©2002 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!
WAR-NING! Some silly shounen-ai, cursing, some . . . interesting couples (very out-of-the-ordinary O.o), people who are extremely out-of-character, lemon-lime-flavoured humour, and much more naughty fun :D you have been warned! Also note that I really hate Ness, so he will be harmed periodically throughout. Enjoy!
[A/N: I mean nothing against gay people in this fic! If someone calls a homosexual character "queer", it's probably because they're pissed off. I also don't mean to offend anyone if it appears that I am using homosexuality as an insult. These are not my own views. I mean not to offend, and if I do, I'm VERY sorry!]
LEGAL SSBM DISCLAIMER: © 2001 Nintendo and HAL Laboratories. I don't own any rights for the game (peh! I wish! I wish I owned . . . yeeeheee . . . LINK too ^^).
Super Smash Bros. Melee: EXPOSED (Part 3)
Mewtwo looked around in the kitchen. He was extremely bored, and it was breakfast time. Ganondorf burst into the kitchen, throwing a fit about Yoshi having stolen his toothbrush, when Pichu had really stolen it and hollowed it out to make himself a - very tiny - bong. Mewtwo knew what he must do.
Mewtwo was in love with Joanna Dark, so he decided to imitate her. He went against the wall and crept very slowly toward the cupboard.
"Yoshi, my toothbrush is a major necessity in my life, and you just stole it from me!" Ganondorf wailed. Yoshi sighed as Pichu jumped on the table with his new bong and started taking puffs from it. He walked right beside Ganondorf and started puffing.
"Ganondorf, I didn't steal your toothbrush! Would you stop accusing me for living, because Pichu stole the brush!" Yoshi shouted. Pichu nodded slowly.
"Yeah, actually, I did. Makes a nice little bong," he said. Ganondorf shook his head.
"Pichu, that's very noble of you to stick up for Yoshi like that, but really, it's unnecessary. I know the little bastard stole it, so he can fess up by himself," he said.
Mewtwo opened the cupboard, grabbed the Cookie Crisp, then floated out of there quickly, but carefully. He prepared a tiny ball of psychokinetic energy in his palm in case Ganondorf saw him. He sped up, floating past the table where Y'Link was cheering him on. Ganondorf didn't even notice the purple cat floating past with his favourite cereal in hand.
"Yoshi, why don't you just calm down!? Honestly, clams have feelings, too! You're awful!" Ganondorf sighed and stormed our of the room.
Mewtwo saw Ganondorf coming from the kitchen as he stood in the hallway. Shit, he thought, he's going to see me! He glanced at the end of the hallway where he saw the common room. He took a quick glance at Ganondorf, who had turned around to add something else to his - already long - list of reasons he despised Yoshi. Mewtwo leapt out behind the flower pot he was hiding behind and sped toward the end of the hallway.
"Mewtwo!" Ganondorf screamed. He had spotted him. He quickly began to run after the violet feline, shaking the house with his considerable mass. Mewtwo gulped and spun around. He stuck out his three-fingered hand, and. . . .
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!
A mass of indigo psychokinetic energy hit Ganondorf at full force. He stood there confused for one moment, then the next he had been knocked out, and he flew out of the hallway and back into the kitchen. He sailed over the breakfast table where everyone looked up in surprise. After he had cleared the table, he continued to fly . . . until the cupboard stopped him. SMACK! He ran into it . . . back first. He sank slowly to the floor and flopped down. The entire table gasped (some clapped their hands over their mouths, Yoshi being one of those) and turned around. Everyone glared at Mewtwo who stood there - wide-eyed and very surprised - who was there holding Ganondorf's Cookie Crisp. He smiled nervously and cleared his throat.
"Euh . . . mission complete?" he said weakly.
In the next room, Marth and Nana were fast-dancing. Marth was wearing a black ballet leotard and a pair of pink tights (that were very flattering to his . . . lower . . . region).
"Okay now, Nana," Marth began, standing beside the CD player with his finger poised on the play button. "The dance goes like this." He pressed play, and the song started. "I'm a, slaaaaaaaaaave, for you," Marth sang along with the music as he pulled some rather impressive dance moves. Nana struggled to keep up.
"Man, Marth," she said. "You're such a good dancer. How do you do it?" Just then, Popo entered the room.
"Marth! What are you wearing!?" he exclaimed. Marth looked down at his leotard.
" . . . What?" he asked offensively. Popo snorted a bit.
"Well, it's just that . . . you, well," he started, "Marth, you look like a homo," he finished. Marth raised an eyebrow.
"Really? Well, Popo, I happened to think that it flattered my penis considerably, and I'm sorry if you don't agree," he said. He had been thinking up anti-flamitory excuses. "Besides, leotards limber you up for dances," he added. Popo laughed.
"That's why you're listening to Britney Spears. Hooooomooooo," he said. Marth sighed.
"That's because I wish I had her boo - I mean, because she's hot. You think I like her music!? Peh! It sounds like dying cats mixed with the scraping of a trillion red-painted fingernails on a blackboard!" he muttered. Popo sighed.
"Whatever, homo. You know, if you were ever in a Shakespeare play, it would be Homeo and Juliet. You wouldn't fall in love with Juliet, you'd fall in love with Tybalt, and you'd be complimenting Juliet's clothes through the whole thing," he began. He then put on a "flaming" voice. "'Juliet, sweetheart, those shoes are simply to die for! Honey, where'd you get them? And that dress? Looks marvelous on you! I wish I had your figure, my buns of steel workout just isn't working for me, and my hips are so chunky'!" Marth looked extremely offended.
"You really think my hips are chunky!?" he cried. Popo snorted again.
"Hooooomoooo. Pansy boy. Peh heh! Anyway. Sis! We're wanted. We have to go kick Ness's ass now," he said. Nana shrugged.
"Okay," she replied. "See you, Marth! Thanks for the dance lessons! Maybe now Bowser'll look at me the same way he does Zelda." She sighed and walked away.
Much later, Y'Link was trying to comfort Mewtwo a bit. They were by Ganondorf's bed in the hospital wing, and he was still fast asleep. Dr. Mario had given him medicine and the like under one condition.
"Can he give me his autograph after?" he had asked. Mewtwo rolled his eyes.
"Whatever, that's up to him to decide. Just make him better!"
Over the past few hours, people had been in and out between battles and other such activities to check on Ganondorf. Despite the fact he always accused people of doing things they didn't do, everyone respected Ganondorf. That is, except for the people who stole his Cookie Crisp, but they were really just in denial. Y'Link had been trying to cheer Mewtwo up, since it was his idea in the first place.
"Don't worry about it, Mewtwo! He'll be okay about it!" Y'Link said. Mewtwo shook his head.
"You don't understand. It wasn't like it was an accident or anything. I stole his favourite breakfast cereal, then when he wanted it back, I blasted him! I'm awful!" he cried. "And all because I wanted to be like Joanna." Y'Link raised an eyebrow.
"What!? You mean that chick from Perfect Dark!?" he exclaimed. Mewtwo nodded slowly. Y'Link shook his head a bit. "Dude, you don't get very far trying to be like a chick." Mewtwo sighed.
"But she's so cool," he began to whine, but then he was suddenly interrupted by the door opening slowly. Yoshi poked his head in.
"Guys? Master Hand needs to speak to you," he said. Mewtwo sighed and stood, then floated out the door with Y'Link following not far behind. Yoshi grinned a bit as he watched the two go out of sight, glad that his lie had actually worked, contrary to what he originally thought. He crept into the room slowly, then sat at the foot of the bed.
"Ganondorf," he said quietly. "I won't deny that you did deserve what you got, but still. . . ." he paused for a moment. "I can't help but feel sorry for you." He shook his head, then stood and walked over to the door. He shut it quietly, then locked it. He silently crept back to the bed, and bent over the upper part of the bed. He sucked in a deep breath, then slowly leaned his head forward, and kissed Ganondorf (now THAT would be a WEIRD, scary, groooosssss thing to see O.o). The kiss was kind of long, but when he was about to finish, he felt Ganondorf kissing back, then slowly wrapping his arms around his neck. . . .
Word had gotten to Daisy about Luigi's having slept with Peach, and the two were in a heated argument in the common room.
"I was faithful to you the whole time, Luigi," Daisy growled, "and not once did I ever suspect that you weren't faithful to me." Luigi laughed.
"Well, Peach told me that she loved me, something that you never did once," he said. Daisy rolled her eyes.
"Well although I didn't say it, I did love you. And besides, you believed that skank!? Luigi, Peach'll say just about anything, so long as it results in a good, long fuck in the end of it all, and you know that," she hissed.
"Peachie would not," Luigi said defensively. Daisy snorted.
"Why do you think she's with Captain Falcon now?" she asked. Luigi sighed.
"I needed a break from you, Daisy! You never let me screw you once, and you didn't tell me you loved me once, either. Let's face it, Daisy; you were boring," he muttered. Daisy narrowed her eyes.
"Luigi, you and I are through," she snapped. She threw back her hand, then slapped the green-suited plumber ringingly across the face. She then stomped off.
That night at dinner, tons of people were mad at one another. Luigi and Daisy weren't speaking because of their fight, Mario and Peach weren't talking because of their fight, Peach and Captain Falcon weren't saying anything to eachother because Peach was mad that Falcon had forgotten to lock the door when they were "busy", Shiek and Zelda weren't speaking for obvious reasons, and so on. It was very tense that night.
"Will you please ask him to pass the butter?" Zelda asked Jigglypuff, gesturing to Shiek, who was sitting across the table from her.
"Can you pass Zelda the butter, Shiek?" Jigglypuff asked politely. Shiek grinned a very sarcastic grin, that wasn't visable from behind his head-wrap, but his eyes revealed all.
"You can tell that stuck-up slut to stand up and get her own friggin' butter, because I'm concentrating on my own supper right now, and I don't feel like concerning myself with that royal bitch," he said. Zelda glared at him.
"I can hear you, you piece of shit," she growled. Shiek smirked (which was, once again, only visable from his eyes).
"Really? Well then, princess, I wasn't the one who started it, was I?" he said in a sarcastic tone.
"I'm sorry, Shiek, but if you're so mature, then why did you continue with it?" Zelda said. Shiek snorted.
"I was merely demonstrating the foolishness of someone telling someone to tell someone else something when that first someone's already there. Come on, Zel, that just ain't cool," he said. Zelda made an attempt at a retort, but couldn't think of anything, so she improvised.
"'Ain't' isn't a word, you language arts-flunkie," she snapped. Shiek laughed.
"I'm sorry, your royal idiocy, but last time I checked, all through high school I got better marks than you in every single subject," he replied. Zelda laughed.
"Because you were a loser! I was too busy with my colourful social life to really worry about my grades!" She flipped back her hair. Jigglypuff suddenly looked angry.
"WILL YOU BOTH JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!?" she screamed. The entire table fell silent. "I was trying to be nice to you two immature jerks, but you didn't even notice!" Kirby looked up.
"Yeah! Cut Jigglypuff a break, here!" he chided. Jigglypuff sighed.
"We all know you two are still in love with eachother, so why don't you just admit it, and apologize!?" she said pointedly. Shiek stuck his nose in the air.
"She can apologize first. I shouldn't have to apologize. I was in love with her, and she showed her affection in return by flirting with Bowser. I don't find that fair," he muttered. Zelda's eyes widened.
"You . . . loved me?" she whispered.
"Yes, I did, Zelda. I was going to tell you that when you told me you loved me, but you stormed off, because you're so stubborn!" Shiek huffed. Zelda laughed.
"Sorry, Shiek, but I'm not the one who got jealous over a green turtle with spikes on his shell," she said. Shiek snorted.
"Jealous!? I was not jealous!" he exclaimed.
"You were too, you twit!" Zelda snapped in reply.
"I am not a pregnant gold fish!" Shiek cried, sounding quie shocked. Zelda raised an eyebrow, and looked VERY confused.
"What!?" Zelda interjected. Shiek shook his head.
"Nevermind. But the fact is, Zelda, that you are selfish," he said. Zelda laughed.
"Oh, really, Shiek?" she spat. "I don't think so. I was being nice to Bowser." Bowser, from across the table, looked hurt, and a bit offended.
"More like leading me on! I thought you liked me!" he sighed. "You had me believing that for once I might not have to steal a girlfriend and actually get one that liked me!" Nana almost spoke up, but she didn't. Shiek looked at Zelda, triumph evident on his face. Zelda's eyes started to well up with tears, then in a half second, they immediately started spilling down her cheeks.
"Just stop, okay!?" she wailed. She buried her face in her satin-gloved hands. "I'm s-sorry. . . ." Shiek looked at her sympathetically. He sucked in a deep breath, then got up and walked around the table until he got to Zelda. He put a hand on her shoulder.
"Zelda," he said quietly. "I'm sorry." Zelda looked up at him, tears still streaming down her face. "I shouldn't have gotten jealous of Bowser. I honestly didn't know that you loved me. I'm sorry." Zelda looked even more upset.
"Shiek. . . !" she cried, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face in his chest.
"Awwwww!" came the voices of everyone at the table. Zelda and Shiek looked up, blushed, then ran off to someplace more private. Mewtwo sighed suddenly.
"I really hope Ganondorf's all right," said the lavender pussy. Er, wait a sec. Okay, that's not what I meant, but give me a break! How many more nouns for "cat" can you find!? Sure, "purple"'s easy. I can still use mauve or puce for the adjective. But words for cat ain't easy, folks. Er, aren't.
"Don't worry about it, Mewtwo. Come to think of it, where's Yoshi?" Y'Link asked.
One, two, skip a few . . . forty-four, skip some more . . . ninty-nine, one hundred. There we go, Ganondorf and Yoshi's scene is over, folks. Sorry, but looks to me as if you may have to wait until next chapter!
Sandbag sat alone, crying in the dark.
"Whyyyyy!?" he wailed, his voice echoing through the halls. "Why is it that every single day I must be bruised and battered just for people to find out how far they can hit things?" he sobbed. "Whyyyyyy!?" By this time, the poor bag of sand had cried so much that he had gotten himself all wet. Just then, he heard a familiar voice. . . .
"Shut the fuck up she said, I'm going fuckin' deaf you're always too loud, everything's too loud," came the voice of Pikachu, singing yet ANOTHER Blink 182 song. He stopped for a moment. "Hey, Sandbag!" he called. "I'm bored, mind if I hit you around for a little while?" Sandbag looked frightened.
"N-no!" he cried, starting to hop away. Pikachu looked confused.
"What? What's wrong? All I'm going to do is grab a hard wooden bat and beat you with it a couple of times, possibly rupturing your entire outer casing and spilling all of your innards onto the playing field, killing you and making everyone cry and mourn over your death and go to your funeral dressed all in black to sing hymns and praise your once beautiful and hopeful life. Some people may be so upset that they may just die, you know! I mean, I'm sure you have a Mommy Sandbag and a Daddy Sandbag; maybe a few Brother and/or Sister Sandbags. Hell, I bet you've even got a beautiful Wife Sandbag and a few Sandbag Juniors back home. In fact, you know, now that you've cried so much, all of your sand'll be mud, so it would go SPLAT and fly over everyone in the crowd. Actually, that might be kinda cool. Wheee, bag guts!" he said. As you can probably guess, Pikachu sometimes tended to go off topic a bit. Of course, right then he decided he would sing yet ANOTHER Blink 182 song that didn't fit the context in the slightest bit. "I took her out, it was a Friday night, I walked her home, to get the feeling right. We started making out, and she took off my pants. . . ." Sandbag winced.
"No!! You hear me, Pikachu!? I quit! No one's EVER hitting me with a bat again!" he cried, hopping over to the props' dormitory. Pikachu followed him and watched as the bag started to stuff clothes and such into a duffel bag. "I don't care if I don't get paid for the short time I was here! Yoshi hit me far enough, and you unlocked your stupid stage! I've had it!" He grabbed the bag with his nonexistant arm and hopped through the doorway, never to be seen again by anyone from Melee for at least a week. Pikachu raised an eyebrow.
"What the. . . ? Ahhh well," he said. Of course, then he started to sing another Blink 182 song. "I . . . know a guy . . . he had sex with his sister. . . ." What!? What is wrong with this yellow mouse!? I mean, sure, he likes Blink, and so do I, and so do many others, but honestly, why can't he sing any of the other songs!? "Fuckin' and suckin' and touchin' . . . it's mother's daaaaaay. . . ." Whaaaaa. . . !? Okay, there's something about that just doesn't sit with me right. Let's say we leave Pikachu alone for the rest of the chapter, and hope that there are some songs he just did NOT act out. . . .
Once again, Roy sat in his room, a joint alight. He was so happy that he'd had no interruptions as of yet. Pichu was passed out and vomiting from an ecstacy overdose (not cool O.o but hey, it's Pichu! He'll be okay!), and Donkey Kong was passed out from drinking too much brandy. Yep, it certainly was a nice night for Roy. He had a thick, smelly cloud of smoke all around his head, but to him it was like a cloud of heaven (O.o). But suddenly, Link burst into the room.
"Roy!" he shouted. Donkey Kong stirred from the lower bunk bed.
"Oi, mate, don't yell so loud," he groaned. Link ignored him.
"Roy, this is driving me insane. I can't figure out who's gay by myself, here. I need a bit of help, please," he pleaded. Unfortunately for him, Roy was unbelievably out of it. That was his thirteenth joint that night. Of course, Link didn't get an answer. He stood there for about five minutes until finally, Roy gave him a straight (haha, no pun intended) answer.
". . . Nooo. . . ." he said, veeeeery slowly. Link sighed.
"Dude, you are really fucked up. You oughta cut it out with the joints, 'coz you're going to kill yourself or something. Anyway, I'll see you later. Talk to me tomorrow about this, kay?" Link left. Ten minutes later - even though Link was gone - Roy responded.
". . . Kaaayyyy. . . ."
Fox and Falco were really bored.
"Dude," Fox started, "this is boring." Falco nodded in agreement.
"Yup," he said. "Hey, you know what I noticed?" he asked. Fox raised an eyebrow.
"No, Falco, why don't you tell me?" he questioned in reply. Falco suddenly looked pretty pissed off.
"The stupid bitch who wrote this fic . . . I think her name's Nekonezume . . . anyway . . . she hasn't put us in this that much, has she?" he growled. Uh oh, I think I know where this is going. Fox nodded slowly.
"Hey, yeah . . . you're right, she doesn't put us in much. In fact, I'd say we're in here the least," he said. Just then, Mr. Game and Watch, Kirby, and Dr. Mario popped up from behind the couch.
"Actually, we're not in it much, either," they said in unison. Then, the Ice Climbers hopped out from behind the nearby television set.
"We're not in it much," said Popo. "Although my stupid sister here'll be in it a lot more soon. Does that mean she's more special than we are, Nekonezume?" Guys, really! I'm not trying to count you out, honest!
"Honest, ehhh? Then how come the only time I'm in this stupid fuckin' fic is when you feel like beating me up!?" cried Ness, jumping out of the lightbulb in the lamp. Er, wait . . . how'd he do that!? Honestly, guys, I can explain!
"Can you?" came the voices of a whole shitload of Pokémon, who appeared at the doorway. "We're all in the game, but we're never in your fic! Way to include everyone, stupid bitch! We oughta kick your ass!" Meep! Really, guys! Please! I try my hardest, honest, I do! It's hard to include every single one of you!
"Well, what about us!?" shouted Bob-Omb and Freezie, flying out of an electrical wire (what the. . . !?). Please, don't hurt me! They all advanced on me very slowly, and they looked as if they were about to hurt me very very badly, when all of a sudden. . . .
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
I smacked my hand down on my alarm clock automatically, then bolted straight out of bed. I wiped the cold sweat from my forehead, then realized something. It had only been a dream! But then, I made a decision, and I wrote it in enormous letters on my calendar.
PUT MORE CHARACTERS IN CHAPTER FOUR.
Popo and Nana were just getting ready for bed; brushing their teeth together. The only time the two were actually apart was . . . actually, nevermind, outside battle, they were ALWAYS apart.
"Soooo, Sis," began Popo, spitting the mixture of toothpaste and saliva ( . . . charming) into the sink, "what's this about you liking Bowser?" Nana's face went from her normal flesh colour to a deep crimson. She spat into the sink as well.
"Er, well. . . ." she stuttered. Her brother laughed.
"Come on, Nana. He's a TURTLE. A TURTLE. He's green, he smells like onions, and he's got spikes all over his back that could rip you to shreds. What's the attraction!?" he exclaimed. Nana looked at her feet.
"He's nice. . . ." she said quietly. Popo shook his head.
"Sis, a guy who steals princesses for a living is nice!? You're not even a princess, Nana, so why don't you just face it? Bowser won't ever look at you the same way he does Zelda and Peach, and probably Daisy, and it's because you're not a princess. I'm going to bed." He stomped off. Tears welled up in Nana's eyes.
If I'm not a princess now, then I will be, she thought. I will be soon.
Peach decided she'd might as well go to bed now. She was bored, afterall, with no one there to sleep with. She and Mario were through, and she and Captain Falcon weren't speaking with eachother. She knew it would be a long night, though, all because usually she slept much better after being tired out for one reason or another, and she slept much better when someone was there with her. She sighed and walked slowly out to the kitchen to get herself some warm milk. Maybe that would help her get to sleep.
When she arrived in the kitchen, the first person she noticed there was Mario. She put her hand to her forehead, then managed a weak "hi". Mario looked up, and noticed who it was. He shot the princess a sad, hurt look, then looked back down to the cup of hot chocolate he was preparing.
"Hi," he muttered unhappily. Peach sighed. She felt absolutely awful, especially since now she was alone because of her own greed. She coughed as she opened the refridgerator and grabbed the milk.
"Couldn't sleep?" she said quietly. Mario cleared his throat, and didn't look up from his hot chocolate once.
"I couldn't sleep last night, either," he murmured. Peach sighed.
"Mario, I'm so sorry," she started, but Mario glared at her, and interrupted.
"Well, good," he said. "You should be. I loved you, Peach, and I was certain you loved me, too. What went wrong?" Just as you could probably guess, Pikachu stuck his head in the kitchen door and started singing.
"What went wrong, 'coz you said this was right, you fucked up my life," he sang. Mario sighed.
"I'm going now," he grumbled, grabbing his hot chocolate and heading to the common room to look out the window for awhile. Peach sighed and watched him leave.
"I'm sorry, Mario," she whispered sadly. And believe it or not, she actually was.
END OF CHAPTER 3
A/N: Personal rant here. Someone at the IGN boards (I'll be nice, and I won't name any names, but let's just say that you know who you are, shall we?) decided he would pass off my work as his own. That's just not cool. I appreciate you liking my fic enough to pretend you wrote it, but please give credit where due. It's not very nice of you to go on like that. Anyway, I hope that someday you can write a piece of work of your very own, not copied off ANYONE, and have people enjoy it that way. Good luck to you.
Anyway, since apparently people LIKE this fic (don't ask me how that happened, coz I didn't really mean for it to :p), I should probably apologize for this chapter being so late. I had . . . uggghhh . . . EXAMS last week, and I had to study (although I didn't do that very much and flunked half the exams anyway :p). You know, I think I'm going to start dating when these fics are finished, just so I can prove that I in fact did write them, and that my ideas are original.
Big thanks goes out to Houndoom229 once again for the Bowser-and-Nana idea and the Sandbag idea! And BTW, TailsShadowVivi12, you correctly guessed the Ganondorf-and-Yoshi coupling ^-^ good job, you get an invisable cookie :p.
And BTW, I NEED HELP! I'm having a lot of trouble with Fox and Falco, and I don't have a CLUE as to what I should do with them ;_; e-mail me here or write a review, and please tell me what I should do with these guys!! And by the way, I'm very sorry this chapter isn't that great ^^;;;. Sorry if it's getting too mushy for your tastes. I really hope I won't lose any readers because of this chapter. Anyway, chapter 4'll come much sooner than this one did!