©2002 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!
WAR-NING! Some silly shounen-ai, cursing, some . . . interesting couples (very out-of-the-ordinary O.o), people who are extremely out-of-character, lemon-lime-flavoured humour, and much more naughty fun :D you have been warned! Also note that I really hate Ness, so he will be harmed periodically throughout. Enjoy!
[A/N: I mean nothing against gay people in this fic! If someone calls a homosexual character "queer", it's probably because they're pissed off. I also don't mean to offend anyone if it appears that I am using homosexuality as an insult. These are not my own views. I mean not to offend, and if I do, I'm VERY sorry!]
LEGAL SSBM DISCLAIMER: © 2001 Nintendo and HAL Laboratories. I don't own any rights for the game.
Super Smash Bros. Melee: EXPOSED (Part 2)
"Lookit all the stars, Pi," said Pichu in a daze, sitting in his bed with a box of magic mushrooms beside him (and no, I don't mean the kind that make you grow giant or tiny). He popped another one. "Chu, you can almost see the individual . . . HOOOOOOOOOOLY shit! Someone help! The aliens are coming down! They're taking me away! NOOO! NOT THE PROBE, CHUUUUUU!!" Roy shook his head rather slowly on the bed beside Pichu's, smokin' a joint.
"You really need to calm down," he said, his eyes rather glazed. "You need to mellow out a bit. Mushrooms are for hardcore druggies, Pichu, and that's just not cool." Pichu screamed and fell off the bed.
"Pichuuuu! That lamp is attacking me!" he wailed. Roy sighed.
"Calm down. If you want to have fun getting high, smoke weed. Weeeeeee!" he said with enthusiasm. Just then, Link entered the room.
"Roy, did you say you wanted to talk to me?" he asked. Roy giggled.
"Not now, Linky-poo, I'm smoking," he said. Link sighed.
"Roy, you're always smoking," he muttered. Roy giggled again.
"Oooohhhh, weed in the morning, weed in the evening, weed at supper time! When weed is on a bagel, you can have weed anytime!" he sang, sounding very offkey. Link rolled his eyes.
"Fine, fine. I'll talk to you later," he grumbled, walking out of the room, just as Donkey Kong entered with a large bottle of brandy in one hand and some Hard Lemonade in the other.
"Ohh, the pahhhty's 'ere, izzit?" he said in a terrible drunken slur. Pichu took a quick glance at Donkey Kong, then screamed loudly.
"ARGH! It's true! Coca Cola does promote the well-being of scary clowns carrying waterguns full of pimento paste!" he ran under the bed. Donkey Kong laughed heartily.
"Blimey, the poor bloke hasn't had enough to drink!" he exclaimed, taking a draught of his brandy. Roy sighed.
"All I want is to sit here and smoke my pot, is that too much to ask!?" he muttered, taking another drag of his joint.
Falco sat in the common room, talking to himself.
"Must . . . kill. . . ." he said, sounding rather gloomy and possessed. He stood up and looked around. "Kill . . . who?" He glanced around the room, and noticed that he was alone . . . except for one person. There sat Ness, playing his Nintendo 64.
"Hooray for the Powerpuff Girls!" he said excitedly, tapping the buttons on his 64 controller and making Bubbles zoom around the Pokey Oaks classroom. Just then, the person he was fighting picked Bubbles up, and tossed her across the room. She immediately got knocked out. Ness burst into tears, but then, Falco stood in front of the TV screen, obstructing Ness's vision. He pointed an accusing finger at the little boy.
"You," he said angrily, picking Ness up by his collar. "You're coming with me." He carried Ness off toward the Rainbow Cruise arena.
"Kirby!" shouted Mr. Game and Watch. "Kirby, uhm," he ran over to Kirby, who stood there looking rather confused. Mr. Game and Watch gave him a rather foolish grin. "Can I have your autograph?" Kirby was dumbfounded.
"Hey, me too!" said Dr. Mario rather suddenly, appearing from the kitchen, making a snack. Kirby opened his mouth to speak, when. . . .
"I want your autograph!" It was Jigglypuff! Jigglypuff wanted Kirby's autograph!? Well, it was no secret that Kirby had a huge crush on Jigglypuff. I mean, look at them! They're a couple of pink blobs, they're both adorable, and one of them looks and sounds male, the other looks and sounds female. Jigglypuff was Kirby's dream girl.
"S-sure!" said Kirby with a grin. Kirby knew Pikachu liked Jigglypuff (which was kind of scary), but he was determined to to get to her before Pikachu did. He wrote his name with a little star at the end on a piece of paper, and handed it to Jigglypuff.
"Thanks!" Jigglypuff said happily. She skipped off, and Kirby grinned after her.
"What about our autographs?" asked Mr. Game & Watch and Dr. Mario at the same time. Kirby laughed nervously.
"Uhm, gotta go!" He ran out.
"Hey, it's-a Daisy! Daisy, give-a me a kiss!" said Mario, wearing a pair of purple overalls and a yellow shirt. Daisy noticed his voice was a bit different. . . .
"Wario!? Wario, is that you!?" she said in surprise. Wario grinned.
"How did-a you know?" he asked. Daisy raised an eyebrow.
"But Wario, why do you look so much like Mario?" she questioned in an utterly confused tone. Wario's grin faded.
"Those bastards at HAL said I was-a too much-a like Mario to be my own-a character, so they made-a me lose a shitload of-a weight - I had to cut back on all my favourite foods - change-a my moustache, and learn-a all of his-a moves. It-a really pissed me off!" he finished angrily. "They said to make it-a look like Mario just-a changed his-a clothes." Daisy snorted.
"The jerks did the same thing with me. I have to do the worst taunt in the world!" she wailed. Wario laughed.
"At least you don't-a have to do this," he said. He performed Mario's taunt, making himself a giant for a few seconds, then shrinking. "Ah well. Hey, want-a to-a battle with our borrowed moves?" he asked. Daisy shrugged.
"Why not? Let's go."
The next morning at the breakfast table, Zelda and Bowser were sitting together once again. Shiek had to resort to sitting with Ness, who was talking some boring gibberish about a bunch of random crap that Shiek really didn't give a flying fuck about. Link was with Samus, who actually had her helmet off, revealing to everyone that she really was pretty. Roy was talking to Marth; Mewtwo, Kirby, Jigglypuff, and Pikachu were having a debate on whether or not all Magikarp should just die; Mr. Game & Watch and Dr. Mario were feeding Pichu some of Dr. Mario's pills; Falco, Fox, Y'Link, and the Ice Climbers were hiding Ganondorf's Cookie Crisp; Ganondorf was yelling at Yoshi; Donkey Kong was chugging a six-pak, and the list went on. Daisy was talking to Wario, Peach to Luigi, and Mario to Captain Falcon.
"I don't-a know what to do!" Mario cried. "Peach was-a my life! I need to get-a her back!" Captain Falcon simply shrugged passively.
"Well, Mario, sometimes you just have to move on and admit defeat," he said. Mario shook his head.
"But I can't-a do that! I love-a Peach! I'd do anything for her! And I know there was once a time when she'd do the same for me! What-a happened?" he asked the air. Captain Falcon shrugged uncomfortably and started some cereal.
"Well, it won't get you anywhere dwelling on it," he said simply.
"I thought you said you were going to talk to Link last night!" Marth hissed to Roy. Roy laughed a bit.
"Marth, I told you; I was high last night. For fuck's sakes, I called him Linky-poo! What kind of pansy-ass fa - er, sorry. . . ." Roy started his homophobic complaint, but noticed the look on Marth's face, and he stopped. He kept on forgetting that his friend was gay now. "Anyway, what I meant was, I'll talk to him after breakfast." Marth sighed.
"Please do. I mean, look at them. . . ." he said, gesturing wildly in the general direction of Samus and Link, who were kissing. "It hurts to watch them do that." Roy sighed.
"I can't guarantee he'll be happy you like him, Marth, but if you truly want him to know that someone else likes him, I will tell him," he said. Marth smiled.
"Thanks, Roy. I'm lucky to have you as a friend," he told Roy. Then, he gave him a funny look. "You know. . . ." he started. Roy's eyes widened.
"Ohhhhh no, no! I'm in it for the ladies, Marth!" he said quickly. Marth laughed.
"I was just kidding! Man, that was funny. . . ."
After breakfast, Link and Samus were about to walk off to the battle arena to challenge someone, when Roy ran over to Link.
"I really hate breaking you two up, but Link! Link, I need to talk to you," Roy said. Link sighed, but Roy continued. "Don't worry, it won't take long," he said. "You go on without him though, Samus, just 'cause." Samus rolled her eyes and walked off.
"What's up, Roy?" Link asked. Roy coughed a bit.
"Link, I hate to tell you this, since you and Samus are doing so well together, but. . . ." he trailed off for a moment. "Someone else likes you, Link!" Link raised an eyebrow, then grinned.
"Kick ass! Who is it? Who is she?" he asked with a bit more enthusiasm than he should've had. Roy sighed.
"Link, look, it's not a girl," he said. Link raised both eyebrows this time. He patted Roy on the shoulder lightly.
"Roy, sorry to disappoint you, bud, but I don't swing that way," he said. Roy gave Link a look of utter disgust and threw his hand off his shoulder.
"Link, I don't like you, you fuckin' idiot!" he shouted. "I was just warning you that a guy likes you! And as a matter of fact, I do like a girl, and her name is . . . er, not important. Anyway." Roy noticed the look of slight disgust on Link's face. "Don't worry, Link! You'll probably never know who it is!" Link shrugged.
"Maybe not, but I'll probably guess. Do you think he'd tell me if I asked him?" he questioned. Roy shrugged.
"Maybe, maybe not, you never know. Maybe he would if he thought you were secure about it," he hinted. Link shrugged (seems to me they were having a shrugging contest . . .).
"Well, I could be secure about it, I guess. I could try to be, I don't know, but it's a bit of a shock!" he exclaimed. Roy laughed a bit (no more shrugging O.o).
"I'll bet. Anyway, see you around!" He ran off. Link sighed.
People around here are really gay!? he thought. I thought everyone was straight! Ah well. I'll have to just deal with this, I suppose.
Fox narrowed his eyes as he and the Ice Climbers were facing off on the Yoshi's Island arena.
"Ready . . . GO!" came the annoying voice of the announcer, commencing the battle. Nana and Popo leapt into the air and bounded onto the same platform Fox was standing on. However, Fox was so fast that he leapt out of the way and grabbed Popo from behind. He tossed him into the air, then quickly whipped out his laser gun and shot him. Nana ran over to help poor Popo before he sailed off. She grabbed him in midair, then tossed him back into the arena. He whipped out his mallet just in time, and the two twin siblings spun around in a double attack, making Fox fall off his platform in pain. Grabbing his side, he stood, then ran over to the two, who were high-fiving eachother. Fox slid over and stood quickly, then stuck out his leg and started kicking the twins rather quickly, making it look as if he had a big wad of gum stuck to his shoe that wouldn't come off. He kicked them for almost a minute when they finally managed to escape. They hopped up onto a platform and stole a morsel of food from one of the three Shyguys who were flying by. Stuffing the onigiri into their mouths, they hopped off the platform, whipped out their mallets - the mallets' heads facing down - and hit Fox HARD in the head. Fox fell over in agony, grabbing his head. The twins both grinned. They knew they had won.
But no! Fox leapt up while the Climbers were congratulating one another, grabbed Popo by the scruff of the neck, tossed him into the air, whipped out his laser gun, and sent him flying offscreen. Popo had been knocked out, which meant that Nana had been as well. Fox had won. He knelt down and performed his taunt.
"Come on!" he shouted with a grin on his face.
Marth sat alone in his room, when there was a knock at the door.
"Come in," Marth muttered, hoping it wasn't Link at the door. Ever since Link had told him he was with Samus, he had been trying his hardest to avoid him. To his great misfortune, Link walked through the door.
"Hey, Marth, I need to talk to you," he said. Marth gulped a bit.
Oh shit, oh fuck! Oh shitfuck, oh fuckshit! Dammit! I told Roy not to tell Link who likes him! Oh damnbag! "Sure, Link, go ahead," he said, putting on a face of slight concern.
"Well," Link began, sitting on the bed beside Marth. "Apparently, some guy around here has - ahem - a crush on me. Since you're one of my best buds here, I was wondering . . . do you know who it is?" Marth's eyes widened, but he mentally sighed with relief.
Okay, maybe he doesn't know it's me, he thought. "Uhm, well," he started, but Link stopped him.
"Hold on, it's Mr. Game & Watch, isn't it!?" he muttered. Marth opened his mouth to respond, but Link stopped him. "Dammit, I knew that ever since that jerk and his bum-buddy friend Dr. Mario came onto the scene he had the hots for me! That little bastard! I knew there was something suspicious going on there when he asked me for my stupid autograph! Arrrgghhh, that little prick's gonna get it!" he growled, pounding his fist into the palm of his hand. Marth cringed slightly.
"It's, er, not Game & Watch," he confirmed rather nervously. Link raised an eyebrow.
"Are you saying you know something about this, Marth?" he asked. Marth mentally kicked himself for having given away so much information.
"Erm, no, not at all! No, haha, I just, erm, overheard Game & Watch telling Dr. Mario how much he liked Peach the other day. Then Dr. Mario agreed, and they both went out in search of her autograph, yeah! So, ehm, yeah," he finished, looking rather flustered. Link looked at him suspiciously.
"You're sure you know nothing?" he asked. Marth grinned fakely and nodded.
"Positive! It just ain't Game & Watch or Dr. Mario. But I'll, er, fill you in if I hear anything, how's that sound?" he asked. Link shrugged a bit.
"I suppose that sounds okay. Thanks, bud! I owe you two, now." Link patted Marth on the shoulder lightly, then got up and exited the room. When Link was gone, Marth giggled a bit to himself.
Hehehe . . . he touched me. . . . he thought as more perverted thoughts washed through his - currently testosterone-filled - brain. He decided he'd actually go into a stall this time, just in case Ganondorf got pissed at Yoshi for another dumb reason and decided to come bawling into the washroom again.
Speaking of Ganondorf, he was indeed yelling at Yoshi once again for something else he was innocent of.
"Yoshi, I can't fucking belive you," he spat as he passed the green dragon in the hallway. Yoshi looked up.
"Augh, Ganondorf! What did I do this time?" he muttered impatiently. Ganondorf's eyes welled up with tears.
"Don't - you - dare - pretend - you - don't - know!" he gasped dramatically, lightly tapping the back of his hand to his forehead and looking up at the ceiling. Yoshi raised one of his rubbery eyebrows.
"Ganondorf, why do you keep blaming everything on me? Next thing I know, you're going to start blaming me for the forming of N*Sync," he huffed. Ganondorf's eyes widened.
"I can't believe it! It is true! You did form N*Sync, didn't you!? And the Backstreet Boys too, I bet! Yoshi, you're an abomination to all living things!" he cried, bursting into tears and running off for the nearest washroom.
Dammit! Why does he keep blaming me for everything!? And . . . why does a guy that's supposed to be evil beyond all repair keep crying all the time!? Yoshi thought angrily. He balled his hands into fists and went off to challenge Ness to a match.
Mario was searching all of HAL Laboratory to find Peach. He had looked everywhere (he even accidentally walked in on Samus in the shower), so he finally decided to go back to the men's dormitory to have a quick nap. He yawned a bit and slowly turned the doorknob to the dormitory. He pushed the door open slowly, but he heard two voices - one male, one female - from inside. . . .
"Ohh, you've been very bad, Captain," giggled a voice that was more than familiar to Mario. It was Peach.
"Oh, I know, Colonel," came the deep voice of Captain Falcon.
"Well, then, what should I do to make sure you don't step out of line again?" Peach said in an almost whisper. Captain Falcon laughed lightly.
"Well, I think you should-" This was all that Mario could take.
"Peachie!?" he cried. The two voices in the bed stopped.
"Mario. . . ?" Peach said cautiously. Mario started to yell.
"Peachie, how could you do this to me!?" he shouted angrily, yet sadly. "I thought you loved me! You told me just last week you did! And . . . and already you're sleeping with someone else!" Peach coughed uncomfortably.
"Erm, Mario. . . ." she began rather slowly. "Falcon here isn't the first guy I've cheated on you with. . . ." Mario raised an eyebrow.
"If so," he began slowly, "then who was the other guy. . . ?" Peach's eyes darted around the room, hoping to find an exit. Of course, there was none.
"Your brother. . . ." she said slowly. Mario's eyes widened to the size of those people from Di Gi Charat's (I'm sorry, but their eyes are just unnaturally huge, and it's cute but kinda scary O.o). He looked like he would explode with anger, when all of a sudden. . . .
"PPIIIIICCCCCHHUUUUUUUU!!" cried Pichu, suddenly rushing into the room from out of nowhere and running around in repetitive circles, shouting his own name over and over in an endless stupor until he fell onto the ground and started breakdancing. He did some pretty impressive moves, too, and he could probably have made quite the career in music videos and such if he hadn't been such a druggie. Finally, after about five minutes of breakdancing, he stopped and took a bow, resulting in many claps from all three others in the room. Pichu grinned, looking very out of it, then sped out of the room flailing his arms about. Everyone paused for a moment, then the argument resumed.
Pikachu sat in the nice little park from the All-Star mode. Generally, he had only entered the All-Star mode to sit there and slack off, not to mention hide from everyone he currently did NOT want to see, namely Kirby.
Why can't that little Jello-mold bastard just bugger off!? Jigglypuff is going to be my girlfriend, no matter what he thinks! She will never go for him! Never! Hahahaha! . . . Man, do I ever want to listen to Blink 182 right now. He thought. For some reason, Pikachu had a HUGE Blink 182 fetish. He was so obsessed with them, that he would go to the farthest lengths to act out each song. He once even acted out ALL of the song Degenerate. And if you know the lyrics to that song like Pikachu does, you'll know that . . . that's pretty damn scary. Pikachu in a thong? Gyaaaarrghhhhhh!! I . . . wanna fuck a dog in the ass . . . he wants to fuck a dog in the ass . . . I wanna fuck a dog . . . that's right, kids! Uhmmm . . . let's leave him alone now, shall we. . . ?
Link saw Roy in the hallway and ran to catch up to him.
"Roy, I need to talk to you," he said. Fortunately for him, Roy wasn't stoned yet. In fact, he was just heading to his room to smoke up, and this was his fifth interruption (two of which included Dr. Mario and Mr. Game and Watch asking Roy for his autograph). Roy was starting to get very angry, agitated, and he was also suffering withdrawal.
"What IS it Link!?" he screamed. "I mean, REALLY! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT! Why the fuck are you parading around here in your girly white panty-fucking-hose waiting for some fucking moron to fucking talk to you because you have no fucking friends!? Can you not fucking tell when a guy just wants to take a seat and light up his fucking bong!? Link, I cannot stress this enough. What the fuck do you want. What the FUCK do you want? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!?" Link whimpered a bit and stepped backwards.
"Erm, nevermind, Roy, buddy, pal. . . ." he said with a nervous grin. Roy's face became a colour that perfectly matched his red hair.
"I asked you what the FUCK you fucking wanted, you fucking fuck! Don't you DARE fucking tell me to never-fucking-mind when you fucking bug me in the first fucking place! WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING TELL ME, FAIRY-BOY!?" he screamed. Link nodded quickly.
"I was, erm, just wondering if I could have a hint as to who the person who likes me is. Marth seems to know, but he won't tell me anything except for the fact that it's not Dr. Mario or Mr. Game and Watch," he gulped nervously. "C-can I please have a hint?" Roy snorted.
"Here's your fucking hint: He looks gay. There ya go. Now, fuck off! I'm going to smoke!" Roy stormed off.
He looks gay? Link thought. Who the fu - no, no, I'm quite sick of that word now that Roy said it so much. Who looks gay here? Uhm, well, pretty much everyone. . . . He walked off to think to himself, but he met up with Samus on the way.
"Hey baby," she said, grabbing his arm and walking alongside him. "How was your day? Kick some ass?" she cooed. Link grinned at her.
"Yup, I sure did," he said. He thought for a moment before he spoke again. "Samus," he began. Samus looked at him.
"Link. . . ?" she said slowly. Link smirked a bit.
"Who here do you think looks gay? Like, like they would actually like men?" he asked. Samus looked angry.
"I'll tell you who looks like a lesbian," she growled. Link raised an eyebrow.
"Who?" he asked, looking kind of confused.
"Zelda," Samus snarled in reply. Link looked even more confused at this.
"Why do you say that?" he asked. "Did she beat you or something?" Samus nodded slowly, resulting in laughter from Link. "Figures. But really, Samus, who do you think looks gay?" Samus shrugged.
"I'd have to say just about everyone here," she said. Link grinned.
"Except me, right?" he asked hopefully. Samus shrugged.
"I dunno, Link, I'd have to say that you look gayest of all," she said, supressing laughter. Link looked offended.
"Screw you, Samus!"
END OF CHAPTER 2
A/N: Hillu everyone, and I'm done the second chapter! La de da, I got a whole bunch of compliments from the last chapter, and I'd like to take this little bit of time to reply to a few of them, with the regular comments afterwards!:
Well, you guessed one of the couples correctly ^_~ excellent guess, I was hoping someone would notice!
No way, I don't hate Marth at all! Marth is speefy :D, but someone needed to be gay, and someone needed to be the poor bloke who the gay person had a crush on! I wasn't going to pick Ness, just because he sucks, and I have plenty of ideas for other male characters too. Marth is a cutie, but he is a bit of a bishounen. Link is just a completely sexy stud, so I figured that if there was anyone a gay guy would fall for, it would be Link!
I don't hate Earthbound, it's really cool, I just hate Ness :p. And the thing about Shiek is that his chest is all muscular and stuff when you look at it. And I don't care what Nintendo says, but no matter how much Zelda taped her chest down, it could NEVER look like that O.o
I know that Shiek and Zelda are the same people, but in this fic they're not. I could spoil summat now, but I won't ^_~ and also, I know Shiek's Zelda, but I made her male in the fic and stuff.
BTW, I have nothing against the Powerpuff Girls either :p. Apparently, the Nintendo 64 game sucked ass, so I figured I'd make fun of it :p. A game that got a 2.0 rating on IGN can't be good for anyone.
I'd also like to thank Houndoom229 for the Wario idea! I completely forgot about that. And something really funny is that I was writing chapter 2 when you reviewed the fic, and I had just written about Mr. Game and Watch and Dr. Mario when I received your review! Same with the individual Pokémon thing! Scary, maybe I'm psychic O.o. Anyway, there's another idea of yours I think I'll use. I won't say which, but you'll see! And BTW, the little action scene with Fox vs. the Ice Climbers wasn't really all that important ^^;;; I just added it in there because I figured "this is a PHYSICAL fighting game. There should be some PHYSICAL fighting in it!" so there ya go. And I'm very sorry this took me so long to write!! My computer crashed terribly, and I had to fix it and stuff, plus I've been on my mom's computer a lot more, burning CDs and such. Sorry!! Anyway, chapter 3 will come sooner! Sorry about the overusage of the word fuck ^^;; Roy was really POed.