I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language
and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).
Mission
by solange channonix
Part XIV
God wasn't that merciful for me. I woke up in the middle of the night, panting and sweating, crying and sobbing, woken up from a nightmare, which bloody shreds were just slipping out of the reach of my awareness. I was sitting in the darkness, my chest heaving in short, frantic breaths, eyes sore from crying, maybe for hours...
I heard the door clicking open, the light was turned on... My screams had had to wake Heero up... I wondered what had I screamed, it seemed for me I had been dreaming of Wufei, that was where whole the blood had been coming from... Indeed, I hadn't seen that much of blood ever before he had hurt me and I had seen thick rivulets of blood, my own, flowing down my body, broken like a doll... I shuddered remembering my nightmare and that night.
Heero approached and sat just on the edge of the bed. I backed away, like I always did around him.
" I had bad dream, but it's ok now." I said, since he didn't speak, just was looking at me with these appallingly intense blue eyes.
" You were dreaming of me or Wufei ?"
I shuddered.
" I don't really know. All I remember from my nightmares then is a lot of blood."
" You were praying. You were screaming for God to stop him, and to give you some peace."
" Peace is what I need. As for now every time I thought I was happy someone was coming to destroy it before it was enough to heal my previous mental wounds... It took Him a lot, but he has destroyed me in the end, I just... don't know what I had done to deserve it... I'm talking stupidities, as always. I'm sorry, Heero."
" I've told you I had been the one to disconnect the self-destruction unit in your Gundam. You believe me ?"
I nodded. I didn't see the point of this question. But yes, he had done great job, it had saved my life, twice, first time in Vilnius, second when I had tried to self-destruct in space just before OZ had caught me.
He opened his mouth to continue, but I stopped him, I thought I knew what he wanted to tell.
" Heero, I know it was a mission and I know you don't refuse these. I don't blame you, none of you... it's been only His fault, and mine."
" Yours ?"
" It's my fault that I turn people on." I said, stretching unconsciously before I caught myself doing this.
I realized that Heero had had hard time keeping his eyes off me again. It sickened me.
" I talked about Wufei, of course." I added.
" Why do you think you don't turn me on ?" He asked.
I looked down, at the sheets, letting my bangs cover my eyes. I didn't want him to be able to see the expression in them. Terrible fear... I feared. Even if he didn't mean to do nothing bad to me this time, I could not stand that kind of reaction on his part. Didn't he understand one's trust could be betrayed like he had done with mine only once ?
" Duo, do you even know what you do to me ?" He whispered, getting closer.
My heart began racing. Once before, he had been coming close too, very close, and I had regretted it then...
" You've let me touch you few times after, remember when I got you out of the OZ prison ? Nothing bad happened to you then." He said softly just to my ear before putting an arm around my shoulders.
I shivered and tried to back away, but he wrapped second arm around my stomach from behind me and held me, not letting me. I blushed furiously, still catching deep, frantic breaths. Now, how were we looking ? My back was pressed to his chest, his arm encircling my stomach and rubbing it lightly. He had no clue what he was doing to me, what kind of torment this was, even if he didn't mean to do more.
Yet, silent moan passed my lips and I leaned more into his warmth. I was crazy, really. I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. If I should pull out and flee or let him hold me like that forever.
" Ever since I first saw you, I've wanted to protect you and take care of you and that mission... My conscience doesn't hunt me because of what I did in the war, I believe we were right, but I haven't slept a single night, a single minute after the war, or rather, after I've... raped you... Every time I try I see hurt violet eyes, full of fear, your eyes. It isn't a vision one can stand."
" So how... how you're even still alive ?"
" Cigarettes, coffee and speed. I lose consciousness every few days for few hours, but this isn't a sleep. Maybe I can sleep only with you in my arms."
Heero Yuy, whispering things like that to my ear. But once before, he had even told me he had loved me. What he had just said, it was an offer, wasn't it ? Fairy deal, he wanted something in return for taking care of me and giving me a place to stay, one could not have something not paying for that... He was just like Trowa, but I could not blame neither of them, this was just the way things were. Obviously, no one was able to keep his hands off me having me in his bedroom. But I did not want it with Heero, I loved him, I didn't want him to be coming close, because I just knew it would only hurt us both.
" Leave me alone." I said, trying to unwrap his arms from around me. I didn't manage, he just tightened the hold.
" Leave you alone to do what ? Go crazy ? Kill yourself ? And I'm supposed to do the same ? Quatre's been right, we hurt each other."
" You'll hurt me even more forcing me into something !" I cried.
I wanted him to let me go. His body against mine burned. God, I wanted him, how I wanted him, every my struggle against his hold causing maddening friction, I was biting my lips to suppress the moans involuntarily leapt out of my throat. I wanted my rapist, I really was a damned freak.
" Leave me alone..." My desperate cry changed into silent moan in the end, as his hand brushed lower part of my stomach.
" Are you really sure you want it ? I can disappear from your life, you can never see me again, if this is what you want."
Never look into beautiful Prussian blue eyes again... Sudden tightness in my chest reminded me of the heartache I had been suffering only recently because of this thought, it had been impossible to stand and I had ended up deciding it would have been better to kill myself... I didn't want him to disappear again.
" N... No..."
I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I was sorry, Heero. I stopped struggling. I gave up to him. He could do what he wished with me. I couldn't help, I loved him and my body wanted him. If he would use it and hurt me again I would lose my hold on reality, I knew that, but I stopped myself from praying to God for Heero to understand me and take things slowly. God had failed my trust too many times for me to believe him being good and merciful, if only for that night. I needed to go to a church. There were so many and so beautiful on Earth and I hadn't visited any of them ever since I had gotten earthside. Tomorrow morning, I needed to ask Heero to take me to one.
I thought he sensed I had given up to him. He embraced me more tightly, kissing my neck passionately. He had just gotten me, whom so many wanted, I just hoped my submission was making him happy, at least him. I felt cold inside, cold and empty, no fear anymore, but no passion either. I was a breathing doll, I felt like one. I was a whore, once again paying with my body for people to be good to me. Maybe it was just my fate... It wasn't like if I hadn't been doing this before Heero and Trowa, years earlier, when Solo had been dying, I had been getting good things for him to eat and water to wash him sucking on Alliance officer's dick.
Heero left my neck in peace only as he realized I was shaking with repressed cries, two single tears rolling down my cheeks.
" Hold on, Duo." He whispered. He was wishing me luck in my internal battle, I guessed. " Can I stay here ?" He asked. Funny, he was asking me if he could stay in his own bed.
" Can I ?" I asked back.
" Yes." He said before lying down and pulling me down with himself, wrapping both his arms tightly around me.
Then I was lying awake for what seemed like hours, while he had fallen asleep, really asleep, curling myself close to his warmth and burying my face in his shoulder to muffle my sobs. I wanted to cry again, over what we could have been...
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