I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language
and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).
Mission
by solange channonix
Part XV
I woke up to the warmth,
overwhelming warmth, surrounding me and filling me inside. It felt good,
heavenly. I buried my nose deeper in his shoulder, not caring whom he was.
Trowa ? No... Trowa wasn't warm, not in that way, I felt safe beside him,
in his arms, but never like if I was in heaven, I bet that sensation was
reserved for Quatre. So who ? Who could hold me like if I was the most
precious thing in the world, his arms wrapped firmly and tightly around
my lower body while I was lying flat down on his chest, my hand slipping
under his shirt half-consciously. He smelled like Heero... I had to be
dreaming again... I had had such a weird dream about him before, maybe
it just continued... I didn't want to find out, I wanted to stay like that...
I pressed myself even closer to him and went back to sleep...
The second time I was woken up by the sounds of making a meal coming from the kitchen that had to be nearby. I blinked my eyes open. I was lying in a huge, warm bed, relaxed and in peace with myself, something I hadn't been for a long time, spending my time on thinking how wrong had been what I had had with Trowa and waking up in his embrace with bloody visions just disappearing from before my eyes, knowing I hadn't belonged there. Here I felt right.
I sat up, running a hand through my messed up hair. I needed to grow it long again, I missed my braid. Talking about missing... My eyes flickered to the crucifix on my chest, made of black Gundamium alloy. At least they hadn't taken this from me. I sighed, falling down on the pillows. So I was as Heero's, it seemed. If all of this wasn't a dream, of course.
I looked at the door hearing him coming in. He leaned on the doorframe and was looking at me with kind of expression in his eyes which made me shiver. Like if I was really special to him, so much more than a kid from the ghettos of L2 could have excepted to be for anyone.
" It's me who's leaning on the doorframe. Don't steal my ideas." I said softly, looking at the ceiling.
Maybe I was going to come back to my old ways, someday. Maybe there was a way to really put me back together...
He laughed softly before coming to sit on the bed. He looked wonderful, for once he seemed happy. At least I had been making someone happy... I hadn't killed, I hadn't gotten death over someone, I hadn't made anyone crazy nor kill oneself, nor regret something he had done to me to the end of his life, but happy. For a long time I had been thinking it had been something I would have never done, thinking that I was destined to bring only sorrow over those who risqued to love me. Yet, I had been making someone happy, Heero, of all people. His eyes were shining, but in other way than when he was glad because he had completed a mission, they were even more beautiful than then. Looking in them I felt myself falling deeper in love with him than I had already been, if it was even possible. Instead of being bitter I was sentimental, still not quite me I had once been, but at least I felt in peace with myself and I had gotten through my fear of Heero, technically after so many years of not being able to stand his presence closer than a yard away.
" I love you, Heero." I said again. Repeating this to him felt wonderful, though I couldn't guess why. Maybe keeping it to myself for so long, thinking I would never get a chance to tell him that, was causing this. I could not know.
His lips formed a small smile for a while, before he leaned down over me, closing the distance between our lips. My heart began beating like crazy, my hands clenching into fists, as I felt old fear making me want to slap him and back away. But I didn't, I wanted to make him happy. I closed my eyes and let him kiss me and lick my lips, but I didn't grant him access. If I would ever be able to give it to him it would be later, not yet. When he pulled away his eyes had an almost dreamy expression to them, so beautiful... The thought that I could have ever lost him was giving me a heartache.
" Why aren't you with Relena, anyway ?"
" Because she's anything like you." He said, lying down beside me. I hoped that whatever he had done for breakfast didn't need to be eaten warm.
" You're acting strange." I said, turning to face him." You hurt me during the war and you never told me you were sorry, or that I meant anything for you, then you left me alone for years and now you just came and took me to your home and you're letting me stay here and acting like if we were a couple. I don't understand."
" I just thought you would be happier without me, but when I learned how you were stuck with Trowa after what Wufei had done to you, I realized I had been wrong."
" Just that ?"
" Yes."
" You mean you missed me, too ?"
" Yes."
I smiled.
" Who learned you to be so open ?"
" It isn't that. I'm able to do everything to get what I want. I've always been."
`Do everything to get what I want`. Definetely, I was special to him. So much more than I could have guessed I would have been for anyone, even yesterday. Since yesterday, so many things had changed for better. How could I have been so stupid as to try to kill myself few days earlier, if Trowa wouldn't have saved me somehow then I would have been buried in cold soil by now, not in Heero's arms.
" Where did you go after the war anyway ?"
" I've joined Preventers."
" And that information about your death ?"
" I'm kind of a special. My existence is supposed to be a secret. Technically, since you know my identity and my past and got to know I'm alive, I should kill you."
I sighed. Indeed, he hadn't changed much since the war, not at all, I bet I had changed way more myself.
" I went to a college on L2." I started." It wasn't like if I hadn't enough money, you know, OZ accounts, and Quat, but I was working as a scravenger anyway, out of the habit. But I didn't feel good there, too many bad memories, I think... So as soon as I ended it I left to study on L1. I was doing theology with philosophy at the university there."
He rolled his eyes, at my choice of subjects, I bet.
" Don't worry. It was more of a free-time activity. In fact, I was doing informatics and electronics. But when it's come to this, I've been always telling I was on theology. I just haven't wanted to seem as someone being all that practical. And you didn't study at all ?"
" Well, between missions."
" What ?"
" Informatics and electronics."
I grinned, feeling my mask slipping in place, making me feel more secure than I had been in weeks.
" I've been always saying we have something in common. And, what is it you've made for breakfast, Heero, I'm dying to know." I asked, my nostrils twitching unvoluntarily at the delicious aroma coming from the kitchen.
He didn't answer.
" Heero ?" I called, turning to look at him.
No ! He had fallen asleep again, with his face buried in my shoulder. If he was going to sleep for all those years now, when he finally had me, I was going to be seriously bored. I sighed, crawling out of the bed, I didn't feel like staying with him into. I was hungry. Since my clothes weren't to be found in the room anymore, I borrowed his. He didn't have anything black, so I decided on blue. They were a bit too long for me and baggy, which for the shirt wasn't all that bad, but I had to hold the pants while walking. I just hoped that someone, most likely Quatre, would send me all my own clothes soon. I went to the kitchen and spotted something weird on the plates there. Well, Japanese food, it seemed. How could one eat a squid ? Well, when there was nothing else and the squid didn't smell all that bad, and one had eaten worse things before, it was actually possible. It even wasn't all that bad, I could get used to that. After finishing the meal I went back to the bedroom only to get to know Heero was still asleep and didn't look like waking up anytime soon. And I didn't want to disturb him. So I spent next half an hour visiting the appartement. He had my photos or of us together in every room, including bathroom. I found speed there, as well. I hoped he wasn't too deep in that shit. I pulled off the curtains in the living room letting light in and only then noticed a pile of papers lying on the floor next to the couch. I looked at it almost unvoluntarily and approached to it, like if pulled by some force.
I shouldn't have done it. Soon enough, I got to know these were things that had had to be Wufei's once, my photos, countless pictures, and drawings, as countless drawings with me dying on it or sitting broken and crying. I shouldn't have watched them, I knew, but I did watch them all. God, what I had made him think and do ? How ? Why ? The last of the drawings fell out of my shaking hands as silent sobs began to rock through my body. Someone like me shouldn't have been born at all... My existence was causing others to suffer, wherever I went I brought sorrow with me. I had made Heero happy... Maybe, for that one night, but I was going to hurt him eventually as well and I didn't want to hurt him, of all people, I loved him too much for that.
I wiped unshed tears stinging under my eyelids off with the sleeve of my, well, Heero's, shirt. I couldn't stay here, I was going to make Heero's life hell, too, like I had done with Wufei's. I didn't want to get through this again, losing someone I cared for and knowing it was my fault. Like it had been with Father Maxwell and Sister Helen, whom I had left alone and hadn't managed to save, though I had been trying, with Deathscythe, which I had been one to attack OZ space fortress with, regardless of the fact they had been so much stronger than me, getting it destroyed, with Wufei, whom I had been one to make go crazy and kill himself.
I did not want this to repeat with Heero.
I needed to go away from here, from him, and make it impossible for him to find me ever again, ever... There was only one such a place, where he wouldn't ever get me. I stood up and went back to the bathroom, slowly. There had to be a lot of weapons in Heero's home, but the sound of the shot would have woken him up, something I didn't want. I didn't want to disturb him, with so unimportant things like me, ending with myself. I bet he didn't really care. I was a nice little toy, which some boys enjoyed breaking, nothing more, either for them or for him.
I found speed again, filled the syringe and shoot up, several times, all that was there. From what I knew about drugs, I was going to be dead in the matter of minutes, no more a burden for anyone, no more making someone suffer, saving Heero the pain... My vision began to spin around and I fell to the floor, hitting it hard. I squeezed my eyes shut to block more of the tears coming under my eyelids. I was sparing Heero the pain, why was I feeling like if what I was doing wasn't right ? Why it was... Why was I regretting ? Wasn't I brave enought to sacrifice myself ?
I could feel the drug, coursing through my veins. I knew what would
happen, I would suffocate, because my bronchis would swell to maybe twice
its size and wouldn't work anymore, choke on my own vomit, pitiful way
of dieing... But it couldn't be very painful, could it ? I hoped it would
happen quickly and soon, just that... I began coughing, forcing a hand
into my mouth to muffle the sound. Dammit, I couldn't wake Heero up...
I shouldn't bother him at all...
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