice) Why don't we just buy a real army?
ISOL8D: Because FU will see it coming. the key to an origami army is stealth and oatmeal.
MAMA JUGGS: You are just weird. can I hang you from the ceiling?
***Cut scene
In Fu's Throne Room.
FU: This is great. all my plans are coming to fruition. all except that unfortunate accident with Joey's eye. oh well. he can get a glass one.
(Hot Spanish Chick wearing Medieval Garb enters the room. The part of Hot Spanish Chick wearing Medieval Garb will be played by Penelope Cruz)
HOT SPANISH CHICK WEARING MEDIEVAL GARB: How are you this evening my King?
FU: Not too fuckin' bad. how about you sweet tits?
HOT SPANISH CHICK WEARING MEDIEVAL GARB: I'm much better now my Lord.
FU: Good to hear. awwww. today is a good day.
HOT SPANISH CHICK WEARING MEDIEVAL GARB: Would you like to coat myself in oil and rub my body all over you now?
FU: YEEEEeeeeessssss!
***Cut scene
CHEESY ANNOUNCER GUY: The writers were lazy today. but tune in next time despite the pathetic events that occurred today. Hell. they can't all be winners.