I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language
and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).
Mission
by solange channonix
Part XVII
Duo's POV:
This time I got out of the hospital after two weeks, half of which I had been conscious. Had I said Heero hadn't changed ? I had been wrong then, he had. I couldn't recall a minute when he hadn't been beside me ever since I had regained consciousness. Every time I had been falling asleep, waking up, and throughout whole the day, he had been there. Even trying to talk, sometimes. He had had to be uneasy with me being silent so he had been trying to make some noise just to fill the void.
I could see it, I wasn't blind, he was desperate to keep me beside him and to bring the old me back. But I would hurt him, terribly hurt him, if I would stay with him... But, simply there had been no way to leave, he had been guarding me well. I hated him for that, that he was getting suffering over himself with that kind of obstinacy and loved every minute of that at the same time because my dreams were just coming true. Why couldn't I simply enjoy it ? Maybe my happy laughter had changed into bitter tears one time too many to keep thinking I would ever be eternally happy. Nothing lasts in this world, especially not in my life. One of the things that had lasted in it for longer was my love for Heero and I didn't want him to destroy it, by coming too close, giving me too much hope, only to leave me then, just like that or for someone else, or because he would get hurt because of me. It would have destroyed me, losing something so precious to me once again.
I really should leave, for both our sakes. But he wasn't letting me and when I had told him just that he had ignored it. Also, he had been taking me to psychiatrists and stopped only as I had told him I had been going crazy from simply visiting them. He was treating it like a mission, really, trying to succeed by any possible means.
I was being silent, sad and broken, but he tried to cheer my mood in every way, making my favorite food, taking me wherever I wanted or he thought I wanted. I could have enjoyed that if I would have let myself. It was really hilarious, when he was taking me to cinema and sitting through whole the movie looking blankly at the screen, not even blinking and then, the next day, able to repeat whatever the characters had been saying. Not to mention him dragging me to the amusement park and properly `enjoying` himself. Then coming back and cooking for me... I wasn't sure if I wouldn't have preferred him to act normally...
At nights, we were sleeping together and he was sleeping indeed, while I couldn't. But at least I was safe and warm in his arms. Still, we weren't lovers, not even a couple at all. Sure, our lips brushed on some occasions, but he was never holding me in public.
Things between us were weird and when a week passed since I had gotten out of the hospital, I decided I needed to sort them out. If I wouldn't, how long could we go on like that ? I needed to tell Heero what I was thinking about us and get him to leave me alone and then try to continue with my life or simply end it, when he wouldn't be there anymore to interfere. But I needed strength to talk with him like that, strength I didn't have and couldn't find in myself for days. Just then, I remembered how I had wanted to go to a church that morning before my second attempt on suicide, so I asked Heero, feeling that need in me again.
A church... I was going to go to a church... I hadn't been in one ever since Wufei's death. A church on Earth, huge, old and beautiful, nothing like the ones I had been visiting on L1. Not at all... This one would be truly ancient, with gigantic windows made of stained glass...
We needed over an hour to get to the closest church like that and there I was there. Heero hadn't come in with me, for once leaving me alone, free. Right, ever since my attempt on suicide, so practically since we had met again after the war, he had taken my freedom away from me, accompanying me everywhere, even in the bathroom, not to mention cleared of any kind of drugs, medications, razors blades and with shampoo and conditioner given to me in small amounts, like if he feared I would eat them or something.
I could have appreciated that he loved me, if only I didn't fear I would hurt him, but I could not appreciate him being my watchdog and treating me like a mentally ill and strangling me with his protectiveness. I couldn't live like that. He wasn't giving me enough space, I was suffocating. Why couldn't he, or Tro, understand it ? I needed their protectiveness, it was making me feel safe, but when it was creating barriers all around me it was taking my freedom away. I wanted it back. I couldn't live without it. I had always been free, always deciding about my fate on myself, ever since my early childhood, taking this away from me was only making things worse, even more than they had already been.
Anyway... Now I was free, for a moment. Standing in the middle of an ancient, large church, completely empty at this time of the day, I was free, Heero wasn't here. I took my head up to look at the cross. Why was I even here ? Me, in a church, while I did not believe in God... Not that God, at least. I was a kind of deist and I believed in Death, because it was her who was the most powerful, who made us what we are. Living creatures got what they are only because they always needed to escape her, to fight against her and so on throughout millions of generations, to this point when still the fear of the Death is our main, if not only, motivation and seen in that way, source of our strength. I wasn't a Christian, despite that I was wearing a crucifix, the same sister Helen had given to me, just mounted in black Gundamium alloy from Deathscythe, making it practically indestructible and being a part of my Gundam making it like if it was still with me, as all it had once been. I had been even studying theology and few months ago I had been close to becoming a priest, but I hadn't in the end, because it simply wouldn't be fair, since I didn't believe in Christian God, since my hands were drenched in blood, so how was I supposed to tell people to be good ? I couldn't, even with the knowledge how it would have made father Maxwell happy and proud of me, how it would have been paying the debt I had taken from him and sister Helen, for being the closest I had ever had to parents, for making me what I was, giving me a surname.
Without them, and my friends from the streets, I would have been lost, I wouldn't have had anything, no name, no home, even for a while. All I had and was now was thanks to them. And what had I given them in return ? I had gotten pain and death over them, Death, who seemed to be following me to take from me everyone who dared to love me.
It had been hurting me, losing everything over and over again... hurting so much... that it had broken me in the end, shattered me into pieces, leaving me broken and lost, with the knowledge that I couldn't love, or be loved, because it would always result in pain and death.
Why ? I had Heero, he was alive, back with me, loving me and taking care of me, something I had been dreaming about for so long, why couldn't I be happy, just like that ? Forget about the past and the future and be happy for a while, just because once I would have been no one would've been able to take the memories away from me, like had taken Solo, sister Helen and father Maxwell out of my heart, throughout two wars and two rapes. It would have been so wonderful, to be able to remind myself that I had once been with him. I craved for that, just... could I sacrifice him for that ? Like I had done with everyone who had loved me ever before ? Everyone who dared to love me was dying shortly after, was it... was it because I was Shinigami ? Now I knew, and I loved Heero too much to let him die, too, because of that.
Or should I give it a chance anyway ? Maybe it was worth it, worth everything... They were saying love was. And me and Heero, we could have been so good together, really... So maybe we should, despite the possible consequences. Maybe I should stop screwing it up, give up to his love, his care, accept what I had always wanted to have from him, let love work its magic... whole the while knowing I would hurt Heero with that because things just were that way, always, because I was destined by unknown forces to bring only sorrow and pain like if we couldn't be let to be happy with each other the rest of our days, for what we had suffered already.
But maybe it was worth it, maybe the glimpse of happiness we could have together was worth losing everything beside its memory then... for me it was worth it, but I couldn't decide for Heero, and he didn't fucked believe me when I was saying I would hurt him.
How was I supposed to know what to do ?
I couldn't know, was it ?
I was supposed to make that decision, to let it work between us taking all responsibility for that, why ? To be hurt worse then, to torment myself more when it would all be over ?
Because You, who made out our fates, knew since the very beginning I would let it work in the end, you gave me that choice, was it ?
Then you may be cruel but you're not as wise as they say...
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