AS THE HAIRY CANKLE TURNS
SEASON 2
EPISODE 1
The Last Oracle?
ENTER A ROOM WHICH IS SPARSELY LIT. THERE IS A RED GLOW BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS FROM A CANDLE ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE ROOM. A FIGURE SITTING BY THE CANDLE CASTS A HUGE SHADOW ALL AROUND THE ROOM.
ISOL8D: So... all the sheep are being herded, are they... excellent!
MAMA JUGGS: The origami crows have been following all of the players.
ISOL8D: King's rook to queen five... so to speak.
MAMA JUGGS (Blank stare)
ISOL8D: It's a chess reference. It means... oh forget it. Everything I WANT to happen, is happening as it should.
MAMA JUGGS: Good. Does this mean I can take some time off to play with some of my toys?
ISOL8D: Foul wench... we still have much work to do and the Oracle will be here soon!
MAMA JUGGS: You know... this really sucks... why couldn't I get a part like D... she has guys in leather G-strings prancing around all over creation, she has a kick ass mansion... and I'm stuck in this dark cave with some freak who gets more pleasure folding paper than juggling my bazoomers.
ISOL8D: When this is all taken care of you will be well satisfied. My origami soldiers will see to that.
CUT SCENE
HIGH ON THE MOUNTAIN TOP IN TIBET DREAMER AND NOS ARE SHARING A PIPE.
DREAMER: See... I'm one of the Oracles. About ten years ago, they tried to prove that I was just some groupie or hanger-on. They all thought I was too young to process the awesome powers of an Oracle. Then, there was the slaughter. Some punk ass bitches came up into the Temple and started blasting shit away. Only two of us survived.
NOS: I know how you feel. I was the leader of one of the death squads. I was trying to take control, but they thought I was too young as well. They kept telling me to bide my time. Fuck that! I could out think them, I could out learn them, I could out philosophize them... and I was gonna out last them. In fact... I did outlast them. I'm the last general of the death squads.
DREAMER: You aren't the piece of shit that took down the temple are you... cause I'll fuckin whack you right here... I lost my fuckin best pipe when then roof collapsed.
NOS: Nah... our group was busy ripping the livers out of some old folks in Miami at the time. Hey, you said there were two of you left... where's the other one.
Henry the Chronic Dog comes hauling ass around a rock with a big fatty in his mouth.
DREAMER: This is Henry. He and I are the last of the Oracles.
NOS: Uhm... sweetcheeks... he's a fuckin dog.
HENRY THE CHRONIC DOG: So what if I am, you're still a punk kid with a shit-load of pent up angst.
NOS: What the fuck is in this pipe?
DREAMER: Relax stupid. He's an Oracle. He's got special powers.
NOS: He's a fuckin dog.
HENRY THE CHRONIC DOG: Hey... look at Mr. Zoologist here with the big brain on him. Yes, I'm a dog.
NOS: This scene is seriously fucked up. HENRY THE CHRONIC DOG: You see kid, the world nowadays is a weird and wacky place. They say that there is this one kid that can punch people in the ass, reach up, and pull out their livers. Now how fucked up is a talking dog next to that?
NOS: All I know is that the other day I was slaughtering stupid people, then a voice came out of the sky and I asked it to kill me... I blew up in a blinding light... ended up on a mountain top... now I see a talking dog. I feel like I'm Jim Morrison in that movie
DREAMER: The Doors?
NOS: No... Wayne's World Two!
HENRY THE CHRONIC DOG: Look... I'm gonna go score some Funyuns (Cash Register sound... Henry smiles at the camera)... and chow down. When you decide to get your head out of your ass... I'll spit the low down on the showdown. PEACE!
Henry walks back around the rock from whence he came. Close up on Nos with a very puzzled look on his face.
CUT SCENE
THE CAMERA FOLLOWS CROWD AND MISSY CLIMBING INTO THE OLD RUINS DISNEY'S SPACE MOUNTAIN. THERE ARE PILES OF BUSTED RADIO EVERYWHERE. A VOICE COME OVER THE LOUD SPEAKER
VOICE (V.O.): Who dares disturb the sanctity of the temple, who is it that seeks the Informer? Who wants to face the Phantom?
MISSY: Oh my god oh my god oh my god
CROWD: Chill... it's just some whack a nut with a microphone
MISSY: No Crowd... there... it's a bug... kill it kill it kill it oh my god.
CROWD: You have got to be kidding me.
MISSY: Kill it kill it kill it kill it kill it
(crowd steps on the bug with a nice sounding squish. Bug guts splatter one of the radios)
CROWD: Happy now? (crowd leans back and shouts into the rafters) Mr. Radio!!! I got some old tapes for you... get your ass out here.
MR. RADIO (V.O.): Rock... be right down.
MISSY: What tapes?
CROWD: Look in the purple bag... wait... no... it was in my pink bag. There are thirteen tapes in there... some old radio shows. I figured if we wanted something from him... we needed to bring a little gift. He's a severe radio geek.
MR. RADIO: Heeeey... crowd... long time man... damn... what happen to your eye? Oh... don't tell me... you were on the highway... uuuhh... 417... and you were just passing where it crosses old 50 and... uh... let's see... (Mr. Radio goes into a deep concentration) you got hit by a nice bottle rocket strapped with high explosives... I'd strike a guess that it was the Road Warrior.
MISSY: How'd... how... how
MR. RADIO: How Tonto... Me am Oracle.
CROWD: Missy... I'd like you to meet the last living Oracle.
MISSY: But they said all of the Oracles were slaughtered.
MR. RADIO: All but one. Thanks to my radio fetish... I was able to listen in and hear about the attack... unfortunately... everyone at the temple ignored my doomsday prophecy and... well... they all got gutted.
MISSY: crowd... is he going...
MR. RADIO: to be able to help you figure out what a SoopDragon is. Sure. I got a few reliable sources.
CROWD: Here's the tapes. Sorry it took so long, but finding equipment that works is a bitch.
MR. RADIO: No problem. Come on up and take a look at some of the stuff I got from the Maitland center.
CROWD: I'd love to, but we came here on business. We only have about two and a half months to get this recipe done and get to the party.
MR. RADIO: Ahhh... well... sit for a spell and let me tell you what you need to know. First... the fucker lives on Testosterone Mountain...
Scene fades out as Mr. Radio tells Missy and crowd all about the SoopDragon.
CUT SCENE
MAMA JUGGS IS RETURNING TO THE ISOL8D'S WORKSHOP. THERE IS A DARK FIGURE STANDING BEHIND HER.
MAMA JUGGS: Sir, the Oracle is here.
ISOL8D: Excellent!
STAINS: ISO... you fuckin piece of shit.
ISOL8D: Nice to see you wind bag.
STAINS: Look you fuck, I'm only helping you because it will help bring an end to all of these fucks forever.
ISOL8D: And I'm only dealing with you cause you're the last fucking Oracle. I'm not the most thrilled about this.
STAINS: Deal with it fuck wad.
ISOL8D: Well... what do you have for me?
Action stops and dramatic music is queued up.
Roll credits.
The Last Oracle?
ENTER A ROOM WHICH IS SPARSELY LIT. THERE IS A RED GLOW BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS FROM A CANDLE ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE ROOM. A FIGURE SITTING BY THE CANDLE CASTS A HUGE SHADOW ALL AROUND THE ROOM.
ISOL8D: So... all the sheep are being herded, are they... excellent!
MAMA JUGGS: The origami crows have been following all of the players.
ISOL8D: King's rook to queen five... so to speak.
MAMA JUGGS (Blank stare)
ISOL8D: It's a chess reference. It means... oh forget it. Everything I WANT to happen, is happening as it should.
MAMA JUGGS: Good. Does this mean I can take some time off to play with some of my toys?
ISOL8D: Foul wench... we still have much work to do and the Oracle will be here soon!
MAMA JUGGS: You know... this really sucks... why couldn't I get a part like D... she has guys in leather G-strings prancing around all over creation, she has a kick ass mansion... and I'm stuck in this dark cave with some freak who gets more pleasure folding paper than juggling my bazoomers.
ISOL8D: When this is all taken care of you will be well satisfied. My origami soldiers will see to that.
CUT SCENE
HIGH ON THE MOUNTAIN TOP IN TIBET DREAMER AND NOS ARE SHARING A PIPE.
DREAMER: See... I'm one of the Oracles. About ten years ago, they tried to prove that I was just some groupie or hanger-on. They all thought I was too young to process the awesome powers of an Oracle. Then, there was the slaughter. Some punk ass bitches came up into the Temple and started blasting shit away. Only two of us survived.
NOS: I know how you feel. I was the leader of one of the death squads. I was trying to take control, but they thought I was too young as well. They kept telling me to bide my time. Fuck that! I could out think them, I could out learn them, I could out philosophize them... and I was gonna out last them. In fact... I did outlast them. I'm the last general of the death squads.
DREAMER: You aren't the piece of shit that took down the temple are you... cause I'll fuckin whack you right here... I lost my fuckin best pipe when then roof collapsed.
NOS: Nah... our group was busy ripping the livers out of some old folks in Miami at the time. Hey, you said there were two of you left... where's the other one.
Henry the Chronic Dog comes hauling ass around a rock with a big fatty in his mouth.
DREAMER: This is Henry. He and I are the last of the Oracles.
NOS: Uhm... sweetcheeks... he's a fuckin dog.
HENRY THE CHRONIC DOG: So what if I am, you're still a punk kid with a shit-load of pent up angst.
NOS: What the fuck is in this pipe?
DREAMER: Relax stupid. He's an Oracle. He's got special powers.
NOS: He's a fuckin dog.
HENRY THE CHRONIC DOG: Hey... look at Mr. Zoologist here with the big brain on him. Yes, I'm a dog.
NOS: This scene is seriously fucked up. HENRY THE CHRONIC DOG: You see kid, the world nowadays is a weird and wacky place. They say that there is this one kid that can punch people in the ass, reach up, and pull out their livers. Now how fucked up is a talking dog next to that?
NOS: All I know is that the other day I was slaughtering stupid people, then a voice came out of the sky and I asked it to kill me... I blew up in a blinding light... ended up on a mountain top... now I see a talking dog. I feel like I'm Jim Morrison in that movie
DREAMER: The Doors?
NOS: No... Wayne's World Two!
HENRY THE CHRONIC DOG: Look... I'm gonna go score some Funyuns (Cash Register sound... Henry smiles at the camera)... and chow down. When you decide to get your head out of your ass... I'll spit the low down on the showdown. PEACE!
Henry walks back around the rock from whence he came. Close up on Nos with a very puzzled look on his face.
CUT SCENE
THE CAMERA FOLLOWS CROWD AND MISSY CLIMBING INTO THE OLD RUINS DISNEY'S SPACE MOUNTAIN. THERE ARE PILES OF BUSTED RADIO EVERYWHERE. A VOICE COME OVER THE LOUD SPEAKER
VOICE (V.O.): Who dares disturb the sanctity of the temple, who is it that seeks the Informer? Who wants to face the Phantom?
MISSY: Oh my god oh my god oh my god
CROWD: Chill... it's just some whack a nut with a microphone
MISSY: No Crowd... there... it's a bug... kill it kill it kill it oh my god.
CROWD: You have got to be kidding me.
MISSY: Kill it kill it kill it kill it kill it
(crowd steps on the bug with a nice sounding squish. Bug guts splatter one of the radios)
CROWD: Happy now? (crowd leans back and shouts into the rafters) Mr. Radio!!! I got some old tapes for you... get your ass out here.
MR. RADIO (V.O.): Rock... be right down.
MISSY: What tapes?
CROWD: Look in the purple bag... wait... no... it was in my pink bag. There are thirteen tapes in there... some old radio shows. I figured if we wanted something from him... we needed to bring a little gift. He's a severe radio geek.
MR. RADIO: Heeeey... crowd... long time man... damn... what happen to your eye? Oh... don't tell me... you were on the highway... uuuhh... 417... and you were just passing where it crosses old 50 and... uh... let's see... (Mr. Radio goes into a deep concentration) you got hit by a nice bottle rocket strapped with high explosives... I'd strike a guess that it was the Road Warrior.
MISSY: How'd... how... how
MR. RADIO: How Tonto... Me am Oracle.
CROWD: Missy... I'd like you to meet the last living Oracle.
MISSY: But they said all of the Oracles were slaughtered.
MR. RADIO: All but one. Thanks to my radio fetish... I was able to listen in and hear about the attack... unfortunately... everyone at the temple ignored my doomsday prophecy and... well... they all got gutted.
MISSY: crowd... is he going...
MR. RADIO: to be able to help you figure out what a SoopDragon is. Sure. I got a few reliable sources.
CROWD: Here's the tapes. Sorry it took so long, but finding equipment that works is a bitch.
MR. RADIO: No problem. Come on up and take a look at some of the stuff I got from the Maitland center.
CROWD: I'd love to, but we came here on business. We only have about two and a half months to get this recipe done and get to the party.
MR. RADIO: Ahhh... well... sit for a spell and let me tell you what you need to know. First... the fucker lives on Testosterone Mountain...
Scene fades out as Mr. Radio tells Missy and crowd all about the SoopDragon.
CUT SCENE
MAMA JUGGS IS RETURNING TO THE ISOL8D'S WORKSHOP. THERE IS A DARK FIGURE STANDING BEHIND HER.
MAMA JUGGS: Sir, the Oracle is here.
ISOL8D: Excellent!
STAINS: ISO... you fuckin piece of shit.
ISOL8D: Nice to see you wind bag.
STAINS: Look you fuck, I'm only helping you because it will help bring an end to all of these fucks forever.
ISOL8D: And I'm only dealing with you cause you're the last fucking Oracle. I'm not the most thrilled about this.
STAINS: Deal with it fuck wad.
ISOL8D: Well... what do you have for me?
Action stops and dramatic music is queued up.
Roll credits.