Chapter Fifty-Six: Amusements and Distractions

"Do you nervously await the blows of cruel fate? Do your checks bounce higher than a rubber ball? Are you nervous 'cause your girlfriend's just a little late? Are you looking for a way to chuck it all? We can end your daily strife, at a reasonable price. You've seen it advertised in Life, you'll feel just fine now…"
            -Paul Simon & Arthur Garfunkel, 1966.

"Tell me that isn't where we're going," Chloe begged. The theatre looked positively dingy, with faded posters one could barely read and cobwebs like fishnet stockings draped about.

"It's a way to keep it hidden from Muggles," Mitchie explained. "See? If it looks like an art house, only art freaks will come in, and they're all too pretentious to do anything about wizard films."

"Haven't you Yanks ever heard of simple Concealment Charms?"

"You try a Concealment Charm around Pittsburghers! The more inconspicuous a building looks, the more lost Muggles will mistake it for a hardware store. Have you any idea how many Obliviates we've had to do on people who need foreign car parts? Really!"

Just then, the old doorman let them into the lobby from the outside, and even superior Chloe's jaw hit the floor. There were mosaics and gilt figures and nineteen-tens light fixtures everywhere. Corsets and top hats would not have looked out-of-place.

"Wow," Julie breathed, half expecting a can-can dancer or two to come prancing out. Mitchie had developed a very becoming expression that could only be called smug.

"Told y'."

"How old is this place?"

"It was built in 1904. Muggles sold it to us in the seventies, after they had converted it to films from vaudeville and basically ran it into the ground. The full restoration took awhile, still isn't entirely done." Mitchie indicated a flat section of wall with a bit of the plaster off, revealing even more mosaic tiles underneath. "Why the Muggles spackled these over, I'll never know."

"So it looks this good and it's not even done?"

"I don't know when they'll ever have the funds to get it really done. The owners have insisted on all-Muggle restoration methods, since magic can damage structural integrity or something like that. I don't know the terms. If you want to see some of the really cool stuff, though, over here they still have some old Muggle play posters." Mitchie began absently pointing out various and sundry American vaudeville performers from a century before her time. One picture she seemed to show especial reverence. "That's Fannie Brice. She was one of the first great female comediennes with the Ziegfeld Follies, then she worked independently and eventually had a great career in radio."

"Don't get Miss Parkington started on her," Julie observed dryly. "Flaming Barbra Striesand nut, made me write a ten-page research paper. Is it true her second husband was rather short?"

"Which, Barbra Striesand or Fannie Brice?" Chloe asked, confused. "I've seen 'Funny Girl' at my uncle's house, you mean to tell me she was a real person?"

For some odd reason Mitchie and Julie couldn't answer her, as the idea of Chloe's uncle showing her 'Funny Girl' was making them crack up. Jen shrugged, having only just gotten up to the nineteen-tens in her research of Muggle history.

"What are we seeing?" the former Slytherin asked. Mitchie grinned.

"Spy film, forgotten the title, actually. Best get seats before the crowds start in."

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No sooner had the four girls secured themselves seats in the balcony, but an absolute influx of people came surging in as if the fate of the world would be revealed in the previews. The Yank was suddenly falling victim to what was either an asthma attack or a giggling fit, having to chew on her cuff to make the laughter subside.

"Dare I even ask what is so funny?"

"Nothing, Chloe."

"No, you're definitely amused by something," Jen observed. "Mitchie, you don't happen to know something about the movie that we don't?"

"Uh…n-no, not exactly…you do sort of know about as much as I do about the plot."

Just then the theater darkened and the screen lit up luridly. There was one preview for what sounded a lot like 'Jurassic Park' done with dragons, as well as an animated children's film about a boy and his talking hippogriff. Mitchie wasn't the only one gnawing her cuff to keep from laughing at that point.

And then, after the traditional message imploring the audience to use proper trash receptacles, buy popcorn, and the like, the movie started. It began very dramatically, with a lot of darkness and hissing whispers, as well as a Dark Mark flashing through the sky. Just before the main titles ran, the girls saw who the lead actor was meant to be –and what he looked like.

Several people in the front spun around to see why anyone would be laughing at this film.

"Did you see that? He looks like Tom freakin' Cruise!"

"Ne pas vomir!"

"Mitchie, did you really need to show us this?"

"Don't rag on me, Julie, you're his kid, y'know."

The storms of laughter subsided for a moment as the Tom Cruise-Professor Snape began tidying up his classroom.

"Merlin's arse, he's actually whistling!"

Another character entered at that moment, wearing what a Hogwarts uniform would have looked like had it run away and joined a Paris fashion show. The pleated skirt was almost six inches shorter, the robes had been tightened very strategically, and for some bizarre reason the Wonderbra had been added to the dress code.

(Actually, it looked rather like Chloe's.)

"What is this, a porn movie? Who dresses like that?"

"I wish they'd let us wear those uniforms."

As if the costume wasn't enough to reduce them into giggling puddles, the slow camera shot upward from the new character's feet past little pleated number and very un-studentlike cleavage to what Americans must consider an excuse for bushy hair, the character's first line and positively rapt expression convulsed the lot:

"You…wanted to se me after class, Professor?"

"Christ on a kaiser roll, that's my mum!"

Matters went steadily downhill from there. There was a positively nauseating scene with film Hermione talking to film Ginny about guys, an absolutely wretched portrayal of Professor McGonagall-

"Guess they gave everyone Wonderbras."

-and the single most pathetic example of womanhood since Eponine died in 'Les Miserables.' The film Snape was just about to go off and fight Voldemort, and the screen Hermione (whose uniform grew progressively tighter as matters grew more dire,) gave a little speech to the effect of 'don't die, because you would kill me as well.' There were people sniffling throughout the theater, and four girls almost choking themselves trying not to laugh.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the film Wormtail was able to kidnap film Hermione without so much as a decent fight, and film Draco was able to find her for the good side within half an hour screen time. The public snogging that had actually revealed the student-teacher relationship was perfectly typical of Hollywood, complete with violins popping out of the woodwork and everyone approving of the couple instantly. The girls, however, knew full well that Ron had passed out on the spot from the shock of it and Professor McGonagall nearly used an Unforgivable on Snape; so their reaction to the ending was just as skewed as their reaction to the film as a whole.

That reaction would be hysterical laughter.

As they were leaving the theater, still howling over the utter lack of realism and ridiculously melodramatic lines, a man who was clearly attempting to grow his hair like Professor Snape's stopped them.

"Have you young ladies any idea what you're laughing at?"

It was too hard to resist. Slowly all four turned around, revealing real Hogwarts uniforms, and in Julie's case, Snape's actual countenance.

"Yes," they replied, smiling.

Needless to say, the man did not feel any need whatsoever to berate them further.

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Dear Mum,
            Went to the films today. It was quite funny. Just out of curiosity, do you even own a leather catsuit?
            -Julie
P.S. Keep Dad away from wizarding cinema. Use a stick if you must.

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"Where have you been?" Malfoy asked them as their brooms landed.

"Pittsburgh, why?"

Ron appeared behind him, looking worried to the point of being irrational.

"We've gotten word that de Diablo's visiting the Dark Lady at nine tonight! You all have to get ready."

"I'll be transformed by then. Shall I wear the spiked collar?"

"Good. Chloe, get Julie into full makeup. Remember, evil. Julie, make your eyes red again. Jen…wait! What's Jen doing?"

"My faithful handmaiden," Julie remarked in an imperious tone that made Draco jump. Letting his mother give her lessons may not have been such a good idea. "Fetch me my goblet, wolfling, I've come about thirsty."

"Wolfling?" Michelle asked indignantly. Julie gave her a sly wink with her now red and glowing eyes as if to say 'just adlibbing.' "Right."

"Pray, would you hold still a moment, my Lady?" Chloe grovelled as she got Julie's robes. Chloe grovelling was such an unprecedented sight that Jen could not restrain a giggle, and the French girl's glance of unadulterated venom was well worth it.

It was two hours to the most dangerous curtain call of their lives.

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"Judy, I'm certain Ron's okay. They would have owled if there was any news."

"Something's wrong, though, Hermione, I can just feel it." Judy was in a bit of a state, having had yet another nightmare about her fiance. A large, insect-looking woman wandered into the room, looking melodramatically dire about something.

"I fear, dears, that this is indeed a sad day for both of you. Those you are worried about are to meet their ultimate destiny tonight."

Judy looked at Professor Trelawney for five seconds and then abruptly burst into tears. Hermione, however, looked just short of justifiable homicide.

"Isn't this wonderful! Now we know they'll live!" she remarked as gleefully as she could while she glowered at the offending Divination teacher.

"Such a tragically mundane mind you have, my dear. I fear denial is always the first stage of grief…"

"Fuck off, Sybil," a voice announced from behind the two younger professors. In absolute shock and wonder, Hermione and Judy turned around to see who had spoken. Trelawney fled in abject and perfectly feigned despair.
"I've wanted to say that for twenty years," Professor McGonagall announced.

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