I do not own Gundam Wing or its characters. They belong to their appropriate owners.
It contains yaoi, lemons (rape scenes), blood, violence, strong language
and more, may be a bit AU. Duo's POV (at least most the time).
Mission
by solange channonix
Part XVIII
Heero's POV:
Two hours... Shimatta, what can one do in an empty church for two hours ?
It wasn't like if I hadn't been observing Duo whole the time, of course. Just, he hadn't been doing anything special, just standing or kneeling with his head up, looking at the cross. Prying, was it ? Did he really believe in all those stupid things called religion ? Maybe it was even something important to him... Of course it was, he had been studying theology after all, wearing a crucifix, priest-like clothing, ever since I had gotten to know him. But his God hadn't saved him from Wufei.
My hands clenched into fists at the mere memory of his name. It was hard to believe, that him, our partner from the war, had been the one to hurt Duo that badly, but it was true indeed. If the bastard hadn't killed himself, I would have...
Yet again, why hadn't I been there in the first place to stop him ? To protect mt Duo ? Why had I left him alone and decided to come back only after something so terrible had happened to him, broken him, destroyed him, made him weak, sad and silent, half-crazied, so much unlike him I had always known, and even that only thanks to Trowa. If not him Duo could have been way worse now. Physically and mentally. I should have been there to kill the bastard the second he had first thought about hurting my Duo in that way, years before it had ended up coming true. But I hadn't been there, I hadn't stopped what had been coming and now, after all of this, it seemed like if it was too late to save Duo, or rather, to get him back to normalcy. Maybe he wouldn't have been that bad at all if I wouldn't have raped him myself for the first time, during the war, if I wouldn't have treated to kill him... He had loved me, even back then and I had used his trust like that, no wonder he couldn't get himself to trust me once again. Probably he just wanted me to go away, leave him alone. But alone he wasn't going to survive, he would kill himself and for all I was I preferred him being unhappy and alive than dead. As long as he was alive, things could always get better. He could still find someone who would really love him, their love not stained with terrible past sins and take care of him.
The question was: if I would have let anyone close to him, my Duo. He was mine, he had given up to me that night before he had attempted on suicide. It was still actual, he was my boyfriend, and I wanted him to be so much more... I couldn't let him go, nor let myself lose him to death or another man. I had been waiting far too long to get him at all to let him go now... even if I would hurt him. I was doing my best not to and it had been him to turn me crazy like that in the first place, unable to imagine living without him at my side anymore.
I wasn't going to let him go, so I needed to... heal him, get him back
to his old self, or something similar, at least. I had been trying for
a week, trying everything I could have thought of, I hadn't succeed, but
I was going to keep on trying, over and over again. The problem was, he
wasn't collaborating, staying dazed off, keeping the distance, not physical
anymore, but mental, like if he feared I would hurt him again if he would
trust me. He was wrong, there was no need to fear for him, none at all.
He was safe beside me, I could swear him that. I would have fought to death
to assure his safety, to spare him suffering. I would have done everything
for him, if he would be back himself then and smile at me normally just
once, like he had used to during the war, I would have given everything
for that... So why wasn't I able to do anything ? Why ?! I didn't like
being helpless... Having no means to complete my mission... Seeing no way
to complete it... knowing that my Duo could have stayed like that forever...
He had gotten out of the church only at the sun was setting. So how long had he been there ? And did it really matter ? I was waiting for him standing with my back resting against cold, solid wall of the church.
He stopped in the huge door, looked around and approached as he spotted me, looking up at me with enlarged violet eyes. He was breathakingly beautiful, and only at that moment I could understand, really did, why all those males wanted him though they had no chance to ever have him. Wind was playing with his short, chest-nut hair, messing it up like it had to be doing with my own.
" I want to give us a chance. " He whispered, after another moment of silence, hope of my acceptance lighting his eyes with pleading. What for ? I had already accepted him and my stupid feeling for him.
" Heero, I want to act like if nothing has ever happened." He began to explain. " What would you do then with me now ? If we'd be here and there was no Wufei, no mission at Vilinius, nothing..."
" Screw you senseless ?" I asked in a husky voice before realizing what I had done. Follow your feelings... Yeah, right, high feelings, not something like... Where the hell had gone my own self ? I wiped my hands in my pants nervously. Why hadn't they learned me to deal with things like that ?
Violet eyes, still looking up at me, darkned.
" You're acting weird. You're uneasy. We both need relief." He said, visibly a lump forming in his throat, terrible fear filling his eyes, as he shoved himself at me, wrapping his arms tightly around my neck and his long legs around my waist, forcing me to catch him.
" Screw me senseless, if you think this is what we would be doing if nothing happened." He whisepered, his voice breaking at the end, as he began to sob.
He had to be so terribly confused, maybe he thought he owed me something for taking care of him, maybe he thought that it would please me - having his body and that I wouldn't care that he would be crying whole the time. Why was he thinking I was that kind of a monster ? That I never showed too much of human emotions ? I thought he could see past that facade, damn, even Trowa could, I bet Quatre as well, could see more to me than just cold, calculating, perfect soldier. I did feel, I had felt, that I hadn't gotten myself to kill Duo had learned me that. I had emotions. Damnit, I loved him, yet for some reason he was offering himself to me to rape him again, like if he thought I couldn't wait till he would be all right.
I shoved him aside lightly, leaving only one my arm wrapped around his
slim waist and took him to the car like that, sobbing worse with every
minute. So he hadn't found peace there, in visiting his God. I had excepted
it, Trowa hadn't helped him, psychiatrists hadn't helped him, I hadn't
helped him... why He would have ? But if not a miracle then what could
save him ? Save us ?
Duo's POV:
I was waking up to bloody visions repeatedly, all the worst things in my life replaying once again that night. It was hell, it was worse than it. It was more than I could stand. I had thought today at church I had found a way to make everything better, to try to act like if nothing had happened if I couldn't simply forget. I thought that I could have forgotten one day, when new, better memories would be there to replace these bad. It hadn't worked, I had broken down, what was broken in me staying broken despite what I had been telling myself. I couldn't control it., like one couldn't have a wound healed with the mere force of his will, but only with a proper treatement. But there was no one able to treat me, not even Heero, though he had been trying so hard, with kind of desperacy, almost. And it didn't seem like if he was going to give up. But had it any sense at all ? Was I ever going to forget, or at least be able to act like if I had forgotten, stop thinking I was dirty, that everyone wanted to use me and hurt me, blame myself for my friend's death... Was I ever going to stop, and be able to truly live again at all ? Because what I had now wasn't a true life, rather waiting for a chance to end it, waiting for Heero's error. Something like that wasn't going to happen ever, anyway. There was no point in trying as long as he cared at all. He would have saved me, it would have only been more pain... for both of us, when there was already too much of it to bear.
I was really destroying Heero's life. If I wouldn't have been there, with him, he would have been so much happier. If only I hadn't been thinking it all a dream then, when I had been on truth's serum, and hadn't told him I loved him, he would have been still happy, as he had to be before I had appeared. How strange... Like if hearing these words from me meant suffering in itself...
Heero moved and opened his eyes, sitting on the bed beside me, blinking sleepily while trying to adjust to seeing in the dim light of a night lamp. I had had to turn it on, light helped me to get rid of bloody visions from under my eyelids, not completely, but as much as I could at all. They weren't going to disappear completely, ever, they were a part of me... because they weren't just images of what Wufei had done to me, they were a memory of the meaning of it, how it had showed me real sense of my existence - to bring death and sorrow over this already so shitty world. Why couldn't Heero let me go if the world was going to be so much better without me ?
" Nightmares ?"
I nodded. He moved to wrap his strong arms around me.
" What are you thinking about ?" He whispered, pressing himself to me.
What was I thinking about ? Nothing... Nothing really important... Just that shit which my life had become... How awful creature I was, how I should die... but how could I say that to Heero ?
" Nothing... Just..." I said softly, shaking my head.
I didn't want to worry him, for him all had to be all right, I had to seem normal, not a paranoidal freak I probably was. He didn't deserve worry, for being so good to me...
" I just had a nightmare." That wasn't the point, my life was a nightmare, as surreal, tiring and horrifying, and as much wanted to end.
He shook his head. Fuck, I hadn't tricked him. But please, Heero, no more psychiatrists...
" I don't know what to do." He whispered. " I see life as a fight and it seems for me you've lost your will to fight all- together." He smiled blankly. " I'm not very creative. After all, you've tried to kill yourself, twice. I just thought that... after recovering physically and avoiding simply going crazy after what Wufei has done to you, you've passed most of the road back to the normalcy. I was wrong because instead of just living with the knowledge of what he's done to you, which is bad enough in itself, you've begun to generalise, like if there was nothing more to you than what he began to see in you at some point, that since it happened twice it will happen again and that it was your fault, and that you should punish yourself for that."
I opened my mouth to oppose him.
" I know what you're going to say, that since it happens without your will, but is obviously linked with your person, since you don't have control over it, you need to simply kill yourself to save, I don't know, me, others ? suffering. Just for you to know, in case you've chosen that world over this, I'm following you." His tone softened. " And you probably think this isn't obvious... I didn't quite need psychiatrists to get to know that, it's reflecting in your eyes, in the way you move, everything... They just gave it a name."
" You've never told me what they said you before." I said, looking intently at the sheets and walls, everywhere, but in his eyes.
" I didn't believe them, but they have been right."
" So ?" I tried to encourage him to speak.
" At the beginning it was just PSTD, which was bad enough in itself, but Trowa got you out of this, now you're developing clinical depression and paranoia, both at the same time. This isn't normal anymore, Duo, I mean, for a person who was through two rapes. You aren't the first nor the last that happened to and normally they don't kill themselves. Normally it's only fear and slight depression and they do everything to make it better, not worse. Sometimes shut off..."
" Yeah ? And tell me how many other people were through the ghettos of L2, whoring themselves being 7-years-old to save a friend, through two wars, fighting to avenge all those who were close to me for a while only to be taken away from me... It is just..." My vision was blurring, I was sobbing uncontrollably.
Delusive paranoia... So this was how they were calling what I was being through...
Heero was right, it wasn't the matter of what Wufei and him had done to me, I had gotten over it, maybe nightmares, fear... But what really was wrong with me now was only vaguely linked with what had happened, not that me being Trowa's lover hadn't its part in it as well. And it was what he was talking about, this part simply shouldn't have been there... I should suffer from nightmares, I should fear, maybe I even should feel dirty, used and like a shit, but I should not blame myself and direct towars myself my own bad emotions, was it ? It was only that I was a freak, because I wanted to save others the pain, because I was ready to sacrifice myself for that.
" They wanted to give you medications, you know that anyway. But I didn't let them, because you would be addicted to them to the end of your life. I can still do much, but you need to let me, give us a chance, which doesn't mean we need to have sex. Just don't feel guilty for tying me to you, if loving you means suffering, I take both, and I'm too deep in this already for your death to give me relief. Like I've told, I'll go there with you. You know I'm not kidding." He was gentle, talking in a soft voice, looking at me with neutral expression and impossibly caring eyes, but the last sentence was said more firmly, with that deadly tone that sounded in his voice every time he was talking about Death. God, they were really good friends... And I did believe he was able to suicide without even blinking.
`If loving you means suffering, I take both...` Even if he did love me so much... could I take advantage of that and make him suffer ? So what if he was going to kill himself as well after I would have done just that ? Still, I would have saved plenty of others...
" So we'll die both; and the world will be better without us..."
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