I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language
and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).
Mission
by solange channonix
Part X
Duo's POV:
This thing they... well, she... had given me surely was good, I never thought it would have been like that after truth's serum, but it was... really nice. And I knew something about it, I had been taking drugs back then, on the streets, as almost everyone had had, everyone that had been capable to steal some, that's it. But I had never tried this before.
I grinned as another wave of happiness rushed through me. What was it supposed to do ? Make you more open, talkative, unable to lie ? Someone like who I had been trying so hard to be for so many years and just as this had begun from a mask to my self, Wufei had had to come and destroy it ? Smash it to pieces ? I was beginning to wonder with what bit of conscious mind I still had where I could get this thing. But was I really going to need it ? I was going to suicide as soon as those cuffs would be taken out of my wrists and ankles, I thought with a widening grin.
I thought they had given me too much... misjudged my tolerance to drugs, sure, I was a man, but I weighted something like 125 pounds... And now, instead of being perfectly prepared for the interrogation, I was hovering over the line between conscioussness, unconscioussness and dream. I knew where I was, the light from the window was dazzling me again and I had my eyes open, and I was even hearing steps on the corridor, but at the same time, there was a fine amount of dullness in my mind, everything seemed either too big or too little, and like if watched from far away, at the same time. I was hovering, without body, I knew it existed, somewhere, and that I had left it maintaining only a shadow of connection. And I was seeing things, that weren't there, in the hospital room. I knew I was seeing them, but I... couldn't recognize them as what they were, they were just... out of my reach. I knew I was dreaming, but I couldn't get close enough to my own dream to see the images and persons clearly, just shadows, just the knowledge they were there and I wasn't able to come close, to join them. I was striving for the focus, for a chance to see them clearly, but there was a fog between me and my own dream, as there was between me and real world. I was half-conscious in the real world, and in my own dreams, and still aware of both.
So I heard the door opening and someone coming in, and I took my head up to see who it was, but then my focus on the reality was lost... Connection broken, my soul hovering somewhere, far away from my body, having no control over it anymore and unaware of what was happening to it. All my attention got into one place, to my dream, that had just come in focus...
I saw Heero... I could except it, he haunted me in my dreams for years,
yet somehow... This time he was different from how I normally saw him,
he was neither young boy I remembered, nor I had been dreaming of just
before my attempt on suicide, he was adult like back then, but totally
different. Short, slim, muscled man with unruly brown hair, a bit longer
than how he had had it as a boy, dressed in soiled khaki uniform, with
a holster all too apparent on his hip, and smoking. And his eyes... His
eyes were nothing like in my dreams... in my previous dreams they had been
infinetely deep pools of dark ocean blue, intense and cold at the same
time, but this time... they were holding so much more within them, more
blue, deeper, colder, more intense, and gleaming with determination only
he was capable of feeling. Just then I understood they were just more true
than ever before. It was like Heero's eyes were looking like in reality,
these were eyes I strived to look into just one more time, and my plea
was granted. My happiness passed every kind of barriers and I began to
cry, savoring every sob it was getting from me... This drug, it really
was good, I had to work seriously over stealing some...
Heero's POV:
After I ended fuming nd threw the cigarette away I stuck my hands in pockets, feeling them clenching, along with my jaw. I wasn't supposed to feel like that... Duo, my ex-partner from the war, someone that at some point had gotten the closest to being my friend, before I had hurt him and showed him once and forever how worth of his trust I had really been. He didn't know... That I had saved him back then, that I hadn't killed him despite I had been told to do this. He didn't know, that he had been more important to me than myself, that I had cared more about him than my own self... I wouldn't have, I hadn't hesitated before killing myself. And I couldn't have killed him...
It had been driving me insane... Feelings were a weakness I shouldn't have had, especially feelings like that, I had known, I knew. He hadn't ever gotten to know what he had been doing to me... After that had happened and every time we had been left alone for some reason he had been curling into tight, small ball, wrapping his arms around his knees drawn up under his chin, his immense, violet eyes wide with fear and hurt. Dammit, I hadn't slept one single night ever after because every single time I had been closing my eyes I had been seeing him like that. I could kill, hurt in every way possible everyone else, including myself, and not to feel remorse at all, everyone, but him. All the same I had terribly hurt him before I had realized that... I had been striving to touch him, he had denied me all contact just as I had begun to crave for it. I had lost him, forever, only after I had had him for the shortest moment, when I had been kissing him, I had had him as my own, and after I had realized what I had exactly had, and had been losing. No one would have ever been capable to forgive himself after, no one...
Not so long time ago, when we had gotten an information about Wufei's death and how exactly he had died, I had begun to wonder over why so many men wanted Duo, and why that much ? How could anyone cause people to go crazy with the desire to have him ? I thought I had understood. He was beautiful and had that look of fragility, but that was just a small part. What was way more important was that he was... strong, unbelievably mentally strong, close to unbeatable, I could say that now when I had gotten to know everything about his past for the sake of investigation. He had lived through so much more than me, had suffered things which single one taken from between would have broken any ordinary man, and managed to get through this seeming like if nothing bad had ever happened to him, still able to eat, sleep, have fun and laugh. If even this had been just a mask he was unbelievably strong to keep it together and in place. It was from where all the attraction to all of them was coming from. They didn't truly want him, his chatter, his grin, his nightmares, his mental wounds, they wanted his strenght. To dominate it to show themselves they could have power over someone so strong, or to snatch it from him, what Wufei had done, according to Trowa, quite successfully. I didn't believe him, Duo was going to recover and put his mask back together soon enough, no matter what was happening to him under it, inside him. I had seen him vulnerable, looking at me with eyes full of pain and fear, all his guards down, and only then I had truly realized how strong he really was, how much stronger than anyone had considered him, to wear that kind of mask over the kind of things he had inside him. Me and Wufei, we had added just two more nightmares he had to live through, but I knew it wasn't enough to break him, nothing was... That was why I admired him, I bet. And I did care about him, because I didn't want him to be hurt anymore, I wanted him to finally have a chance to recover fully, which he was able of doing if only he would have had more time...
I was stupid, and I was weak, feeling things like that at all. I had been ever more stupid deciding to come to see him again... What did I exactly want ? He had loved me once, before that, I had known, of course. The point of the mission had been that he had loved me, else he wouldn't have trusted me enough to let me control him. I had destroyed his feelings for me, years ago, unless they had been as strong as all of him...
I shouldn't have thought like that, better just to interrogate him and leave him there... In fact, I didn't really need to interrogate him, I had all reports done, one with his deposition as well. I had just put it all together so they wouldn't have been any chance for anyone to blame him. I could as well as leave now. But I couldn't, I was drawn to him. Looking up at me with immense, violet eyes, dumb and empty, but none the less beautiful, crying and grinning at the same time. What had gotten him so happy about my arrival ? Had he ever noticed me at all ? It seemed they had just given him too much of the drug and he was seeing things. No way to interrogate him anyway, even if I would have wanted to. I hadn't more time to waste on this interrogation, I should leave, now. Why couldn't I ? I cursed under my breath and forced myself to move towards the door, still not even turning away from him, but then I was stopped by his voice whispering something, angelic expression appearing on his face, his cheeks flushed and damp.
" Kimi o ai shiteru, Heero..."
Since when had he talked Japanese ? And... if someone was telling something
after getting trutht's serum, you could be sure one thing, he was telling
the truth... His love for me was as strong as all of him... I didn't deserve
it, not being the man I was and having done what I had. I didn't want to
hear more. I left, closing the door silently after me, not wanting to disturb
him. Maybe he was asleep ? Just talking in his dreams... Even if he had
seen me, he was going to think of that as a dream, as he had been half-conscious
and simply had known I couldn't have been there. Trowa has said they had
both thought I was dead. Good, it would be better that way...
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