With My Dying Breath

Thank you to everyone who has been reading and reviewing. It really means a lot. There is going to be two more chapters (including this one) and then the epilogue and that will mark my first complete multi-chaptered fic. Yay!

13.

I don't know why I suddenly feel as if I'm paralyzed. But I can't move. Can't even twitch or do anything but feel the tears slide smoothly down my cheeks.

I feel the raindrops hitting me and soaking through my clothes, chilling me to the very bone. I watch as the blinking red lights grow smaller and smaller until they disappear around the corner.

And it is then that I am able to move. The fear of seeing her leaving is releasing me from its hold and now I can move but I can barely think. I run back into the house, banging my hip painfully against the counter and i fumble for the keys that are lying somewhere under all the folders and papers cluttering the desk.

Wincing in pain, I turn to get a jacket but then turn back. There's no time to get a jacket.

I'm not even cold anymore.

I can feel my entire body coursing with adrenaline; I can feel it surging through my system even as I feel my face heat up from fear.

My hands are shaking as they find their place on the steering wheel and I try looking straight ahead as I start the ignition and move the car forward but my vision is blurry anyway.

I rub my sleeve quickly across my eyes as I drive down the street.

The night is dark and the building that are whirring past me all look the same to my tired eyes. Sydney has to make it. This has to be some sort of false call.

She can't leave. The world won't be able to go on without her. And even if it can, it will be bleak. She's the only one capable of brining color wherever she goes.

I know I'm exaggerating but there is a kernel of truth to my thoughts. She truly is the light of my life. And if she leaves me, I know that I'll die inside.

The hospital is only five minutes away and I can still hear the sound of the siren ringing in my ears.

~:~

I know how awful I must look; how haggard I must appear to anyone unlucky enough to look at me. "Please. Tell me where I can find Sydney Bristow."

The nurse doesn't even look up at me. "Family only."

"She's the only one important to me. Please. I'm her fiance."

She finally looks at me, sees the pain in my face. And her voice lowers a notch, showing a little sympathy for my pain. "She's undergoing treatment right now."

She looks down at the file spread on her table. "Are you Michael Vaughn?"

Dumbly I nod, my eyes stuck to her face, trying to read my mind.

"Are you aware of the damage that you have caused by removing her from the hospital?"

Her voice has changed back; it's hostile again. But I can't seem to register her words and i just shake my head. "No. No, she is more alive than she has been these two years. She was fine, absolutely FINE until tonight. She... she's beautiful."

"It's a thing called adrenaline Mr. Vaughn. Sometimes staying in the same dreary environment gets people down. But this is a good hospital and we give our patients good treatment. By removing Ms. Bristow from our care, you have already eliminated months of her life."

"How can you say that? She just came in a few minutes ago! You're not right. That is not right. You can't have figured all that out already."

The nurse hesitated. "Mr. Vaughn, there has been a reason Jack Bristow has been staying with you."

My eyes flit to her nametag. Andrea Bosen. How did she know everything? Was she some sort of superior nurse or something?

And as I peer into her face, I remember her. The nurse that was in the room when Sydney decided to leave.

"Ms. Bosen, I'm not entirely sure what you're saying to me right now but I don't care. I only want to know one thing and that is where my fiancé is."

"You can't see her now."

I feel rage building up in my body and I start taking deep breaths to calm myself down. "How long before I can see her?"

"Not tonight."

I stare at her incredulously. Does she really think that she can let me hang in this state of not-knowing for a whole night? Doesn't she know that I'll die?

So there is one choice. I nod and walk in the direction of the bathroom but steer off to the elevators instead.

As an after thought, I step into the supply closet three doors down to grab an orderly's outfit.

~:~

I don't know which door it is but I don't care. I know it's in here somewhere. And I have to do something. As long as I'm doing something, I won't go crazy.

I work my way down the hallway, picking the locks more efficiently than I have ever done. Desperation does that.

Here.

The room is dark but that is a problem with an easy solution. Turning on the lights, I survey the file cabinets on each wall.

B

Bri

Bristow.

Bristow, Sydney.

I pick out her file and scan the contents of the documents, trying to find a room number, a floor, anything that can help me.

But my blood freezes as I read the words jumping out at me.

After testing the patient's blood sample, taken and given on the 14th of January, it was found that... cells have been depleted... 30%, estimated time 3 months... blood samply given on the 26th... rapid deterioration... no outwards symptoms but internal organs and blood flow severly disrupted... 60% of needed cells... areas of contamination growing... Plan retraction on the 14th for immediate care...

It was the 10th. The doctors had estimated 3 months. But that had been in January.

Numbers change

February 10, 2002. Syd... What will this date mean to us? Will there still be an us tomorrow?

I feel the tears creeping upwards again but I stop them. Shaking my head to clear my mind, I skip over the document and the graphs until I find a chart.

Room 342.

Hastily I close the folder, trying to forget everything I have just seen, and walk out the door.

~:~

For the first time in a month, it looks as if she is paler than the sheets.

Jack is standing beside her bed, looking at his daughter. I feel like I'm intruding on some moment, like some freak looking through the window. I step back. I'm willing to give him his time. She's not just mine.

I hear his voice. "Sydney, what are you doing? You don't have to be in so much pain." I hear the sorrow in his voice as he fights to say the things that he is thinking.

"Sweetie, I love you but you don't have to stay. It's killing me to see how hurt you are. It's okay for you to let go."

There's a pause and I feel almost guilty for telling Sydney to live for me. Jack's right in a way. She shouldn't have to suffer anymore.

But I'm selfish. I want her to stay.

"What's stopping you? Why is it so hard for you to let go? Honey, are you waiting for something? Someone?" Jack sighs and looks up and sees me.

I back away from the door, scared of what I might do or say. Jack wants Sydney to die. He can't stand to see her suffering. This isn't fair. Can't she just live happily ever after? Can't she just stay forever with me. I lean against the wall and wait as I feel the energy leaking out of me. I can wait forever now that I know where she is.

But the door opens and he comes out.

"Go. She's waiting for you." That's the only thing he says and right before he turns around, I see the tear fall from his eye.

"Thank you."

There is now an unspoken agreement between us. He has, for the first time, truly accepted me and I walk through the door and into her room.

~:~

Walking into the room, I think she's sleeping. Lying there so peacefully with her eyes closed, her lashes falling gently to her face, I hope that she is.

But then I see the flash of pain shoot through her face and the fine layer of sweat that shines in the light.

I can empathize with Jack. It hurts to see her like this.

She cries out a little and bites her lip to stop herself. And I realize why she is closing her eyes. She doesn't want me to see her tears.

Another wave of pain overcomes her and leaves her breathless and almost panting; her chest heaving as her hands clench the sheets, crumpling them in her still powerful grasp.

I place my hand on hers and see her crack open an eye. It's filled with tears and pain and she's moving her mouth but there are no words. "Syd."

She opens both eyes and looks at me, her gaze strong even as two perfect tears fall from them.

"Syd, it's okay. I was selfish to make you stay. You can let go."

But I don't mean it. And she knows I don't mean it. And she's never lost before. She doesn't know how. She can't give up. Not now.

She shakes her head slightly before wincing again.

I get up; knowing that this is the time she usually sends me away. But her hand turns over and grabs mine in hers.

She wants me to stay.

I'm so grateful that she's letting me stay. "I'm right here."

She squeezes my hand painfully tight. But it doesn't matter. She can do anything she wants to me and it won't hurt as much as the look on her face.

Her words come out in gasps. "They... stopped trying."

"No. No they didn't. Nobody gave up."

"There's no- nothing they can do anymore... too late."

I shake my head, feeling dizzy as my vision gets blurry again. "It's not too late."

She smiles wanly. "Vaughn, you don't think... I'm not going to make it you know."

"Yes you are. You can make it through anything."

She gasps for breath. "Not this. Not even I.... No- I can't."

"WE can. I'm right here. Sydney, please. I'm right here. Just hold on."

She nods. "How long?"

I don't have an answer. "I don't know."


"Vaughn... Michael, it hurts."

I bend down and kiss her forehead. "I know baby, I know."

She opens her eyes again. "Michael, I love you."

My tear falls on her nose. "I know."

"I just wanted... wanted to make sure. You love me too right?"

"Yeah."

"Then I really don't need anything else do I?"

I don't like where this conversation is headed. "Don't leave me. Please Sydney, please don't leave me. Please. I'll do anything. Please just stay." I kiss her tears away, kiss the my teardrop from her nose, kiss her hand and I drop to the floor on my knees.

She holds my head to her chest as I sob. This is the wrong way. I'm supposed to hold her. But I can't and I'm depending on her for strength again. And amazingly, she gives it to me.

"Vaughn... I can try to stay. But I would only bring you down."

I shake my head. "Don't even say that. The only place you could ever bring me is up."

She clenches her teeth as another wave hits.

"Michael..."

I hold her hands in mine, feeling the sweat break out on her hands and on her face and chest, covering her with a fine sheen.

I know I should let her go.

And she knows I know.

"Michael, in the movies, this is usually the time... the time where the woman ... tells... tells the man to promise to love someone else."

I start to speak but she covers my mouth with her hand.

"...but I'm too selfish... I'm not going to stop you from loving someone else... But I don't want you to forget me right away."

She laughs at herself but it turns into a sob. "I'm... I'm so jealous that you'll love someone more than you love me. I'm sorry I'm so jealous. I do want you to be happy."

This time I stop her. "Syd, you have absolutely NOTHING to worry about. What you are... no one else could even compare. No one."

And I find the strength in me to give her comfort and this time, I'm the one cradling her to my chest.

And I realize how she was able to give me strength when she had none of her own. It wasn't strength.

It was love.

And that source is not depletable. There is no limit.

And when I come to that realization, I look back down at her, ready to tell her that she can go.

But I guess she knew that already because her eyes are closed.

And even though I knew she would leave me, I feel the anguish fill my throat and pour out of my mouth as realization hits me hard in the heart until I'm left flailing in darkness and shadow.

The love of my life is gone. And I am alone.

I would rather roam the earth

Forever by your side as a ghost

Than enter Heaven

Without You

TBC...