Disclaimer: RK and American Pie 2? Not mineChapter 7:

"Heterosexual Experimenting"



It was about eleven o'clock in the evening when Saito barged into the living room, his hands full with a humongous cardboard box that he had impeccably labeled "Stuff." He smirked when he saw Sanosuke, Yahiko, and Kenshin all sitting around the television, just as he had suspected they would be. The guys he was staying with weren't exactly the biggest party animals in the world, and Saito already knew that he would most likely find them where they were right now, bored off their asses in front of the TV.

Setting the prodigious box of lubricants, hentai videos, and magazines down on the couch, Saito began throwing the contents out at them, and all the items landed perfectly in their laps, except of course, the video Saito threw at Kenshin's head. With his perfect aim, the tape hit him right in the middle of the forehead and Kenshin toppled over with an exclaimed, "Oro?!" One lubricant tube and one hentai video per person, only Kenshin got something extra; a bump on the head.

"You morons need to go entertain yourselves. Go, have fun, but no weird sausage fests, alright? I don't want anymore of that non-straight shit in the beach house. Looks like you guys could use some heterosexual distractions," Saito grumbled, taking out his own things from the box as he headed over to the telephone, which had now been ringing for about two minutes. "Hello, Saito's poon palace, how can I help you?... Oh, it's you. Yeah, we're all settled here already. Uh huh. Tomorrow? Yeah, sure, that's fine. How many friends are you bringing? Oh alright... The party's gonna be in a few weeks so you might as well come over here and get yourself unpacked and all. Yeah, okay. Alright, bye." Saito hung up the phone and took his pick of the many leftover porn videos in the box before heading upstairs, all the guys in the living room wondering who had been on the phone. Kenshin was the first to speak up.

"Uh, Saito? Was that by any chance...?" Kenshin began, but was cut off by Saito flipping him off as he made his way up to his room, ignoring Kenshin's existence completely. Kenshin smiled in spite of the finger Saito had held up to him and he turned towards Yahiko and Sano with an ear to ear grin. "I'm guessing that Kaoru was on the phone, that I am. Why else wouldn't Saito tell me who it was? Oh my! I better prepare! Temperance must be doubled!" Kenshin shouted as he hurried up the stairs with God-like speed, "I need to do more Tantra exercises, that I do!"

Sanosuke smiled at the red head's idiotic "exercises", or at least that's what Kenshin liked to call them. Honestly, Sanosuke thought that Kenshin was just going to make a complete fool out of himself if he did that weird thrusting stuff in front of Kaoru, but hey, it was Kenshin's business if he wanted to impress, or freak out, the girl or not. Sanosuke didn't have any say in it, but he did feel kind of sorry for his friend for how hard Kaoru was gonna crack up when she saw him doing that shit. Turning to Yahiko, he saw that Yahiko had the same smile on his face and he was most likely thinking the same thing that he was.

"Well, I'm gonna hit the sack," Sanosuke yawned as he got up from his seat, stretching out his arms, "You gonna go to sleep now too or you gonna stay down here?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty tired too," Yahiko said and he stood up from the groove imprint he had put on his chair due to the massive amount of sitting he did in it that day, "I'll see you in the morning then."

Sanosuke nodded, walking into his room and closing the door behind him. Immediately, he fell onto the bed from utter exhaustion, not even remembering to call Megumi, and in a matter of seconds, he was snoring.

Yahiko tucked himself into his bed, the "fixed" lamp still stuck on it's side on top of the dresser as he pulled out a postcard he had received that day from Tsubame. It read:

Dearest Yahiko,

I can't wait until I see you! Two weeks seems like forever... China is beautiful, but it would be much better if you were here! I'll see you soon!"

Love,

Tsubame

"Well, I wish you were here too, Tsubame," Yahiko whispered into the small picture of China and placing the postcard under his pillow once more, he relaxed, getting comfortable under the covers as he closed his eyes to prepare for sleep. Suddenly, Yahiko's eyes shot open as he remembered that, hey, he was horny (A/N: what else is new?!), and Saito had just supplied them with some porno and lubricants. Now, Yahiko had never tried using lubricant before, but he was willing to experiment.

Grabbing the tube from next to the broken lamp, the super glue tube right next to it, Yahiko brought the tube up to his face, reading the directions out loud.

"Add a few drops for desired lubrication," Yahiko read out loud. Rolling his eyes, he set the lubricant back down on the dresser, changing his mind. "Nah..." Figuring he could do without the lube job, he clicked on the TV, popped in the porn video and he settled farther into the pillows to watch.

After a few minutes of the erotic images on the television, Yahiko's eyes seemed to dart back to his dresser to look at the tube of lubricant that looked so tempting. Again, he shook his head. But after a certain scene passed the television, he found himself frantically grabbing for the lubricant, never taking his eyes off the television screen as he grabbed the closest tube on the dresser. Twisting off the cap, Yahiko squirted a huge dollop of the stuff onto his hands and worked it into a lather before reaching down into his boxers to put the stuff to good use. A few seconds of masturbating with the sticky substance, Yahiko found it to be a whole lot better than just using his hand.

"Whoa! This stuff rocks! I've been missing out! Aww, yeah, baby.... dude, that feels so..." Yahiko murmured, his words trailing off as his pleasure was soon replaced with pain as he tried to move his hand to continue moving over his cock, but his hand wouldn't move. Puzzled, Yahiko tried again, yanking his hand away from his crotch area only to discover himself stuck and he screamed out in pain as he tried to tear his hand away again. "OW! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Oh shit! Shit, I'm stuck! Oh my god! My hand is stuck to my dick..." Yahiko looked down at his private area, his hand deeply embedded in his boxers. Yahiko looked from his crotch to the dresser, his eyes widening as he looked at the tube he had used for "lubricant." The tube read, "Mr. Sticky's Super Glue! You smash it, we clash it!"

His eyes widened in fear and he took a long deep breath as he tried again to get his hand off, but the pain seared through him, even stronger than before, and he fell off the bed, creating a loud thump as he hit the floor.

"What the hell is going in there, Yahiko?!" Saito shouted from down the hall. He had heard the loud noise, therefore disturbing the sound effects from the hentai video he had been watching and no doubt, Saito was pissed off for the interruption. "How do you expect me to wack off when you're doing God knows what in that room of yours?! Quit moving around or I'll knock down that door right now and...!"

"No! No! No! Don't come in here! I'm fine! I'm fine! I just uh... I just accidently fell off the bed, that's all. Go back to your room, Saito! I'll be quiet! Just whatever you do, don't come in here!" Yahiko hollered back as he struggled to get back up, but he soon found that it was much harder to lift himself up with only one hand.

"You better shut up then! If I hear one more sound outta you, I'm busting that door down and then I'm gonna ram one of Kenshin's huge ass meditating books up your nose!" Saito threatened and he trudged back to his room, grumbling about stupid noisy morons all the way.

As soon as he heard the door closed, Yahiko turned back to the situation at hand. (A/N: HAHA! Pun intended!) Straining under the delicate nerves from his hand to his wiener, Yahiko finally managed to get up and he hobbled over to the VCR, pulling out the porn tape from the monitor with his free hand and he flung his hand under the bed. The video didn't move.

"What the hell?!" Yahiko whispered as he tried again to toss the video tape under the bed, but the video refused to leave the palm of his hand, "Not again! Get off! Get offa me! Off! Now!" Yahiko placed the video down on the carpet, stepping on it with his right foot to try and pry it off, but the tape didn't move an inch. "Damn it! Why does this shit always happen to me?!" Yahiko mouthed as he hit the video tape against the wall to try and break it into tiny pieces, but he only hit his hand and he swore out loud as the back of his hand came into contact with the wall, "Aw, mother of! Ow!" Yahiko bit down on his lip to silence himself from screaming out right as he accidently put more strain on his sensitive attachment of his hand to his dick. The scream came out muffled and gagged as Yahiko bit down hard on his lower lip, drawing blood as he teeth sank in a little too low. He had to grit his teeth together from yelling out right there.

Thirty minutes later, Yahiko had the telephone on top of the porno tape as he tried to dial the Poison Control number using his nose. Finally, after about fifteen tries, the phone began to ring on the other end and Yahiko brought the phone up to his ear, completely out of breath.

"Hello? Uh, Poison Control? I have this problem with uh... Mr. Sticky's super glue. Yeah, I kind of uh.... super glued myself to uh..." Yahiko paused to look down at his private parts, "to myself... What?! No! Don't call an ambulance! Why, what do you mean 'Why?' No, you just can't! Isn't there... isn't there something around the house that I can use?... Paint thinner? Yeah, okay, thanks a lot!" Yahiko dropped the phone to the floor, not even bothering to put it back on the receiver and strain himself all over again. It had been enough trouble trying to pick the phone up, he wasn't about to trouble himself with putting it back. Now, his next big challenge was going to be opening the door to his room without using any of his hands...

Determined to end this hellish nightmare, Yahiko got up from the bed, glaring at the doorknob as if he were about to murder it with his gaze and suddenly, he broke out into a run, slamming his mouth around the knob so hard that his whole mouth started to vibrate from the impact. Shaking the feeling away, Yahiko put his hand holding the video tape on top of the knob, twisting and turning it to try and open the door, but the knob didn't even move, not a bit. Sighing and completely exhausted, Yahiko leaned his forehead against the door as he panted for breath before trying to twist the knob open with his mouth again. All he got was a chipped tooth. He thought again about calling for help from either Kenshin or Sano, but then another thought came into his head, and that thought being that someone would actually have to find out what happened with the glue. He'd never live it down.

Suddenly, an idea came to him as he turned his head slowly over to the open window of his room, big enough to climb through.

'If I can just get out the window, jump off the roof and make it over to the painter's truck outside, then I can get myself outta this sticky situation,' Yahiko thought to himself, 'it can't be that hard... I've seen those kids do it on that Dawson's Creek show dozens of times! But then again, none of them had their hands glued down their pants... Okay, just get this over with!'

Tiptoeing, he made his way over to the window, easing himself onto the window sill and very carefully turning his body around so that his feet landed on the roof. With only his boxers on, Yahiko discovered that the night was actually a whole lot colder than he first thought. He suddenly wished he had some kind of robe on. As quietly and gingerly as possible, Yahiko crept over to the edge of the roof to look over the end, only to realize that the ground was way too far down for him to make it down safely. He may be stupid but he wasn't about to jump two stories high to the ground, especially with his hand glued to his penis.

"Aw, well fuck me!" he muttered as he tried to shake his fist at the ground, but only further agitated himself and he let out a cry of, "Ow!"

Across the street, a young girl looked out her window and saw Yahiko, his hand in his pants, creeping around on the roof at about midnight. The girl's eyes widened as her gaze focused on what he had in his hands. She gasped out loud and immediately ran to the phone to dial the neighborhood policeman and direct him to the pervert across the street.

Yahiko, unaware that anyone had seen him, frowned down at the ground that was about triple what his height was. Shaking his head in disappointment, Yahiko turned around to head back to the window when a set of red headlights appeared in the driveway. The neighborhood police officer stepped out of his car, shining a flashlight in Yahiko's eyes and he brought the megaphone up to his lips.

"Hey! You! On the roof! Put your hands where I can see 'em!" the officer ordered through the megaphone. His tone of voice showed that he was not at all amused by how Yahiko looked at that moment. In fact, for all the policeman knew, Yahiko seemed to be some sicko with weird kicks that enjoyed jacking off on his roof in the middle of the night. The policeman shuddered at the thought. "Alright, you sick fuck! I said put your hands up and I meant it! Now, hands in the air!"

Yahiko did the only thing he could do at the moment, he raised his only free hand, hentai tape and all as he did so and he squinted against the bright lights shining in his face. Again, he tried to pull his hand off his cock, but he only fell over from the pain.

By now, the police officer was getting pretty annoyed by Yahiko's lack of obedience to put both his hands up and the officer growled in anger to his refusal.

"Both hands in the air, sir! NOW!" the policeman shouted, Yahiko still not able to see him clearly from the incandescent flashing headlights.

"I.... I can't! I'm glued! I'm glued!" Yahiko yelled back and he struggled again to pull himself off of... himself and prove to it to the officer, only to his lose his balance, "WHOA!!!!!!!"

Yahiko was completely helpless as he tumbled over onto his side and began rolling off the rooftop at incredible speed with him powerless to stop it as his free hand flailed out into the air before he came down, face first onto the front lawn. Groaning slightly, Yahiko lifting up his one arm to try and push himself up, but he collapsed back down from complete fatigue.

By the time the ambulance came and placed Yahiko on the stretcher, Kenshin, Sanosuke, and Saito were all outside in the driveway, watching as the paramedics wheeled away a very sensitive Yahiko on the bed. Kenshin and Sanosuke tried to give Yahiko some encouragement by giving him what they aimed to be hopeful smiles, but instead they came out weary and tired. They both climbed into the ambulance behind the stretcher and Saito ran forward with a huge grin on his face, but one of the paramedics stopped him before he could set foot into the truck.

"Excuse me, sir, but are you a friend of this young man or a family member?" the paramedic asked Saito and he only turned to him with a clever smirk.

"Fuck no! I'm not related or friends with that moron! This is just too good to miss!" Saito laughed and the paramedic only shook his head at him as he closed the back doors of the ambulance closed, leaving Saito out in the driveway. He grinned at Yahiko, giving him a fake thumbs up before he burst out laughing and the ambulance drove away towards the local hospital.

Even after they were in the hospital's parking lot, Yahiko could swear he could still hear Saito's laughter echoing in his ears.

"Don't worry, Yahiko! It happens to the best of us, that it does!" Kenshin called from outside the room his friend had been ushered into, but at the look he received from Sanosuke, Kenshin changed his mind, "Actually, no, it doesn't..."

Kenshin and Sanosuke were required to stay out in the waiting room as the doctors went in to treat Yahiko. Sanosuke gave his black spiky haired friend one last wave before the doors were slowly closed to give them some privacy. They waited for about an hour before a doctor appeared. Walking over to them, he pushed up his spectacles to the bridge of his nose and looked from one expectant face to another.

"Come with me," the doctor replied as he ushered them both into the room where Yahiko was now standing, a huge pack of gauze wrapped tightly over his entire groin area like a diaper. Sanosuke bit his lip to keep from laughing and Yahiko shot him a glare that could have melted an iceberg. Kenshin stayed silent, the only one listening to the doctor. "Well, it was quite a struggle, but we were able to unstick him," the doctor explained, pulling the white rubber gloves off his hands and he threw them in a nearby trash can, "He's going to have to take it easy for the next ten days or so. Please make sure that he doesn't strain himself."

"TEN DAYS?!" Yahiko exclaimed, his mouth hanging open in shock of the prolonged period of time he had to wait until he was fully healed. 'God damn that super glue!' he thought, making a serious mental note to always use tape on everything from now on. "But we've got the party in seven and Tsubame's coming all the way from China!" Yahiko protested, not that it really helped, but he needed to get the outrage out of his system, "And she's gonna wanna well... you know... Please! You gotta help me! Isn't there something you can give me?!"

"I suggest that you keep your pants on at that party of your's then. I don't think you'd want to further aggravate yourself even more. You've put enough strain as it is," the doctor explained, staying true to his prescription for Yahiko to lay off the undoing of his pants, "I think you can wait a few days after the party to see this girl now, can't you?"

"Uh... actually, Doc, he can't wait that long. It's either this Saturday or never," Sanosuke said with his hand behind his back as he tried to explain the issue of just how Yahiko's raging hormones really worked to the highly educated doctor. Now, the doctor was in fact, PH.D., but Sanosuke was pretty sure that he had absolutely no idea just how horny Yahiko could get and missing his last chance with Tsubame would make his libido ten times worse. Hell, Sano wouldn't be surprised if he caught Yahiko screwing a pie!

'Nah, not like that'd ever happen...' Sanosuke thought with a shake of his head. He'd like to think that Yahiko had a little more class than that. He couldn't have been more wrong...

"And what if his pants were to 'accidently' per say, come off at the time of the party? Do you think he'd be able to use his uh... thing to it's uttermost potential in his sexual relations?" Kenshin asked as professionally as he could, but he actually came out sounding like he was trying too hard.

"Um... What Kenshin means is, 'If Yahiko was going to have sex with Tsubame, would he be able to?' Like without... I dunno... breaking something?" Sanosuke translated. It was pretty amazing in general that he was actually able to understand Kenshin in the first place, what with the big words and everything. Everyone missed the paleness of Yahiko's face when Sanosuke said the words, "breaking something."

"Well, there is something that might help. Here, this cream should lessen the healing process down a few days," the doctor said, finally giving in to the pushy teenagers. After all he was once one himself, and it wasn't that hard to understand reasons for getting with that one special girl. He handed Yahiko the tube and left the room, his clipboard in hand and his footsteps disappeared as he got farther and farther down the hall. 'Good luck, Kid. You'll need it...' the doctor thought as he entered the room of the next patient, hoping with all his might that Yahiko would be able to finally have a chance with the girl he was so obviously obsessed with.

"Okay, I think we're gonna have to run out to the car..." Sanosuke said, scratching his head as he usually did whenever he was confused, nervous, embarrassed, actually, no, he just always scratched his head.

"Why do we have to run?" Kenshin asked, puzzled by Sanosuke suggestion that they waste their breath running from the third floor down to the parking lot. And there went Sano scratching his head again. 'I swear,' Kenshin thought, 'if I didn't know any better, I'd think he had a serious case of dandruff!'

"Well, first off, Yahiko here is wearing a huge diaper," Sanosuke said bluntly.

"Hey! This is NOT a diaper!" Yahiko shouted in protest, but Sanosuke ignored him and continued on.

"Second, he has no spare clothes with him," Sanosuke continued and Kenshin nodded, realizing this as well, "and third, there's no way in hell, he's gonna borrow any of mine! So if you wanna walk all the way down to the parking lot from up here with the Huggies commercial ad, you can at least give him your jacket or something. I don't know about you, but I'd prefer to avoid getting pointed and stared at. I mean, I might need to come back here someday..."

Yahiko's face went red with anger, his head down as his nostrils flared and smoke spurted out from his ears. He suddenly jerked his head up to glare at Sanosuke as he pounced on him, jumping on his back and getting a firm grip on his brown spiky hair as he dug his teeth into his scalp.

"Take that back!" Yahiko shouted through bites, "If you're gonna be so embarrassed, why don't you give me something to wear?! Kenshin's stuff smells funny!"

"ORO?!" Kenshin shouted at the unexpected insult, "Yahiko, don't you think you should be at least a little nicer to us? We are paying for your hospital bill, after all, that we are. Maybe you shouldn't take it for granted."

"Yeah! Don't be so ungrateful!" Sanosuke said as he picked off Yahiko from his death grip on his skull and set him down on the ground, "You know we have to dip into the beach house payment so we can pay for this?! Hospitalization isn't cheap, you know!"

Yahiko only looked at the ground in shame, taking in the guilt like it was a hard punch to the face and he winced at the thought. He owed them both a lot, Saito was another story though. He was the one that had given him the lubricant in the first place, therefore, making him interested in it and then he got it confused with the super glue. Yahiko shook his head at his thinking, it wasn't right to blame someone else for what was clearly his fault. It was always just so much easier to blame someone else, and since Saito was always a jerk, it made it so much easier to place the blame on him.

Sanosuke, Kenshin, and Yahiko spent the next half hour sneaking around the hospital to avoid being seen and pointed at as they made their way to the elevator which would take them straight down to the parking lot. It was just too bad that all the shelves, passing stretchers, and trash cans they tried to hide behind were a few feet too short to give them the amount of cover they needed. Looking from left to right, Kenshin quickly scurried over to the next barrier which so happened to be a very thin house plant and after a few seconds, he signaled to Sanosuke and Yahiko to follow suit once the coast was clear. Picking the smaller man up, Sano carefully edged his way over to the plant as well, not at all big enough to hide three grown men, and joined Kenshin near their escape route; the elevator.

They could only pray that there was no one in the elevator as the tiny compartment came to a stop in front of them and the doors slid open. Kenshin stood behind Yahiko so that no one could see him from behind and Sanosuke stood in front of him to block the front view and they all cringed as the bell sounded and the elevator doors opened up. Four people stared back at them inside the elevator with confused expressions. The first person to react was Kenshin as he sidestepped to look at a few familiar people inside the elevator.

"Kaoru! Megumi! Mina! Uh... I'm sorry, I don't think I know your name," Kenshin said as he acknowledged all the people in the elevator, pausing as his gaze settled on the tall man in the back with a large trench coat.

"There you are! We've been looking all over for you! We stopped by the beach house but Saito said you guys were at the hospital!" Megumi exclaimed, looking from Sanosuke to Kenshin with a relieved smile, "I didn't really catch what that idiot was saying though. He just wouldn't stop laughing for some reason... Hey, wait a second!" Megumi paused to count heads. "There's only two of you! Where's Yahiko?"

"Eheheheheheh... he's um..." both Kenshin and Sanosuke stuttered, nervously laughing at the situation even though there was absolutely nothing funny about it. (Okay, maybe there was...) Suddenly, Kenshin perked up as he made contact with the man again in the back of all his female friends. "Hey, never seen you before!" he quickly changed the subject and he stuck out his hand to shake, bringing the attention away from the question of Yahiko's whereabouts, "I'm Kenshin."

"Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot! Kenshin, this is Megumi's friend, Aoshi Shinimori," Kaoru said, gesturing to the silent man in the back and she turned to Aoshi, gesturing towards Kenshin, "Aoshi, this is a friend of our's, Kenshin Himura. And the man in front of him is Sanosuke Sagara, Megumi's boyfriend."

"Yes, I know. We've met before," Aoshi replied and he gave a nod to Sanosuke and then to Kenshin, "So why are we all here at the hospital? None of you seem to be hurt or..." Aoshi trailed off as he finally realized for the first time, the young man hiding behind Sano, wearing nothing but cotton wrappings around his crotch area. Curiously, Aoshi tilted his head to the side in puzzlement and frowned, "Are you wearing a diaper?"



A/N: So this was kind of a comedy relief chapter from the last one. Next up, Sano gets to feel a lil more of that thing called competition between the Ice man and his girlfriend. Also, Misao decides to drop by the beach house for a bit and pop in a movie. Hm... Can Yahiko sit still throughout an entire movie without disrupting anyone this time? (Take a look at JP1 "Movie Time" if you don't really remember what happened last time) Leave a review!