9.
I wake up to the sound of her voice. I can't believe I actually fell asleep. In her arms.
"I'm not getting any better am I?"
I'm instantly awake but I keep my eyes closed, sensing that she doesn't want me to hear this.
"You condition is stable, Ms. Bristow."
"Don't give me that crap. I may not be a doctor or some medical genius but I know enough to know that the fact that these dark spots are getting bigger is not a good thing." Her voice carried a passion that I had almost forgotten.
The nurse swallowed and made little noises in her throat.
"But if that is how you are progressing with the treatment. . . who knows how you will be if you leave?" The nurse's tone of voice took on a decisive wheedling quality.
"I would rather die happy than die older."
I ease my eyes open. I don't like this conversation. She is looking over me, the bottom of her hair just inches away from brushing my cheek. Her cheeks are flushed and for a minute I let myself squint and see her as she was two years ago. Radiant, full of life and passion, and willing to do anything to get her way. You could never say no to her when she was like that.
Her hand rested on my shoulder. "Sydney, what are you doing?" I murmur. She looks down at me, surprise lighting in her eyes.
"How long have you been awake?"
"Only a minute or two. Sydney what are you doing?"
She looks at me and bites her lip. "I-" She turns to the nurse. "Can I have a minute alone with him please?"
The nurse leaves and I see that she is unsure whether to tell me to get off the bed or hold her peace. She decides on the latter and leaves, carrying the clipboard with her.
Sydney redirects her attention towards me. "Vaughn. . . I'm not getting any better."
"But the nurse is right. You might get worse if you stop the treatment. I can't take that chance. Why? What do you want to do?"
"I told you. I'd rather die happy than die older. If I'm not going to get better, then why the hell should I stay here? You told me that the sky was the bluest that you have ever seen. That the air outside was warm and fresh. That you wanted to walk with me in the park. So? Let's do it."
I raise my eyebrows, confused. "Do it?"
"Yes. I want to leave. I want to live with you. I can get a special nurse to stay with me. Or something. Just think about it. You won't have to come everyday to the hospital to see me. You could take me places, we could do almost everything we said that we wanted." She looked at me, filled with such an enthusiasm that I couldn't bring myself to let her down.
"Let's think about this a little."
She was filled with urgency and brought her hands to the sides of my face. "Vaughn. You don't understand. I feel more alive than I have been the past year. I WANT to do this. I need to. I'm engaged to you. I want to feel like I am. People do it all the time. If I get worse, we can hire people to stay with me." She looked into my eyes, trying to elicit a response.
I let my fingers run through her hair. "Syd. . . I don't know."
"What's not to know? Nothing will change. Except that we'll be together. I'll be living with you. Look at me. Do you even remember seeing me this energized? I feel like I'm not even sick. Just at the thought of this. Please let me. Please."
She's right. She makes perfect sense. And I really don't remember her looking this healthy. "All right. I'll arrange it. But you can change your mind any time you want and if you get worse. . . then you're coming back here. Okay?"
She nodded. "You're wonderful." She leaned back on me and handed me the remote. I turned on the TV and just thought about how normal this seemed. To be lying in bed with Sydney, my arm around her as she lay next to me watching television. . . this is what life would be like. And I could definitely live with that.
~::~
I took Sydney's hand in mine and smiled softly as I felt her curls her fingers around mine and give me little squeeze. I walked slowly, taking in our surroundings. She looked at me and smiled before looking up at the sky and smelling the air. "It smells like cinnamon."
I look at her and sniff the air too. "Kinda. . . if you think cinnamon smells like apples."
"Apples don't smell like anything."
"Of course they do. They smell like this."
"No, this smells like cinnamon."
"Maybe cinnamon apple."
"Maybe."
She grins and hugs my arm, pressing herself close to me. "I love you. . . let's have a picnic."
"Now?"
"Yeah."
"Are you sure you don't want to come home first? You don't want to rest? We can picnic later."
She turns and looks at me. "Are you so sure?"
No. No I'm not. I'm just hoping. "All right, we'll picnic."
"So why are we walking to the park? The grocery store is that way." She pulls me in the opposite direction and I laugh.
We're walking together in public. People can see us. But it doesn't really matter anymore. Sydney was released from SD-6 when she was diagnosed and they had stopped checking on her shortly after then. She was already dead to them.
We walk into the store and the air-conditioning causes Sydney to shiver a little. I wrap my jacket around her and place an arm around her waist. "I like feeling so protected," she whispers.
"I like protecting you." And I do. There was a time when it was the other way around. But this feels right too. Interdependence. I grab a shopping basket and follow her lead.
~::~
"This is so beautiful, Vaughn." She sighs, taking it all in. We are sitting on a blanket in the shade of the elm towering over us. And it's a wonderful feeling.
"Almost as beautiful as you." I kiss her cheek.
She touches my forehead with hers and tangles her fingers in mine. "We're getting married. We really are getting married."
I nod, smiling. She breaks away suddenly, laughing. "I am so happy. I can't believe I never noticed it before."
"Noticed what?"
"How much you love me. And how much I love you back." She stands up and spreads her arms out. "The breeze feels wonderful. Come here, stand next to me."
Her voice sounds strong. Maybe all she needed was to get out of the hospital. Could she have remained like this if she had stayed at her house? I stand up. Her eyes are closed and there is a huge smile on her face. The wind blows my hair back too and I have to close my eyes too to fully feel every sensation going through my body.
The breeze passes and I feel Sydney throw her arms around me. "I am so unbelievably happy." She kisses me then and I feel like I'm being crippled by the emotions that suddenly surge through my system. We are really kissing this time. She laughs. "I'm so happy."
This was a great idea. This was an absolutely fantastic idea. My fantasies were becoming reality and Sydney was only getting stronger.
She plops down on the blanket again and pulls me down with her. We are lying down on the blanket side by side, looking at the clouds. She points up into the sky. "That one looks like you," she says proudly.
I look up. It's a big, fluffy cloud. "What? Are you trying to tell me something?"
"It looks like you."
"That is not me." And I get an urge to tickle her. It's not one that I can resist and I roll over and do so.
Her laughter fills the air and for those few moments, the world and everything in it is perfect.
"Take it back!" I feel fifteen again. Who does this when they are in their thirties? Well, me of course. I don't know how I ever gave this up.
I'm propped up on my elbows, looking at her smiling goofily. "I'm glad that we did this."
"Me too. I'll have one less regret."
I look at her, flushed with happiness, eyes bright with laughter. "I don't have any."
TBC~
I wake up to the sound of her voice. I can't believe I actually fell asleep. In her arms.
"I'm not getting any better am I?"
I'm instantly awake but I keep my eyes closed, sensing that she doesn't want me to hear this.
"You condition is stable, Ms. Bristow."
"Don't give me that crap. I may not be a doctor or some medical genius but I know enough to know that the fact that these dark spots are getting bigger is not a good thing." Her voice carried a passion that I had almost forgotten.
The nurse swallowed and made little noises in her throat.
"But if that is how you are progressing with the treatment. . . who knows how you will be if you leave?" The nurse's tone of voice took on a decisive wheedling quality.
"I would rather die happy than die older."
I ease my eyes open. I don't like this conversation. She is looking over me, the bottom of her hair just inches away from brushing my cheek. Her cheeks are flushed and for a minute I let myself squint and see her as she was two years ago. Radiant, full of life and passion, and willing to do anything to get her way. You could never say no to her when she was like that.
Her hand rested on my shoulder. "Sydney, what are you doing?" I murmur. She looks down at me, surprise lighting in her eyes.
"How long have you been awake?"
"Only a minute or two. Sydney what are you doing?"
She looks at me and bites her lip. "I-" She turns to the nurse. "Can I have a minute alone with him please?"
The nurse leaves and I see that she is unsure whether to tell me to get off the bed or hold her peace. She decides on the latter and leaves, carrying the clipboard with her.
Sydney redirects her attention towards me. "Vaughn. . . I'm not getting any better."
"But the nurse is right. You might get worse if you stop the treatment. I can't take that chance. Why? What do you want to do?"
"I told you. I'd rather die happy than die older. If I'm not going to get better, then why the hell should I stay here? You told me that the sky was the bluest that you have ever seen. That the air outside was warm and fresh. That you wanted to walk with me in the park. So? Let's do it."
I raise my eyebrows, confused. "Do it?"
"Yes. I want to leave. I want to live with you. I can get a special nurse to stay with me. Or something. Just think about it. You won't have to come everyday to the hospital to see me. You could take me places, we could do almost everything we said that we wanted." She looked at me, filled with such an enthusiasm that I couldn't bring myself to let her down.
"Let's think about this a little."
She was filled with urgency and brought her hands to the sides of my face. "Vaughn. You don't understand. I feel more alive than I have been the past year. I WANT to do this. I need to. I'm engaged to you. I want to feel like I am. People do it all the time. If I get worse, we can hire people to stay with me." She looked into my eyes, trying to elicit a response.
I let my fingers run through her hair. "Syd. . . I don't know."
"What's not to know? Nothing will change. Except that we'll be together. I'll be living with you. Look at me. Do you even remember seeing me this energized? I feel like I'm not even sick. Just at the thought of this. Please let me. Please."
She's right. She makes perfect sense. And I really don't remember her looking this healthy. "All right. I'll arrange it. But you can change your mind any time you want and if you get worse. . . then you're coming back here. Okay?"
She nodded. "You're wonderful." She leaned back on me and handed me the remote. I turned on the TV and just thought about how normal this seemed. To be lying in bed with Sydney, my arm around her as she lay next to me watching television. . . this is what life would be like. And I could definitely live with that.
~::~
I took Sydney's hand in mine and smiled softly as I felt her curls her fingers around mine and give me little squeeze. I walked slowly, taking in our surroundings. She looked at me and smiled before looking up at the sky and smelling the air. "It smells like cinnamon."
I look at her and sniff the air too. "Kinda. . . if you think cinnamon smells like apples."
"Apples don't smell like anything."
"Of course they do. They smell like this."
"No, this smells like cinnamon."
"Maybe cinnamon apple."
"Maybe."
She grins and hugs my arm, pressing herself close to me. "I love you. . . let's have a picnic."
"Now?"
"Yeah."
"Are you sure you don't want to come home first? You don't want to rest? We can picnic later."
She turns and looks at me. "Are you so sure?"
No. No I'm not. I'm just hoping. "All right, we'll picnic."
"So why are we walking to the park? The grocery store is that way." She pulls me in the opposite direction and I laugh.
We're walking together in public. People can see us. But it doesn't really matter anymore. Sydney was released from SD-6 when she was diagnosed and they had stopped checking on her shortly after then. She was already dead to them.
We walk into the store and the air-conditioning causes Sydney to shiver a little. I wrap my jacket around her and place an arm around her waist. "I like feeling so protected," she whispers.
"I like protecting you." And I do. There was a time when it was the other way around. But this feels right too. Interdependence. I grab a shopping basket and follow her lead.
~::~
"This is so beautiful, Vaughn." She sighs, taking it all in. We are sitting on a blanket in the shade of the elm towering over us. And it's a wonderful feeling.
"Almost as beautiful as you." I kiss her cheek.
She touches my forehead with hers and tangles her fingers in mine. "We're getting married. We really are getting married."
I nod, smiling. She breaks away suddenly, laughing. "I am so happy. I can't believe I never noticed it before."
"Noticed what?"
"How much you love me. And how much I love you back." She stands up and spreads her arms out. "The breeze feels wonderful. Come here, stand next to me."
Her voice sounds strong. Maybe all she needed was to get out of the hospital. Could she have remained like this if she had stayed at her house? I stand up. Her eyes are closed and there is a huge smile on her face. The wind blows my hair back too and I have to close my eyes too to fully feel every sensation going through my body.
The breeze passes and I feel Sydney throw her arms around me. "I am so unbelievably happy." She kisses me then and I feel like I'm being crippled by the emotions that suddenly surge through my system. We are really kissing this time. She laughs. "I'm so happy."
This was a great idea. This was an absolutely fantastic idea. My fantasies were becoming reality and Sydney was only getting stronger.
She plops down on the blanket again and pulls me down with her. We are lying down on the blanket side by side, looking at the clouds. She points up into the sky. "That one looks like you," she says proudly.
I look up. It's a big, fluffy cloud. "What? Are you trying to tell me something?"
"It looks like you."
"That is not me." And I get an urge to tickle her. It's not one that I can resist and I roll over and do so.
Her laughter fills the air and for those few moments, the world and everything in it is perfect.
"Take it back!" I feel fifteen again. Who does this when they are in their thirties? Well, me of course. I don't know how I ever gave this up.
I'm propped up on my elbows, looking at her smiling goofily. "I'm glad that we did this."
"Me too. I'll have one less regret."
I look at her, flushed with happiness, eyes bright with laughter. "I don't have any."
TBC~