A/N: This is an interlude monstrosity perpetrated on Jan McNeville's 'Sixteen Years After Catastrophe' without permission, without tact, and quite probably without what Jan calls 'proper use of national dialects.' I have wreaked this horror for the following reasons:

1. Jan is a show-off.

2. Jan is such an insecure, self-deprecating show-off that nobody really notices that her writing's more grandiose than Hugo even though she's just 16 years old. (She is, by the way, I can prove it, too.)

3. Jan has a whole fleet of peoples who review her every chapter as if it were the newest installment from J.K. herself. I don't. I'm a jealous little bugger sometimes.

4. She looks like the Yank, and sounds like her, too. I hate it when writers put themselves in to fix nasty tringles.

5. I think that Malfoy is a total git and Donaghan was much better around Julie, anyway.

6. She wouldn't let me use the laptop last night. Hahahahahaha! Sweet vengeance!
7. She has a really obvious password and I freakin' COULD do this.

And now, in the words of my alter ego, here you go.

Chapter One: An Obvious Plot Device (Chapters 1-5.)

Prof. McGonagall: Hermione, why don't you call me 'Minerva' yet? You're going to be like, thirty-some soon and even though I still worry about you like you're my favorite student, you have to act like a professor now.

Hermione: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Guess what? Hagrid gave me and Severus puppies for Christmas! Three heads, one tail, like Fluffy was! Sevvie loves them.

Prof. McGonagall: You're bizarre, d'you know that? And so's old Sev.

Hermione: He's dishy and secretly very...uhh, nevermind –though! I heard we're getting a new fifth-year.

Prof. McGonagall: Yeah, she's a Muggle orphan, criminal, streetrat, Cockney, probably going to torch the place. Ah, well, look at all these silly Muggle crimes she's committed, stalking Justin Hayward...

Hermione: Isn't he like fifty now?

Prof. McGonagall: No, it's 16 years after Wormtail kidnapped you which we never talk about. He's probably already died by now. And you're a great one to talk about silver foxes... Ah-ha, foreshadowing!

Hermione: What?

Prof. McGonagall: Oh, nevermind. Go get the first-years and this new Starcatcher chick.

Hermione: Uhhh, okay.

(dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot, one of those little borders Jannie does.)

Hagrid: Yeh've got a ferret in your pocket!

Julie: Yes, and two white mice as well. If we got really hungry at the Terrible Orphanage, you can cook them. They're wonderful with stale porridge and gruel, y'know.

Hagrid: GAAH!

Julie: S'okay, mate, I'm joking. Here, have a huge oatmeal cookie, no reason why. (Scampers off.)

Hagrid: Gaw, I wonder why that kid looks so damn much like Severus.

(some more dot-dot-dots.)

Chloe: It's really very brave of you to come out like this.

Julie thinks: Come out? Was it the great purple raincoat that doesn't fit me or the too-tight jeans?

Chloe: Being quarter-giant, I mean. After all, you're like five-feet-seven and I'm a petite blond first-year who could maybe look over your shoulder standing on a box.

Julie: Quarter-giant? Me? Well, nice guess, I don't know what the hell I am. I'm a 5th-year though, just thought I'd show up ungodly late and stuff.

Chloe: Then it's YOU!

First-years: (tremble, cower.)

Julie: Why the hell does everybody keep doin' that?

Chloe: Oh, I'm just supposed to be really nice to you so you don't turn into Lord-You-Know-Who; who I'm never going to explain, by the way. Here, I'll tell you about what those four animals on the banner mean...

Julie: I like the green except snakes sort of freak me out...you might say I've got a kinky thing for them, don't you? Or maybe the lions.

Chloe thinks: Ack! It's the Dark Lady!

Hermione: Good evening first-years and one bizarrely taller person who must obviously be the infamous criminal fifth-year everybody but the part-veela's hiding from, I'm Professor Granger and I desperately want to sound austere but y'know I'm too darn nice. If you see Sevvie, don't be scared. He's always been like that. (To Julie:) Why don't I find you something beside that Refugee From T.J.Maxx Outfit?

Julie: Oh, thanks. (takes ten minutes learning how to put robes on.) Dead bizarre how these fit me exactly, isn't it? Damn it, my hair's still a nightmare from hell. (attempts to brush it)

Hermione: Thermos Follicus!

Julie's Hair: Frizz!

Hermione thinks: Gaw, I wonder why she looks like a taller, really cynical me at school.

Julie: By the way, could you not call me Starcatcher? I hate being called by a descriptive moniker given me by uncreative and ill-funded orphanage employees on the graveyard shift who couldn't even be bothered to make up a right name for me besides a mocking epithet derived from this little unexplained asterisky scar I've got.

Hermione thinks: Gaw, big words! I like this kid!

(dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot)

Sorting Hat: Jan McNeville had way too much cherry coke,
got all caffed-up and wrote this fic as a joke,
she can write poetry that rhymes,
but it's a waste of my time,
so let's just skip to the obvious plot device!
THIS ONE'S A DRAW!

Everyone thinks: Gaw, must be Voldemort.)

Julie thinks: Gaw, this hat tickles.)

Prof. McGonagall: Sevvie, Gingersnap, Scary Chick! My office, NOW!

(They follow because everybody likes Scottish accents here.)

Julie thinks: They're gonna kill me, aren't they?

Snape thinks: Oh, groovy! A new show-off know-it-all kid to pick on!

Hermione thinks: If Sevvie doesn't behave himself, I'll punish him. (evil kinky laugh.)

Prof. McGonagall: Alright, time to play Which House Do We Put Scary Chick In? Severus, you may go first.

Snape: Do you ever lie, Scary Chick?

Julie: Well, duh!

Hermione: Do you like to read?

Julie: Do you like to ask the obvious?

Snape: What's your favorite book, then?

Julie: Fight Club.

Prof. McGonagall: I'm sorry, but a Marla Singer lookalike with black, tortured hair and a really godawful nose and rabbit teeth is not the answer. You ARE the Weakest Link, goodbye!

Snape: You're right, we'd better put her in Gryffindor. Julie, come with me, I'll be bizarrely nice though still abrasive and try to catch you up to all the stuff you've missed while we go make some potions, 'kay?

Julie: Why are you being nice to me?

Snape: Because you remind me of myself and Slytherins are narcissistic gits sometimes. Spit-spot!

(They go.)

Julie thinks: Oh, that's why he's so snarky and scary-like, he fancied a student and she got kidnapped.

Julie: Did you get her back?

Snape: Yep. (big smile)

Julie: Cool.

(They get back)

Julie thinks: Gaw, it's Merlin!

Snape: Julie, this is my mentor and father-figure, Albus Dumbledore. Albus, this is the Scary Chick. She seems okay so far.

Dumbledore's Eyes: Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle

Dumbledore: Hello, Julie.

Julie: Uh, um, er- hello, sir.

(Hermione comes back.)

Dumbledore: Hey, Gingersnap! How're the mutant dogs?

Julie: Gingersnap? Dead bizarre nicknames we British have.

Snape: It's on account of her last name's Granger-Snape.

(Julie has a Moment of Revelation.)

Julie: Oh, I get it! Neat! Students can date their teachers here?

Granger-Snapes: NO!

Julie: Darn it. I think I might anyway.

Dumbledore: Julie, if you would stop giving the plot away, would you mind taking these two potions and going into a weird speaking coma for a few hours? We want to hear every secret you've ever had from the day you were born.

Snape: Maybe we'll find out where you got that nifty scar.

Julie: Revelation about my irrevealable past! Vet'ran cosmic! Break out the shotglasses!

Prof. McGonagall thinks: Gaw, who but Jan McNeville even says 'vet'ran cosmic' anymore?

Julie: (drinks potions.) Cripes, those were terrible, 'scept I'll never admit that to Professor Snape.

Hermione: Well, d'you think we should bond for a few while Sevvie goes out and talks mysteriously with Dumbledore?

Julie: Sure! That husband of yours is really a dish, y'know.

Hermione: Paws off, Griffie.

Julie: I just meant that if he had that long hair, I'm sure nobody blames you for fancying a teacher, y'know? And he's got such a Metatron-Sheriff of Nottingham vibe, how long did it take you to fancy him?

Hermione: D'know, I think maybe sixth or seventh-year. You've got to say things like 'fancy' and 'bugger' a lot, don't you?

Julie: How else will I be obviously British and thus distinguish myself when a yank shows up?

Hermione: Yankees in Hogwarts? I won't think about it now...because... tomorrow...is another day!

(Julie passes out and begins to sound like John Lennon and Bob Dylan in tandem.)

Dumbledore: Y'know, I don't think she's Voldemort after all.

Snape: Can we adopt her then? She looks like us and sounds really funny when she's doped-up on potions.

Stoned Julie: Ev'rybody mus' get stoned, yee-ha! All you need is love...

Dumbledore: Sure thing, just gotta test all three of your blood first...well, whadd'ya know? Severus, you bad monkey!

Snape: Who, me?

Dumbledore: Yes, you! You were shagging a student sixteen years ago, weren't you?

Snape: (looks terrifically guilty, then eyes widen.)

Hermione: Albus, you've dropped a bolt! How can I have a kid?

Dumbledore: Well, the potion's gone all red, hasn't it?

Snape: Maybe you should have gotten stoned on the Memory Potion as well.

Hermione: And get you fired for shagging a student, love? No way!

Dumbledore: Well, it's not like I'll do anything about it now. After all, you just put your own kid into Gryffindor. (dances happily at the poetic irony.)

Snape: (smacks forehead.) Arrrgh!

Hermione: Well, if y'all insist, she does kinda look like me.

Snape: And me!

Dobby: And me!

(Snape gives Dobby a LOOK.)

Dobby: Well, she is having awfully bad taste in clothes, you know. Bad Dobby! (tries to hit himself in the head again.)

Hermione: Knock it off, you product of subservient brainwashing! (Dobby flees, hearing big words.) You're right, Sev, she does really look like you. (sniffs Julie.)

Julie: Hey! Why the bugger are you sniffing me?

Donaghan: Yeah, tha's my line!

Julie: Who the hell are you?

Donaghan: Sorry, wrong scene. See you later, only-girl. (Departs in all his Scottish glory.)

Julie: Arrrgh! Potion hangover!

Hermione: Look, Dumbledore brought the Mirror of Erised.

Snape: Julie, look in there.

(Julie sees All Revealed about who she and her parents are and all of the hidden stuff.)

Julie: Wow, you wizards sure make groovy hallucinogens.

Snape: No, this mirror shows one's heart's desire.

Julie: Really? It's just me and my parents sitting together, though. Hey, that's you guys! I'd have never expected that!

(dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot)

Ron: Well, why this big party, 'Mione? Finally going to catch up to Ginny and that sex fiend now?

Harry: Hey! We're married!

Ron: (grumbles) She's still my baby sister, you lecherous git.

Ginny: (smacks him.) Ron, stop being such a peasant.

Baby Twin Potters: (cute sounds)

Neville: Neat! Babies!

Everyone runs to make sure he doesn't drop one.

Harry: Uh, Nev? Why have you got a jar duct-taped to yourself?

Neville: I d'know. Keeps me from dropping it.

Large Bang: (happens)

Snape: Damn it all, Starcatcher!

(Daddy Snape and Little Snape have a lovely fight.)

Hermione: Julie, what have I told you about having gratuitous fights with your father for the sheer fun of doing it?

Julie: Uh...the first rule is you do not talk about potions class?

Ron's Jaw: (hits ground)

Harry's Jaw: (hits ground)

Neville: (grins knowingly and scratches at the duct tape)

Malfoy: (stands attractively in corner looking like James Marsters.)

(All is explained eventually)

Draco: Hey, Sev, I brought that Firebolt XP-550.

Snape: Vet'ran cosmic! (realizes what he just said.) Damn it, where is that pestiliential contagious Moody freak? Julie!

Julie: Right here, Dad.

Snape: Oh, okay. Here, time to learn how to ride on a broom. (proceeds to talk with Malfoy about Quidditch as if Julie were a hitching post.)

Julie thinks: Hmm...wonder if that blond wears leather pants often?

(dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot)

A/N: Well, what do you think? Will Jan be pissed? I don't think she'll mind too much, considering she asked her reviewers to do this, and I am her 'favorite cousin' after all. I'm just curious to see how many of you can review before she pulls this out.

-Michelle "Mitchie" McNeville
P.S. Do you see why now?