For love was offered me and I shrank from its disillusionment;
Sorrow knocked at my door, but I was afraid;
Ambition called to me, but I dreaded the chances,
Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life.
And I know now that we must lift the sail
And catch the winds of destiny
Wherever they drive the boat.
To put meaning to one's life may end in madness,
But life without meaning is the torture
Of restlessness and vague desire-
It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.
-Edgar Lee Masters
_________________________________________
On the plane ride back, Sydney's thoughts drifted between her mother's forlorn advice and Vaughn.
Don't hold anything back Sydney . . . . They might not be there tomorrow.
_________________________________________
A week later, Syd waited in the warehouse for Vaughn. Back to the same old routine. Ever since "the kiss", things had become weird, however. Their relationship was beginning to falter under pressure. She wanted them to be able to talk again-she used to always know what was going through his head. Now he had drawn back, and Syd missed his presence.
Suddenly she heard him, walking in through the door. Syd sat up straight as he approached, apprehensive for some reason. She had never felt apprehensive with him before . . . . . But then, the stress was probably due to what she was about to say to him. Don't hold back Syd, you're not in the business where you should hold anything back . . . her mother's words echoed, He might not be around tomorrow.
"Good job on the mission in Syd. You're gonna be going to Italy next, so you'll be needing some equipment . . ." Vaughn started as soon as he walked in, straight to the other side of the room, arms crossed, not facing Sydney. Voice stern and unemotional.
My God, thought Sydney, he's gonna turn into my dad. Obviously the bad feelings that they had left off with last time were still present. This was going to make it all the more difficult for Syd to try and lay it all out to him. Don't back out now Syd . . . . . .
"Vaughn, wait. I've gotta talk to you . . . ." Syd paused for a second, trying to find the words. He looked up at her for a second, his eyes filled with something she had never seen coming from him before-anger.
"That's not part of my job Sydney. My job is to give you your mission overview, and to assist you with any confusions you have on your assignment." he said, his voice dangerously soft. Sydney could've killed him then. If she didn't kiss him first.
"Would you just shut up for five seconds and let me talk?" Syd needed to get this out. Frustration didn't even begin to describe what she was feeling right now. She gave Vaughn a glare only usually reserved for Sark. It was enough for him to close his gaping mouth and look at her at least. His eyes even seemed apologetic. She knew he hadn't meant what he said.
"Vaughn, I can't do this anymore. For about a year now I have been living my life at a standstill. I've taken risks, but-- I haven't really taken any REAL risks, you know?" Syd paused. This was hard to describe-she felt like Marshall, jabbering on with no real purpose. Surprisingly, Vaughn looked as though he understood.
"What I mean is, I've just been going through the motions, but I haven't done anything that seriously impacted my life. Nothing I felt strongly about, other than SD-6. But that's not the same-" she was faltering again. Syd sat down on the cold bench wishing that she could just hide, but at the same time yearning to be able to put herself out there on the line again. Live again.
"-I'm just afraid that one day I'll wake up and I'll finally be ready to say all the things I've been wanting to say . . . . . . And nobody will be left to listen." Head in her hands, Syd took a breath, only to look up and see Vaughn standing right beside her. His eyes no longer held the malice they had before. One more breath. Just get it out, Syd.
"What I'm trying to say is . . . ." eyes squeezed shut, then wide open, looking at him like the first time she saw him. Suddenly, the words came easier.
"I'm in love with you."
"And, I can't handle this thing that we keep doing where we dance around each other, getting close, and then bouncing back out of fear. You're either in this with me or you're not. I used to think, someday, when the Alliance is gone . . . But don't you get it? I might be dead tomorrow Vaughn! One of these missions, something will go wrong and I won't come back . . . . . . . . I just don't want things to be left unsaid." Syd let out another breath.
"There. Now that was a real risk."
Syd looked at Vaughn, searching his face for answers. He said nothing, just stared at her. It was beginning to make her nervous.
"Say something, Vaughn."
But he didn't utter a word. Instead, in one swift motion, he pulled her into him and kissing her with everything he had. As the kiss deepened, Vaughn suddenly pulled back. Oh no, not again, Syd thought.
"You're sober this time, right?" he whispered, breathless.
"Yeah." she said, smiling.
"In that case, I love you too, Syd."
And then he was kissing her again. It was perfect, the way she had always imagined it.
Just then, another set of footsteps echoed in the hallway. Syd and Vaughn both instinctively reached for their guns, still kissing, before they heard Weiss's voice ring out in the dimly lit warehouse.
"Hey guys! Devlin just called an emergency meeting . . . . . Something big is going down . . . . ."
______________________________
"What do you mean the Alliance is gone?" Vaughn was looking around for the hidden cameras. This had to be a joke.
"Got an e-mail from security teams confirming it this morning. Jack reported a few days ago that Sloane hadn't returned from his Alliance meeting, so I had the security team go investigate the building where the Alliance supposedly meets, and they found it completely flattened by C-4. The head of every single SD-call was in the building at the time." Devlin coughed. "We did checks on the bodies. They're all there . . . . . including Sloane."
"How did this happen?" Sydney had never felt such a mix of complete excitement and utter disappointment. It was wonderful that the Alliance had finally been destroyed-that's what she had been working for all this time, right? She had always kind of hope to be there, be the one to make it happen. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with her life now.
She felt like . . . . . . . like Eliza, at the end of my Fair Lady. She had been working towards this thing, become totally emotionally invested in it, and now that it was gone, she didn't know what to feel. What is to become of me?? Her purpose had seemingly been fulfilled, what was left for her now?
Vaughn noticed the panic stricken look on her face, took her hand, and squeezed it underneath the table. Devlin began his explanation of what happened.
"We also found a few other bodies . . . . . . We only recognized one, but it was enough to pretty much figure out what happened. A little outside of the blast zone, we found Mr. Sark, shot to death." Devlin shook his head, still in disbelief. "It appears that he had the same objective that we did when he got involved with the Alliance." Syd feigned surprise. She had known all along of course, but had chosen to keep the secret to herself.
"It seems that he succeeded in infiltrating the building with a small security team. After he had finished wiring it with explosives, he had been found and shot. He must've been able to crawl out of the building before the blast, but the rest of his team wasn't quite so lucky. There weren't any survivors."
"Wow . . . . ." Syd said, unsure of what else to feel or do.
So. Sark was dead. The Alliance was gone. Was this what she had wanted?
Yes and No, Syd thought. I didn't want it ending like this . . . . . . . . .
She had naively envisioned glory. What she was steadily realizing was that there was no glory in this business, only a lonely death. That made her think of Sark again. She had definitely not wanted that. At one time she had, but not anymore. This was going to take some getting used to.
"Agent Vaughn, Agents' Bristow-" Devlin addressed them, "It's going to take awhile to get all this reorganized and cleaned up. In the meantime, I suggest you all take a nice month-long vacation. You won't be needed here for awhile." With that he nodded, and left them to fester in their shock.
Sydney, Jack, and Vaughn sat there, not speaking, for a good half hour. Jack was the first to rise from the conference table.
"-I think I'll go have a talk with your mother, and then . . . ." Jack started awkwardly, looking at Sydney, "I think I'll finally use my passport for something other than business. Fiji, Maybe . . ." With the slightest amount of hesitation, he bent down and kissed his daughter goodbye on the cheek. Sydney blinked in surprise. Her father? Gestures of affection? This was going to take some getting used to.
After Jack left, Vaughn looked at her, took her hand and kissed her softly. Syd opened her mouth to speak, trying to explain to him her jumbled up feelings inside. He put up his hand to stop her, and kissed her again.
"I know, Syd. I know."
Hand in hand, they stood up walked out of the conference room, out of the CIA building, into the daylight. One more soft kiss, a promise of things to come.
"Let's go home."
A/N: Sark fans, don't get pissed at me and stop reading! There's going to be a couple more epilogue chapters . . . . . Things aren't always what they seem (hint hint hint hint hint . . . . . .)
-Edgar Lee Masters
_________________________________________
On the plane ride back, Sydney's thoughts drifted between her mother's forlorn advice and Vaughn.
Don't hold anything back Sydney . . . . They might not be there tomorrow.
_________________________________________
A week later, Syd waited in the warehouse for Vaughn. Back to the same old routine. Ever since "the kiss", things had become weird, however. Their relationship was beginning to falter under pressure. She wanted them to be able to talk again-she used to always know what was going through his head. Now he had drawn back, and Syd missed his presence.
Suddenly she heard him, walking in through the door. Syd sat up straight as he approached, apprehensive for some reason. She had never felt apprehensive with him before . . . . . But then, the stress was probably due to what she was about to say to him. Don't hold back Syd, you're not in the business where you should hold anything back . . . her mother's words echoed, He might not be around tomorrow.
"Good job on the mission in Syd. You're gonna be going to Italy next, so you'll be needing some equipment . . ." Vaughn started as soon as he walked in, straight to the other side of the room, arms crossed, not facing Sydney. Voice stern and unemotional.
My God, thought Sydney, he's gonna turn into my dad. Obviously the bad feelings that they had left off with last time were still present. This was going to make it all the more difficult for Syd to try and lay it all out to him. Don't back out now Syd . . . . . .
"Vaughn, wait. I've gotta talk to you . . . ." Syd paused for a second, trying to find the words. He looked up at her for a second, his eyes filled with something she had never seen coming from him before-anger.
"That's not part of my job Sydney. My job is to give you your mission overview, and to assist you with any confusions you have on your assignment." he said, his voice dangerously soft. Sydney could've killed him then. If she didn't kiss him first.
"Would you just shut up for five seconds and let me talk?" Syd needed to get this out. Frustration didn't even begin to describe what she was feeling right now. She gave Vaughn a glare only usually reserved for Sark. It was enough for him to close his gaping mouth and look at her at least. His eyes even seemed apologetic. She knew he hadn't meant what he said.
"Vaughn, I can't do this anymore. For about a year now I have been living my life at a standstill. I've taken risks, but-- I haven't really taken any REAL risks, you know?" Syd paused. This was hard to describe-she felt like Marshall, jabbering on with no real purpose. Surprisingly, Vaughn looked as though he understood.
"What I mean is, I've just been going through the motions, but I haven't done anything that seriously impacted my life. Nothing I felt strongly about, other than SD-6. But that's not the same-" she was faltering again. Syd sat down on the cold bench wishing that she could just hide, but at the same time yearning to be able to put herself out there on the line again. Live again.
"-I'm just afraid that one day I'll wake up and I'll finally be ready to say all the things I've been wanting to say . . . . . . And nobody will be left to listen." Head in her hands, Syd took a breath, only to look up and see Vaughn standing right beside her. His eyes no longer held the malice they had before. One more breath. Just get it out, Syd.
"What I'm trying to say is . . . ." eyes squeezed shut, then wide open, looking at him like the first time she saw him. Suddenly, the words came easier.
"I'm in love with you."
"And, I can't handle this thing that we keep doing where we dance around each other, getting close, and then bouncing back out of fear. You're either in this with me or you're not. I used to think, someday, when the Alliance is gone . . . But don't you get it? I might be dead tomorrow Vaughn! One of these missions, something will go wrong and I won't come back . . . . . . . . I just don't want things to be left unsaid." Syd let out another breath.
"There. Now that was a real risk."
Syd looked at Vaughn, searching his face for answers. He said nothing, just stared at her. It was beginning to make her nervous.
"Say something, Vaughn."
But he didn't utter a word. Instead, in one swift motion, he pulled her into him and kissing her with everything he had. As the kiss deepened, Vaughn suddenly pulled back. Oh no, not again, Syd thought.
"You're sober this time, right?" he whispered, breathless.
"Yeah." she said, smiling.
"In that case, I love you too, Syd."
And then he was kissing her again. It was perfect, the way she had always imagined it.
Just then, another set of footsteps echoed in the hallway. Syd and Vaughn both instinctively reached for their guns, still kissing, before they heard Weiss's voice ring out in the dimly lit warehouse.
"Hey guys! Devlin just called an emergency meeting . . . . . Something big is going down . . . . ."
______________________________
"What do you mean the Alliance is gone?" Vaughn was looking around for the hidden cameras. This had to be a joke.
"Got an e-mail from security teams confirming it this morning. Jack reported a few days ago that Sloane hadn't returned from his Alliance meeting, so I had the security team go investigate the building where the Alliance supposedly meets, and they found it completely flattened by C-4. The head of every single SD-call was in the building at the time." Devlin coughed. "We did checks on the bodies. They're all there . . . . . including Sloane."
"How did this happen?" Sydney had never felt such a mix of complete excitement and utter disappointment. It was wonderful that the Alliance had finally been destroyed-that's what she had been working for all this time, right? She had always kind of hope to be there, be the one to make it happen. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with her life now.
She felt like . . . . . . . like Eliza, at the end of my Fair Lady. She had been working towards this thing, become totally emotionally invested in it, and now that it was gone, she didn't know what to feel. What is to become of me?? Her purpose had seemingly been fulfilled, what was left for her now?
Vaughn noticed the panic stricken look on her face, took her hand, and squeezed it underneath the table. Devlin began his explanation of what happened.
"We also found a few other bodies . . . . . . We only recognized one, but it was enough to pretty much figure out what happened. A little outside of the blast zone, we found Mr. Sark, shot to death." Devlin shook his head, still in disbelief. "It appears that he had the same objective that we did when he got involved with the Alliance." Syd feigned surprise. She had known all along of course, but had chosen to keep the secret to herself.
"It seems that he succeeded in infiltrating the building with a small security team. After he had finished wiring it with explosives, he had been found and shot. He must've been able to crawl out of the building before the blast, but the rest of his team wasn't quite so lucky. There weren't any survivors."
"Wow . . . . ." Syd said, unsure of what else to feel or do.
So. Sark was dead. The Alliance was gone. Was this what she had wanted?
Yes and No, Syd thought. I didn't want it ending like this . . . . . . . . .
She had naively envisioned glory. What she was steadily realizing was that there was no glory in this business, only a lonely death. That made her think of Sark again. She had definitely not wanted that. At one time she had, but not anymore. This was going to take some getting used to.
"Agent Vaughn, Agents' Bristow-" Devlin addressed them, "It's going to take awhile to get all this reorganized and cleaned up. In the meantime, I suggest you all take a nice month-long vacation. You won't be needed here for awhile." With that he nodded, and left them to fester in their shock.
Sydney, Jack, and Vaughn sat there, not speaking, for a good half hour. Jack was the first to rise from the conference table.
"-I think I'll go have a talk with your mother, and then . . . ." Jack started awkwardly, looking at Sydney, "I think I'll finally use my passport for something other than business. Fiji, Maybe . . ." With the slightest amount of hesitation, he bent down and kissed his daughter goodbye on the cheek. Sydney blinked in surprise. Her father? Gestures of affection? This was going to take some getting used to.
After Jack left, Vaughn looked at her, took her hand and kissed her softly. Syd opened her mouth to speak, trying to explain to him her jumbled up feelings inside. He put up his hand to stop her, and kissed her again.
"I know, Syd. I know."
Hand in hand, they stood up walked out of the conference room, out of the CIA building, into the daylight. One more soft kiss, a promise of things to come.
"Let's go home."
A/N: Sark fans, don't get pissed at me and stop reading! There's going to be a couple more epilogue chapters . . . . . Things aren't always what they seem (hint hint hint hint hint . . . . . .)