Chapter 2
And then I feel a hand on my shoulder, reassuring me, comforting me in my time of need. I look over my shoulder, expecting to see Will or Jack or even some kind-hearted nurse.
A look of absolute shock covers my face as I see Sydney standing up behind me. I can't tell whether she is doing this because she recognizes me or because she is too kind to let me keep on crying because of her.
Then I see the tears crawl out of the corners of her eyes and fall down the curve of her cheeks. "Oh Vaughn," She whispers, tears coming downwards to the point of her chin. "What's happening to me? I forgot you. I forgot you and I felt so alone. How could I forget you?" She was sobbing in earnest now and I protectively wrap my arms around her thin frame.
"I don't blame you Sydney," I murmur softly into her ear. "You are- you're sick." I can't bring myself to say the words. How do I tell the love of my life that she is dying?
I am certain she knows it too but I hang on to the childish hope that if I don't say it out loud, maybe it won't be true. Sydney shakes her head, still buried in my chest.
"No, no Vaughn. I can't believe I did that. You were so hurt. I heard you and I have never heard anything like that in my life." She looked at me softly and opened her mouth to speak again but her words stuck in her throat and she started to shake ever so slightly.
"Oh, Syd. How did you get out of bed? Here," I guide her over to the doorway but she is having trouble so I pick her up and take her all the way inside.
She is so light. As light as a feather in my arms. I remember a time where she was solid muscle; though she still had the same shape, carrying her would have been like carrying a baby cow. I sobered at the thought that I might never hold her in my arms again.
Sydney looked at me, eyes opening wide. She opened her mouth but I shushed her. "Sydney, please. Save your strength. You don't have to entertain me. I'm happy just being with you." I smile at her, hoping that it is in a reassuring way, and sit on the bed with her.
For the first time since the year started, she shows her old defiance and shakes her head. She bends down so that her eyes are level with mine. Her sudden display of her old self sends shivers down my spine. I know that I said that I was in love with the new Sydney too but whenever she does this. . . whenever she shows me flashes of what she used to be. . . it affects me in a way that I never expect. I feel like she's already gone. But in that instant, she is before me again. She is ready to take charge and has found the stubbornness to say what she means to say.
And I know better than to stand in her way. So I watch her. And the tears flow from her eyes once again.
This time, I know it's something she has to go through alone, something that I can't help her with. And just waiting for her to start, watching how helpless she is breaks my heart.
But then she looks up with the eyes of a tiger. Slowly but deliberately she begins to speak. And I am mesmerized by the sound of her voice for the next twenty minutes of my life.
"Michael. I have found my voice and I don't know how long I have it so. . . I have something to say and I have to say it now before another day goes by. I know I'm dying- No, don't interrupt me. We both know its true. We both know it is. I know that you still want to keep holding on to your hope because of the wonderful person you are but I have to face the music. And I know that if I keep holding on to false wishes, I'll never get the strength to tell you what I have to say.
"We both know that this isn't some kooky disease created by some mad scientist that we can get the antidote for by pushing in a couple buttons. This is cancer. And I have it. But I feel safe knowing that I also have you. Even when you think I don't know, I do. I know that you come everyday, that you talk to me and hold my hand and. . . -" Her voice broke as she wiped away a stray tear. "I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate it. And you. I admire you so much. I know that I can act like I'm better than everyone else sometimes but you always show me the kindness that I have always lacked in my life. I-I'm trying to say this beautifully Michael because I don't know if I will ever be able to say it again. I want you to remember what I'm telling you and I don't want this memory to be of my crying and not knowing what to say.
"Because I do. I know exactly what to say. It's all in here." She touched her chest where her heart was. "I marvel at your endurance, your strength, your intelligence. I know that you want to interrupt me but don't. You want to compliment me back but it's my turn right now. Okay?
"I look into your eyes and I see everything I have ever aspired to be." She paused.
"And everything I've ever wanted to find. I know that you are -were- my handler and there were certain rules that we could never breach. But I want you to know that not a day has gone by in the last three years that I haven't wanted to. You were the light at the end of my tunnel and I hate myself for not finding you sooner. I was doing - we were both doing- what was expected of us and we both ignored the attraction we had for each other and we were good people and good agents who followed the rules. And I'm pretty sure that if I went back and had a chance to do it again, I would do the same thing. I guess it's only when you are this close to losing everything. . . I guess that's when you start to regret things-"
I watched horrified as I saw my beloved Sydney break down in front of my eyes.
"Oh Michael! I don't want to be alone. I'm so scared of being alone. I don't know what's going to be on the other side, I don't' know what to expect. All my life everything has been a certain way and even if I wasn't prepared, someone else always was and I had my family. . . and my friends. . . and I had you. I don't have anyone now Vaughn. I'm going somewhere I have never been before and I won't know anyone or anything. No one will be waiting for me or take my hand." Tears streamed from her eyes and I saw the terror radiating from them.
"I just want to live. I know I'm whining but why did this happen to me? I was. . . smart. And I was healthy. . . and good at my job. I had friends and . . . I think I had love. And then it all changed. I just don't understand how this could've happened. How could I lose everything in a half an hour? All I want- " Sydney took a breath.
"All I want is to grow old with you. Is that too much to ask?"
My heart broke. Why couldn't this have happened earlier? I think about the time that we wasted, the feelings that we repressed and then I look at her now. . . I look at us now and I am sick to my stomach at what we see. I hold her in my embrace for a long time, wanting to remember forever how she feels in my arms. "No. No, it's not too much to ask. That's the only thing I've wanted for a while now. Oh Syd, there was so much we could've done. I know that what we did was technically right but it seems so unfair that we did what we did and then got these results."
I am crying again, holding her against me. She looks up. She still has her hair. It's dull now and weak but it's hers and she treasures it. And I treasure her. Its mussed and her eyes are bleary. "Oh Vaughn. I know I should've told you this sooner. But I suppose it's better late than never. . . isn't it?"
I nod but inside I'm still not entirely sure. Will I be able to handle what I was about to hear?
"I used to have dreams sometimes. That we were married. And we had kids and a small and cozy house. That we had a dog and maybe a cat and a big beautiful garden. I dreamed that you called me 'babe' and I called you 'honey' and we loved each other so much that nothing bad would happen. And sometimes I would see us when we were ninety, rocking in rhythm in our rocking chairs as we watched our grandchildren playing. I just feel like I'm being robbed of a future with you. And then I forgot you. You were sitting there, just being there for me and I opened my eyes and I had no idea who you were.
"And there was so much hurt. And so much pain that I didn't even know how to react. I knew that I was the cause of it. I knew that you loved me and I felt like I should love you back. And I think that deep in my heart somewhere, I did know. I think I knew from the moment I woke up and saw my hand in yours. You make me feel so safe. And then you knew. You knew that I didn't know but you still let me think that I was safe.
"But when you showed me that picture, that's when I was sure I loved you. And I hated myself for not remembering. When you told me we weren't married, I wasn't sure how to react. I was happy because I didn't feel as guilty but I was also disappointed. I wanted to marry you, Michael. I wanted to live my life as Mrs. Vaughn. I guess all dreams have to be shattered at some point."
And then I feel a hand on my shoulder, reassuring me, comforting me in my time of need. I look over my shoulder, expecting to see Will or Jack or even some kind-hearted nurse.
A look of absolute shock covers my face as I see Sydney standing up behind me. I can't tell whether she is doing this because she recognizes me or because she is too kind to let me keep on crying because of her.
Then I see the tears crawl out of the corners of her eyes and fall down the curve of her cheeks. "Oh Vaughn," She whispers, tears coming downwards to the point of her chin. "What's happening to me? I forgot you. I forgot you and I felt so alone. How could I forget you?" She was sobbing in earnest now and I protectively wrap my arms around her thin frame.
"I don't blame you Sydney," I murmur softly into her ear. "You are- you're sick." I can't bring myself to say the words. How do I tell the love of my life that she is dying?
I am certain she knows it too but I hang on to the childish hope that if I don't say it out loud, maybe it won't be true. Sydney shakes her head, still buried in my chest.
"No, no Vaughn. I can't believe I did that. You were so hurt. I heard you and I have never heard anything like that in my life." She looked at me softly and opened her mouth to speak again but her words stuck in her throat and she started to shake ever so slightly.
"Oh, Syd. How did you get out of bed? Here," I guide her over to the doorway but she is having trouble so I pick her up and take her all the way inside.
She is so light. As light as a feather in my arms. I remember a time where she was solid muscle; though she still had the same shape, carrying her would have been like carrying a baby cow. I sobered at the thought that I might never hold her in my arms again.
Sydney looked at me, eyes opening wide. She opened her mouth but I shushed her. "Sydney, please. Save your strength. You don't have to entertain me. I'm happy just being with you." I smile at her, hoping that it is in a reassuring way, and sit on the bed with her.
For the first time since the year started, she shows her old defiance and shakes her head. She bends down so that her eyes are level with mine. Her sudden display of her old self sends shivers down my spine. I know that I said that I was in love with the new Sydney too but whenever she does this. . . whenever she shows me flashes of what she used to be. . . it affects me in a way that I never expect. I feel like she's already gone. But in that instant, she is before me again. She is ready to take charge and has found the stubbornness to say what she means to say.
And I know better than to stand in her way. So I watch her. And the tears flow from her eyes once again.
This time, I know it's something she has to go through alone, something that I can't help her with. And just waiting for her to start, watching how helpless she is breaks my heart.
But then she looks up with the eyes of a tiger. Slowly but deliberately she begins to speak. And I am mesmerized by the sound of her voice for the next twenty minutes of my life.
"Michael. I have found my voice and I don't know how long I have it so. . . I have something to say and I have to say it now before another day goes by. I know I'm dying- No, don't interrupt me. We both know its true. We both know it is. I know that you still want to keep holding on to your hope because of the wonderful person you are but I have to face the music. And I know that if I keep holding on to false wishes, I'll never get the strength to tell you what I have to say.
"We both know that this isn't some kooky disease created by some mad scientist that we can get the antidote for by pushing in a couple buttons. This is cancer. And I have it. But I feel safe knowing that I also have you. Even when you think I don't know, I do. I know that you come everyday, that you talk to me and hold my hand and. . . -" Her voice broke as she wiped away a stray tear. "I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate it. And you. I admire you so much. I know that I can act like I'm better than everyone else sometimes but you always show me the kindness that I have always lacked in my life. I-I'm trying to say this beautifully Michael because I don't know if I will ever be able to say it again. I want you to remember what I'm telling you and I don't want this memory to be of my crying and not knowing what to say.
"Because I do. I know exactly what to say. It's all in here." She touched her chest where her heart was. "I marvel at your endurance, your strength, your intelligence. I know that you want to interrupt me but don't. You want to compliment me back but it's my turn right now. Okay?
"I look into your eyes and I see everything I have ever aspired to be." She paused.
"And everything I've ever wanted to find. I know that you are -were- my handler and there were certain rules that we could never breach. But I want you to know that not a day has gone by in the last three years that I haven't wanted to. You were the light at the end of my tunnel and I hate myself for not finding you sooner. I was doing - we were both doing- what was expected of us and we both ignored the attraction we had for each other and we were good people and good agents who followed the rules. And I'm pretty sure that if I went back and had a chance to do it again, I would do the same thing. I guess it's only when you are this close to losing everything. . . I guess that's when you start to regret things-"
I watched horrified as I saw my beloved Sydney break down in front of my eyes.
"Oh Michael! I don't want to be alone. I'm so scared of being alone. I don't know what's going to be on the other side, I don't' know what to expect. All my life everything has been a certain way and even if I wasn't prepared, someone else always was and I had my family. . . and my friends. . . and I had you. I don't have anyone now Vaughn. I'm going somewhere I have never been before and I won't know anyone or anything. No one will be waiting for me or take my hand." Tears streamed from her eyes and I saw the terror radiating from them.
"I just want to live. I know I'm whining but why did this happen to me? I was. . . smart. And I was healthy. . . and good at my job. I had friends and . . . I think I had love. And then it all changed. I just don't understand how this could've happened. How could I lose everything in a half an hour? All I want- " Sydney took a breath.
"All I want is to grow old with you. Is that too much to ask?"
My heart broke. Why couldn't this have happened earlier? I think about the time that we wasted, the feelings that we repressed and then I look at her now. . . I look at us now and I am sick to my stomach at what we see. I hold her in my embrace for a long time, wanting to remember forever how she feels in my arms. "No. No, it's not too much to ask. That's the only thing I've wanted for a while now. Oh Syd, there was so much we could've done. I know that what we did was technically right but it seems so unfair that we did what we did and then got these results."
I am crying again, holding her against me. She looks up. She still has her hair. It's dull now and weak but it's hers and she treasures it. And I treasure her. Its mussed and her eyes are bleary. "Oh Vaughn. I know I should've told you this sooner. But I suppose it's better late than never. . . isn't it?"
I nod but inside I'm still not entirely sure. Will I be able to handle what I was about to hear?
"I used to have dreams sometimes. That we were married. And we had kids and a small and cozy house. That we had a dog and maybe a cat and a big beautiful garden. I dreamed that you called me 'babe' and I called you 'honey' and we loved each other so much that nothing bad would happen. And sometimes I would see us when we were ninety, rocking in rhythm in our rocking chairs as we watched our grandchildren playing. I just feel like I'm being robbed of a future with you. And then I forgot you. You were sitting there, just being there for me and I opened my eyes and I had no idea who you were.
"And there was so much hurt. And so much pain that I didn't even know how to react. I knew that I was the cause of it. I knew that you loved me and I felt like I should love you back. And I think that deep in my heart somewhere, I did know. I think I knew from the moment I woke up and saw my hand in yours. You make me feel so safe. And then you knew. You knew that I didn't know but you still let me think that I was safe.
"But when you showed me that picture, that's when I was sure I loved you. And I hated myself for not remembering. When you told me we weren't married, I wasn't sure how to react. I was happy because I didn't feel as guilty but I was also disappointed. I wanted to marry you, Michael. I wanted to live my life as Mrs. Vaughn. I guess all dreams have to be shattered at some point."