I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemon, blood, strong language and more, may be a bit
AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time)
Mission
by solange channonix
Part VII
Another day like that I got up around noon and after eating breakfast went to look for Trowa. He was practicing on the trapeze, and didn't seem to end anytime soon but I asked him anyway if he would accompany me to the walk around the city. He said he was going to be busy whole day, so if I wanted to I could go alone. I feared, but after another three hours of pointless sitting and watching acrobats do the same thing for the hundredth time I got bored and decided to go. I stood up, waved Trowa good-bye and headed to the city. I just wandered around for a long time, simply having nothing better to do, I had no need of buying anything or nothing, I even had no money. I was just walking to fill my time somehow. I watched shop windows, I even got inside few times, mindlessly watching all the things stored, having no interest in nothing anyway, I was sitting on a bench in a park for some time, watching people passing by. Few girls in school uniforms tried to flirt with me at the mall, and I met few guys in tight clothes that commented on my appearance loud enough for all people on the street to hear, but beside that I wasn't disturbed. Slowly, it was getting late and I got hungry, so I headed back to the circus. At some point I realized that someone was walking behind me, so I turned, only to see short guy dressed all in black leather. He stopped as well just behind me and flashed me wide grin, making lack of few teeth in his mouth apparent.
" See, you're just wandering around all alone, maybe I could keep you company. I can walk you home or something."
" I'm not from here." I said intending to go away.
" That's not that big of a deal, we could go to my place and have fun. What you think ?"
" I think that's not the best idea." I said resuming to walk away from him.
He didn't do nothing to stop me, at least not that this time. But it got me irritated anyway, I shoved my hands to the pockets of my black pants and fastened the pace. I wanted to go away from there, to come back to circus, to the safety, but I stopped dead in my tracks when something... something all too familiar, flashed in front of me. Brilliant Prussian blue eyes...
I turned immediately looking after the figure of young man with unruly brown hair. For a moment I could not force myself to speak, but I had to, My God, I had to. This was...
" Heero ?" I called in his direction.
He stopped dead in his tracks as well, and only after a while turned to me. This really was him... Intense gaze met mine, one his hand reaching to run through his hair. He was almost the same as when I had seen him for the last time, six years ago, yet so much different. He wasn't a boy I loved anymore, he was a man now. He was higher, seemed more mature, but his eyes were more open and less cold than back then. And he was still beautiful for me, and I could get used to the changes. Only then I realized his second arm was wrapped around slim waist of another young man, I bet younger than me, and... Guy was pretty, really, and beautiful, he had immense brilliant light green eyes, and long black hair falling on down his shoulders. Once I noticed him I was ready to leave. Heero had his own life after the war, I wasn't a part of anymore, and there was no point in trying to force myself in. We couldn't be close, after what he had done to me, and I bet he wouldn't want me having already someone like that guy he was with. I turned to leave and began to walk away.
" Duo, wait !"
He called after me, or rather gave me an order, and I stopped.
" You know him ? Who is he ?" Asked that guy who was with him.
" Old friend..." He answered looking at me, not at him. His eyes had really changed, lost that cold, absent and concentrated at the same time, look that was ever-present there during the war. There was also a sense of warmth in his voice. He had changed, but these were changes for better, and I couldn't except him to stay the same, considering how much I had changed myself, especially during the last few weeks.
I couldn't just stand there like that forever and stare at them, so I forced a wide smile and approached them, taking my hand out to Heero. He looked at me quizzically. I knew why. Throughout all those years, since that night, I hadn't let him touch me, not even once, not even brush me the slightest. But after a while he shook hands with me, putting maybe more pressure than necessary. His hand was calloused and rough, and I loved the feel of it.
" We need to talk." I said softly looking up at him, wait..., up ? How had that happened that Japanese had grown higher than me ?
He nodded and disentangled himself from his companion's embrace, took keys to an apartment out of his pocket and gave them to him with an absent look. It looked that they lived together, how could I force myself into this ? But yet again, did really something have to happen ? It was just my dream, that if I ever meet Heero again I would tell him how I had always felt about him, and we would end up together. Nothing like that really had to happen, we could spend that one afternoon talking about nothing and then never see each other again, or maybe call once a year. But I would be at least sure from now on that nothing bad had happened to him after the war and he was somewhere there, alive and happy. I needed that knowledge, and I was grateful for that meeting.
" Go home and wait for me, I would be back soon enough. We'll go for beer with Duo and talk about old times."
" You're sure he's just your friend ?" Asked the guy eyeing me suspiciously. " You know, he has that look..."
" Yes." Heero snapped him and began to go away.
I followed him shortly after. He was walking damned fast, like if he was running from something, I couldn't quite catch up to him. My recently crushed ribcage began to hurt and I had to stop at some moment, breathing slowly, unconsciously taking my hand to my chest.
He stopped as well, and turned to look at me, and... worry filled his eyes when he saw pained expression on my face, really, he cared for me. He was back, and he cared. I felt tears stinging under my eyelids, I was happy to see him again, maybe happier than I had been ever before, and I couldn't stand being so happy and wearing emotionless mask or false smile, I couldn't. I broke down into tears and he looked at me suspiciously, with concern still present in his dark blue eyes, and somehow I ended up crying in his embrace, with his strong arms wrapped around my frame, so much slimmer than his now, and my face buried in his shirt. I didn't believe anymore that he had done THIS to me to please him, I didn't believe that but I still had no clue either what had really happened then. Maybe I needed to ask, maybe it was what we really needed to do, talk, and not to hold anything back.
" What's wrong with you ?"
It would be appropriate to say `everything's fine` but I couldn't get myself to, I just whimpered something incoherent and then pulled away, wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.
" Let's go somewhere. You live here ? There's a nice park not far away." I said before pulling on his sleeve and getting him to follow me.
We got there in a few minutes and seeing all branches occupied, mostly by couples, I plumped down on the grass under the trees, and after a while of hesitation Heero followed suit.
" That's what I love on Earth. Enough space to waste it on places like that." I said lying down and staring up into the sky, surely blue, but not as blue as Heero's eyes. I felt good, better than I felt ever since Wufei... I shook my head, I really didn't need those thoughts, maybe it would have been better to just forget and start everything from the beginning. It wasn't that bad idea, all I really wanted to remember were Solo, Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, and my love for Heero, all good things in my life, the rest was shit. And from all those good things only love for Heero hadn't been eventually taken away from me, and I couldn't let myself lose it, I just couldn't. It was my only way to happiness, or even normalcy. I needed to take things in my hands and lose everything or gain a second chance. The moment had come.
" Where were you after the war ? We all tried to find you." I asked, sitting back up.
" I used money from OZ accounts. I was in a boarding college, then secret police."
" So you're fighting against people like us back then, during the war..." I sighed. " But it could be excepted. Where else can a person cease to exist ? "
He seemed a bit uncomfortable with what I said, but he couldn't deny that it was true.
" What about you ?"
" I wasn't hiding. Quatre supplied me with money, I ended college and went on a university. I studied theology. Every year four of us met at Quatre's mansion on L4. Whole the time, we hoped that you'll join us one day. Well... You never did. Over two months ago I ended university and we reunited to celebrate it and then..." Remember, Duo, you promised yourself not to hold anything back... I lowered my voice to silent whisper. "...and then... Wufei always had a thing for me, even more like..."
His eyes widened, and he unconsciously moved closer to hear better, since I was talking so softly.
"... he was obsessed with me, and when I came to his bedroom at night, to talk, just that, he couldn't hold on anymore and... he raped me, and then killed himself... I couldn't stop him, I don't know if you knew but he was Preventer, he had more practice, and he was stronger... you see, I didn't turn very... you know... I couldn't stop him, either from doing this to me nor killing himself..."
" I would have killed the bastard myself if he would have lived to this moment !"
I looked at him, startled by his outburst, but continued anyway, even softer.
" I was in hospital then, they needed over a month to put me back together. Still, I'm not fully healed. And then, I asked Trowa to... take care of me... and he did, though he had been with Quatre before..."
" You mean, you're Trowa's lover ?"
I nodded, noticing his fists clenching themselves to the point when knuckles turned white.
" What's wrong, Heero ?"
He shook his head, his jaw set too firmly to say `nothing`. What was affecting him so much ? Did he care so much about me ? I would have wanted him to, but...
" You know, Heero, I was being completely honest with you. Maybe I deserve it, too, after all."
" Back then, when I did this to you..."
I knew immediately what `this` meant.
"... I wasn't myself, J controlled me way more than I wished to be controlled. I... I regret what I did, really. After the war, I found him and met him again, and I killed him, for what he did to you by my hands. I suffered then, because of the chip planted to my brain by him, but finally I met the scientist that took it away. I've changed a lot since then."
" I see..." I said thoughtfully. What did mean what he had said ? He had tried to avenge me, in a way, he cared about me, but I couldn't jump to conclusions. However, things between us got clear and simple, like they had been once in the past, we were friends again. I smiled brightly at him, because I was genuinely happy, and decided to ask the question that bothered me maybe the most.
" That guy you were with is your boyfriend ? You live together ?"
I had to wait a while for an answer
" Kind of. We share a hotel room, I don't live here."
" How long are you together ?"
" Over a year."
At that moment, bright smile on my face changed back into just a facade. How could I have been so stupid as to think that Heero would... He had his own life, his lover, his work, I wasn't fitting there.
" See, Heero, I would have gladly talked more, but I have to run back to the circus. Tro has an appearance in an hour." I jumped to my feet, muttered `goodbye` and quickly turned to leave. I could feel that I was going to cry again, and I didn't want him to see my tears. He would have been disgusted with me. There had been times when I had never cried... These times were over... everything was over... I had done the last thing I needed to do in my life, repaired my friendship with Heero, had seen him again, now all was over, I wasn't going to stand even one more day of my life with Trowa. I wasn't going to go back to circus, there was a bridge on the way back... It was pitiful way to commit suicide, I knew, but... I didn't care what they were going to think of me, maybe I needed to finally stop caring about it... I began to walk away, slowly, then faster and faster, I was almost running away from there, until vicious pull on my arm didn't stop me and I met Prussian blue eyes' intense gaze again, Heero's face mere inches from mine. He pulled me up so my feet weren't even touching the ground and crushed me to himself in tight embrace.
" Do you really think I'm blind ? Do you really think that someone like you, that has his feelings written across his face could hide something like that ? There were few men in my life, but in every single one of them I was looking for you."
He had more hissed that than anything, like if he was really reprimanding me, but that didn't matter... I took my head the most up I could and looked at him closely. Still, I couldn't read him. I couldn't know if he meant what I thought he meant...
" Do you mean... ?"
" You know well enough what I mean, baka." He whispered before frantically
pressing his lips to mine. I gave in to him almost immediately, letting
him kiss me breathless...
I woke up ready to cry... over what I could never have...
I had found out yesterday that Heero was dead, killed just after the
end of the war.
I was not going to stand it, anymore of it, I was going to end it,
there really was a bridge in this city, on the way from circus to the park...
... and maybe I was going to meet him there...
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