I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemon, blood, strong language and more, may be a bit
AU, rape in this chapter ! Duo's POV (at least most the time)
Mission
by solange channonix
Part VI
I tried to stop him, I fought
him the best I could, but I bet he had been always better in hand-to-hand
fighting, and I had run out of practice. Before I had time to react in
any way, yet alone defend, I was lying on my back on his bed, pinned under
his dead-weight, my wrists viciously crushed under the both of us in the
steel like grip of his hand, the gun plunged into my mouth. No way to scream,
to escape, to stop him. All I could do was to look up at him, with a plea
in my eyes. Fuck, I had trusted him, we had been friends and partners in
war, how could I not to ? How could I except him to be able to... What
Heero had done to me all those years ago had been bad, but lying there,
sprawled under Wufei, I got to remember that he had raped me kissing me
gently and whispering he had loved me and not once hit me. I remembered
that getting first blow to my face, first and not the last. What had I
done to deserve it ?! What ?! I had asked myself that question over and
over again as the gun plunged deeper down my throat, strangling me, as
another blows to my face and punches to my stomach came after he sprained
both my shoulders and made them useless, getting his other hand free. He
got us both out of clothes soon enough and with the first thrust came the
realization, that he was doing this to kill, and if I wasn't going to do
something soon I was going to die there. But the pain, all too well known
for me, pain coming as the blades slipping into my flesh all the way up
my spine and exploding in my brain as waves of something white and blinding,
stopping every thought for a moment, made it impossible to do anything.
He didn't stop beating me, getting few things in my face broken and bleeding,
blood making my vision red, and mixing with tears, that began flowing freely
down my cheeks at some point. My supposed-to-be friend, one of the three
people I considered my family after the war... I hadn't done anything wrong
to him, ever, I had been always trying to be nice, to reach out to him,
I hadn't deserved this ! Why was he doing this to me ? I saw no reason.
I bet he hadn't a mission, I bet that this time it was really happening
for the other part's sick pleasure. Once again, like all those years ago,
blood flowed down my thighs from my tattered inner walls, and my torment
wasn't stopping, for so long. His fist collided with my chin for the last
time, I coughed out a bit of blood, weird haze filling my mind. Even the
pain began to fade, my vision spinning wildly from side to side. Slowly,
I was slipping out of the consciousness, slowly the darkness enveloped
me and I accepted it. Maybe I was dying, maybe not... I wasn't giving a
fuck, what was point in living anyway in living if THIS was going to happen
again, sooner or later. As long as there was no one to defend me from this,
there was no point in living. Heero had left me, after doing THIS to me
himself, and he was only one person I could imagine taking care of me.
There was no point in living, if living meant facing this pain again, and
if is had happened twice, it was going to happen again. It was what they
all wanted from me, those who were dragging me to bathrooms in bars, looking
at me like if I was a prey. I preferred to die than see such look again,
now knowing what THEY meant. With another thrust came more realizations...
Heero... He could have raped me to please himself as well... There had
supposed to be a mission, but... When I was thinking about it then I realized
that really he could have just try to make me believe in it to explain
himself, it could have been a lie, after all in the end nothing had happened.
There was a bit of craziness in stealing an atomic missile and sending
me to Vilnius with it in order to cover such things, but... It could have
been that. My life was really falling apart, if it was what Wufei intended
to do and what he enjoyed so much, he was doing this well. I just prayed
he would kill me in the end, so I wouldn't have to suffer living with all
that knowledge... How I wanted to die... Not to feel the pain anymore,
not have to look at the world through the red surface of my blood, never
again being betrayed or used. Both times, there were friends that were
raping me, but only because no one beside my partners from war was strong
enough to put me down, and only them I trusted enough to let my defenses
almost all down in their presence. That made it both worse and better.
Worse because of the betrayal, better because only thanks to that it happened
only twice. And even third time would have been enough for me to lose my
mind, I just knew that. I wasn't going to stand any more of this. I opened
my eyes for the last time and forced myself to look at Wufei's face, trying
to get some focus. He was looking... content, he was smiling, his black
eyes shining... At least I made someone happy... I closed my eyes before
some more of the tears could slip from under my eyelids. When I was passing
out, somehow, I didn't feel the pain anymore at all, and the blood on my
body felt just like water would have. I was past the point of caring of
what was happening to me, I relaxed and let him do to my body whatever
he wished, while my soul left it. I hoped that forever...
But I was back. Mere awareness was painful. There was no part of my body that didn't hurt, most was soaked in liquid or dried blood, I could feel it, and I could smell the scent of blood, intense in the air. I wanted to see what was happening, but I was too weak even to open my eyes. But I was alive, nonetheless, he hadn't killed me... I heard a sound of something being zipped somewhere close. Wufei ? Was I still there ? I forced my eyes open and getting all my strength, took my head slightly up to see more. The pressure put on my sprained shoulders made the pain explode in them, I hissed, and at the sound he turned to me. I was still in Wufei's bedroom, but he wasn't with me anymore, he was standing few yards away, with his pants already on and dressing in his shirt. Then I... I didn't know from where I took enough of mental strength to look his straight in the eyes, with cold, steady look, like if he hadn't shattered anything in me, but I did, I did give him the same look that the God of the Death in me had given all my victims before, and the cold pressure of little crucifix made by own hands of black Gundamium, all those years ago, just before we had destroyed our mobile suits, helped me to keep my gaze locked with his. And there were his eyes that were haunted, not mine.
" Why did you do this to me ?" I asked softly, still keeping our gazes locked.
He wasn't going to answer, I knew, but I wanted to see the look in his eyes. And I saw it, terrible realization flashing in them, just before he reached for his gun, put it to his mouth and fired. Before I managed to close my eyes I saw the bullet coming right through the skull, and the brain...
I screamed then, though I wasn't aware of what I was screaming, maybe
nothing coherent, as tears filled my eyes but wouldn't flow, just gathering
under my eyelids, stinging... Had I killed him with that last look ? Maybe
he wouldn't have done it if I wouldn't... My screams alarmed others...
and almost immediately after Trowa unhinged the door.
Trowa's POV:
What I saw in Wufei's bedroom, in the dim light of the night lamp, was the scene from my worst nightmares concerning my fellow ex-pilots. Duo was lying sprawled on the bed, naked and seriously wounded, blood flowing down his thighs in thick rivulets, and his face... His once beautiful face was covered in blood completely, bangs plastered to his forehead, lips trembling with effort that caused him catching the breath, huge violet eyes full of unshed tears, and was maybe the worst, shadowed. The light, that was ever-present in them, the light that was his love of life, went out, and I felt dull pain in my chest at the realization. I heard Quatre rushing downstairs after me, I shut the door to block the view and turned to him.
" Go away ! I don't want you here !"
" Why ?" He asked, worry filling his blue eyes... blue eyes, with not even a shade of violet to them...
" Just stay away, Quatre. Go to call ambulance." I said softer.
He opened his mouth to ask about what had happened, but closed it and rushed down the corridor.
I turned, taking the gun out this time and unblocking it before I opened the door and stepped in. I moved to rush to Duo's side, but he spoke before I approached, though it was unbelievable that he was even still aware of his surroundings.
" First him, Trowa. I am not dying." He said softly.
Him ? Wufei ? I looked down following Duo's eyes and only then noticed Wufei's body lying still in the pool of blood and brain that had run out of his crushed skull. Crushed by a bullet, it looked for me. I kicked him in the side, getting the corpse to turn on its back. It seemed that he had fired a gun inside his mouth. I bet he would have preferred to commit regular harakiri, just hadn't any appropriate weapon with him. I kneeled down to check on the pulse though it was already obvious that he was dead. So I stood up and went to Duo. He looked up at me, like if he excepted an answer to a question.
" He's dead." I said. And why did you care, Duo ?
He just tried to nod. I shook my head. He shouldn't move in his conditions, it would even have been better if he was unconscious, but I couldn't just give him a blow to his neck, it wasn't what he needed from me right now. But what did he need ? Reassurance ? Words ? First aid ? Compassion ? I bet he wanted to die, and I bet he thought no one was able to understand what he felt. These feelings weren't alien to me, I had experienced them myself every time just after. So I chose to be silent and after wrapping him in the sheets just held his hand, not putting too much pressure in order not to hurt him more. He wasn't looking at me anymore, but I could understand this as well. All he wanted at the moment was to disappear, I knew it. But I wasn't going to let him die, I believed he could live through it, as I had. But, really, what was the point in living for him if he wasn't ever going to be the same ? He was already dead, with the light in his violet eyes... How could I have let it happen ? How had it happened anyway ? We should have heard something, screams, noises, if Wufei would have dragged him to his bedroom, and beside that, Wufei wouldn't have even done it like that, I was sure about it. Duo had had to provoke him to somehow unconsciously provoke him... Had he came to his bedroom on his own ? But how had it happened, that to this shot that hadn't made the slightest of noises ? How ?! I had been lying awake upstairs whole the time and I hadn't heard anything. How the fuck had that happened ?! And what else could I have done to prevent this than lie there awake and listen ? I couldn't have sat at Duo's door with a gun in one hand and a knife in other if I had been trying to save some sense of normality among us. I couldn't have done nothing more ! But I had failed, nonetheless... Knowing what could have happened, I had been so damned careless !
" Tro ?" Duo's weak, silent voice slipped me out of my reverie. " Are you... blaming... yourself ? Did you know... as well ?" He said softly, blood sipping from his mouth.
What had he meant by `you knew as well` ?
" Shh... You shouldn't talk, Duo... Try to fall asleep, don't force yourself to stay awake, fall asleep. When you'll wake up, everything's going to be better."
" Wu's dead..." He whimpered softly.
Why did he care ?
" Shh..." I soothed him, my other hand reaching to play with his braid.
Something I had wanted to do from so long... He forced blank smile up at
me, just before his eyes closed and breathing steadied. He blacked out.
I let his impossibly long braid slip out from between my fingers before
leaning down to kiss just the top of his head. I bet that he was going
to need me more than Quatre in the following weeks, if not months and years...
Duo's POV:
I woke up again. I knew somehow that I wouldn't be in Wufei's bedroom anymore, that a lot time had passed since the last time I had been awake, days, maybe weeks. I felt stiff and weak. Anesthetics ? I had the feeling of being wrapped in bandages, so most likely I was in a hospital. I didn't really wish to open my eyes to see white walls and ceiling, and some machines hooked up to me. I tried to black out again, but... I felt something soft and sweet brushing my lips, and heard Quatre's voice, just above my head.
" Hi, Duo... How it's going ?"
Had he... I shrugged the thought off and smiled at him, slowly opening my eyes. I met his bright blue gaze in the closest proximity ever, his eyes widening in disbelief.
" You're awake ?"
" Yeah... And I'm fine, Quat..." I said softly.
He smiled back, a bit shyly, pink tint coming to his pale cheeks.
" Help me take my head higher." I asked.
He nodded and put more pillows under my head and shoulders, so I was half-sitting. I was completely stiff, not only because of the anesthetics that was plumped right to my veins, but also because of the plasters my ribs and both arms were put into. All I could move were my hand's fingers and legs, rest was immobilized. My God, it had never been that bad with me before...
Quatre finished his work of sitting me up comfortably and sat himself on the edge of the bed, now smiling gently like he tended to, confusion forgotten. He assumed I hadn't felt...
" So, how long am I here ?" I asked, once again shrugging the thought off. Maybe I had my law to be a bit uncomfortable with other male touching me, especially in that way, but Quatre was just... other thing...
" Over a week."
" How long am I going to be ?"
He hesitated before answering, but did in the end.
" Three weeks, maybe a month."
I sighed. I couldn't help it. I looked around the room, it was single, quite comfortable, nicely decorated, and walls weren't white at all. They were light shade of orange, as the sheets, curtains and flowers on the night table.
" And you're paying for this."
" That's not that big of a deal." He said immediately.
I wasn't going to argue, he wasn't going to stop paying for my stay in the nicest room in the hospital anyway, he just was like that. Rich people... I would never get to understand them...
" Wufei's dead ?" I asked, though I did remember him killing himself, and I knew that it was true, no matter how much I wanted all of this to be just a bad dream. I shook my head, trying to block more memories from that night, trying to keep the knowledge that THIS had happened again away from me, if only for a while longer, till Quatre wouldn't leave, at least. He was too fragile to see me breaking down, he wouldn't have stood this.
" Yes, he suici..."
" I know." I snapped him seeing his blue eyes fill with pain as he spoke. But I needed to know.
" What happened to him... after ? I mean, where did you bury him ?"
Quatre shook his blond head.
" We didn't. Police took him."
" Just like that ?" I asked bitterly. I saw the shocked expression in his eyes, he wondered why I cared. I... I honestly didn't know... I just thought it wasn't just for him, to be abandoned like that by all his friends in the end, no matter what he had done. It hadn't been really him that had raped me. I knew it, I could feel it back then, I had seen it in his eyes. There had been some demons that had been hunting him, that had made him do this. I had had a feeling that he hadn't wanted this, that something had been making him do this, despite his will. That look in his black eyes, then, just before... obsession... Had I unconsciously done it to him ? Was it what I was making them all feel, all those who were looking at me with longing and hunger in their eyes ? Was I turning them all crazy, just like that, with mere look, with my presence ? I couldn't stand the thought. I had made my friend suffer and kill himself... But I hadn't meant to... and I had suffered and was going to suffer enough to redeem my sin, and I had wanted to join him in death... Did I still want this, to die ? No. I felt the fear of death again. Maybe it was even helping me somehow... that Wufei was gone after doing THIS, unlike Heero... How could I think like that ?
" Duo..." Said Quatre softly, getting my attention. " Do you want me to leave now ? You want to see Trowa ? He's out there." He pointed at the door.
" Yes." I answered to both questions. Trowa... I... needed someone's
presence beside me, I was going to go crazy if they would have left me
alone, and in Trowa's presence I wasn't going to have to restrain myself,
I knew somehow that he was going to understand whatever I was going to
do, and that he was going to take it well enough, and I still had questions,
Quatre wasn't one to answer. So he stood up and left, smiling brightly
to me from the doorway. I stayed alone... I didn't want to be alone ! Me
was scary at the moment, I didn't want to be left alone, no, please ! Memories
came flowing back, of the both times mixed together... I thought I had
been through with reminding myself first time I had been raped, but no
! I had found new meaning to it, I had finally understood, Heero had done
this to use me for his own pleasure... God, please... I wasn't going to
stand much of it, as much as I feared death and suicide, I feared the life
that was awaiting me more... I remembered IT, like if it was happening
right then, I felt every bit of pain, and every drop of blood... everything,
was so real... I began to cry, and I would have most likely put my face
in my hands, but I hadn't hands, my both arms were in plasters... I would
most likely hide my face behind the curtain of my hair... my hair ? wait...
my hair ?! Just then I realized that my braid was nowhere to be seen nor
felt... They had cut my hair... all the memories that were linked with
it... it all was taken away from me... How much more could I even stand
losing ? Why had they done it ?! How could Trowa and Quatre let them ?!!
Why ?!!! I broke into tears at this point, over the loss of my braid, over
everything it was for me, and over the loss of everything else in my life,
given to me for a moment and taken away, leaving me once again having nothing,
like back then, when I had found myself having no name, home nor parents,
on a shuttle that had been flying somewhere, and which is the oldest memory
I have... Now I was just like then, alone, having nothing and slowly losing
the last thing that had left me, myself...
Trowa's POV:
So he had woke up, finally, over a week after. Quatre had been there when he had regained consciousness, they had talked and then Quatre had stormed out of the room with his blue eyes widened in shock. I hadn't asked what had happened, just gotten in myself after he had said Duo wanted to see me. He could be in quite bad shape, I acknowledged the possibility, and I wasn't shocked when I saw him sitting there and crying, with lips clenched in order to muffle the sobs, and trickle of blood flowing down his chin from bitten lip. He was looking miserable, him, that always laughed, crying, put in plasters, beaten, bruised, with his hair short, but despite that all, he was still beautiful.
" Duo..." I said softly to get his attention.
He opened his eyes, squeezed shut before, and looked up at me. As I feared, his violet eyes were shaded, and painfully empty, if filled with anything, then only fear, growing as I began approaching. But I didn't stop, even seeing his futile attempts to get away, to hide, to disappear. I reached for a cloth and wiped his face clean of tears and blood, then soaked it in cold water, which full bowl was standing beside the bed, and put it to his bitten lip. We had been using both items before, to ease the pain that had been causing all the injuries on his face, only now slowly healing. I took the cloth away only as bleeding stopped. He shivered viscously under my touch when I reached my hand then to brush fresh tears away. He couldn't stand contact...
" Duo, look at me."
His eyes were squeezed shut, and he turned his head away from my hand and from me. At my words, he opened his eyes slowly, but turned to look up at me only when I took my hand away. Violet eyes were filled with irrational fear.
" I'm your friend. I wouldn't do anything wrong to you. I won't hurt you."
He took few deep, steady breaths, slowly regaining some measure of control over himself.
" And how could I know that ?" He asked bitterly. " Both times, there were friends that did THIS to me."
Both times ? I sat back on the edge on the bed.
" But I won't do this." I said firmly.
He shook his head. I wasn't going to argue, as for now.
" You mean it happened once before Wufei ?"
" I don't want to talk about it."
" Just tell me when."
" No."
" Tell me. Before the war ?"
" No."
" So, during it ?"
He opened his mouth to deny, but closed it. He didn't lie. During the war then... Who ? I could get to know probing him like that, but did I honestly want to know ? Did I really need to know ? Before I reflected on it, one thought subdued my mind... Another pilot, another friend, that had been looking at Duo like that, like Wufei...
" Heero ?"
He looked up at me, with weird, half-frightened, half-menacing look. He didn't want me to know, he didn't want anyone to know, I could understand. I had never let anyone know myself. But he hadn't denied, one more time. So it was true. Heero had done it to him before. A lot things got clear for me. Not only hungry look in Heero's eyes whenever he had been looking at Duo thinking no one had been paying attention, but also sudden... coldness between them, which had started at some point and continued to the end of the war. We all had assumed back then that they had had to have a fight or something, but most likely, it had been that. Second time... It had to be worse for him than I had previously assumed. Two times raped by a friend, he was most likely beginning to believe that all people that were friendly to him, that seemed to want him in any way, were capable of doing this to him. I had come to that realization as well, after few first times. I needed to prove him wrong, or he wasn't going to let anyone close anymore. He was going to create impenetrable barriers and turn as cold and reserved as some of us, something I couldn't let happen. Something I had to prevent. I had to save Duo Maxwell, for my own sake as well, I wanted to be for him that someone I had dreamed of meeting once myself, someone that would defend me from this, stop the nightmare. Someone that had never appeared in my life and it was maybe why I had lost all I didn't want Duo to lose. Something that still was in him, just buried under thin layer of shock and fear, something I needed to get back to surface, in order to save him.
" You want to ask me something ?"
He nodded.
" Will police want something from me ?"
I could tell he was terrified by the thought of being interrogated. But we had prevented it already. We had talked to the mister detective for so long that he had finally accepted that Wufei had done it and he was dead and that there was nothing more he could find.
" No."
Kind of relief appeared in his eyes. But they darkened again soon enough.
" What happened to my hair ?"
" You had an operation. They put your face back together from, mean it literally, bloody mess. Your hair would have complicated things, so we allowed doctors to cut them. And believe me, Duo, that's not the end of the world."
" You don't understand. Where is my crucifix ?"
" Here." I said getting piece of black Gundamium out of my pocket. " While you're in hospital, it's better for you not to have it on. That's Gundamium after all. Not everyone has it. Let's don't make you look suspicious. It'll get back to you as soon as you're out of here."
He nodded. For a long time, there was silence between us. I figured out he didn't need my presence anymore and turned to leave.
" Trowa ?"
" Yes ?" I turned from the doorway.
" I don't want to be alone."
I nodded, coming back to sit on the chair next to the bed.
" I don't want to be alone anymore, ever." He whispered. " Don't leave
me, Tro."
Duo's POV:
Following weeks were a blur for me. I didn't know
why I had asked Trowa to stay with me, I had asked a lot, and he had complied,
he had left Quatre for me. I didn't know why I had done it... Maybe because
he was my only choice, there was no one beside him that I actually could
ask to take care of me and protect me. There was no love between us, of
course. At least not on my part, because I had figured out eventually that
he loved me, really did. And so we had broken Quatre's heart. But he had
accepted it soon enough, I thought he always had that feeling of lack of
stability in his bond with Trowa, and that had helped him to accept it,
us. Trowa was good for me, gentle, understanding, understanding to the
point... I think now that he had had to live through it himself, being
raped at some point in his life, to know so well what I felt. He had taken
care of me, spend all his time with me, listened to me, soothed me, sometimes
even talked a bit about himself. He was good for me, really, all the times
in the past when he had hurt me forgotten, and then, when I had finally
left the hospital, he had let me accompany him back to the circus. And
he didn't want nothing in return, almost nothing. He had gotten me to stop
fearing him, and once I had, he had begun to look for a physical closeness,
and I had let him, as my body was all I could give him in return for being
so good to me. I was like a doll, just lying there and letting him have
his way with me. Did I feel used then ? Not much, it was rather me that
used him, used his love, than him. But I did feel dirty. I was buying myself
a warm place to stay, someone's presence, closeness, gentleness and love,
for my body, I didn't want to, but I had no choice. I feared being alone,
I needed someone to protect me. I didn't know how that had happened that
I, God of the Death, had gotten to this point, but I was already there,
I feared, I couldn't help it and I needed someone to belong to because
it was giving me sense of security. I wasn't getting these looks when I
was going out with Trowa, his arm around my shoulders, then they were looking
at him, with jealousy and, sometimes, aggression, but not at me, at least.
I was weak. Yes. I was disgusted with myself, and I didn't stop thinking
about ending everything. My life had turned a mess. I had nightmares, worse
than after the war, I feared that it would happen again, I was losing myself,
and what I had with Trowa, however it was helping me, was not right, and
while making some things better, made other things worse. I had that feeling,
that I was getting lower and lower, and that sooner or later I wouldn't
be able to stand it anymore. However for other people everything could
have seemed all right. I lived with Trowa at the circus, so changed my
residence every few days, they hadn't gotten me any work yet, so I was
spending my days wandering around the cities we were in, accompanying Trowa
at his trainings and appearances, joking around with the others... Yes,
I had regained ability to slip my jester's mask on, yes, I had... but...
before, there really had been optimism and happiness behind it, just not
that much of optimism and happiness as it had made it look, especially
during the war, then, in the time of peace, I had begun to lose the feeling
of wearing a mask altogether, I had been really that happy back then, and
now... I was using it to make them all wrong about how I really felt, to
trick them, to lie to them... And they seemed to believe me, but, after
all, they hadn't known me before, they couldn't notice the difference,
but Tro... I couldn't forgive him for not noticing. But... I could understand
it... he was happy with me like that, he assumed I was happy too, simple
as that... He didn't want to notice, and to have to face the fact that
I was not happy with him just because he was with me, because I didn't
love him as he was trying to make himself believe I did. And I did not
want to really prove him wrong. He didn't deserve it. He was just good
for me.
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Thanks for reviews ! Especially to diane !