Huffing, Hermione returned to the crystallized comfort of the dormitory, finding a piece of pink parchment on her bed. At first she shrugged it off as a misplaced love-letter for Lavender or Parvati, but curiosity got the best of her, and she opened it up.
Dear Hermiony,
You are the prettiest girl I've ever seen. I like you a lot! Meet me secretly in the common room at 1:00 tonight!
Love,
Ron
***
As instructed, Hermione arrived in the dark, deserted common room, convinced that someone was playing a trick on her. She spotted Ron sitting by the fire and held the letter up for him to see.
"Nice spelling job on my name, Ron."
"But that's the way you spelled it on the letter you sent to me!"
It seemed that the top of one of the couches had sprouted red hair and was muffling snickers. Hermione's eyes widened and she grabbed Ron.
"Oh Ron," she declared in a melodramatic voice, "I'm so glad our feelings are finally out in the open!"
"What?" Ron looked confused. Of course, Ron always looked confused.
Hermione brought her lips to his ears and hissed, "It's the twins! They're trying to set us up! Just go with it!"
"Oh Hermione," he said in a loud, gallant voice, "I've never seen you look so ravishing! You're like a…brown-haired…rose!"
"And you Ron, are like a great, freckled…er…tiger—ready to conquer the jungle of my heart!"
"I love you!"
"I love you more!"
"No, I love youmore!"
"No, I love you more!"
"No, I love you more!"
"Oh, don't let us fight! Just hold me in your big…brawny…arms!"
He gave a sly grin, "My arms aren't the only part of my body that's big."
The sofa groaned in disgust.
"Come on Ron, let's go somewhere a little more…cozy."
***
Hermione pulled Ron into the common room rec closet, where they were certain the twins would not disturb them. Since the closet was rather small, they stood close together, and Hermione had to remind herself that she was angry so that she wouldn't swoon.
"Why can't you have normal brothers?"
He shrugged. "Dunno. At least they're not as bad as Percey…Insufferable git, always going on about those goddamn--"
"Why don't we get even with them?"
As Hermione wasn't exactly the original prankster, Ron was caught off guard.
"Come on, Ron. Somebody's got to get those two one day…They tried to set us up! The nerve! The idea of you and me…it's…"
Hermione suddenly realized that her face was inches from Ron's, and she lost her train of thought.
***
Wearing a miniskirt and matching skank top from Aberzombie and Witch that she had borrowed from Lavender, Hermione awkwardly slunk into the common room, looking for George. Having a reputation for being the more "erotically charged" twin, he was the perfect target for a prank—Granger style. That'll teach him to mess with me again, she thought, hiking up her skirt a bit more.
Taking a deep breath, she said in a poorly attempted sultry voice, "Hey there, big boy."
"Um, hi Hermione," his voice cracked.
"Mmmm…you have the sexiest voice."
Bracing herself and taking another deep breath, she hopped into his lap and started stroking his arm, reminding herself that it was for the good of humanity that the twins be taught a lesson.
"Wow! Your biceps are huge!"
George's eyes widened. "Are you, by any chance, from Tahiti?"
She leaned in and whispered in his ear, "Yes."
Suddenly, suspicion flickered across George's playmate-filled mind. Why was Hermione hitting on him when she loved Ron? But George, being George, could not place is finger on what was wrong. This was probably due to a recent bludger injury which had caused permanent brain damage…So George filled his empty head with thoughts of Tahitian babes in bikinis.
Suddenly, Fred stormed up, having noticed that George had a glazed-over look on his face and a scantily clad Hermione was on his lap, whispering in his ear.
"George! What do you think you're doing?"
"Huh?"
"Get over here!"
He pulled George over in to a corner of the room and began to whisper excitedly, "What are you thinking, hitting on Ron's girl?"
"She came on to me!"
"Don't be silly, George."
"No! Really, she did! I can't lie to you because of the psychic twin wavelength thingy."
"But why would Hermione go after you when she's already got--"
"Because she's discontent with Ron's…performance, that's why. She needs a nice, strong beater with a very large…club."
"No, you great git! Don't you--"
"Of course, it's not the size of the wave but the motion of the ocean that really matters."
"Would you just shut up and listen? I'm trying to say that the only reason why Herm would hit on you is that she knows about our little plan…However, they don't know that we know they know! So keep at it, boy! We'll show them not to mess with Forge Weasley!"
***
The phrases "they don't know that we know they know" and "erotically charged" are borrowed from Friends. The rest of the jokes (I hope they were funny enough to be considered jokes) are mine, though. As always, if you have any suggestions/praise/flamage/deep philosophical thoughts, review! I'd love to hear from you!