I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language
and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV.
Mission
by solange channonix
Part VIII
I woke up to the blinding light piercing my eyelids. I wanted to see what it was. I blinked few times, before finally managing to open my eyes. I was weak and stiff, and everything hurt - dull, distant ache, changing into sharp pain every time you tried to move. But there wasn't even any way to move, quickly enough I realized I was tied down to the bed. I opened my eyes and looked around through the light dazzling me, coming from a large window in front of me, looking over the white walls deprived of any decoration to the various machines hooked up to me, pulse measure beeping steadily, though way too quickly. If I was observed and someone was waiting for me to wake up, I would have company soon. But what had happened ?
I closed my eyes tightly, trying to block the offending light and tried to concentrate enough to remember something. Previous days... Before I had blacked out... Heero...
It all had gotten clear for me then, my sweet dream about me being finally happy with the man I had loved for so many years, and then, when I had gotten to know he had been killed... I had found the information in Preventers' archives, which I had gotten access to thanks to few disks Wufei had had with himself, that had given me few hints as to where to look and what kind of password request I should have excepted. And there it had been, Heero's file, since he had joined Preventers after the second war, saying he had been killed on his first mission, right after the end of the war. And I had been living ever since then hoping still I would have met him again, someday, somewhere. He was dead, and having that knowledge, I couldn't stand living anymore. I had tricked Trowa and gotten out of the circus, and went to the bridge on the way to the park I had dreamed of meeting Heero in, and knowing that I wouldn't meet him there, or anywhere for that matter, never, I had jumped.
For the memories that had been hunting me awake and asleep, memories of what my supposed to be friends had done to me, for the feeling of being used that was coming from what I had with Trowa, and for all those hungry glances I couldn't stand sliding down my body anymore, I had jumped down, head first, with my eyes squeezed shut tightly, hoping that mere hitting the surface of the water from that height would be enough to kill me. Then, I had been feeling nothing, beside the wind whining in my ears, and then really nothing, blackness, void, darkness, something I had welcomed, because it hadn't wanted me at all. I would have been going to be left in peace, by everyone, forever.
I had thought I had succeeded. Obviously, I had not.
I squeezed my eyes tighter at the sound of the door being opened. Someone had walked in, I hoped it was just a nurse, but as soon as I heard the person's steps, I could tell it was Trowa. He had saved me, again. Was he really thinking he was doing me a favor ? He should have known better than that.
I tried to steady my pulse, something I had been taught all those years ago, hoping he would assume I was asleep again, or just wouldn't bother me, but he didn't give me that comfort.
" I know you're awake." He said pulling the curtains over the window blocking the dazzling light, before approaching to stand next to my bed.
" Duo..."
Just the tips of his fingers traced my features... Feathery like touch, with something soothing to it, making me at least feel safe. I could have learned to love Trowa, really, if only I wasn't already in love with Heero, unable to get rid of my feelings for him, even now, when I had gotten to know he was dead, it was pulsing within my heart, with renewed force. From where was it getting that force ?
" Why did you want to die ?" He asked, for once being the one talking more.
I ignored him. What was I supposed to tell him ? That I loved Heero, that it was because I had gotten to know he was dead ? That I loved my rapist more than anything ? He was the last person to understand. And I would lose the sense of security he was giving me as long as I needed to stay alive by telling him I loved another man, not him.
" What I did wrong ?"
What had he done wrong ? How could he ask ? I wasn't going to answer anyway, but I thought he could feel it, too, that he was using me, and that I was with him because I had no other choice. At the same time, he was maybe the best person I had ever met in my adult life, he didn't have to be with me, take care of me, yet he did, he loved me. I had never been loved by another man before, not in that way, deprived of destructiveness. What I wouldn't have given for a chance to love him back...
" You want to ask me something ?"
Slowly, I opened my eyes, meeting his intense gaze, filled with worry, though his face was mostly emotionless, just a bit sad.
" Why am I tied down ?"
I saw relief in his green eyes when he heard me speaking. He had feared I would not.
" They've assumed you as a danger to yourself."
" So... Will I stay like that till I'm old and ready to die naturally because of that ?" I asked, my voice dripping with sarcasm. Some part of my sense of humor wouldn't leave me ever.
" Only as long as psychiatrists will think it's necessary."
" Get me out of here, Tro." I whispered pleadingly. Everything, but psychiatrists, I wasn't a damned freak... I wasn't the one who had done it to myself.
" I can't." He shook his head. " We would both be wanted. Preventers are investigating in the matter of Wufei's death. As long as they won't finish, we're supposed to stay here."
" I'm not the one who has done something wrong !" I screamed, astonished with my own outburst. I wasn't going to answer to any kind of questions, to recall myself what had happened. I hadn't been my fault ! I had not killed Chang Wufei, he had done it himself, I was just a victim, couldn't they understand it ? Or maybe they knew it. I understood them well enough. It wouldn't do them any good, to have to admit that one of their best agents had been obsessed with his ex-partner from the war and had ended up raping him and suiciding. It was all showing clearly he was a freak, and their doctors, psychiatrists and whoever else hadn't realized that. I couldn't even be completely sure that wouldn't be blamed for his death, and Trowa was right, us running away would have meant just that for them.
" Hospital staff probably let them know already that you're awake. Someone will come to interrogate you, even today."
I closed my eyes, sinking in the pillows more comfortably, at least as comfortably as the cuffs on my wrists and ankles were letting me.
" Do they know I tried to..."
" Yes." He nodded.
So, I was going to be interrogated as a freak, psychopath. Maybe they were going to prove that it had been me that had raped Wufei ?!
" Duo."
" Yes ?" I muttered, though my consciousness was beginning to fail me slowly.
" I won't let them blame you for this. Nor me nor Quatre, and we're both witnesses."
" Thanks..." I said softly, slipping away.
His lips brushed mine and I heard the sound of his steps and the door
closing. Trowa shouldn't have saved me, if I would have died then there
wouldn't have been any problems... but he had, and now I was held prisoner
in a hospital and Preventers had found us, probably going to blame us for
hiding from them for those few weeks that had passed since the night Wufei
had... which I had spent in circus with Trowa. However as for me, they
could blame me even for my rapist's death and punish me with death, if
only coming soon enough. I didn't care anymore, not after what had happened,
and not when Heero wasn't there anymore... I wasn't going to look into
beautiful Prussian blue eyes again... Ever again... Two single tears slid
down my cheeks... I was crying again... Was I ever going to stop ?
Why had I dreamed of him again ? Wasn't I going to stop doing this either
? What had he done to me ? How had he taken possession of my heart and
made it stay his despite the monstrosity of what he had done to me, despite
that now he simply was no more. It wasn't normal. Maybe Wufei had been
feeling the same towards me and it had resulted in... I couldn't make this
feeling leave me, though now, I didn't want it anymore ! I knew, I had
been keeping it willfully in my heart for all those years, because it had
been... something beautiful, rare and seemed to be precious... I hadn't
had many things like that in my life... But now, I didn't want it anymore
! What was the point in loving a dead man who hadn't had cared for me anyway,
ever, who had used me, had treated me like a thing, when now I had Trowa,
and I could have loved him if only my heart wasn't already Heero's. It
was only making us both unhappy, me and Tro, and leading to nowhere anyway,
giving me nothing but pain. Had I really said before that love isn't something
one can just throw out of his heart when it isn't convenient anymore ?
Had I meant it ? Could I have excepted that it would have been a sentence
for me one day ? Because of that, my life was now leading to nowhere, and
I wasn't regretting that I had tried to end it, and maybe I would try again.
Could I do this to Tro ? I didn't know all that well what was it he was
feeling for me. If I was going to get him stuck in the same situation I
was in now... I wouldn't have left him then, knowing he was going to suffer
so much, he didn't deserve it for being so good to me... But maybe his
love for me was... was able to expire, maybe he could go back to Quatre.
The two of them could have been happy together, surely happier than me
and Tro. If only I could have known...
I was deep in thoughts and barely conscious with all the medicines they had given me, but I did hear the sound of the door opening and someone getting in and approaching me. Then silence, and stinging in my inner elbow. I strove to open my eyes, but I couldn't focus my vision. So I tried to smile to whoever it was. I knew already that no one I had known.
" What is it ?" I asked since the person was obviously injecting me something.
Whoever it was didn't answer for a long while. All I was hearing were a bit frantic breaths. The person was smelling of something sweet... wait, jasmine ? It was a woman, and she had nice perfume, too.
" Truth's serum." She spoke finally.
Truth's serum... I knew well enough what it was: kind of a drug, or
something similar, making you unable to lie and able to blabber for hours
about anything your interlocutor wished you to, tell him all you knew.
Not all that perfect, as it was making a person that had it injected susceptible
to suggestions in the matter of interpretation of the events, and not too
safe, too. It could kill a kid or a person that was weakened or simply
had little tolerance to drugs. That was why only military forces dared
to use it, not police. I bet that in my case it was a preparation for my
interrogation by Preventers. If I wouldn't die of it, it was a good thing.
I was innocent and all they could suggest me was that I had been seducing
Wufei, that it had been how I had ended in his bedroom in the middle of
the night. Still, he shouldn't have reacted the way he had... It wasn't
like if I was blaming him, less even like if I was happy with his death.
I just knew I hadn't done nothing wrong, but he hadn't either. Maybe they
had been just nature and fate that had made who I had been, object of desire
I hadn't even wanted to be directed towards me. Desire that had made Wufei,
my friend, crazy. That was what I was going to tell them, the truth. Maybe
my greatest fault was that I had immense, violet eyes, I liked to look
into in the mirror myself, but I bet they couldn't punish me for that...
Kto temu winien, ¿e piêkna dziewczyna,
¯e¶ czu³y ? nie twoja wina.
Patrz, mówi³ dalej robaczek,
Na iskrê, co ze mnie strzela
I ca³y obja¶nia krzaczek.
Zrazu szuka³em z niej chluby,
Teraz widzê, ¿e bêdzie przyczyn± mej zguby
I zwabi nieprzyjaciela.
Ilu¿ to braci moich z³e jaszczurki spas³y !
Kl±³em wiêc ozdobê w³asn±,
Która na mnie ¶mieræ sprowadza,
Chcê, ¿eby te iskry zgas³y;
Ale có¿ robiæ ? nie moja w tym w³adza
I póki ¿yjê, te iskry nie zgasn±.
Tak, póki ¿yjê, te iskry nie zgasn± !
A. Mickiewicz `Dziady czê¶æ IV`
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