I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language
and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).
Mission
by solange channonix
Part XIII
Duo's POV:
I woke up to the throbbing pain in my head. I shook it to get lost of it and slowly sat up blinking my eyes open. Wave of nausea hit me and clutched my stomach. Only after a while that stopped. Then I looked up and around the room, sitting straight. I wasn't in the hospital anymore, I looked down at my bruised wrists, though, the hospital had happened. I looked all around the room again. I was sitting in the middle of a king-size bed, wrapped in numerous sheets. The chamber was light and neatly furnished, without excessive comfort. All in here was either white, shade of gray, black or ebony wood, intense blue of the sky visible through the window was like a jewelry surrounded by this monotone. Where was I ? At Quatre's ? No, it couldn't be a chamber in one of his estates, it lacked any luxury. So where ? The bedroom was spacious, beside the bed had a wardrobe and a desk in the corner, occupied by a computer and piles of papers, there was also a laptop lying on the night table, beside a photo frame turned face down and a chair where I recognized my black clothes lying. I reached for the little frame and turned it and saw... myself, from some time during the war, before Heero had hurt me, dressed in an uniform of one of the many schools we had attended to. Who would have kept my photo on the night table, surely not Quatre nor Trowa, so who ? No one... At the moment I considered it all a dream. I sighed, suddenly feeling very tired and lay back down, inhaling deeply the faintest scent... The sheets smelled of something, someone... a familiar scent, familiar, intoxicating and beautiful... But I didn't know what it was...
I had almost fallen asleep, trying to figure out what that scent was when I was took out of my musings by the sound of the door clicking open. I didn't find enough strength in me to open my eyes again then, I didn't care anyway, it was all a dream, in the reality I had to be still in that damned hospital. I heard footsteps approaching me, cat-like steps, tapping of the bare feet on the carpet. I thought it was coming close but it turned at some point and after a while I heard the sound of the computer being turned on. Curious, I cracked one eye open only to face all too familiar sight of Heero's back, while he was working on the computer. Heero... I was dreaming of him again. But at least in my dreams he could have paid more attention to me. I yawned lazily before forcing myself to sit back up, the bed crackling under me which got his attention, he half-turned to me, shadow of a startled and uncertain expression passing over his features, quickly getting immobile and emotionless.
" Hi !" I said smiling weakly.
It hadn't sounded as cheerful as I had intended it to. I couldn't be cheerful anymore, even in my dreams, that part of me was broken.
He turned to me fully.
" Duo, you need to know..."
" Well... What ?" I asked stretching and lying back down, trying to relax.
He did a double-take. I couldn't help I was looking hot stretched out like that. But hey, it was my dream, in my dreams it was my Heero and I had a law to flirt with him.
" Listen. I took you out of the hospital because we've decided with Quatre it would be better for you to be out of there and apart from Trowa. Beside that, he told me you hadn't nowhere to go after ending university. You can stay here as long as you wish, however I won't stop you if you'll decide to leave..."
What was he blabbering about ? Since when was he blabbering at all ?
" Heero, what's the matter ? It was supposed to be a fucked dream !" I whined, losing my grip on the reality all together.
I didn't know anymore what was a dream and what wasn't, what I knew was that I wouldn't have dreamed of Heero wasting our time together on beginning to speak to me all of a sudden. I was being bitter, sorry...
" That information you've gotten about my death was false, I work for Preventers, I was assigned to investigate in the matter of Wufei's suicide. That's how we met for the first time, then, when you were on truth's serum..."
Then, when I had told him I loved him... My eyes widened in horror... What was he thinking of me now ? I looked frantically around... I was in Heero's bedroom, in his king-size bed, smelling of nothing else but him, dressed only in my boxers... and he was sitting at the desk dressed in night clothes as well. Maybe him and Quatre had thought that telling him I loved him being high on drugs I had meant I wanted to end up his whore again ?!
I had to flee... My God, I needed to get out of there and away from him... Instinctively, I curled in a small ball, wrapping my arms tightly around my knees, put under my chin. God, no, please... I wasn't going to stand it, paying him for being good to me with my body, like I had been doing with Trowa. That was other thing, Trowa hadn't ever hurt me and I didn't love him ! My love for Heero wasn't something to be mixed with dirt which was that kind of relationship I was sure he was proposing. Why else I would have been in his bed now... God, please, have mercy over me that one time... Not him, not again...
I was breathing frantically, almost hyperventilating, my eyes stinging with unshed tears... Fuck, I was crazy, he didn't want to do nothing bad to me, I was just a damned freak, thinking everyone wanted nothing but to hurt me, use me, rape me... But how could I have not gotten convinced about it after three from my closest friends had done just that to me ? None of them really responsible for what they had done... It was neither their nor mine fault, it was my fate, it was that God didn't have even a bit of mercy over me, making my life hell like if I had really deserved it... But I didn't feel guilty, maybe I was a killer of thousands, but a savior of billions...
Heero stood up... God, no... I moved to the edge of the bed the farest away from him, still approaching. Please, no... He didn't stop, still progressing, my pleading look hadn't stopped him... Please... No... I wasn't going to stand anymore of this...
" I'll be sleeping on the couch in the living room. If you'll need something, shout. I should hear you." He said, doing his best to smile warmly down at me. It had to be hard for him...
He wasn't used to smile, at least, not the Heero I knew from six years earlier. And having to deal with me, fearing him so much while he was trying to be good to me... I forced myself to smile back up at him.
" You need something right now ?"
" Painkiller ?"
" Sure." He nodded and went out only to be back in a while with a glass of water and a pill.
I hesitated before taking it from him, he sighed and put it on the night table so I could take it from there. I was sorry, really. I did understand that what he had done to me all those years ago had been one more of his missions, that it hadn't been his idea nor want, what I couldn't have forgiven him was only that he hadn't told them no, even when they had told him to kill me. But yet again, why would he have ? What was I for him or what I had been for him to give a fuck about me ? Whole that thing between us was my dream... But then, why was he taking care of me now ? We needed to talk... There was always too much silence between the two of us, too much unspoken words, because I had been talking constantly, but about nothing, he hadn't talked at all. It had made me think of the dream I had had just before my attempt on suicide, the dream that had gotten me thinking seriously about killing myself because I had thought it would have never come true...
" So, I'm leaving now." He said before taking the glass back from the night table and heading to the door.
I stopped him.
" No, stay."
He seemed astonished at my demand, but came back close to my bed anyway.
" What ?" There was a bit of annoyance in his voice... That I had stopped because of something unimportant ? We were already coming back to our old ways...
" I can't stay here until you answer few my questions, I'm sorry but unless... I don't feel... safe here..." I whispered, getting weird, gentle look from him.
He cared about me, he really did... at least it seemed so, once in a while...
" Anyway, you won't get any plane back till morning." He said matter-of-factly.
" Heero... I may still call you that ?"
He moved his shoulders in manner telling me to do how I wished.
" How that happened that I've survived Vilnius ? I mean, that cable... Connections in Gundams don't fail under normal circumstances, it didn't happen, not even once again during the rest of the war..."
" I disconnected these cables." He said as matter-of-factly.
" Why ?"
" Because you had done nothing to have deserved death."
" It didn't stop you, us, from killing few thousands of OZ soldiers..."
" Maybe you were more important to me than any OZ soldier."
Maybe... I couldn't even be sure he was telling me the truth, maybe
this they had decided with Quatre, too ? Maybe they had enough plans for
the last of my life as well ?
" Why do you want to take care of me ? I thought you considered me a pain
in the ass or a good lay, at the least..."
I was being bitter again... I regretted it immediately noticing hurt expression in these Prussian blue eyes that had been hunting my dreams continuously for so many years. I wanted for a while to come close to him and hug him and tell him I loved him and never wanted to hurt him...
He took two deep calming breaths... He did care, more than I thought he had or did...
" Heero, it is all you've ever told about me, either to myself or others..."
" I thought you weren't that stupid as to actually believe it." He said, heading to the door.
I had been trying not to believe it... I still tried...
" I love you." I said, in the sudden rush of bravery, making it sound like a challenge.
He turned back to me in the doorway to cast one last glance at me, full of emotion, holding too much appreciation for my liking... I remembered that look from just before he had raped me...
God, what had I done ? Told him again that I loved him, flirted with him, I was getting this on myself this time, if he would hurt me again it would be my fault, mine, no one else's, no way to blame the fate... not anymore... I was asking for this to happen this time...
He cared, he wouldn't have... but maybe he would stop only after, again, but before killing me, leaving me to live my screwed up life for longer after destroying what amount of sanity I still had at the moment, but wasn't going to get through another rape... God, please, let him forget me, and me forget him, my life would have been so much easier, and maybe even I would have been able to put all back together after Wufei, instead of getting involved in another wrong relationship, despite that Quatre thought it was good for me, my perfectly blonde rescuer... I was being bitter, fuck. I was really screwed up, but I couldn't stop... Something in me was broken, shattered and destroyed, and I was going to stay this way, forever, or get worse if I would suffer again, if Heero would come in here later that night and inflict more pain on me... God, please, how much more pain one can take ? Let me live through that one night, peacefully, let me sleep through it without nightmares and Heero coming to get me... please... just that one night... Then I would live maybe not happy, but at least sane man, having at least the shreds of sanity I had as far...
Please...
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