Chapter Seventy-Three: Field Trip!

"Theo, old man! How've you been keeping? I heard about what happened in New Orleans."

"If I say 'line-of-duty' and look heroic, will you laugh at me?"

"Naw. I do that often enough myself."

"How's Gringotts been?"

"Pretty much the same. Pipescrew and Nailwhacker have a running bet on whether I'll start losing my hair soon."

"It would take them a while to see it, even if you did. Your mother still on about the ponytail?"

"As annoying as ever. Lately it's 'you're a grown man, Bill,' though, as her favorite excuse." Bill Weasley undid the stridently colored scarlet-and-gold ribbon confining his long and still perfectly shocking red hair. "I heard a nasty rumor you were engaged, Theo."

"Quite true. That's why I wanted to talk to you."

"What –you need a good diamond?"

"No." Theodoric wasn't quite sure how to phrase what he had to tell his friend. "Do you recall a Slytherin girl named Maria Catesby, by any chance?"

It was like mentioning Hepburn to Tracy. Bill's eyes went distant for a few moments and then he nodded. Theodoric was amazed.

"I knew her when she was a bit younger than you. She married not long after." The regret fairly dripped from the handsome Englishman's voice. Theodoric had to restrain himself from bursting into laughter at the idea of what Mitchie would think of this.

"So you liked her?"

"I loved her –Theodoric, what is this?" Bill suddenly shoved his hands in his pockets, looking a bit like his mother when she got her back to the wall. "Spanish Inquisition day in America?"

"Just a line of questioning designed to establish a basis for some rather shocking news."

"How very like your Aunt Cissy. Continue." Bill suddenly went ashen. "That bastard husband of hers hasn't been –is she alright?"

"Well, for a Slytherin marriage she's been mainly okay!" Theodoric shouted, determined to knock some sense into Bill and feigning anger to keep from cracking up utterly. "Apart from a paternity scandal regarding her fraternal twins and a very hormonal female werewolf hexing her soon-to-be-ex-husband into next week, she's perfectly fucking splendid, you Gryffindor!"

Bill was silent for a moment.

"Mitchie?"

"Yeah. If she can quit spreading feminism like a disease she'll be quite thoroughly adored."

"So Maria's leaving that –her husband?"

"And not a moment too soon. Your daughter's friends almost strung him up. Most uncivilized."

"You mean Julie Snape and her crowd –my daughter?" Bill staggered and nearly fell into the Hogwarts Lake. Theodoric finally lost his control and laughed.

"She got her mother's gracefulness, thank Merlin."

"I have a daughter?" Bill was sitting down on a rock, looking very puzzled. "Why didn't I notice?"

"Well, considering her legally accepted dad would have killed her on sight if he knew she was yours and her mother charmed her hair a different color to save her life for nearly two decades, I wouldn't have known either."

"Stop -too many words. Talk slower." The profoundly shocked man held his head as if he were hung over. "And she never told me?"

"Nope." Theodoric joined his friend on the rock. "I don't suppose I blame her, the situation being what it was, but Jen's furious. Her friends took her to the Quidditch pitch to keep her from homicide and she physically broke six Bludgers by herself."

"Six Bludgers? Hogwarts ones?"

"Nope. Brand-new from Quality Quidditch."

"Wow!"

"I somehow felt you'd be pleased," Theodoric remarked sarcastically. "Look, what are you going to do 'bout this?"

"She's my daughter –Jen, was it? I guess I'll..." Bill trailed off. "I have no idea."

"Well, I have one suggestion. Talk to Severus Snape. He's been through finding out you had a child quite some time ago quite recently."

"Won't he want to kill me for knocking one of his students up?"

"Bill Weasley," Theodoric stood up, "that is the stupidest thing you have said in quite awhile." His friend grinned and got up.

"I suppose he has to be sympathetic."

"So you're going to deal with this?"

"Yeah." Bill was smiling quite calmly.

"You aren't going to have a mid-life crisis right in Professor Snape's office?"

"Already did. Haven't you seen my broom?"

"And you'll try your best to be careful around Jen?"

"Naturally. What are you getting at?"

"May I marry your daughter?"

"Why not –so Jen's that one?" Theodoric had to grab Bill by the wrists to keep him from the lake this time. "My mother's going to be very pissed."

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"Julie, I hate my life."

"Yes. I know." The Seeker looked up from reading Donaghan and Mitchie's book. "Would you kindly get down, though? You're starting to scare me."

Jen, perching on one of the stones of the Astronomy Tower, sighed.

"I've already jumped off here once."

"Silly thing to do."

"I was in second year. Your dad levitated me right over to the lake and let me fall in there. Bastard squid didn't even let me drown."

"Good lord, Jen, you're depressing as hell, you know." Julie frowned at a picture that resembled herself rather unflatteringly. "It's like talking to bloody Ophelia."

"Well, that's perfectly easy for you to say." Jen climbed down from the stone, looking offended. "Your parents didn't know they had you. Mine lied about who I really was."

"Naw, your mother did. Your real dad had no idea."

"What if he's ashamed to have a daughter in Slytherin?"

"He sodding dated one, didn't he? And you're in Gryffindor now, in case you've totally forgotten."Julie looked up from the book at her friend and sighed. "The red roots with the black ends are hideous."

"So kind of you to say," Jen snapped.

"Let's go to France for a makeover. Always cheers Chloe up."

Jen looked at Julie in shock.

"You just casually say 'let's go to France,' as if it were in Hogsmeade? You haven't had a proper haircut since-"

"Since I got Drooble's Best Blowing Gum in my hair. I know." Julie closed the fat textbook and set it down. "Come on, Jen. I think it'd be loads of fun."

"Bisexual black-haired Slytherins don't go to France."

"Bisexual red-haired Gryffindors do whatever the fuck they want," Julie pointed out, then suddenly looked surprised. "Since when have you been bisexual?" Jen gave her a withering look. "Sorry. But I do understand that's a Weasley thing."

"Where the hell are you getting that?"

"Tom and Tim spent thirty minutes discussing Theodoric's looks in detail, Aunt Ginny's peculiar school anecdotes, Uncle Ron's strange tendency to-"

"Stop!" Jen was cringing almost at every word. "Does the phrase 'over-share' mean anything to you?"

"Admit it, it was funny."

"You made that up, didn't you?"

"All but Aunt Ginny's school anecdotes. Blunt as a spoon, she is." Julie looked pleadingly at Jen. "Come on, it'll be loads of fun." An idea suddenly occurred to her. "I tell you what, we'll bring Mitchie and Sweets and all our mates. Make it a 'day with the girls.'"

"You're mad."

"Well, alright." Julie changed tones and opened the book again. "I don't suppose Mitchie told you about the switch on her mother's Time-Turner, what?"

"Her mother's-?"

"Well, where did you think Flint got it? Filch took it away from Mitchie's mum because she was scaring the cat with it. Flint got it from the contraband drawer." Jen, fascinated, listened closely. "He never found the switch, because only Mitchie can work the thing. Has to do with her mother's fingerprint on the top –she did tell you it was a homemade one?"

"Yeah, Sweets calls it a zip Time-Turner."

"Well, Mitch just puts her thumb in the denty place, does something intricate I didn't understand, and then it can do a year or so at a shot. Maybe if we went to France we could really make a trip of it..."

"What do you mean?" Jen's eyes were wide. Julie grinned.

"The French are glad to die for love..."

"No!" Jen was amazed and finally smiling.

"You are aware Ewan McGregor wasn't really there?" Mitchie asked, coming up the stairs onto the Tower, dressed in something that looked as if she'd raided a period movie set. "I did meet a great lot of hookers, though. They have so much earthy wisdom." She set down a glass of something bubbly that looked rather like champagne. "I did so like all the men wearing tuxedoes, too."

"You mad Yank, you went without us?" Julie accused.

"Got you. I found this dress when I went shopping with Chloe."

"Who are you and what have you done with Mitchie?" Jen asked, pointing her wand at her friend.

"I only went because she told me he and Theodoric were picking out kilts as well. A girl's got to be prepared."

"Kilts?" A strange look had gone into Julie's eyes.

"Yeah, your Malfoy's got one, too."

"Kilts!" Julie leapt up from her seat and clapped her hands. "Oh, Jen we must! Think of it, men in kilts! How very sexy!" The other girls could only stare. "I sounded like a bimbo, there, didn't I?"

"Totally." Mitchie agreed.

"All right, to France," Jen conceded. "But you guys get your hair cut too."

"Not short," Julie and Mitchie admonished in unison.

"I'll get Chloe. She speaks the language there."

"Think Hannah and Lucy might like to come?"

"Sweets will go, whether we invite her or not."

"We better eat there," Jen remarked, still looking somewhat woebegone. "I wonder what the French like to do for fun."

"Jenny?" Theodoric asked, landing his broom on the Tower. "Can I have a word?"

"Sure...I'll go with you guys next time, alright?"

"Naw...Julie, why don't you just take care of your errand first?" Mitchie placed the chain around her friend's neck. "I'm going along to see my mum."

"I'll meet you by the gates, Jen...can you get your mum?"

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The Great Hall was alive with whispers about the weird disappearance of the teachers' daughter shortly after Matt Flint had to be sent to St. Mungo's with horrific injuries. Nearly everyone assumed Julie and Mitchie had been responsible, and the Slytherin females were in a state of revolt. Someone had mischievously left wizarding records of several very feministic songs in the Serpents' Nest, and 'You Don't Own Me,' 'Respect,' 'I Will Survive,' and 'Bitch' by Meredith Brooks echoed through the dungeons until no abusive boy dared show his face. The petty intrigues between girls had been set aside in favor of a full-scale revenge crusade, and former rivals and enemies happily began passing around butterbeers and lending each other their favorite Melissa Etheridge CDs, which appeared out of the woodwork like religious artifacts after the fall of Communism.

It was really rather strange. Even weirder was the sudden rumor that Jeremy Blodgett's mother was divorcing his father, an event that hadn't happened in Slytherin since the mid-sixties. Several people thought they had seen Jen with badly-done red highlights, and one unfortunately ditzy guest of the Gryffindors had leaked the truth. Tom and Tim Weasley fielded questions about whether or not their friend had turned out to be their cousin, until finally Tim told everyone that he personally didn't give a shit and they liked her either way. The crowd was distracted at that moment by a Slytherin girl's act of rebellion –kissing another one. The females of all houses erupted in 'You go girl!'s and other sentiments, the Slytherin boys all looked cuckolded if not downright surprised, and the other boys all burst into applause. There were cries of 'Encore' and somebody got smacked.

"Dear?" Severus asked Hermione. "What happened?"

"It looks like a feminist rebellion."

"Ah, yes. I remember those. More tea?"

"Thank you. Care for another donut?"

"Have we got the kind with sprinkles?"

"Here." She placed a sprinkled donut neatly on his plate. "I personally like the glazed ones." A.J. spit out a bit of donut hole and she wiped his chin. "Messy baby."

"I really think you're being too calm about all of this."

"About what? Babies spit things out all the time."

"No, the sudden popularity of burning bras in the Slytherin common room. Why are they doing this?"

"I would imagine because the boys have been little shitheads and you've been letting them." Hermione gave her husband a too-sweet smile.

"You aren't mad at me?" The sprinkled donut abruptly exploded, creme filling covering Severus.

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

"Alright, I'll let Filch punish the lot of them."

"Without any cleaning products?" Hermione's eyes lit up.

"Their own toothbrushes," Severus promised. Hermione leaned over and licked some creme filling off his cheek.

"I'm not mad at you anymore."

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Theodoric closed the paperback novel he had been reading while his future wife and mother-in-law flew to follow him, after he finished a small errand. It was Baroness Orczy's 'The Scarlet Pimpernel,' and he had been having a rather hard laugh over the mental image of Snape as Chauvelin. Jen landed the broom expertly, clearly having fought with her mother through the entire trip.

"Why don't you swallow your pride and write to him, Mother? He deserves to know!"

"Who does?" Bill Weasley asked. "Maria, you look wonderful. This must be Jennifer." The still handsomely longhaired man, distinguished with graying temples and roguish with a Weird Sisters t-shirt that might have been Mitchie's. Jen looked at him in abject awe. If she hadn't known what she did, she'd find him attractive, and it was evident her mother still did.

"Bill, I..."

"Are you alright, dear?" Bill took both of Jen's mother's hands in his. "You must be freezing...how is Milton?"

"A bastard, as usual," Jen interjected, before hastily clapping a hand over her own mouth. She had gotten so used to responding that way in America...damn Julie Snape and her bad influence!

"Well, er..." Bill quickly recovered his senses gracefully. "Let me guess, grounded you from Quidditch?"

"No."

"He's what you British call an 'arsehole,' Bill," Theodoric remarked.

"From you, that sounds like what you Americans call 'fightin' words.'" Bill rolled up the sleeves of the denim robes he was wearing over his t-shirt. "Maria, I'm sorry, but I have to castrate your husband now."

Bill's almost boyish grin didn't hide what Jen recognized as cold hatred and a brave longing for justice. It showed in his eyes, green ones, the same color as her own.

"There's been enough castrating this week, Billy. You'd find it a messy job."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Maria, I haven't introduced you to Theodoric. He's a fellow Auror from-"

"They've met. I'm sorry, Mr. Weasley, but you and my mother have something to talk about." Jen made to walk off, taking Theodoric with her, but her fiancee stopped her from going any further.

"Jen, I don't think you should go."

"Theo, what are you-?"

"Pardon me, darling." Theodoric pulled off Jen's hat, revealing the brilliant red of her hair.

"Theodoric!"

"Billy, get a really good look at Jenny's hair." There was a tense silence as Bill obeyed his friend.

"Maria!" Bill spoke nervously, not sure what to make of this. "So she's-?"

"Yours, yes." Maria Catesby Blodgett looked even more frightened than when Bill had first met her some seventeen-odd years ago. "I wanted to tell you, but-"

"Well, I know now...Theo told me." Bill looked at Jen in total astonishment, and slowly reached up to touch the telltale Weasley hair. "You're Hermione's kids' friend, right? They switched you to Gryffindor?"

"Yes, sir." Jen answered respectfully from force of habit.

"I'm...well, Jennifer, I guess I'm your father."

"And...I guess I'm your kid."

Bill offered an awkward handshake, which quickly turned into a less awkward hug.

"Explains why Muggles fascinate you, eh, Jenny?" Theodoric asked, looking rather pleased with himself. "By the way, Billy, I have one last question."

"Eh, Theo?"

"I know I asked earlier...may I marry your daughter, Bill?"

There was a more than shocked silence.

"Er...can I get to know her first, Theo?" Bill put an arm around Jen to walk up to the school, then suddenly, he put his other one around Maria. Silently, he leaned his forehead against hers, and then the two adults kissed gently.

"You could have told me...I wouldn't have been angry."

"Are you?" Jen and Theodoric tastefully withdrew.

"No." Bill hugged Maria close. "Are you still happy?"

"I haven't been since..."

"Then you will be soon," the redhaired Gryffindor promised, walking Maria up to the castle, taking shorter strides to match hers. "By the way, does Jen like Muggle films at all?"

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A/N: Next chapter will include the Gryffindor Support Group for People Whose Parents Didn't Know They Existed Until Recently, the first tricks with Mitchie's new Time-Turner, and Sev, Bill, Ron, Donaghan and Draco all getting drunk. No amnesia, I promise.
-Jan McN.