I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemon, blood, strong language and more, may be a bit
AU. Duo's POV.
Mission
by solange channonix
Part II
I woke up the next morning to the stabbing pain in my backside and midriff, overwhelming sickness and first rays of the morning sun. I blinked few times, considering closing my eyes and going back to sleep, fuck the lessons I had at school that morning, I wasn't going to come there anyway, I felt weak, and still in pain, the best that could happen was to end up at infirmary. Beside that, it was still early, but... As I looked down my body, my thighs and backside covered in blood and semen, as the sheets I was under, I felt more sick than before and my want to sleep disappeared completely. I wanted a shower and clean sheets and maybe some stitches to my opening, which still felt like torn apart, and as the conscioussness began to come back to me fully, previous sleepiness disappearing from my brain, the pain from it hit me, blinding me again, and I had to grit my teeth really hard not to scream. What had he done to me ? I gritted my teeth harder, cutting my lower lip open, as I slipped one finger inside me trying to examine the damage. When I took it out it was covered in blood, fresh blood. Still, few hours after, I was bleeding inside. I really needed stitches, but looking for a medical help could be dangerous in such a case. For a specialist, it would be obvious that I had been brutally raped and I bet he would want to know who, how and why had done it to me. I wasn't too sure either if he wouldn't be obliged to let know the police. And my fellow Gundam pilot wanted for rape was not what we needed right now. I had to come through this alone. But a shower and a pain-killer, and throwing out and fresh sheets wouldn't hurt. Slowly, very slowly, trying not to put too much pressure on my sore midriff I moved to the edge of the bed and as slowly, stood up. At first, my legs gave way and I had to sit back down, but after few more tries, I succeeded. But the pain... I tried not to think about the pain, more so about stopping myself from crying and screaming, tears blurring my vision anyway. That was the first time when I marmured something about hating Heero, first and not the last, but that wasn't changing anything, I still loved him, as much as ever. I almost fell down when I stumbled on the gun, my gun, lying next to the bed. Thoughtfully, I picked it up. Maybe I would need it, I never felt save without it, and especially not now. Then I continued on my long, painful way to the bathroom, my hair falling down onto my face and covering my eyes. I promised myself I would braid it as soon as I would be able to. I took the most away with my hand and just then, noticed him. He had fallen asleep sitting at the desk, over his beloved computer, still wrapped only in that sheet. Fucking me was a bit tiring, wasn't it ? I thought bitterly taking the gun up and unblocking it as I approached, pointing it at him and finally, putting it to the side of his head. I wanted to pull the trigger, for a moment I really wanted to, I didn't do this just to feel in control myself, if only for a while, not only for that, not only...
But then he opened his eyes, beautiful cold Prussian blue eyes looked at me again, with no feelings inside, as usual, and not clouded with lust, anymore. I wanted to die, just to not have to look in them again. Eyes that I loved, that haunted my dreams, eyes that I was going to hate, that were going to appear in my nightmares for years on end. I didn't want to see them ! I wanted him to disappear from my life, not leaving any traces, and with that thought I found myself able to pull the trigger again, so I pushed the gun harder and closer to his temple and was going to fire... but my hand trembled, just before, and noticing that momentary opening in my defenses, Heero snatched the gun from me, blocked it and put it on the desk and then pushed it away, far away from us. I was defenseless against him, I couldn't get myself to harm him, he had full control over me. And as I thought about how he could use it, I really forgot about the physical pain, replaced by fear, fear of him. For the first time in my life I feared someone. Before, I had rarely feared at all and all I really feared to the moment was the death. Yes, I believed I wouldn't disappear when I would die, but I knew as well that having killed so many people, committed so many other sins, skipped so many prayers and messes during the war, I wouldn't go to heaven either. So I feared. But then I realised I feared him, Heero Yuy, more than death. I would have rather died than to have him doing to me what he had done the previous night. He was looking at me, for a long time, long, long time. And it isn't pleasant, to have gaze like his, devoid of emotions, watch you for so long, considering the circumstances, when you're guessing what could be hiding behind those cold eyes, when you're guessing what could happen to you the next moment, being still in pain after what he had done before.
" Let me go." I whispered almost inaudibly.
" No, Duo, stay."
I shook my head. He wasn't holding me there, right, but I... The pain, the fear... it made me... I found no strenght in me to go away... I... What the fuck was happening to me ? I wanted to go away. But he told me to stay and I... What would he have done if I disobeyed him ? I was in no conditions to stand against him, to fight back and win, to save myself from whatever he would have done if I disobeyed him, so I stayed, as he had told me to, stayed under this gaze, however it was tormenting me. He smirked at that, and I noticed he always smirked like that when I was giving him something, like the previous night, when he had smirked like that every time I had been giving him control, more and more of control, until he had gotten it full over me... and had used it against me, in the way I hadn't even thought possible... Some part of me whispered something else... I liked that smirk, his eyes were sparkling when it was appearing on his face, and getting even more beautiful than usually... so beautiful... Smirk like that again, Heero... I know that's a reward, but I'll make you happy, do everything you could wish me to, just to see that smirk, see that sparkling in your eyes, like if you just completed very difficult mission and, for the shortest while, were proud of yourself, because that's what you live for - your missions, and completing them is only thing that truly pleases you and makes you happy, and makes your eyes sparkling, and then they're the most beautiful thing one can possibly see. His smirk disappeared, after being on his face so shortly. There was no sparkling in his eyes anymore and I feared, only feared, once again. That weird trance, his mere look had gotten me into, quitted, and I aknowledged the pain once again, radiating from my backside all over my body. I wanted to go away, but now his eyes, just his eyes, cold, narrowed dangerously eyes, kept me standing there, in front of him, despite the physical and mental pain it was causing me. But slowly it was getting too much for me to bear.
" I have to sit down. Can I ?" I whispered softly, feeling my legs really giving way slowly.
He gave me weird look of mild surprise. It took me a while to realise why, but yeah, he had a law to be surprised. Since when I asked his permission before doing something. So, he hadn't even realised what he had done to me, or had he ?
" Yes." He answered firmly.
Slowly, I went back in the direction of the bed, his bed this time, at least sheets there weren't stained in my blood, and slumped down on it as soon as I reached it. Heero frowned a bit, maybe because the sheets under my backside turned red immediately. I bled worse than just after waking up. I was badly wounded inside. Maybe I would need the medical help after all just to stay alive, but who was supposed to bring me to the doctor ? I bet that not Heero.
" Duo, we have to talk." He said sitting next to me. I couldn't help but flinched and crawled as much away as I could, taking my legs up and wrapping my arms securely around them, covering with one of the sheets the best I could. I was still nude, but it wasn't really embarassing me or making things any worse. Things were already the worst they could be. Beside that, what was the point in hiding myself from his eyes if he had already seen and violated all of me anyway ?
I nodded. Yes, we needed to talk, but I couldn't know if he wanted to talk about this... this that meant... what had happened the previous night. But of course I was going to listen to whatever he had to say me, I couldn't disobey him, stabbing pain from my backside and sheets under it getting reddier with every passing second reminded me of this.
" There is a mission."
Back to being just fellow Gundam pilots mode, Heero ?
" That mission you were getting details for... last evening ?" I asked.
" Partially."
Partially ? What `partially` ? Were these details describing only part of the mission or quite the contrary, were they concerning that mission among others ?
" I tried to confess them to send me but they want you to complete it." He said softly though I saw no reason for this.
" Try harder. I'm in no condition to go on a mission, thanks to you." I said bitterly.
His features twitched slightly.
" There is no: try harder, Duo. You're going."
" I fucked don't ! I can't ! I can't keep sitting still, I'm going crazy with pain and I'm supposed to pilot a Gundam ?! I'll end up blowing everything up !"
I couldn't stop this, this bitter cry, leapt out of my painfully clenched throat. But as soon as my outburst ended, I regretted it and the fear got worse. What was he going to do about it ?
" That's what you're supposed to do."
I blinked, not understanding what he meant.
"... to blow everything up."
" What do you mean ?" I asked, my eyes widening in shock.
" Most of OZ stuff, many fellow soldiers and Kushrenada are all gathered in one place. Vilnius. Eastern Europe. We're supposed to blow up the base. They want us to end the war at once."
My eyes widened more. What the fuck was he talking about ?
" We have nothing that could blow a big base up. Not even self-destruction of a Gundam on a open surface is strong enough."
" Sometimes ago, I was sent to get something strong enough. We have middle power atomic missile. Self-destruction of a Gundam can be a good ignition for it. They did a research on it."
What ? I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to concentrate and think straight despite the pain-induced haze that was clouding my mind. Suicidal mission, completing which was going to result in killing few... what ?... millions ?... people, most of them innocent civilians having nothing to do with OZ. And God knows why I was supposed to do this.
" There may be other Gundams in the area during the mission." I said. I could feel something was not right with that mission, I didn't want the victory like that it was offering. " We have to let them know before, but I'm not sure the pilots will all be ok with this." I narrowed my eyes... Pain... If only not that fucked pain...
Heero was silent for a while. I could sense that as much as he was capable of he was against his mentors' newest idea as well, but that wasn't changing the fact he was able to do everything to complete the mission. His want to complete the mission... compassion, bravery, endurance he was putting into it... It all wasn't normal in its intensity. I bet there was a lot of hardware in his skull.
" They are supposed to be there then. I've already sent them an information to get there."
" What ?!"
Slowly, things began to be clear for me, there really was something ugly going on here, my impressions weren't wrong. I was supposed to get close to OZ base... where ?...never mind... somewhere in Eastern Europe, and blow it up with atomic missile, killing myself, OZ leaders and other pilots, destroying all Gundams... that's it, all except of Wing. Heero really would have gladly gone to complete that mission, but he needed to stay alive, because his mentors needed him and his Gundam to create new order to replace the one I would have most likely shattered with my action. Betrayal ? Another one in the history of that war ? This time among us ?
" That's not what you think. They don't want to be obvious that the colonies will be responsible for the crime of killing civilians all over the place. Civilians OZ uses as a shield. But we won't hesistate. And if four of the Gundams will be destroyed as well no one will blame the colonies."
I think he knew as well as me that what he was saying was an excuse, not the best excuse. Or maybe he was blind enough when it came to those who were giving him orders that he didn't see what was obvious. Anyway, their plan as it was was good, but there was one big fault in it. They had chosen me to complete that mission because they needed Heero later, but unlike him I wasn't going to die for something I was against. I was going to refuse, and I bet every other pilot was going to do the same, and there was nothing beside Gundam and no one beside us that could carry the missile close enough to the base for it to destroy it completely, so no one inside stayed alive.
" I won't do this." I said firmly, breathing deeply, trying to ease the pain.
Heero gave me weird look, full of something so... sad, broken... I couldn't quite place it... He reached for his gun and put it to my chest. I wasn't afraid. He couldn't kill me, he had made it obvious that he needed me alive.
" Don't make a show, Hee-chan. You won't kill me anyway, we both know that. You need me alive."
He took the gun away. It wasn't even unblocked before.
" There is no..." His voice trembled, really trembled. "...no difference for us if you'll come there fucked senseless once or twice..." At the end his voice was steady, and cold, the coldest I had ever heard, from him or not. "...or maybe more. I kinda enjoyed it last night, I can do this for as long as you will need to change your mind. What do you think, Duo ? Now when you're still bleeding we could go faster."
He reached his hand to touch me and I jumped away off the bed to avoid the contact. No... He could shot me, strangle me, beat me, do whatever, but this. I wasn't probably going to live through another ride like that, if I wouldn't get medical help, that's it, but a helpful doctor could be found to make my life and torment longer. Now I knew, Heero wasn't sick enough himself to rape me like that from his own will, it was a part of his mission, do this to get the control over me in order to make me and Deathscythe carry the missile. They had really planned it well, better than I had previously thought. I was going to do this, to get away from him, I wanted to die, rather die and kill so many innocent people than to live through the hell again, I would have done everything they had asked me for.
" There is no need, Heero." I said, my whole body trembling. "I'll go."
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There will be another part, with some of Heero's POV this time. And
it was supposed to be a one-shot... Well, it turned out different. Review
!!! I really appreciate it.