I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemon, blood, strong language and more, may be a bit
AU. Duo's POV.
Mission
by solange channonix
Part III
I slumped down to the floor and breathed hard, with eyes squeezed shot to keep the tears that began stinging under my eyelids there, I couldn't cry in front of him, not again. I could feel his eyes on me, observing me closely, then I heard him leaving.
" I'm going to get Deathscythe ready for this. Enjoy your last morning." He said just before going away. There was no mockery in his voice, nothing like that, even a bit of sad warmth.
Now I at least knew, he had been forced to do this, they had told him
to, he had had no other choice but to comply. He hadn't wanted to hurt
me that badly himself. But it wasn't making things much better. He had
raped me and forced me to go on a suicidal mission, or had his mentors
done it through his hands ? Anyway, I was hurt, I had to have some deep
internal wounds that were still bleeding and hurting like hell, and I was
going to die today. I wiped out the tears stinging under my eyelids. I
didn't want to die. I... I considered it as a possibility, of course, I
was fighting in a war after all and I knew that who kills should except
to get killed himself, but... I thought that if I would die it would be
fast and sudden death, like of a gunshot or something, that I wouldn't
suffer much and have too much time to think, I acknowledged also the possibility
of falling in the hands of OZ and then my death could be slow and painful
but... at least I wouldn't have to be the one pulling the trigger of the
gun aimed at my own heart, or pushing the self-destruction button of Deathscythe
equipped with middle power atomic missile. It was the worst part, that
I would have to do this, worse than dying itself. But I had no other choice,
I couldn't not to go, I knew that Heero hadn't been kidding about raping
me till I would have changed my mind. I didn't have to be very efficient
to complete that mission. It wasn't anything of a great precision. All
I had to do was to keep conscious and have force left to push the button,
they hadn't need of much more from me. So they could let Heero... No...
I didn't want to think about it. It was decided, it was over. I wasn't
going to be raped ever again. I had only that one day left after all. I
crawled slowly onto Heero's bed and slipped under his sheets. I wondered
where he had gone wearing nothing... Probably only to the bathroom, so
he was going to be back soon. Anyway, it was none of my concern. I bet
he was going to let me stay in his bed for that day, I was almost sure.
He was expressing kind of compassion towards me, in his own cold, distant
way. But he did. It was weird. How could someone have raped me and sent
me to death and show compassion towards me about that almost at the same
time ? Heero was weird, but I thought I had learned to understand him,
had learned to love him. Anyway, all of that had no meaning at the moment,
all was over. Over... My short life was approaching its all too soon end,
and my death was worth whole my life. It all just fitted together, so what
was there to worry about ? Why was I crying ? Must be the pain...
Heero's POV:
I went out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel and headed back to the room, our room. I regretted I hadn't just gotten the clothes with me before. Then I wouldn't have to be coming back there now. I didn't want to face Duo again. I knew some, well, most, if not all people I knew may think I was emotionless and cold, and maybe I could stand seeing and doing more things than they did, maybe a lot more, but I had limits, just as they did. And looking into those violet eyes full of tears of pain and betrayal was out of those limits. I really wondered now why I had even raped him, why hadn't I said no at the end. But it wasn't something possible for me, to refuse a mission, I had been trying to change it, but at the end I couldn't have just said no. There was just no way I could do this, I didn't know why. And so I had done it and now all was over, done, spoiled, fucked up or whatever you wish to call it. I had changed ever so cheerful, always maniacally smiling Duo Maxwell into sobbing mass. Maybe I should have been proud of myself, I had my control over him, I could tell him to go and kill himself and he was going to comply, just as J could do with me. But it didn't feel good. I had wanted... I had wanted before something else with him, despite that he really had been annoying me to no end with that endless chatter, I had wanted... I had considered him as kind of... Damn, I couldn't even put it into words, I didn't know such words, I didn't really need them so they hadn't learned me. Or maybe it wasn't their fault at all. Maybe only mine. All I knew was that I wanted him to stay near me, chatter, joke, complain, annoy me, drool into me when he thought I wasn't looking, and that I wanted to be only one who was allowed to listen to his chatter, to be annoyed by him, to braid his hair for him, to look at him like that, and that I felt ready to kill whoever was looking at him like that himself, his eyes lingering at his rear, and that I would have gone and changed into bloody mass whoever would have done to him what I had done last night. Despite the consequences. I hadn't have any desire to make him mine in that way, to dominate him sexually, I had just wanted him to stay who he had been, nothing more, and I had hoped that as long as the war continued he would stay, and then, if we both would have been hopefully alive, I would have done something, maybe just that, become his lover, to keep him near me. I would have... Because he wasn't going to live through the war. Because I had killed him in one of the worst ways possible. They had told me to, but I had done it, it was my fault, my sin, I was the bastard that had betrayed his friend in such a sickening way. It was only my fault. And as soon as the war was going to end I was going to punish myself for this.
I was standing by the closed door to our room for some time now, trying to pick any sounds coming from inside. All that could be heard was steady, even breathing, ending sometimes in soft sobs. I bet he had fallen asleep again. I opened the door and stepped inside, trying to be as quiet as possible. I picked my clothes and put it on quickly, and I was going to leave, but I couldn't stop myself from coming to look at him before. He had been asleep in my bed, wrapped tightly in my sheets, getting red where it was in contact with his rear, curled into small ball, his long hair covering his face completely. But it was obvious he was crying anyway. He was trembling, and whimpering softly like a hurt child. He had to be in pain. Six hours after, he was still bleeding. What had I done to him ? I hadn't wanted it to end like that. I had been supposed to hurt him, but never that bad. I hadn't wanted to, things had just slipped out of my control, with him thrashing and with me getting kind of sick pleasure from what I had been doing, and wanting more, wanting for it to be mind-blowing enough to make me forget about what I had been really doing, and to whom.
" I'm sorry, Duo." I whispered before turning around and going away.
I knew what little meaning had me being sorry right then. I wasn't stupid.
But I had to say it. And I had to leave right after because if I would
have stayed there a second longer I could have lost my control, for the
first time from so many years I actually felt it could happen, and having
it no more I would have dragged him to a doctor, put him into the hospital
under false name, left him there and disappeared from his life along with
his Gundam, excluding him from the soldiers fighting in that damned war.
Doing this, I would have failed my mission... Something I couldn't get
myself to do, despite the consequences. So staying there a second longer
I would have just gone crazy. I had to go away.
The sun was setting. I could see it through the opened gate to the hangar. Maybe I was a bit careless leaving it open, but not too much, the whole area as such was save, and beside that most of OZ was gathered in Vilnius anyway. The sunset was beautiful, I rather registered it as a fact than really admired it, but it was. It wasn't righteous that the day Duo was going to die was so beautiful. He would regret more that he was going away. I felt weird, empty inside, I supposed I was empty inside most the time as I wasn't experiencing and feeling much things, but only now it was painful. I had just realized that something inside me was snapped, destroyed, all that years ago, something almost all other people around me had, and I had had myself once, but hadn't anymore. I was empty, I had almost no feelings at all, I was like a machine, no feelings, hopes, barriers, conscience, no weaknesses, and only one all consuming thought - I have to complete my mission, and once it's completed get another one, and so it goes, and there is nothing beside it. I was able to do everything if it was a part of completing a mission, normal people weren't. They had their feelings, their morality, their conscience, their experiences, their upbringing and education, their religion, their beliefs, that were stopping them from doing certain things. They could say that they wouldn't do certain thing, I could only say that I wouldn't unless it wouldn't be a part of mission. Most of them divided things into good and bad, I divided things into those concerned and not by my missions. I was able to do everything... commit every sin... I had raped Duo and was going to send him to death. I had done it to my only friend. I was a monster.
I reached back for my tools and bend over Deathscythe's revealed electronic
devices. After attaching the missile to it, which had taken me few hours
of hard work in Wing, mostly because of its weight, lack of space in the
small hangar and required precision of whole operation, I had linked the
controls of the missile to Deathscythe's electronic systems, and now all
that needed to be done was to link it with the self-destruction button
through the self-destruction operating device, so it would fire as well
after pushing it. I needed another few hours of pointless sitting and looking
at the sky to feel ready to do this, and I still didn't feel ready. But
I had to do it now, else Duo would be late at Vilnius and other pilots
there would anticipate. I needed to do this right now. It was easy, to
link the cable from the missile controls to the unit and then solder it,
technically it was easy, and if I hadn't that knowledge what this cable
and device were I would have done it in no more than a minute, but... Just
to think what would have happened if I didn't do that, or did it wrong...
Missile wouldn't have fired, and Duo could be able to live through just
the self-destruction. No... It was stupid thing to do, Duo most likely
would have been dead anyway, mission never completed, war never won. I
shook my head to deny my thoughts and took the cable into my fingers, it
was really time to link it to that unit. But what if... No... I linked
it and soldered it. But... I couldn't go away, new idea that had appeared
in my mind didn't let me. What if, by the chance, I would have pulled the
unit a bit too hard to get an easier access to it in order to link it with
the cable from missile controls, and on the other side of it, its connection
with the self-destruction button in the cabin had failed ? What if I helped
the luck and disconnected it myself ? There would have been no way to tell
for sure that I had done it, such things happen, nothing is perfect, even
connection in the electronic system of a Gundam can fail. And if just that
connection failed right now not only the missile wouldn't have fired but
also the self-destruction wouldn't have run. Duo would have gone to Vilnius,
pushed the button, but nothing would have happened. Mission wouldn't be
complete but that would seem like no one's fault, just the ill luck. Things
like that happen, I couldn't have helped if it would have really happened
by chance, no one would have blamed me, no one was going to blame me. Duo
was never going to forgive me what I had done already to him, but he would
be alive, and it was all that mattered. I reached for the cable coming
from the button to the self-destruction unit, with atomic missile controls
linked to it, and pulled on it till the connection gave way. I didn't have
to pull much and hard. It made whole situation with pulling it out by chance
way more probable. I left that cable there, hanging limply, and put the
cover on. Then I came down to the ground carrying the tools, left them
in the toolbox and went to get Duo. I had just failed a mission. I felt
more human than ever before.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for reviews to all ! Especially diane.
And of course, that's not the end of the story.