With special thanks to Owen for the story idea.
As The Hairy Cankle Turns Part 12
Gut Check
They had been traveling along the riverbed for what seemed miles upon miles. In truth, it had been only fifty feet, but it took forever because even though Redman had his Lark beefed up, it was still extremely slow.
The mist hung heavy over the riverbanks. It was thick. Thick like pea soup, which is probably a lost metaphor since no one in their right mind would even know what the hell pea soup is.
The group was coming to a dead end along the river. They had reached a part of Sullivan River where it passes between Mount Tina and Mount Doris. Long before the battle, the landscape in Orlando was flat, but the battle changed everything from the people to the very make up of the land.
The twin pair of mountains were treacherous and enormous. Their only way to get past them was to go between them. But that is where Sullivan River flowed. The water was foul and poisonous. It was inhabited by some of the most frightening creatures to evolve on this world.
The Savannah, a bottom feeding giant shark like creature could tear a man apart in a matter of seconds. The Dirty Catfish were an abomination. They were catfish that had grown whiskers strong and sharp. They used them to skewer their victims. Legend has it that they will let the meat rot on their whiskers for weeks before they feed on them. This is one of many explanations for the green appearance of their teeth.
There live many more hideous creatures in the pocket of Sullivan River, such as the goatfish, the Bean, and the Wilson. Each has its own story of evolution gone wrong.
The weary travelers sat at the basin of the twin mountains on the coast of Sullivan River trying to devise a plan to continue their quest. Meanwhile, high atop Mount Tina, there were others that had plans for the group below.
CPK: I fucking can't fucking believe this shit. Nos was the fucking leader that was the fucking way it was. I'm fucking bored and we haven't fucking killed any one in fucking months.
PUFFY: Well Nos is gone, the fucking wuss couldn't handle it and he's fucking gone.
BEASTIE: I'd suggest watching your fucking mouth when you talk about Nos. CPK was kinda fond of the guy, and he was the leader.
TYLER DURDEN: Shit... I think I left my papers back at the cave... anyone got any papers?
PUFFY: Well... he's gone... anyone dispute that fact? And he chose me for a reason. Simply put... I'm a badass.
CPK: Fucking A... so you can pull limbs off of people... try fucking pulling out internal organs.
PUFFY: Yeah... diving into asses is something I would be jealous of.
CPK: You want me to fucking kill you right now? Huh... It's been months since I fucking off'ed someone and I've had that fucking itch.
BEASTIE: Would you two fucking calm down? I'm sure there is someone out there that we can kill. We just have to keep looking. And we don't really need a leader, I mean, Nos was in charge cause it was kinda cool busting into someone's place and standing above them while they shivered in fear on the floor. Then Nossy would start on one of his long tirades and stuff, talking on and on and on... it as like foreplay and stuff and just built the excitement before we popped a cap in someone's ass. Other than that we kinda all were in charge, which is the way it should be now cause without Nos... we only have each other. As little compensation as that may seem right now, I'm sure it will prove to be more valuable than you will ever know in a chapter in our lives that is yet to be written.
PUFFY: Whoa!
CPK: Whoa!
TYLER DURDEN: Hey guys. How cool would it be to kill a chubby dude on a motorized wagon, a strange looking guy that is probably gay and another weird guy that is more than likley bi-curious given enough alcohol and the right situation.
PUFFY, CPK, BEASTIE: WHAT???
TYLER DURDEN: Come over here and look. Here, use my binoculars. Down there.
CPK: Well Yippy Kai Yay Muther fuckers
PUFFY: Fucking Infidels... how fucking dare they try to pass. JIHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
With that, Puffy leapt of the side of the mountain, twisting and tumbling in the air. She pulled a chord handing from between her legs and opened her nap-sack, releasing a parachute.
BEASTIE: Stupid bitch. Well Chili... let's do it!
TYLER DURDEN: Hey... wait up!
All three followed Puffy down the side of the mountain. They all landed on a ledge about 200 feet above the travelers.
Down Below...
DARKONE: Did you see that?
REDMAN: I know those markings. There was rumors of a clandestine group long ago that were killing machines. I bought some of their medals on ebay.
FIRESITE: Would you two shut up. We need to figure out how to get around these mountains. The river is out of the question, since every piece of wood we stick on the surface dissolves in a matter of seconds.
DARKONE: Are you not worried at all... I mean... there were four of them. There is only two of us.
REDMAN: HEEEEEEEY!
DARKONE: Okay... two of us and one of those.
FIRESITE: I'm more concerned with getting over there. If we don't get over there, we will lose our chance at the money.
Up on the ledge...
CPK: FUCK!
PUFFY: Well this sucks. My chute is torn to shred and we are still too high to jump the rest of the way down.
BEASTIE: Well... I know it is not as good... but... we can attack from here. It will immobilize them... and then this cave behind us should lead to the base of the mountain. We can knock those three out long enough to hod them til we get down there. Then, we'll haul ass so we can get all up close and personal.
TYLER DURDEN: I think I dropped my lighter on the way down.
PUFFY: Not a bad idea... Chili... use your fist launcher... aim at the ground near them. The Fist grenade should be enough to knock them out for a good nap.
CPK: K... but I haven't used this fucking thing in months... Ready... AIM... uhhhh... you guys might want to back up into the cave a bit... Just in case...
BEASTIE: Remember... hit the ground near them.
CPK: Fucking FIRE!!!
Down Below:
DARKONE: Did you hear that?
FIRESITE: Oh... fucking... shit... EVERYBODY DOWN!!!!
CPK's fist grenade flew through the air landing several feet away from Redman's feet. It came to a stop and just sat there.
Up top...
CPK: Fucking shit... a dud... the damn things got rusty.
BEASTIE: Are you sure you set the timer right?
CPK: Oh yeah... oops.
Down Below...
REDMAN: Guys... it's ticking
DARKONE: We're all gonna diiiiiie. Hold me Firesite.
FIRESITE: This sucks... and no... I am not going to die in the arms of another man.
REDMAN: I'll save you guys!!!
Redman begins lifting himself out of his wagon. He has made up his mind that today... he is going to be a hero.
Up top...
PUFFY: Well, damn... how long is the timer on that thing.
CPK: Looks like that was set for like five minutes.
BEASTIE: Well... let's get going. If we don't get lost in the maze of tunnels, it should still take us about a half an hour to get down there.
Down Below...
Redman runs as fast as he can and sits down on the grenade just as it explodes. The shrapnel and explosion rip through his internal organs and send his innards flying through the air covering the entire valley. It rains Redman guts for several minutes. pieces and parts cover the ground and surface of the river.
FIRESITE: Wow. (blink) WOW! That was fucking cool.
DARKONE: DAMN that was awesome.
FIRESITE: Did you see how high his toe went? Damn that was cool.
DARKSIDE: AHAHAHAA... Oh man, I wish I had a video camera... that was awesome!!!
FIRESITE: I need to get one of those guns... that was so fucking cool!
DARKONE: It's too bad about Redman huh?
FIRESITE: Yeah... but that was too fucking cool man... damn that was cool.
DARKONE: Eww... what the hell did he eat for breakfast.
FIRESITE: Look at the poor bastard... he saved our lives you know.
DARKONE: Yeah... but that was still fucking cool.
Redman was slump over on the ground. He had been completely gutted. He was hollowed out like a tree trunk used by Indians as a canoe.
FIRESITE: Hey... Darkie... look in the water.
DARKONE: He's not dissolving... he's not sinking...
FIRESITE: Oh my god... The fucker is going to save us again.
DARKONE: Redman Boat?
FIRESITE: Redman Boat!!!
The two blood-splattered friends slide the Redman carcass into the water and tested his buoyancy. Like Noah's ark, The SS Redman was unsinkable. They grabbed his severed arms, hopped on board, and paddled down the river between the mountains...
off to Testosterone Mountain...
off to capture the SoopDragon...
off to claim their desitiny.
(Fade to Black)
As The Hairy Cankle Turns Part 12
Gut Check
They had been traveling along the riverbed for what seemed miles upon miles. In truth, it had been only fifty feet, but it took forever because even though Redman had his Lark beefed up, it was still extremely slow.
The mist hung heavy over the riverbanks. It was thick. Thick like pea soup, which is probably a lost metaphor since no one in their right mind would even know what the hell pea soup is.
The group was coming to a dead end along the river. They had reached a part of Sullivan River where it passes between Mount Tina and Mount Doris. Long before the battle, the landscape in Orlando was flat, but the battle changed everything from the people to the very make up of the land.
The twin pair of mountains were treacherous and enormous. Their only way to get past them was to go between them. But that is where Sullivan River flowed. The water was foul and poisonous. It was inhabited by some of the most frightening creatures to evolve on this world.
The Savannah, a bottom feeding giant shark like creature could tear a man apart in a matter of seconds. The Dirty Catfish were an abomination. They were catfish that had grown whiskers strong and sharp. They used them to skewer their victims. Legend has it that they will let the meat rot on their whiskers for weeks before they feed on them. This is one of many explanations for the green appearance of their teeth.
There live many more hideous creatures in the pocket of Sullivan River, such as the goatfish, the Bean, and the Wilson. Each has its own story of evolution gone wrong.
The weary travelers sat at the basin of the twin mountains on the coast of Sullivan River trying to devise a plan to continue their quest. Meanwhile, high atop Mount Tina, there were others that had plans for the group below.
CPK: I fucking can't fucking believe this shit. Nos was the fucking leader that was the fucking way it was. I'm fucking bored and we haven't fucking killed any one in fucking months.
PUFFY: Well Nos is gone, the fucking wuss couldn't handle it and he's fucking gone.
BEASTIE: I'd suggest watching your fucking mouth when you talk about Nos. CPK was kinda fond of the guy, and he was the leader.
TYLER DURDEN: Shit... I think I left my papers back at the cave... anyone got any papers?
PUFFY: Well... he's gone... anyone dispute that fact? And he chose me for a reason. Simply put... I'm a badass.
CPK: Fucking A... so you can pull limbs off of people... try fucking pulling out internal organs.
PUFFY: Yeah... diving into asses is something I would be jealous of.
CPK: You want me to fucking kill you right now? Huh... It's been months since I fucking off'ed someone and I've had that fucking itch.
BEASTIE: Would you two fucking calm down? I'm sure there is someone out there that we can kill. We just have to keep looking. And we don't really need a leader, I mean, Nos was in charge cause it was kinda cool busting into someone's place and standing above them while they shivered in fear on the floor. Then Nossy would start on one of his long tirades and stuff, talking on and on and on... it as like foreplay and stuff and just built the excitement before we popped a cap in someone's ass. Other than that we kinda all were in charge, which is the way it should be now cause without Nos... we only have each other. As little compensation as that may seem right now, I'm sure it will prove to be more valuable than you will ever know in a chapter in our lives that is yet to be written.
PUFFY: Whoa!
CPK: Whoa!
TYLER DURDEN: Hey guys. How cool would it be to kill a chubby dude on a motorized wagon, a strange looking guy that is probably gay and another weird guy that is more than likley bi-curious given enough alcohol and the right situation.
PUFFY, CPK, BEASTIE: WHAT???
TYLER DURDEN: Come over here and look. Here, use my binoculars. Down there.
CPK: Well Yippy Kai Yay Muther fuckers
PUFFY: Fucking Infidels... how fucking dare they try to pass. JIHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
With that, Puffy leapt of the side of the mountain, twisting and tumbling in the air. She pulled a chord handing from between her legs and opened her nap-sack, releasing a parachute.
BEASTIE: Stupid bitch. Well Chili... let's do it!
TYLER DURDEN: Hey... wait up!
All three followed Puffy down the side of the mountain. They all landed on a ledge about 200 feet above the travelers.
Down Below...
DARKONE: Did you see that?
REDMAN: I know those markings. There was rumors of a clandestine group long ago that were killing machines. I bought some of their medals on ebay.
FIRESITE: Would you two shut up. We need to figure out how to get around these mountains. The river is out of the question, since every piece of wood we stick on the surface dissolves in a matter of seconds.
DARKONE: Are you not worried at all... I mean... there were four of them. There is only two of us.
REDMAN: HEEEEEEEY!
DARKONE: Okay... two of us and one of those.
FIRESITE: I'm more concerned with getting over there. If we don't get over there, we will lose our chance at the money.
Up on the ledge...
CPK: FUCK!
PUFFY: Well this sucks. My chute is torn to shred and we are still too high to jump the rest of the way down.
BEASTIE: Well... I know it is not as good... but... we can attack from here. It will immobilize them... and then this cave behind us should lead to the base of the mountain. We can knock those three out long enough to hod them til we get down there. Then, we'll haul ass so we can get all up close and personal.
TYLER DURDEN: I think I dropped my lighter on the way down.
PUFFY: Not a bad idea... Chili... use your fist launcher... aim at the ground near them. The Fist grenade should be enough to knock them out for a good nap.
CPK: K... but I haven't used this fucking thing in months... Ready... AIM... uhhhh... you guys might want to back up into the cave a bit... Just in case...
BEASTIE: Remember... hit the ground near them.
CPK: Fucking FIRE!!!
Down Below:
DARKONE: Did you hear that?
FIRESITE: Oh... fucking... shit... EVERYBODY DOWN!!!!
CPK's fist grenade flew through the air landing several feet away from Redman's feet. It came to a stop and just sat there.
Up top...
CPK: Fucking shit... a dud... the damn things got rusty.
BEASTIE: Are you sure you set the timer right?
CPK: Oh yeah... oops.
Down Below...
REDMAN: Guys... it's ticking
DARKONE: We're all gonna diiiiiie. Hold me Firesite.
FIRESITE: This sucks... and no... I am not going to die in the arms of another man.
REDMAN: I'll save you guys!!!
Redman begins lifting himself out of his wagon. He has made up his mind that today... he is going to be a hero.
Up top...
PUFFY: Well, damn... how long is the timer on that thing.
CPK: Looks like that was set for like five minutes.
BEASTIE: Well... let's get going. If we don't get lost in the maze of tunnels, it should still take us about a half an hour to get down there.
Down Below...
Redman runs as fast as he can and sits down on the grenade just as it explodes. The shrapnel and explosion rip through his internal organs and send his innards flying through the air covering the entire valley. It rains Redman guts for several minutes. pieces and parts cover the ground and surface of the river.
FIRESITE: Wow. (blink) WOW! That was fucking cool.
DARKONE: DAMN that was awesome.
FIRESITE: Did you see how high his toe went? Damn that was cool.
DARKSIDE: AHAHAHAA... Oh man, I wish I had a video camera... that was awesome!!!
FIRESITE: I need to get one of those guns... that was so fucking cool!
DARKONE: It's too bad about Redman huh?
FIRESITE: Yeah... but that was too fucking cool man... damn that was cool.
DARKONE: Eww... what the hell did he eat for breakfast.
FIRESITE: Look at the poor bastard... he saved our lives you know.
DARKONE: Yeah... but that was still fucking cool.
Redman was slump over on the ground. He had been completely gutted. He was hollowed out like a tree trunk used by Indians as a canoe.
FIRESITE: Hey... Darkie... look in the water.
DARKONE: He's not dissolving... he's not sinking...
FIRESITE: Oh my god... The fucker is going to save us again.
DARKONE: Redman Boat?
FIRESITE: Redman Boat!!!
The two blood-splattered friends slide the Redman carcass into the water and tested his buoyancy. Like Noah's ark, The SS Redman was unsinkable. They grabbed his severed arms, hopped on board, and paddled down the river between the mountains...
off to Testosterone Mountain...
off to capture the SoopDragon...
off to claim their desitiny.
(Fade to Black)