Chapter 54: Owls
"And if you were to ask me about the meaning of my life, it
kind of lost it's meaning on the day you went away. You know that when it comes
to matters of the heart, I thought I had it covered, but it's tearing me apart.
And I hope and pray, every day, I hope and pray it's you…"
-Justin Hayward, 'Keys
of the Kingdom', 1988
Dear Jules,
Why didn't you tell us
you were leaving? Lucy's making everyone's life a living hell saying she knew
with her damn Arithmancy and Divination books and if you'd told us maybe she'd
give me a moment's peace. Oh, and the Divination professor's going on leave
until the start of next year. Lucy says it's psychic vibrations. Mack says
she's knocked up. So we have this new one, an insect-looking witch who swept in
like the wrath of God, dressed like a Muggle head shop exploded all over her.
Gauzy fabrics, rattling jewelry, specs that make Mitch's look normal-sized, and
this tragic expression like 'Oh, woe to you mortals who look upon my
sacredness.' Tom and Tim shot pumpkin juice out their noses just seeing her.
Her name's Trelawney and your dad threatened to smack her one if she so much as
hinted at your impending death. Your mum pointed out that she's chronically
wrong, though, so it would probably be best if she thinks you're all going to
die. What are you lot doing anyways?
Your mum's back to Potions class, by the way, keeps A.J. in a little pen beside her desk. Some Slytherins tried to give him raw mandrake root and Tim used the Gonizatius Curse on them. Professor Granger hugged him in front of everybody, burst into tears about how much she loved all of us and how she'd missed teaching and was all group-huggy until one of the Slytherins made a noise and she turned the three of them into ferrets. Hormonal much? Tell Jen her brother's more attractive as a furry animal, because really he is. Came out all shiny-black with a white spot down his chest. I asked if we could let them stay that way, but Professor McGonagall said no. I think she meant to yell at Professor Granger for doing that, but she was trying not to laugh too hard.
Things are going quite well here, except for your being gone and Donaghan's letting little Kenny play Seeker. I think he's seriously dropped one, but Professor Longbottom's so proud we didn't try to talk him out of it. He spends all of his time either out on the pitch tutoring Kenny, writing owls to Mitch, and sighing a lot. If he wasn't so damn cute when he's doing it, I'd seriously consider slipping him a cheerfulness potion. Has my boyfriend been influencing me in bad ways, d'you think?
Oh, well. Any longer and the owl will die from the size.
Everyone in Gryffindor says hello, and despite missing you and the others an
awful lot, everything's nice up here. How's the weather where you are, because
it's snowing here. Tell Mitch and Chloe not to argue too much, and if you need
a person to rant about Professor Pureblood to, I'm here. Professor Thomas isn't
nearly as fun in Charms class, but then, he's not blond and a total dish. And
there are so few that are. Sigh. Well, have fun doing whatever it is you're at.
-Hannah.
P.S. Did you know that Muggle actor in the film we saw is gay? Lucy positively wept for two hours, going on about 'such a waste.' That girl needs to get laid.
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Dear Julia, Michelle, Chloe, and Jennifer,
I
suppose it would be entirely frivolous, not to mention redundant, of me to
suggest that you take a night off and have fun for once, but it has come to my
attention that Gilderoy Lockhart is having a book signing in -what's that
little town the Yank comes from? Bother. Anyway, it might prove amusing to
attend and observe the pontificating little-
(Several words crossed out.)
-charlatan. I suggest to Michelle especially to inquire after the state of his own line of hair products, which I believe have been found useful only by the house-elf and goblin communities. I am of course, acting under the assumption that making incompetent people look their intellect is one of the forms of entertainment you find enjoyable. I would also suggest that while at the bookstore you acquire a reputable text on transmogrificatory potions and reversal spells, as the fifth-year class is woefully inadequate in those two areas. Studying for your final exams would, of course, be an idea so profoundly wise as to be listed in a book of the same.
Sincerely,
-Professor S. Snape.
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Dear Dad,
We enjoyed Mr. Lockhart's signing immensely, it was ever so kind of you to suggest attending it. However, given Mother's distaste for accounts of mortal humiliation of anybody but- oh, drat it. Mitch has already drawn a very lifelike picture of his changing expressions upon seeing us, answering (or attempting to answer) our questions, and finally attempting to run away through a horde of forty-some year-old ladies in housedresses. She does well in capturing abject terror, but I do think Jen's giving her colored pencils was one of the crueler acts of the century. I now have a quite splendid portrait of Uncle Ron being sick (the food here is creative, to say the least,) as well as a positively hideous picture of what happened when we let Chloe design the male Aurors' uniforms. I am considering a spandex phobia to avoid such travesties in the future. Drat the French sometimes.
There are a lot of very nice people here, including one dearly ancient man from the German Aurorscheidt who insists on calling Chloe 'Gretel.' It offends her most interestingly, and I believe she has taken a solemn vow to never again wear her hair in braids. Jen saw her first Muggle can opener when Mitch took us to Kaufmann's in Pittsburgh. (sort of like Harrods, except people spray gunk on you.) A salesgirl attempted that, by the way, it seems accosting customers with huge Mace-like bottles of perfume is a custom here. Jen was startled and got some right in her eye, (You should really do something about the language they learn in Slytherin,) and Mitch had to demonstrate the use of the Magic Word. It is 'lawyer' and it works better than Imperius on American Muggles. I suppose 'solicitor' would work back in London, but it doesn't really have the same ring to it.
We heard from Hannah about Professor Trelawney being back. I don't think I need to elaborate on the topic any more, do you?
We also heard about Mum turning Jem Blodgett and some Slytherins into ferrets. If there's time someday in class, Jen would like a picture of her brother in such a form. It's amazing how much she laughs out here. She must have been really depressed at Hogwarts, because it's like Jen's a completely different person away from the Slytherins. Last week she announced her interest in learning to play the bass, and she and Mitch make a lot of noise and upset the Germans terribly. They have all these speakers and amplifiers about, some as tall as me, and crazed guitarist that she is, Mitchie gets this look like a dementor spying a children's birthday party whenever she's around the things.
We were in the midst of a very stern and serious dress rehearsal when she and Jen decided we weren't looking and commenced to play 'Pinball Wizard' by the Who on those electric guitars they bought. Some of the Americans practically had apoplectic fits. Jen's is a bass, bright red with gold hardware and a great Griffie lion on the body just for the hell of it, she says. Mitch has what they call a Squier Werewolf. It's shiny silver colored, and "it has a heart of chrome and a voice like a horny angel." (Direct quote from the Yank, though I suspect she direct-quoted it from somewhere else.) She and Jen stayed up late last night playing, as Herr Vanderschmidt lets them use the amps then, and unless I'm wrong they're still asleep. We are staying in a very nice Muggle-run hotel with cable and a very peculiar brand of toothpaste nobody likes. Oh, and I am making Draco and Uncle Ron both brush their teeth, if Mum asks.
Do you know if Chloe had a black cat called Pierre before we left? She just spends an inordinate amount of time with that beast and we Have Our Suspicions. You may want to check whether Aldous is at school. (nudge nudge.)
We found the cutest stuffed toy for A.J. the other day. It's a purple kangaroo, very John Lennon. Mitchie announced that it was also high time we got him his first CD, so in the parcel is both the kangaroo and a copy of 'Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band' from Mitch, 'Bridge Over Troubled Water' from Chloe, and 'Days of Future Passed' from me. (There was a minor disagreement at the record store.) Jen was clever enough to suggest we get him something a bit more appropriate for his age, like perhaps Raffi, but Mitch gave her this look and we agreed it would be a cruel and inhuman act to subject an innocent baby to what you would be like after hearing that. We did, however, get one, and it was Chloe's clever idea that you play it loudly through all corners of the Slytherin dormitories until they go mad. I will leave the matter to your good judgment.
Draco and I had another fight, this time about where the lot of us should get dinner, and would you believe Mitchie had the nerve to step in and resolve matters? Sometimes I hate that girl, really I do. But she's very good at many clever things, like circumventing the parental control locks on the cable so we can watch 'Sex and The City' reruns on HBO. Chloe has been watching it since birth, so we didn't feel you would object too much. Then we saw it. Honestly, the Americans never cease to amaze me in their lack of propriety. We're going to the films tonight, since it looks to be another week before there's any real action, and I will probably wind up sending you a full report of whether or not it is completely silly.
It's ten, now, so I have to go wake Jen and Mitchie up. Give my love to Mum and A.J.. I miss the three of you so much it hurts. Right now I have no idea when we'll be back, though, so it's annoying. Maybe I shall go pick a fight with Draco until I feel better. Oh, well. I'll write to you again tonight.
Love,
-Julie
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