I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language
and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).
Mission
by solange channonix
Part XVI
He stormed inside the bathroom, almost getting the door off its hinges. My muffled coughing had woken him up, in the end. I was so terribly sorry...
I gave up on trying to be silent, removing my fist from my throat, filled with dark blood. When he looked down at me, lying sprawled on the floor, with blood flowing down my chin from my mouth, my eyes wide with pain, blackness of pupils covering violet completely, his own eyes went twice its usual size, before he bit his lip and kneeled down next to me, taking the syringe out of my hand, clenching it tightly to that moment.
He examined it, getting to know what I had done. I bet he thought I was crazy, with the look he gave me...
" Why ?" He asked, barely able to speak with that clenched throat. Clenched with horror, shock or maybe pain. Did I make Heero suffer ? Something I wanted so much not to do ?
I could not talk. I just smiled warmly up at him, showing him I didn't want him to care, bother with me.
" Dammit, why, Duo ?! What have I done wrong ?"
I shook my head, still trying to smile through the spasm of pain. It was nothing he had done, and no, he hadn't done anything wrong to me, only good things, so good... He didn't deserve to suffer because of that...
How I wanted to die already, not have to look into his eyes, filled with pure horror. He would forget... He would forget me... in a few weeks or months he just wouldn't remember anymore, he would go on with his life and I wouldn't hurt him and he would be happy. Tears blurred my vision, still spinning around, and I couldn't really see him anymore, only hear his frantic breathing. I was grateful for this...
I tried to smile up at him again, showing him I wasn't in that much of pain, that I didn't fear, that I was happy having a chance to sacrifice for him, that I was doing this for him... for his happiness...
I began to cough with blood again, increasing amount of pain bringing me back to the reality, harsh, cold reality, when I had almost drifted away into the neverending, silent, warm, eternal peace. Heero took me up from the floor and was holding me in his arms, kneeling. It hurt so much...
I never thought it would be that painful and that slow... so terribly, agonizingly slow... I forced myself to speak, spilling red froth with every word.
" Hee... Shot me... please... this hurts..." I whispered, pleading in my eyes.
I bet it wouldn't bother him, finishing me off. Hadn't he said he should
kill me since I knew his identity and that he was alive ? No one would
ever blame him for this. Beside that, why would the Perfect Soldier hesitate
before killing someone ? He had hesitated once, no, twice, before, with
me, but...
He didn't shot me, no, but he hit me in the back of my neck, stopping
my torment as the consciousness left me...
Heero's POV:
Duo's things sent by Quatre had just gotten here, so I spent few hours on looking through them. I didn't want to be meddling, but I needed to check what he had there, that could have eventually served him to try to kill himself once again, when he would wake up. Now, when after all those years I had him, I wasn't going to resigne him, espacially not to the death. But there was nothing suspicious nor dangerous, just clothes, almost all black, and some books and that was pretty all, so in the end I left his bag untouched, seeing no need of taking anything from him. It seemed weird for me that he didn't have a gun anymore, at least for me it would have been unimaginable to live the life he had managed to lead - normal life a student. I would have never stood something like that... When there was no mission my life was beginning to lose its sense. Maybe now it was going to change, since I had Duo and he would need to be guarded 24/7. I had been talking a lot with a psychiatrist from this hospital in the past few days, ever since I had gotten Duo here after he had poisoned himself with excess amount of amphetamine, almost killing himself, again, while not even three months had passed since he had been raped by Wufei. If he was going to keep on trying he would succeed, sooner or later, rather sooner, most likely - next time, simply because he would be so weak that everything he could possibly try would be enough to kill him. As for the psychiatrist, beside her work here, she worked for Preventers, so I could be honest with her and I had told her all I knew myself about Duo, and then she told me he would try again, and that I needed to keep an eye on him constantly, and keep him away from all the things that could bring bad memories to him or tramaumatize him, which seemed to include me, but I hadn't argued with her, and that I need to make him believe that he really was more than just a whore, buying other's kindness with his body and making others think only about getting him, using him and hurting. She had also said it wouldn't be easy. That I knew myself as well as she did. Duo always had been complicated, ever since I had first met him, there always had been more to him than just his cheerful self, that other, way darker side to him could be seen sometimes, in the suddenly appearing hollow void in his eyes, when he was waking up from a nightmare. Then I had raped him and something in him had snapped, his eyes had began to flash with pain and despair way more often. But he had gotten even through that, as always landing on his feet, and in the few years of peace in his life had almost forgotten about all the bad things in his life, but what Wufei had done to him had brought all the bad memories back, adding a few as well. Only after, he had begun to think about killing himself, because he had been feeling bad with Trowa and because he had been thinking I had been longtime dead. He had tried to suicide because of me, both times. I had gotten to know why he had done it from what he had been saying in his sleep, disturbed by nightmares, when he had been in coma. He had tried to suicide because he had thought that else he would hurt me... and that it would bother me less if he would be dead than if he lived, that I didn't really care. What had made him think that ? Looking through Wufei's drawings of him. But... He had been wrong... Even if he couldn't have been sure I cared, after just one night, he should have known and be sure I didn't want him dead, after I had saved his life twice in the past and once again recently. His death was the last thing I wanted and was going to let happen. I would stop working for Preventers for a few months to take care of him, to get him back to his old self, to get him to stop thinking about himself as a slut... He was way too beautiful and amazing creature to let the memories destroy him, or let him stay half-crazied, or end with himself, and I loved him too much to let this happen, too.
I had finally packed his clothes back to the bag and approached his sleeping form. For once, his sleep was peaceful, maybe bacause they had given him tranquilizer... He looked so miserable, yet he was still so beautiful and even more fragile. They had put him back from pieces, again, any normal human being wouldn't have lived through that at all... He had suffered so much, again, like if his screwed up childhood and two wars weren't enough for him. How could he still believe that that his God, as the source of fate, was merciful and generous, after what had happened to him ? There were things to him I wasn't going to understand ever... But it was making him all the more appealing, that we were close to being perfect opposites, at least me and the old Duo... the one whom I needed to get back... When he would wake up I would work on that, but for now he should sleep and rest...
I brushed chest-nut bangs off his eyes for him, before bending to kiss
his slightly swollen lips and then sit down in the chair next to his bed.
I wasn't going to leave that room till he wouldn't wake up and I wasn't
going to leave his side till he would be all right again. That was my mission,
I was setting for me myself this time. To save, not to kill, this time...
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Quite a few chapters still to come, but at least it's completely prewritten,
so you can be sure it'll be complete one day (well, in a few weeks) and
have a happy ending ! But before... well, it hasn't reached the greatest
depth of angst yet in the chapters uploaded so far, so except rather dark
stuff in few next chapters. And thanks for reviews !