As The Hairy Cankle Turns
Part 13
The Oracle's Tale
Many things have come to pass in the years since the world was uprooted from its peaceful existence. Since the day the evil was put to rest, the human race has changed. Many tribes of people emerged, each gaining certain talents, powers, and gifts.
(Scene: Inside a large armored SUV. D is driving with her playthings sitting side by side in the back seat.)
WEBHEAD: Mistress... Blowinup is on my side.
BLOWINUP: No, I'm not. He's just being a baby cause I know how to update Microsoft's SQL to prevent a worm program from infesting the server and causing it to crash and he doesn't.
WEBHEAD: That is so not true... Blowinup, Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
D: Would the two of you please shut your traps... It's hard enough driving on this god forsaken road without me having to pull over, pull your pants down and whip your asses right here on the side of the road... besides... I was saving that for later.
BLOWINUP: Sorry... he's just so sensitive about his lack of skills and he is jealous.
WEBHEAD: Sorry D. I'll kill you later Blowinup.
D: We're almost there.
The roads were nothing like they once were. Once they were smooth and packed full of cars. In the world today they are mere shadows of the circulatory system that fed the city. It was also rare to find another vehicle anywhere near downtown. The city was infested with Butchfisters, a small, vicious creature that attacked in packs, devouring any living thing they can find.
But, sometimes there were a few brave souls that would face the odds in order to seek out the Oracle. Of those that survived the events that changed the Earth, the Oracles were the most revered. They had knowledge of both the past and the future. They were sought out but lost souls looking for a purpose.
As the years rolled on, bandits, outlaws, and those that attempted to rule the land eliminated all but one of the Oracles. It was once written: "in order to shepard the sheep, you must keep them from the truth speakers. The most effective means... kill the truth speakers."
Of the tribe that had gained the gift of sight, sight beyond our world, only one remained.
D: Okay kids... were here.
BLOWINUP: Can I get a lollipop?
WEBHEAD: Hee... FAG!
BLOWINUP: What ever simpleton!
D: Listen you little shits. I am going to go talk to a very important lady. I don't want to be embarrassed. If you so much as sneeze, there will be hell to pay.
(The door to the building creaks open.)
BETTEROFFHERE: Welcome
D: Hi, I'm...
BETTEROFFHERE: D, and you are here to seek the wisdom of the Oracle.
D: Wow.
BETTEROFFHERE: I am BetterOffHere
D: After putting up with these two... so am I.
BETTEROFFHERE: Climb the stairs to the left... she is waiting for you.
(D and the boys climb the winding stairs that take them to the inner sanctum of the Oracle. It is plush with red velvet tapestry. The purple couch is covered with neon green pillows that are shaped like anatomically correct gingerbread men. The giant glass table holds a cavalcade of half melted candles.)
BLOWINUP: Wow... it looks like Webbie's interior decorator threw up in here.
WEBHEAD: I am so gonna kick your ass.
D: Shhhhhhhhh
(From behind a sheer black curtain Astrogirl appears. She is dressed like Mari Osmond with a huge collar and shiny white patent leather shoes. She has a giant gold medallion dangling between her breasts.)
ASTROGIRL: Hey D, what's up girl. Sheeeeeee... You lookin good girl!
D: Astrogirl??? Wow, we all thought you.. uh... well... Good to see you.
ASTROGIRL: Damn honey... lotsa peeps be thinkin I be dead... It bettah that ways for securities. Lots o' fukkers be buggin and shit tryins to kills me. But I still a boot in dey ass... sheeeee... ain't no one gonna fuk wit me and gets away wit it. Have a seat home girl. Whatch'choo be wantin ta know.
D: You? You're the Oracle?
ASTROGIRL: Don't be frontin Home girl... I always be havin that special giff... aftah da whirl sploded... I got... betteh visions.
D: Well... ok... I need to know how to beat Spinner. I need to know how to cook a dish that will finally beat Spinner and shut her up for good. It's a small thing really... and I'll split the prize with you.
ASTROGIRL: Sheeeee... sound goods ta me! Aaaaight... now... Some time it be hard fors me to pinspoint a Pacific think... so's bares wit me...
(Astrogirl leaned far back on the couch entering a higher state of consciousness... and also exposing a little cleavage which neither Webhead nor BlowinUp failed to notice.)
ASTROGIRL:
What you seek is a pinnacle moment in time. The fulcrum on which the balance of the entire universe balances upon. The journey, the past, the future, and the existence of the universe all lie within the answer to your question... follow my thoughts, and hear my words.
Throughout the ages there has been a struggle for power. Men, women, and gods a like. For eons there has been one truth to these battles. There have always been two sides. One dark, the other light, one good, the other evil.
Many years ago, that balance was lost. A ring of fire engulfed the word and banished the evil. Good was triumphant, but at what cost? The world was forever changed.
Light was victorious, but much dimmer than it once was. Chaos, anarchy, and confusion ruled the world. Factions rose out of the ashes. Black and white were nothing but unending greys.
Murder, deceit, Boysenberry pies, and cars made in India. Mother Earth is lost and wandering around in the darkness.
Darkness was banished from her soil, but he is waiting to return. This time though, the outcome will be different. Once good men stood together to battle evil. Once, all the great warriors stood side by side.
Now, they fight each other. Evil will return... but this time, the price is much much higher.
There is now, several factions converging on a destination. They are but pawns in a bigger game. These factions battle each other out of spite and greed. They seek the mythical SoopDragon for the power to woo and please. They hunger for a victory that is shallow and meaningless... especially when you take into consideration the state of the economy and inflation and the taxes the little bastards with the death squads take... a billion bucks ain't all that much.
The next level are those that are hiding in the shadows, thinking they are puppet masters. Those that are waiting for the sheep to do the dirty work. They seek the ultimate power of the mystical SoopDragon in order to produce fear and loyalty in the rest of the world so they can fulfill a dream of power and control. However, they themselves are only puppets.
One level further and we see the evil beings that have been waiting for their triumphant return to Earth. Banishment is a cruel and bitter drink. They seek to punish those that have kept them from their home. Vegas is giving odds (+25 Good Guys, -37 Bad Guys) on this one... it seems that while the good was scattered and childish, Evil was focused and in training.
And still... oh... I grow weak... and still there is... so tired... there is still one more... I can...............
(Astrogirl falls into a coma like slumber.)
BETTEROFFHERE: She has traveled far and wide on the astral plane... you must leave at once.
D: Uhm... SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO COOK FOR THE PARTY!?!?!!
(CUT TO NEXT SEASON TRAILER)
The Oracle's Tale
Many things have come to pass in the years since the world was uprooted from its peaceful existence. Since the day the evil was put to rest, the human race has changed. Many tribes of people emerged, each gaining certain talents, powers, and gifts.
(Scene: Inside a large armored SUV. D is driving with her playthings sitting side by side in the back seat.)
WEBHEAD: Mistress... Blowinup is on my side.
BLOWINUP: No, I'm not. He's just being a baby cause I know how to update Microsoft's SQL to prevent a worm program from infesting the server and causing it to crash and he doesn't.
WEBHEAD: That is so not true... Blowinup, Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
D: Would the two of you please shut your traps... It's hard enough driving on this god forsaken road without me having to pull over, pull your pants down and whip your asses right here on the side of the road... besides... I was saving that for later.
BLOWINUP: Sorry... he's just so sensitive about his lack of skills and he is jealous.
WEBHEAD: Sorry D. I'll kill you later Blowinup.
D: We're almost there.
The roads were nothing like they once were. Once they were smooth and packed full of cars. In the world today they are mere shadows of the circulatory system that fed the city. It was also rare to find another vehicle anywhere near downtown. The city was infested with Butchfisters, a small, vicious creature that attacked in packs, devouring any living thing they can find.
But, sometimes there were a few brave souls that would face the odds in order to seek out the Oracle. Of those that survived the events that changed the Earth, the Oracles were the most revered. They had knowledge of both the past and the future. They were sought out but lost souls looking for a purpose.
As the years rolled on, bandits, outlaws, and those that attempted to rule the land eliminated all but one of the Oracles. It was once written: "in order to shepard the sheep, you must keep them from the truth speakers. The most effective means... kill the truth speakers."
Of the tribe that had gained the gift of sight, sight beyond our world, only one remained.
D: Okay kids... were here.
BLOWINUP: Can I get a lollipop?
WEBHEAD: Hee... FAG!
BLOWINUP: What ever simpleton!
D: Listen you little shits. I am going to go talk to a very important lady. I don't want to be embarrassed. If you so much as sneeze, there will be hell to pay.
(The door to the building creaks open.)
BETTEROFFHERE: Welcome
D: Hi, I'm...
BETTEROFFHERE: D, and you are here to seek the wisdom of the Oracle.
D: Wow.
BETTEROFFHERE: I am BetterOffHere
D: After putting up with these two... so am I.
BETTEROFFHERE: Climb the stairs to the left... she is waiting for you.
(D and the boys climb the winding stairs that take them to the inner sanctum of the Oracle. It is plush with red velvet tapestry. The purple couch is covered with neon green pillows that are shaped like anatomically correct gingerbread men. The giant glass table holds a cavalcade of half melted candles.)
BLOWINUP: Wow... it looks like Webbie's interior decorator threw up in here.
WEBHEAD: I am so gonna kick your ass.
D: Shhhhhhhhh
(From behind a sheer black curtain Astrogirl appears. She is dressed like Mari Osmond with a huge collar and shiny white patent leather shoes. She has a giant gold medallion dangling between her breasts.)
ASTROGIRL: Hey D, what's up girl. Sheeeeeee... You lookin good girl!
D: Astrogirl??? Wow, we all thought you.. uh... well... Good to see you.
ASTROGIRL: Damn honey... lotsa peeps be thinkin I be dead... It bettah that ways for securities. Lots o' fukkers be buggin and shit tryins to kills me. But I still a boot in dey ass... sheeeee... ain't no one gonna fuk wit me and gets away wit it. Have a seat home girl. Whatch'choo be wantin ta know.
D: You? You're the Oracle?
ASTROGIRL: Don't be frontin Home girl... I always be havin that special giff... aftah da whirl sploded... I got... betteh visions.
D: Well... ok... I need to know how to beat Spinner. I need to know how to cook a dish that will finally beat Spinner and shut her up for good. It's a small thing really... and I'll split the prize with you.
ASTROGIRL: Sheeeee... sound goods ta me! Aaaaight... now... Some time it be hard fors me to pinspoint a Pacific think... so's bares wit me...
(Astrogirl leaned far back on the couch entering a higher state of consciousness... and also exposing a little cleavage which neither Webhead nor BlowinUp failed to notice.)
ASTROGIRL:
What you seek is a pinnacle moment in time. The fulcrum on which the balance of the entire universe balances upon. The journey, the past, the future, and the existence of the universe all lie within the answer to your question... follow my thoughts, and hear my words.
Throughout the ages there has been a struggle for power. Men, women, and gods a like. For eons there has been one truth to these battles. There have always been two sides. One dark, the other light, one good, the other evil.
Many years ago, that balance was lost. A ring of fire engulfed the word and banished the evil. Good was triumphant, but at what cost? The world was forever changed.
Light was victorious, but much dimmer than it once was. Chaos, anarchy, and confusion ruled the world. Factions rose out of the ashes. Black and white were nothing but unending greys.
Murder, deceit, Boysenberry pies, and cars made in India. Mother Earth is lost and wandering around in the darkness.
Darkness was banished from her soil, but he is waiting to return. This time though, the outcome will be different. Once good men stood together to battle evil. Once, all the great warriors stood side by side.
Now, they fight each other. Evil will return... but this time, the price is much much higher.
There is now, several factions converging on a destination. They are but pawns in a bigger game. These factions battle each other out of spite and greed. They seek the mythical SoopDragon for the power to woo and please. They hunger for a victory that is shallow and meaningless... especially when you take into consideration the state of the economy and inflation and the taxes the little bastards with the death squads take... a billion bucks ain't all that much.
The next level are those that are hiding in the shadows, thinking they are puppet masters. Those that are waiting for the sheep to do the dirty work. They seek the ultimate power of the mystical SoopDragon in order to produce fear and loyalty in the rest of the world so they can fulfill a dream of power and control. However, they themselves are only puppets.
One level further and we see the evil beings that have been waiting for their triumphant return to Earth. Banishment is a cruel and bitter drink. They seek to punish those that have kept them from their home. Vegas is giving odds (+25 Good Guys, -37 Bad Guys) on this one... it seems that while the good was scattered and childish, Evil was focused and in training.
And still... oh... I grow weak... and still there is... so tired... there is still one more... I can...............
(Astrogirl falls into a coma like slumber.)
BETTEROFFHERE: She has traveled far and wide on the astral plane... you must leave at once.
D: Uhm... SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO COOK FOR THE PARTY!?!?!!
(CUT TO NEXT SEASON TRAILER)