Part 8
Death by Metaphor
The cool damp air whipped across the meadow and splashed across their faces like the back of a pimp's hand. The darkness rose from the ground like a zombie in a bad Wes Craven movie, but was beaten back down into submission by the glimmering brilliance of the moon. The trees in the distance danced in the breeze like a stripper that is trying to convince some poor drunken schlub that he should pay the twenty dollar special price that would get him a glass of champagne and a lap dance, so that she can pay for her cell phone this month.
The adventure thus far had been pretty mundane and uneventful, like a party where the guest list includes only accountants, furniture salesmen, and insurance agents. The moment the group entered the clearing in the meadow, they all knew things were about to change, like when you buy the TV Guide that has all the previews of the upcoming fall line up and out of the fifty two shows that the networks are going to try to shove down your throat there are one or two that show real promise, well, enough promise that you will look forward to buying the full season collection on DVD in a few months or going on the Internet and downloading pirated copies of the show.
Spinner and her pint sized melon headed manservant had entered an unholy merger with the Dego Three in order to increase their chances of taking the coveted prize at the party that was three short months away. The agreement was of the same ilk as the odd love connection between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, especially when you take into consideration all of the strange demands the stupid bitch put on the "actor" who is still in a fight for his life with the horrible condition known as alcohol dependency.
The group, having the ruthless firepower that could take down a small army like that rented by the Vatican to protect every entrance into the facade of a Holy Place, and the cooking skill that rivaled the conglomeration of every white coated creator that had ever graced the stage of Iron Chef, was still worried that they didn't have what it took to win the big prize. Spinner had suggested that they go and acquire a flake of skin from the Dreaded Soop Dragon and mix it in her best dish.
The legend has it that when a Soop Dragon's skin touches an eggplant, a mysterious and magical chemical reaction takes place. It produces a taste that is unfathomable by those that had never had the glorious privilege to put the concoction in their mouths. Spinner said it would all but guarantee a victory.
Flanked by her new alliance, she felt quite secure... that was until she stepped into the clearing in the woods.
Like a little girl who has spent half her life being beaten on a daily basis by her drunken father who is also a crack addict, Spinner was afraid of the impending doom that rode across the wind and up her spine.
Without a word being spoken, RJ dropped his duffel bag on the ground and pulled out several weapons. One by one he began loading them up, like an ex- marine communist sympathizer on the top floor of a book depository. TTony and Joey followed suit, preparing for any creature that had the audacity to stand between them and the promise of untold wealth.
With all the action around him, C-bring just stood there drooling like Peter Townsend at St. Mary's Catholic School all boy swim meet. He let out a few belches and foul explosions of gas, but other than a few grotesque bodily functions, he was frozen in silence by fear.
The group reached the middle of the clearing and they began to hear footsteps. Not just normal footsteps that they could write off as a small woodland creature or a few bandits roaming around in the woods. These were earth-rumbling footsteps. The dirt under the group rattled with each step that came, like when you are stuck at a red light next to some home boy wanna-be that was allowed to use daddy's credit card at the car stereo place and he's pumping out some Miami Bass invasion hit by the Gucci Crew.
The three gunmen went into protection mode, surrounding Spinner and preparing to fire at the first sign of whatever it is that was making the noise.
Like a bolt of lightening, an object dashed towards them and took Ttony's gun. Before anyone could even blink the object had disappeared into the other side of the woods. And the footsteps continued.
Moments later, a little girl's giggle echoed across the meadow. When it was silent again, aside from the horrific footsteps, the object flew past the crew again. When it had hidden itself back in the woods a second time, Joey's guns were gone.
A third time, the object dashed out of the trees and around the group. This time it had taken RJ's guns and left the group completely disarmed.
A rotund shadow peered at them from the woods as the footsteps came to a halt. The object dashed toward the shadow and rested by what appeared to be the shadow casters feet.
The object and the shadow caster began to slowly move toward the center of the opening where the group was standing.
In a booming, yet jolly voice, the huge behemoth introduced his partner.
"This peppy little tart is GhettoStripper. She is faster than the blink of an eye and more deadly than the Ebola virus in an African village that believes that medical advances are from a devil like creature that will consume the entire village if they use any medicine."
Ghettostripper let out a small giggle and smiled. "And this hunk-a-hunka- burning love is MyBig. He is more powerful than a North Korean Thermonuclear weapon, and more huggable than Louie Anderson at an all gay bath house in San Francisco."
MyBig looked at little shocked at his introduction, but began addressing the group. "This is my... errr... OUR forest. As well as this... this is our meadow. You... people," The disdain was heavy in his voice, "are trespassing. We require retribution."
The four gentleman around Spinner were on the verge of pissing themselves like a three year old at his first day of Day Care in a low income housing area, so she was forced to speak up.
"We are on our way to the top of Testosterone Mountain to obtain a flake of skin from the dreaded Soop Dragon. We will soon be out of your forest."
"Look Chickie... did you not hear what he said," GhettoStripper said with a vicious glare in her eyes.
MyBig continued, "We require the sacrifice of the life of one of the members of your group. This dwarfed version of Don Rickles on crack with the piss stained pants and slobber dangling from his chin should be a nice addition to my collection. I have yet to fill in my space I have saved for Cro-Magnum man."
Joey said, "Sounds good."
Ttony followed, "I'm ok wit dat!"
RJ finished, "If that's what you need," and he pulled out his knife.
Spinner shouted, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I cannot let you take the life of C-bring. He may be a half-witted simpleton, he may have a foul, foul odor, he may cause feelings of intense hatred and violent tendencies, he may even suck the intelligence out of every room he enters, but he is my man servant, and I need him."
Ttony replied, "Aw com-mon lady."
Joey added, "Are you nuts, funnzagoon!"
RJ finished, "We're off scott-free if we whack the little bastard."
Spinner began crying, "I can't... I just can't let him die. He's... he's... he's the one that actually cooks all of my dishes. I have him cook and tell people it was my cooking cause no one would ever eat anything that he had cooked because they were afraid he had drooled or snotted in whatever he was cooking, not to mention he is constantly picking his ass, so the health inspectors would have shut the diner down."
"Well," MyBig shrugged, "I need someone to die or you all die. It's in the rulebook.
"What if I showed you my panties... they have shiny stuff on them," Spinner offered.
MyBig smiled widely, "Well sweetass, you got yourself a deal."
Shortly, the group was on the way again, with two knew friends in tow. They each knew that although the trip had been difficult so far, what was up ahead was going to be hard and difficult, like a Swedish male porn star trying to actually "feel" what the Pizza Boy was feeling despite it being the fifty-third take and the director telling him to just shut up and fuck!
The cool damp air whipped across the meadow and splashed across their faces like the back of a pimp's hand. The darkness rose from the ground like a zombie in a bad Wes Craven movie, but was beaten back down into submission by the glimmering brilliance of the moon. The trees in the distance danced in the breeze like a stripper that is trying to convince some poor drunken schlub that he should pay the twenty dollar special price that would get him a glass of champagne and a lap dance, so that she can pay for her cell phone this month.
The adventure thus far had been pretty mundane and uneventful, like a party where the guest list includes only accountants, furniture salesmen, and insurance agents. The moment the group entered the clearing in the meadow, they all knew things were about to change, like when you buy the TV Guide that has all the previews of the upcoming fall line up and out of the fifty two shows that the networks are going to try to shove down your throat there are one or two that show real promise, well, enough promise that you will look forward to buying the full season collection on DVD in a few months or going on the Internet and downloading pirated copies of the show.
Spinner and her pint sized melon headed manservant had entered an unholy merger with the Dego Three in order to increase their chances of taking the coveted prize at the party that was three short months away. The agreement was of the same ilk as the odd love connection between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, especially when you take into consideration all of the strange demands the stupid bitch put on the "actor" who is still in a fight for his life with the horrible condition known as alcohol dependency.
The group, having the ruthless firepower that could take down a small army like that rented by the Vatican to protect every entrance into the facade of a Holy Place, and the cooking skill that rivaled the conglomeration of every white coated creator that had ever graced the stage of Iron Chef, was still worried that they didn't have what it took to win the big prize. Spinner had suggested that they go and acquire a flake of skin from the Dreaded Soop Dragon and mix it in her best dish.
The legend has it that when a Soop Dragon's skin touches an eggplant, a mysterious and magical chemical reaction takes place. It produces a taste that is unfathomable by those that had never had the glorious privilege to put the concoction in their mouths. Spinner said it would all but guarantee a victory.
Flanked by her new alliance, she felt quite secure... that was until she stepped into the clearing in the woods.
Like a little girl who has spent half her life being beaten on a daily basis by her drunken father who is also a crack addict, Spinner was afraid of the impending doom that rode across the wind and up her spine.
Without a word being spoken, RJ dropped his duffel bag on the ground and pulled out several weapons. One by one he began loading them up, like an ex- marine communist sympathizer on the top floor of a book depository. TTony and Joey followed suit, preparing for any creature that had the audacity to stand between them and the promise of untold wealth.
With all the action around him, C-bring just stood there drooling like Peter Townsend at St. Mary's Catholic School all boy swim meet. He let out a few belches and foul explosions of gas, but other than a few grotesque bodily functions, he was frozen in silence by fear.
The group reached the middle of the clearing and they began to hear footsteps. Not just normal footsteps that they could write off as a small woodland creature or a few bandits roaming around in the woods. These were earth-rumbling footsteps. The dirt under the group rattled with each step that came, like when you are stuck at a red light next to some home boy wanna-be that was allowed to use daddy's credit card at the car stereo place and he's pumping out some Miami Bass invasion hit by the Gucci Crew.
The three gunmen went into protection mode, surrounding Spinner and preparing to fire at the first sign of whatever it is that was making the noise.
Like a bolt of lightening, an object dashed towards them and took Ttony's gun. Before anyone could even blink the object had disappeared into the other side of the woods. And the footsteps continued.
Moments later, a little girl's giggle echoed across the meadow. When it was silent again, aside from the horrific footsteps, the object flew past the crew again. When it had hidden itself back in the woods a second time, Joey's guns were gone.
A third time, the object dashed out of the trees and around the group. This time it had taken RJ's guns and left the group completely disarmed.
A rotund shadow peered at them from the woods as the footsteps came to a halt. The object dashed toward the shadow and rested by what appeared to be the shadow casters feet.
The object and the shadow caster began to slowly move toward the center of the opening where the group was standing.
In a booming, yet jolly voice, the huge behemoth introduced his partner.
"This peppy little tart is GhettoStripper. She is faster than the blink of an eye and more deadly than the Ebola virus in an African village that believes that medical advances are from a devil like creature that will consume the entire village if they use any medicine."
Ghettostripper let out a small giggle and smiled. "And this hunk-a-hunka- burning love is MyBig. He is more powerful than a North Korean Thermonuclear weapon, and more huggable than Louie Anderson at an all gay bath house in San Francisco."
MyBig looked at little shocked at his introduction, but began addressing the group. "This is my... errr... OUR forest. As well as this... this is our meadow. You... people," The disdain was heavy in his voice, "are trespassing. We require retribution."
The four gentleman around Spinner were on the verge of pissing themselves like a three year old at his first day of Day Care in a low income housing area, so she was forced to speak up.
"We are on our way to the top of Testosterone Mountain to obtain a flake of skin from the dreaded Soop Dragon. We will soon be out of your forest."
"Look Chickie... did you not hear what he said," GhettoStripper said with a vicious glare in her eyes.
MyBig continued, "We require the sacrifice of the life of one of the members of your group. This dwarfed version of Don Rickles on crack with the piss stained pants and slobber dangling from his chin should be a nice addition to my collection. I have yet to fill in my space I have saved for Cro-Magnum man."
Joey said, "Sounds good."
Ttony followed, "I'm ok wit dat!"
RJ finished, "If that's what you need," and he pulled out his knife.
Spinner shouted, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I cannot let you take the life of C-bring. He may be a half-witted simpleton, he may have a foul, foul odor, he may cause feelings of intense hatred and violent tendencies, he may even suck the intelligence out of every room he enters, but he is my man servant, and I need him."
Ttony replied, "Aw com-mon lady."
Joey added, "Are you nuts, funnzagoon!"
RJ finished, "We're off scott-free if we whack the little bastard."
Spinner began crying, "I can't... I just can't let him die. He's... he's... he's the one that actually cooks all of my dishes. I have him cook and tell people it was my cooking cause no one would ever eat anything that he had cooked because they were afraid he had drooled or snotted in whatever he was cooking, not to mention he is constantly picking his ass, so the health inspectors would have shut the diner down."
"Well," MyBig shrugged, "I need someone to die or you all die. It's in the rulebook.
"What if I showed you my panties... they have shiny stuff on them," Spinner offered.
MyBig smiled widely, "Well sweetass, you got yourself a deal."
Shortly, the group was on the way again, with two knew friends in tow. They each knew that although the trip had been difficult so far, what was up ahead was going to be hard and difficult, like a Swedish male porn star trying to actually "feel" what the Pizza Boy was feeling despite it being the fifty-third take and the director telling him to just shut up and fuck!