How To Write An LOTR Mary-Sue
Chapter 5: Someone Doesn't Fancy Mary-Sue?
Disclaimers et al: Don't own them, wish I did. Especially that stunt elf. Tolkein was a genius, I'm just cashing in on it, without the cash, obviously. So, you want a rating change, huh? I don't think I've included anything explicit, it's your own mind supplying the [insert body parts]. Except the breasts of course. Maybe you've got a phobia about breasts. As in B-R-E-A-S-T-S, you know? Ooh, I know. *Evil chuckle*. I'll use euphemisms. Heh.
Indeed it was [insert character 4] behind her. He stood, a tall/short/medium man/elf/hobbit/istar/orc/dark lord/dwarf/other, with handsome looks and a concerned expression.
"Are you all right?" he repeated softly.
"[Insert character 3] is dead," she moaned beautifully, her pineapples heaving, "my dear love, my only true love."
"Don't give up hope, Mary-Sue," [insert character 4] tried to calm her, "all is not lost, though he was my friend and I will grieve for him with you."
They knelt by the body for a while, both with tears in their eyes. Their grief was so great that even the birds stopped singing. As they stayed there, Mary-Sue, though completely grief-stricken, turned her attention to [insert character 4]. She noticed how handsome he was, how large his [insert body part] was, how smooth his [insert different body part] was.
"It seems that all hope is not lost, melonaninny," she whispered seductively. (Melonaninny -friend, in warped Elvish. Oh, comedy.)
[Insert character 4] looked down at her, as he was manfully taller/shorter than the petite and beautiful Mary-Sue. His eyes widened, realising the intent and passion behind her words. He leaned forward/upwards/downwards, until his lips almost touched the perfect ones of Mary-Sue, but then pulled away.
"I.I cannot," he said, standing and disappearing into the trees. Mary-Sue looked despondently after him.
"Oh [insert character 4]," she sighed, "my love. Why can you not?"
::::::::::::::::
Some time passed, during which Mary-Sue would see [insert character 4] everyday, but he would look away, trying to avoid her. One day, having had enough, Mary-Sue approached [insert character 4], giving him no chance to slip away.
"[Insert character 4]!" she called, "why do you avoid me?"
[Insert character 4] glanced around in a frightened way, then grasped Mary- Sue's arm and pulled her into a usefully-placed dark alley.
"I love you!" Mary-Sue declared, "with all my heart and soul. Ich liebe dich, mon ami."
"Your skill with tongues amazes me, dear lady," [insert character 4] said, taking her hand gently, "but I cannot return your love." He turned his head away.
"But [insert character 4]!" Mary-Sue exclaimed, "you are my one and only! [Insert character] died, as did [insert character 2] and [insert character 3]. You are the only one who can have my heart!"
[Insert character 4] looked sad at that, for [insert all other insert characters] had been his friends/enemies. He looked at Mary-Sue's huge footballs, which jiggled so enticingly beneath her undoubtedly flattering clothing. His mind was sorely troubled, as he had a deep secret, one that he could not tell Mary-Sue.
"Oh, Mary-Sue," he whispered, "I love you, but I cannot. There is a difficulty."
"Oh, [insert character 4]," she replied, looking up at him with her wide, beautiful eyes, "we can overcome difficulties."
"Oh, Mary-Sue!" he groaned.
"Oh, [insert character 4]!" she groaned.
They fell at each other, kissing and hugging and [insert appropriate activity]. So engrossed were they in each other that they failed to see a figure coming up behind them.
"Well, this is all very cosy," a voice said, "shame it has to end right now."
To be continued!
Who is the mysterious figure? Are they something to do with [insert character 4]'s deep secret? Will Mary-Sue get too top heavy and fall over forwards? Will this parody ever end? All this and more in the next chapter. (Oh, and by the way, the review button's just down there if you're feeling happy.)
Chapter 5: Someone Doesn't Fancy Mary-Sue?
Disclaimers et al: Don't own them, wish I did. Especially that stunt elf. Tolkein was a genius, I'm just cashing in on it, without the cash, obviously. So, you want a rating change, huh? I don't think I've included anything explicit, it's your own mind supplying the [insert body parts]. Except the breasts of course. Maybe you've got a phobia about breasts. As in B-R-E-A-S-T-S, you know? Ooh, I know. *Evil chuckle*. I'll use euphemisms. Heh.
Indeed it was [insert character 4] behind her. He stood, a tall/short/medium man/elf/hobbit/istar/orc/dark lord/dwarf/other, with handsome looks and a concerned expression.
"Are you all right?" he repeated softly.
"[Insert character 3] is dead," she moaned beautifully, her pineapples heaving, "my dear love, my only true love."
"Don't give up hope, Mary-Sue," [insert character 4] tried to calm her, "all is not lost, though he was my friend and I will grieve for him with you."
They knelt by the body for a while, both with tears in their eyes. Their grief was so great that even the birds stopped singing. As they stayed there, Mary-Sue, though completely grief-stricken, turned her attention to [insert character 4]. She noticed how handsome he was, how large his [insert body part] was, how smooth his [insert different body part] was.
"It seems that all hope is not lost, melonaninny," she whispered seductively. (Melonaninny -friend, in warped Elvish. Oh, comedy.)
[Insert character 4] looked down at her, as he was manfully taller/shorter than the petite and beautiful Mary-Sue. His eyes widened, realising the intent and passion behind her words. He leaned forward/upwards/downwards, until his lips almost touched the perfect ones of Mary-Sue, but then pulled away.
"I.I cannot," he said, standing and disappearing into the trees. Mary-Sue looked despondently after him.
"Oh [insert character 4]," she sighed, "my love. Why can you not?"
::::::::::::::::
Some time passed, during which Mary-Sue would see [insert character 4] everyday, but he would look away, trying to avoid her. One day, having had enough, Mary-Sue approached [insert character 4], giving him no chance to slip away.
"[Insert character 4]!" she called, "why do you avoid me?"
[Insert character 4] glanced around in a frightened way, then grasped Mary- Sue's arm and pulled her into a usefully-placed dark alley.
"I love you!" Mary-Sue declared, "with all my heart and soul. Ich liebe dich, mon ami."
"Your skill with tongues amazes me, dear lady," [insert character 4] said, taking her hand gently, "but I cannot return your love." He turned his head away.
"But [insert character 4]!" Mary-Sue exclaimed, "you are my one and only! [Insert character] died, as did [insert character 2] and [insert character 3]. You are the only one who can have my heart!"
[Insert character 4] looked sad at that, for [insert all other insert characters] had been his friends/enemies. He looked at Mary-Sue's huge footballs, which jiggled so enticingly beneath her undoubtedly flattering clothing. His mind was sorely troubled, as he had a deep secret, one that he could not tell Mary-Sue.
"Oh, Mary-Sue," he whispered, "I love you, but I cannot. There is a difficulty."
"Oh, [insert character 4]," she replied, looking up at him with her wide, beautiful eyes, "we can overcome difficulties."
"Oh, Mary-Sue!" he groaned.
"Oh, [insert character 4]!" she groaned.
They fell at each other, kissing and hugging and [insert appropriate activity]. So engrossed were they in each other that they failed to see a figure coming up behind them.
"Well, this is all very cosy," a voice said, "shame it has to end right now."
To be continued!
Who is the mysterious figure? Are they something to do with [insert character 4]'s deep secret? Will Mary-Sue get too top heavy and fall over forwards? Will this parody ever end? All this and more in the next chapter. (Oh, and by the way, the review button's just down there if you're feeling happy.)