©2002 This story was written by Katie (oh sure! Like I'll give you my last name!). It is totally 100% fictional, which is why it's a fanfic! If you wanna use it on your webpage, then you must e-mail me at katiec@nb.sympatico.ca. If I find my fanfic on your page without my permission, then I will personally kill you. Have a nice day :P!
WAR-NING! Some silly shounen-ai, cursing, some . . . interesting couples (very out-of-the-ordinary O.o), people who are extremely out-of-character, lemon-lime-flavoured humour, and much more naughty fun :D you have been warned! Also note that I really hate Ness, so he will be harmed periodically throughout. Enjoy!
[A/N: I mean nothing against gay people in this fic! If someone calls a homosexual character "queer", it's probably because they're pissed off. I also don't mean to offend anyone if it appears that I am using homosexuality as an insult. These are not my own views. I mean not to offend, and if I do, I'm VERY sorry!]
LEGAL SSBM DISCLAIMER: © 2001 Nintendo and HAL Laboratories. I don't own any rights for the game (peh! I wish! I wish I owned . . . yeeeheee . . . LINK too ^^).
Super Smash Bros. Melee: EXPOSED (Part 4)
Zelda woke up with the sun pouring in through the window. She yawned and stretched in the bed a little bit, then cuddled in closer with Shiek, who lay there in the bed nude, and still asleep. This slowly woke him up.
"Morning," he whispered. Zelda lifted her head of Shiek's chest, then rolled over so that she was looking down on him.
"Morning," she replied, leaning down and kissing him. Shiek wrapped his arms around her.
"Sleep well?" he asked. Zelda grinned.
"You know I did," she replied. The night before, after the two left the dinner table, they ran into the dormitory and talked for awhile. Shiek sheepishly asked her out, she said yes, and they continued to . . . er, well, you get the picture. They had been asleep by the time all the men went to bed, so no one really noticed that they were in bed together.
Until now.
"Dude, why is Zelda's dress on the floor?" asked Fox from the bunk under the one Shiek and Zelda were on. Their eyes went very wide.
"Shit," they hissed in unison. Fox inspected the ground even more closely.
"Dude, her undies are here and everything!" he exclaimed. He climbed up the ladder that went up to the top bunk a short way up, then looked over the bedside. He saw Shiek's wide eyes staring up at the ceiling, and the back of Zelda's head buried into Shiek's chest. Fox raised his eyebrows.
"Dude! Shiek and Zelda were bangin' last night!" he exclaimed, waking a few people up. Shiek's face changed to a red so bright it matched his eyes perfectly. "Good job, Shiek, ya finally nailed her!" Dr. Mario and Mr. Game & Watch peeked their heads over the top of the bed.
"Zelda!" they exclaimed in unison. "Can we have your autograph!?" Zelda groaned.
"Not now," she muttered. Just then, Link woke up as well.
"What's all the commotion?" he asked sleepily from the top bunk of the neighbouring bed. He yawned, then glanced over at Shiek's bunk. He immediately stopped yawning, and his eyes shot wide open.
"Whoa!" he interjected. "Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing!? Did you finally get Zel in the sack, Shiek!?" If it was possible, Shiek's face went even redder right then. "Whoa, man, good job! You got her a lot faster than I did when we were going out. It took me at least a week to get her to have sex with me! I applaud you!" Y'Link sighed from the bottom bunk of Link's bed.
"I guess this means Zelda doesn't like me, like I thought she did," he pouted. Marth hopped out of bed as well, then looked up at Shiek's bunk.
"Well I'll be fucked in the ass by Li - I mean, well, I'll be fucked in the ass, Shiek and Zelda are together! About time!" he exclaimed. Shiek sighed.
"Will you people please stop!? I mean, we just - Zelda, what are you doing?" he asked, noticing Zelda's head sinking slowly beneath the covers. "Everyone's already seen you, and even if they haven't, they'll know you're here by - oh, that's what you're doing . . . well, in that case, go ahead!" He giggled a bit.
Yoshi's eyes slowly opened. For a moment, he wondered where he was. Then he remembered. He smiled a bit, then got a bit closer to the massive form that had his arms wrapped tightly around the green dragon.
"Morning," said Ganondorf suddenly. Yoshi smiled even more.
"Morning," he replied. Oh, man. You guys all know what happened between Yoshi and Ganondorf, right!? The night before!? Grooooosss! I mean, one of the most evil (not to mention ugly) men in all of Nintendo history . . . and a cute, little green dragon . . . doing . . . it. Just . . . gyeh! There goes my lunch, right out the window!
"I think we should talk for a sec, though, Yosh," said Ganondorf. Yoshi looked up at him.
"What about?" he asked. Ganondorf coughed a bit.
"Well, er, it's just that. . . ." he sighed and trailed off. "I don't think I'm ready for everyone to know about us just yet, okay?" Yoshi nodded.
"No problem," he replied. Just then, there was a knock at the door. Yoshi's eyes widened.
"Shit! Ganondorf, get your clothes on!" hissed Yoshi, leaping out of Ganondorf's arms and onto the floor.
"Hey, Ganondorf, you okay?" it was Mewtwo. Yoshi glanced at the window, where the shades were down from the inside. He saw a violet eye making an attempt at looking through to the other side, and he panicked. Quickly, he ran to the door and opened it slowly.
"Huy?" he said quickly.
"Is Ganondorf okay? Can I talk to him?" Mewtwo asked sadly. Yoshi coughed.
"Er, well, euh, he's, euh, still asleep," he said. Mewtwo raised an eyebrow.
"Hey, were you here all night, Yosh?" he asked suspiciously. Yoshi coughed again.
"Euhr, well, euh, yeah, but only because I was worried about him. He and I are good friends, you know," he said. Mewtwo laughed.
"Come on, Yosh, you hate Ganondorf, and he hates you. Tell me why you're really here. You're not trying to kill him, are you, Yoshi!?" he gasped with horror. Yoshi's eyes became wide.
"What!? No! I tell you, we're friends! We just fight sometimes! Friends fight, right? Hahaha. Well, in any event, I've, euh, gotta go. Seeya!" With that, Yoshi sped out of the room as fast as his little red-bootied legs could take him. Mewtwo sighed and shook his head, then entered the room slowly. He saw that Ganondorf was actually awake, although his clothes were on the floor.
Dammit! he thought. I forgot to get dressed! Now he's really going to suspect something! Mewtwo glanced at the clothes on the floor.
"What, euh, happened here?" he asked. Ganondorf coughed.
"Well, euh, you know what, eh, happens in here . . . it gets really hot and stuffy and you just have to take off all your clothes and kind of, well . . . air yourself off, go a-flappin' in the breeze, get my drift? Er . . . no pun intended," he said quickly. Mewtwo winced.
"Erm, a little . . . too much information there, pal. But. . . ." he sighed a bit. "I just . . . really want to apologize for what I did. The whole Cookie Crisp incident, even. I feel horrible, and I didn't mean to, uh, blow you up." He hung his head. Ganondorf grinned.
"Don't worry about it, Mewtwo! I had a great sleep when I was knocked out -" - Not just from your psychokinetic energy, heh heh - "- so I'm in a great mood!" What happened last night helped a bit, too, heh heh! Mewtwo's face brightened up a bit.
"Are you sure?" he asked uncertainly. "You mean you're not going to yell at me and blame me for everything?" Ganondorf laughed.
"I'm sure, and no, I won't. Don't worry 'bout it, Mewtwo! All is well," he said. Mewtwo shrugged a bit.
"Okay, then. But I still feel as if I should repay you in some way. Is there anything?" he asked. Ganondorf bit his lip, looking somewhat contemplative, then spoke.
"Well . . . can you keep a secret?" he asked.
Fifteen minutes later, Mewtwo walked out of the hospital room, looking utterly disgusted. Ganondorf had told him about he and Yoshi. The mauve polecat (so he's not a skunk, sue me, there aren't enough cat-synonyms) pushed the thought out of his mind and reached into his pockets (ok, he was wearing his pyjamas . . .). He pulled out a picture of Joanna Dark wearing . . . err . . . not much. Mewtwo grinned mischieviously, then ran out to a nearby bathroom. Er, ewwww.
Falco sat at the breakfast table, drinking milk from a tiny carton through a straw. He was sitting beside Marth, who was busy diggin' into some Belgian waffles (lightly dusted with a lovely icing sugar, only the freshest strawberries, some light whipped cream, and a drizzle of pure Canadian maple syrup). But Falco just sat there, guzzlin' his milk down. Finally, he reached the bottom of the carton, and started slurping loudly. This irritated Marth.
"Falco, please," he started. "It's the end of the carton. There's nothing left." Falco ignored this, and continued slurping away. "Falco, please," Marth begged. Falco continued to slurp, getting even louder and louder. "Dude, Falco! There's no fucking milk left! Put the damn carton down!" Falco started one big, long slurp, but Marth grabbed the container and tossed it across the room, hitting Ness square in the noggin with the sharp corner of the container.
"Ow!" he exclaimed. "Marth, what the hell did you do that for!?" Popo glanced over at Marth, then at his breakfast. He snorted loudly.
"So much for your little 'diet', eh Marth?" he said mockingly. "So much for not having chunky hips anymore?" Marth frowned.
"What are you talking about?" he asked. "This is all I'm eating all day. It's my new diet plan; eat a nice, big, fattening breakfast, then chew gum the rest of the day." Popo laughed a bit more.
"Whaaaaatever," he said. "Homo." Falco's eyes lit up.
"Marth's gay!?" he interjected. Marth's eyes widened.
"No, I'm not gay!" he cried. "Come on, look at this body! I would waste this on wo - er - MEN, would I!? No way, I'm in it for the chicks." Popo laughed a bit more.
"There's no use trying to hide it, ya big homo, we all know it already," he muttered. Marth quickly made note that Link wasn't at the table, and sighed with relief. Unfortunately, he noticed that Samus wasn't there either.
Damn damn damn! he thought. They must be - He paused his thoughts as Link and Samus entered the room, holding hands.
"Ya know, Samus," Link started, "a nice quickie in the morning is a good way to wake up." If Samus's face had been visable then, everyone would have noticed the fact that she was blushing.
"I don't know what you're talking about!" she said with a slight laugh, running into the kitchen to grab some cereal. Marth mentally sighed.
I knew it, he thought. There's no chance that he's anywhere NEAR being gay now.
By noon, Fox and Falco had quite the craving for a pizza.
"Dammit," Fox grumbled, "why don't they have pizza here? All they supply us with is shit!" Falco nodded in agreement.
"Hey, yeah, good point. Why don't we go get a pizza, then?" he asked. Fox snorted loudly.
"For two reasons," he began. "One, we have no money. Two, if we did, they wouldn't let us out of here." Falco laughed.
"Uh, duuuude, since when do we go by the rules!? Let's go mug a pizza place! There's one down the road!" he said enthusiastically. Fox smirked.
"I like the way you think. I'll steal some of Peach's pantyhose, you get the SuperSoakers," he said. Falco nodded affirmatively and headed to the recreation closet, where things such as old Nintendo systems (GameBoys, NES, SNES, 64, etc.), SuperSoakers, a ping-pong table (paddles, balls, etc.) and other such recreational items. He grabbed two huge waterguns and proceeded to the washroom to fill them up with water.
Fox sped into the girl's dormitory (he was kind of hoping he'd get a glimpse of one of the girls changing, but no one was in there). He looked around the room, until he saw a dresser of light pink with a darker pink boarder, and a golden crown at the top of the mirror. Across the golden crown in a painted-pink embossment read "PEACH TOADSTOOL". It looked rather pleasant, but Fox didn't give a flying Pikachu testicle right then as he tore open the top drawer and pulled out a pair of ugly brown pantyhose. He wondered why Peach even had those, but then shrugged it off and sped out of the room. He heard a tap running, and noticed it was coming from the washroom. His guess was that Falco was filling up the SuperSoakers, so he sped into the washroom the sound was coming from. Of course, there stood Falco, filling up a pair of ENORMOUS water guns. Fox smirked, and grabbed a pair of nasal-hair-trimming scissors from a toothbrush rack. He started to cut the pantyhose so that the two would be able to fit it over their heads and look like a couple of thugs.
"Almost ready?" Fox asked. Falco grinned a bit and snagged the sunglasses from his front-breast (haha, get it!! CHICKEN BREAST! HAHAHAH! . . . *cough* anyway. . . .) pocket. He unfolded them and put them on.
"This is going to be so cool," he said.
Peach slowly walked behind Captain Falcon. She was lonely once again, and very sad. She realized that sex wasn't the only thing she loved; she also loved the relationships that went along with the sex. The hand-holding, the kissing, the hugging, and the loving eachother. She and Mario were quite obviously through (she had tried to talk to him once again that morning, but that really didn't go over too well; he yelled at her and told her to go away), so she thought she'd try to get Captain Falcon to come around, despite the fact she had been mad at him, and not the other way around. She cleared her throat slightly.
"Falcon. . . ?" she said slowly and cautiously, hoping that he wouldn't get mad at her the same way Mario did. Captain Falcon sat there on the couch, his head buried in his hands. When he heard Peach's voice, he raised his head quickly.
"Peachie?" he whispered hopefully. Peach sat down beside him, and looked into his eyes. She noticed they were puffy and red. He had been crying. Peach put on a very sad expression.
"Oh, Falcon," she said, putting one of her hands on top of his. "I'm so sorry. That was a really stupid reason for me to get mad. I was foolish and naive. I'm sorry. Can we give it another shot?" Falcon smiled weakly.
"Okay . . . but please, don't do it again," he said. Peach smiled a bit, then gave him a hug. She promised she wouldn't. And this time, she meant it. For once in her life, she decided she'd keep a relationship, and no matter how boring it seemed to get, she wouldn't leave it.
Wario was comforting Daisy, who was crying hard and had her head rested on his shoulder. Daisy took the breakup between she and Luigi very hard; although she hadn't said "I love you" to Luigi, she really did. She hadn't stopped crying since the breakup, which was when she had started.
"There there, shhh," Wario said, patting the poor woman on the back to try and calm her down a little bit. She simply sobbed harder and blew her nose into Wario's yellow shirt.
"I'm so sorry, Wario," she wailed, "but Luigi was my life. To find out he was cheating on me with Peach of all people! Peach, my archenemy!" Wario raised an inquisitive eyebrow.
"Peach is your archenemy? Since when?" he asked. Daisy lifted her head from his shoulder, then put on a very angry face.
"Since always," she growled. "Peach has always bragged to me about how wonderful her life was. About how great the Mushroom Kingdom was in comparison to measley Sarasaland, where money isn't abundant. As childhood 'friends' she would always brag about the trophies she received in beauty pagents. Well, what about me!? Why didn't I get any trophies!? Am I not beautiful enough!?" She paused to let Wario know that he should probably answer the question, and he quickly obliged.
"N-no! You're very beautiful!" he exclaimed nervously. Daisy's eyes went from hard to soft (OI, getchah mind outtah tha guttah!), and she looked at Wario.
"You really think I'm beautiful?" she asked. Wario grinned a bit, and nodded slowly.
"Well, yeah," he said. "Sure as the grass is green!" Daisy's eyes welled up with tears once again, and she started crying and gave Wario a great big hug.
"Warioooo! That's so nice of yoooou!" she sobbed. Wario had the expression of someone who was panicked and not quite sure what to do on his face. He gently patted her on the head for lack of anything better to do.
Fox and Falco tore through the neighbourhood as fast as they could go, shooting pedestrians with their waterguns as they ran past. Initially, everyone cast onto Melee was not allowed to leave the building for a week, due to the fact that HAL was videotaping the game (they took the live footage of the characters, then programmed it to look the same way when you did something, and it turned out rather well, although many of the cast complained about how painful it was to turn into a trophy for a few minutes, then back again), and they could ask for any cast member at any minute. Fox and Falco obviously didn't give a flying Raichu nut about the rules. They were troublemakers by nature.
They sped down the road, occasionally shooting people and laughing, until they finally arrived at Giovanni's Pizza (ever since Team Rocket had failed, Giovanni made a pitiful attempt at opening a pizza place, and it's the first plan of his that had ever been successful). The two ducked down outside the shop.
"Okay," Fox started, darting his eyes from Falco to the door. "On the count of three, we run in, shoot whoever's in charge, and we grab the pizza. Okay?" Falco nodded affirmatively.
"Good enough," he said. He laughed suddenly. "Man, does your face ever look smushed with that pantyhose over it!" he snorted. Fox rolled his eyes.
"One," he began, "two, three."
The two hopped up from the hedge they were hiding behind and raced up the cement walkway. They pushed the glass door open, and the little bell chimed, telling the world of Giovanni's Pizza that two "customers" had just arrived.
"Welcome to Giovanni's Pizza," said a handsome young man with blue hair to his shoulders. "May I take your - FUCK, THEY'VE GOT GUNS!" Fox and Falco grinned maliciously as they pulled out their SuperSoakers and aimed them at the blue-haired boy. They fired abruptly, getting the kid soaking wet.
"What's going on out here?" came a feminine voice. A pretty girl with shocking raspberry-coloured hair done into an interesting curl came out. Her eyes widened as Falco switched his fire from the boy to the girl.
"AAHHH!! James, DO something!" cried the girl. The boy (James, I take it) squirmed.
"I can't, Jesse!" he whined. "It's too cold! Ahhhhh, my nuts are shrinking!" Jesse frowned from under the water that was hitting her in the face.
"What nuts!?" she shouted. James looked upset.
"Jesse, that was below the belt. . . ." he said sadly. The two continued arguing, and Fox and Falco saw this as their chance. Quickly, they grabbed the two pizzas off the counter and ran out of there as fast as they could.
That night, Master Hand and his left-handed counterpart snuck in and set up a nice karaoke dinner theatre for the entire cast of Melee. The first people to notice were Peach and Captain Falcon as they entered the room holding hands.
"Hmm? What's all this, then?" Falcon asked. If Master Hand had a mouth, he would've grinned right then.
"It's like, this, uhm, Ryo-Ohki thing," he said stupidly. The lefty rolled his - ah fuck, he doesn't HAVE eyes >_
"Uhm, hello, it's KARAOKE. Ryo-Ohki is a cabbit," he muttered. Master Hand scratched his - GYAH! Now who made this hand-bastard so hard to describe!? No eyes, no head, no bloody face, fer cryin' oot loud!! GYAHHHH! *coughs* Anyway. . . .
"Yeah, er, I knew that. A Loreena Bobbit," said Master Hand. Lefty there jumped back a bit.
"Dude, Loreena Bobbit!? That's that figure skater that tried to cut off her husband's dick! How did you get that from karaoke!?" he cried in surprise. Master Hand shook his - GYAAAAAAHHHH DAMMIT!!
"Er, never mind or something. Any way, it's a Karen Ohkee-" he started. Lefty interrupted.
"I give up!" he shouted. He walked away. Master Hand ignored this and continued anyway.
"And you sing and dance and all kinds of funlike stuff! Wheeeeee!" he walked away. Peach raised an eyebrow.
"Certainly is an odd one. Anyway, why don't we give it a shot?" she asked. Captain Falcon shrugged.
"I don't see why not," he said. The two walked up on the stage and chose the song the were going to sing.
"Babe, I got you babe," they sang in unison. The other cast members in the house heard all the commotion and decided to enter. Bob-Ombs, Freezies, Topis and the polar bear dudes were all putting menus on the table as all the Pokémon, Yoshi, Ganondorf, Marth, the Ice Climbers, Roy, and Bowser entered.
"What's going on here?" Marth asked. Samus and Link sped in suddenly.
"We want to do a duet!" they screamed in frantic unison. They were in luck, because Captain Falcon and Peach had just finished their own duet. They both grinned.
"It's all yours," said Peach into the microphone. Samus took off her helmet, and grinned at Link. He grinned back. The two ran up to the stage, and put on the song they wanted. . . .
"I wanna, l-l-l-lick you from your head to your toes," they sang. Gyah, THAT song, of all things they could be singing!? Well . . . of course, I suppose they would take that into context. While Link and Samus were singing, people began to sit down and order food. Just then, in the middle of the song, Falco and Fox burst into the room, carrying pizzas and SuperSoakers.
"WHOOOT!" they shouted in glee.
"Anyone want some pizza?" Fox asked with a grin.
Hours later, Pikachu had sung "Happy Holidays, You Bastard" by Blink 182, Nana had ripped off her winter coat to reveal a very scant article of clothing as she danced down the aisle and to Bowser's table singing "I'm a Slave For You" by *shudder* Britney Spears (to the great encouragement of Marth, her dance instructor), and Marth sung "Closet" by WIZO. All in all, it was a great evening. Of course, in honour of their pizza heist, Fox and Falco got up on stage and did a duet of "Makes No Difference" by Sum 41. Then, Roy decided he'd get up and sing a lovely song that described him perfectly. . . .
"I smoke two joints before I smoke two joints, and then I smoke two more!" he sang. Yes, indeed. Speaking of which, right after he sang that, he went off to his room to light up.
"I've been to Mushroom Mountain, once or twice but who's countin', but nothin' compares to these blue and yellow purple pills," I bet you can guess who that was, and if you can't, it was Pichu.
"You spin me right round, baby, right round, like a record, baby, right round round round," and that was a duet between Ganondorf and Yoshi. Well, okay, to make a long story short. everyone had their turn at singing a song. Yes, even Bowser, who was still broken hearted from what happened between he and Zelda. He and Y'Link (who was depressed that Zelda liked Shiek and not he) sang a really sad and beautiful duet of a song by the . . . ar . . . Backstreet Boys. Donkey Kong also sang "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" with a horrid drunken slur.
Link walked into the druggie-dorm where Roy sat, taking a puff on an enormous joint. He grinned at the elven man as he entered.
"Link! Mah main man! Mah homey! Mah muchacho! Mon ami! Puraschikku foodo!" he exclaimed with a grin. "Come to join the party?" Pichu groaned on the bed and muttered something about the mermaids coming to feed him gumdrop gingerbread men and take him away to a land far, far away. Link raised an eyebrow slightly and coughed a bit.
"Errr, ah, no, not really," he muttered. "But I came to ask you for another hint on who likes me." Roy grinned deviously.
"Dude, you should know by now that it's Marth," he said. Link's eyes wided, then Roy realized what he had just done. "Oh . . . shit! That's it!" He threw his weed on the floor, then proceeded to jump off the bed and stomp on it until it was nothing but a big pile of mush. "I am quitting weed TODAY! Drugs are VERY BAD!" Link looked appalled.
"Are . . . are you serious!?" he exclaimed. "It's Marth!? Marth is the one that likes me!?" Roy sighed a bit as he grabbed a broom and a dust pan, then swept up all that was left of his marijuana and tossed it into the garbage bin.
"Well, I guess there's no use in denying it, since you obviously know now. Yes, Link. Marth is the one that likes you," he grumbled. "But please don't say anything to him! He'll kill me if he finds out I told you!" Link nodded a bit, and sighed.
"Okay . . . I won't say anything. Thanks, Roy."
END OF CHAPTER FOUR
A/N: Thanks to EVERYONE who suggested Fox and Falco be pranksters and troublemakers! Ohhhh man is this one ever going to be fun XD I have plans thanks to my friend FacyFace for the next chapter XD. I'd also like to give a huge thanks to Sum 41 XP 'coz I stole their idea for the pizza thing (only they stole a tv :p) from their "Makes No Difference" music video. Man, this was an insanely fun chapter to write, and I enjoyed it ^_^. Thanks to whoever gave me the idea of making Roy tell Link (when he's REALLY stoned) about Marth liking him ^_^ that was a kickass idea. Sorry if I don't include names much, but I get so many ideas from fans that it's hard to keep track of who gave 'em all to me O.o. Also, a big thanks to my good friend Houndoom_229 for encouragement ^_^.
The whole karaoke thing was due to the fact that tomorrow is *sigh* Valentine's Day. Would someone be my Valentine? ;_;
Sorry, this chapter took a lot longer than I said it would ;_; truth is, I had a bit of writer's block in the middle there, until I saw that Sum 41 video ^_^ man, I love Sum 41 ^_^ :p. As usual, comments and ideas are accepted, however I'll have to ask you all to cut back on the ideas a bit, as I am a bit flooded with them currently ^_^;;; so sorry! You all have such wonderful ideas, I wish I could use them all!
As usual, thank you all for reading this pitiful story :p I hope you liked this chapter more than the last one ^_^;;; it's certainly disturbing enough :p.