How To Write An LOTR Mary-Sue
Chapter 7: Final Chapter or The End Of Mary-Sue
Disclaimers: All characters included, apart from Mary-Sue, belong to Tolkien, not that they're named or anything. I just do it for the reviews. I'm not ashamed. Call me what you will, a review whore, a review junkie, I don't care. Just help me feed my habit, or even my rabbit, please! And yes, this is the last chapter, so love and death galore. I decided that [insert character 4] had been hanging around for too long.
The scream echoed in the suddenly deserted streets. Mary-Sue looked fearfully around, clutched in [insert character 4]'s manly/elfly/dwarven/hobbitly/orcly/otherly arms. Her eyes grew wide, making them even more beautiful. She stared between the trees, trying to see what the horrifying sound had been caused by.
"Wait here, Mary-Sue, my dearest heart," [insert character 4] said, stepping forward bravely. He drew his [insert weapon].
Where did that [insert weapon] come from, Mary-Sue wondered, I thought he was just pleased to see me. Aloud, she said, "Be careful, my darling."
[Insert character 4] ventured into the strange forest. The trees loomed over him, dark and foreboding. He glanced around heroically, until he saw the crumpled form of [insert b****] lying on the forest floor. Her guts were spilled out on the mossy ground, her face frozen in an expression of terror. [Insert character 4] drew back in horror, but forced himself to look closer.
"She's been murdered by [insert standard foes]," he said quietly, "I may not have really loved her, but it's a horrible way to die."
"Could they still be around?" Mary-Sue asked tremulously, her perfect lower lip caught attractively between her perfect white teeth.
"Maybe," [insert character 4] said, glancing around, "I'll go and look. Stay here, this isn't the sort of thing that a beautiful girl like yourself needs to see."
He walked heroically through the trees. Mary-Sue crept along behind him, keeping out of his sight, not wanting to let him go on without her. Her enormous plump polystyrene packages heaved as she followed, shivering slightly in anticipation. [Insert character 4] stopped in a clearing, where the [insert standard foes] were waiting.
With cries of general evilness, [insert standard foes] charged on [insert character 4]. He stood his ground manfully/elf-fully/dwarf-fully/other- fully, his [insert weapon] killing large numbers of the [insert standard foes]. However, their superior numbers were too overwhelming, and Mary-Sue could only watch in horror as [insert character 4], her one true love, was savagely murdered before her beautiful eyes.
"Oh, [insert character 4]!" she exclaimed, running forward. The [insert standard foes] turned tail and ran, terrified by the giant bouncing beach balls that Mary-Sue took everywhere with her. Ignoring them, she knelt by the lifeless body of her one true love, [insert character 4].
Her tears ran down her face, marring it not. She was still beautiful in her grief, as [insert character 4] was still handsome in his death. She held him in her arms, weeping bitterly as the rain started to fall. She didn't seem to notice the downpour as it soaked her, plastering her clothes to her body and outlining her curves. Eventually she went back to [insert location], still sorrowful.
She remained distraught for many decades/years/months/weeks/days/hours/minutes/seconds/nanoseconds. Her life was incomplete without her true love. After [insert amount of time as specified above], she decided to do something about it. She couldn't live without a love, no [insert race] could. She went to see a wizard/used her own magic powers.
"Bring back my true love!" she pleaded/commanded.
There were some really cheesy magical effects. A plume of smoke rose from the ground, accompanied by multicoloured flashes and tasteless rose petals. When the smoke cleared, Mary-Sue could see [insert character] standing there.
"[Insert character]!" she exclaimed. "So you're my one true love!"
She ran towards him, but suddenly there were more magical effects. Another plume of smoke appeared, inside which was [insert character 2].
"[Insert character 2]!" Mary-Sue exclaimed. "So I have two true loves!"
She turned to him, but was distracted by yet more flashes and bangs. These heralded the arrival of [insert character 3], who looked somewhat confused.
"[Insert character 3]!" exclaimed Mary-Sue, who was rapidly becoming quite overwhelmed. If this carries on, she thought, I'll have hot flushes. Her gigantic coleslaw pots heaved in anticipation.
Even more bangs and flashes filled the air, announcing the appearance of none other than (guess who) [insert character 4]. Mary-Sue looked around her true loves, all of them handsome and [insert adjective].
"But I don't know who to choose," she said somewhat forlornly, and then rather brighter, "maybe we should have a five-some?"
[Insert character], [insert character 2], [insert character 3] and [insert character 4] all looked at each other. There was a sudden energy in the air.
"We can't," [insert character {insert number}] said, "we've been changed by our deaths."
They all moved towards each other, grasping each other in their arms and kissing wildly. [Arrange pairings as preferred].
"You mean you're all gay?" Mary-Sue gasped, watching them with some interest.
There was no spoken answer, but the passionate sounds and fondlings of various [insert body parts] was reply enough. Mary-Sue's face lit up, as if powered by 100 watt bulbs.
"No longer shall I write about myself," she declared, her melons shrinking to normal size as she spoke, "I have been converted!
"I shall now write SLASH!"
The End.
There you go. The complete instructions on how to write an LOTR Mary-Sue in all its glory. Hope you enjoyed them. You know what to do if you did. (Hint: Review button is just down there). Thanks to all for reading.
The Extra Super-Special Happy Bonus Chapter will be up soon!
Chapter 7: Final Chapter or The End Of Mary-Sue
Disclaimers: All characters included, apart from Mary-Sue, belong to Tolkien, not that they're named or anything. I just do it for the reviews. I'm not ashamed. Call me what you will, a review whore, a review junkie, I don't care. Just help me feed my habit, or even my rabbit, please! And yes, this is the last chapter, so love and death galore. I decided that [insert character 4] had been hanging around for too long.
The scream echoed in the suddenly deserted streets. Mary-Sue looked fearfully around, clutched in [insert character 4]'s manly/elfly/dwarven/hobbitly/orcly/otherly arms. Her eyes grew wide, making them even more beautiful. She stared between the trees, trying to see what the horrifying sound had been caused by.
"Wait here, Mary-Sue, my dearest heart," [insert character 4] said, stepping forward bravely. He drew his [insert weapon].
Where did that [insert weapon] come from, Mary-Sue wondered, I thought he was just pleased to see me. Aloud, she said, "Be careful, my darling."
[Insert character 4] ventured into the strange forest. The trees loomed over him, dark and foreboding. He glanced around heroically, until he saw the crumpled form of [insert b****] lying on the forest floor. Her guts were spilled out on the mossy ground, her face frozen in an expression of terror. [Insert character 4] drew back in horror, but forced himself to look closer.
"She's been murdered by [insert standard foes]," he said quietly, "I may not have really loved her, but it's a horrible way to die."
"Could they still be around?" Mary-Sue asked tremulously, her perfect lower lip caught attractively between her perfect white teeth.
"Maybe," [insert character 4] said, glancing around, "I'll go and look. Stay here, this isn't the sort of thing that a beautiful girl like yourself needs to see."
He walked heroically through the trees. Mary-Sue crept along behind him, keeping out of his sight, not wanting to let him go on without her. Her enormous plump polystyrene packages heaved as she followed, shivering slightly in anticipation. [Insert character 4] stopped in a clearing, where the [insert standard foes] were waiting.
With cries of general evilness, [insert standard foes] charged on [insert character 4]. He stood his ground manfully/elf-fully/dwarf-fully/other- fully, his [insert weapon] killing large numbers of the [insert standard foes]. However, their superior numbers were too overwhelming, and Mary-Sue could only watch in horror as [insert character 4], her one true love, was savagely murdered before her beautiful eyes.
"Oh, [insert character 4]!" she exclaimed, running forward. The [insert standard foes] turned tail and ran, terrified by the giant bouncing beach balls that Mary-Sue took everywhere with her. Ignoring them, she knelt by the lifeless body of her one true love, [insert character 4].
Her tears ran down her face, marring it not. She was still beautiful in her grief, as [insert character 4] was still handsome in his death. She held him in her arms, weeping bitterly as the rain started to fall. She didn't seem to notice the downpour as it soaked her, plastering her clothes to her body and outlining her curves. Eventually she went back to [insert location], still sorrowful.
She remained distraught for many decades/years/months/weeks/days/hours/minutes/seconds/nanoseconds. Her life was incomplete without her true love. After [insert amount of time as specified above], she decided to do something about it. She couldn't live without a love, no [insert race] could. She went to see a wizard/used her own magic powers.
"Bring back my true love!" she pleaded/commanded.
There were some really cheesy magical effects. A plume of smoke rose from the ground, accompanied by multicoloured flashes and tasteless rose petals. When the smoke cleared, Mary-Sue could see [insert character] standing there.
"[Insert character]!" she exclaimed. "So you're my one true love!"
She ran towards him, but suddenly there were more magical effects. Another plume of smoke appeared, inside which was [insert character 2].
"[Insert character 2]!" Mary-Sue exclaimed. "So I have two true loves!"
She turned to him, but was distracted by yet more flashes and bangs. These heralded the arrival of [insert character 3], who looked somewhat confused.
"[Insert character 3]!" exclaimed Mary-Sue, who was rapidly becoming quite overwhelmed. If this carries on, she thought, I'll have hot flushes. Her gigantic coleslaw pots heaved in anticipation.
Even more bangs and flashes filled the air, announcing the appearance of none other than (guess who) [insert character 4]. Mary-Sue looked around her true loves, all of them handsome and [insert adjective].
"But I don't know who to choose," she said somewhat forlornly, and then rather brighter, "maybe we should have a five-some?"
[Insert character], [insert character 2], [insert character 3] and [insert character 4] all looked at each other. There was a sudden energy in the air.
"We can't," [insert character {insert number}] said, "we've been changed by our deaths."
They all moved towards each other, grasping each other in their arms and kissing wildly. [Arrange pairings as preferred].
"You mean you're all gay?" Mary-Sue gasped, watching them with some interest.
There was no spoken answer, but the passionate sounds and fondlings of various [insert body parts] was reply enough. Mary-Sue's face lit up, as if powered by 100 watt bulbs.
"No longer shall I write about myself," she declared, her melons shrinking to normal size as she spoke, "I have been converted!
"I shall now write SLASH!"
The End.
There you go. The complete instructions on how to write an LOTR Mary-Sue in all its glory. Hope you enjoyed them. You know what to do if you did. (Hint: Review button is just down there). Thanks to all for reading.
The Extra Super-Special Happy Bonus Chapter will be up soon!